Lazy W Marie

Carpeing all the diems in semi-rural Oklahoma...xoxo

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July 2, 2020. Quarantine Day 110

Brain food! Alex and Jess recently recommended a podcast called The Anthropocene Reviewed. The episode about our temporal range was fascinating. Author John Greene explores mankind’s obsession with predicting the end of the world and does a good job of reframing it a little. Great timing, by the way, with current events. And the short podcast was a nice compliment to the research book I have been reading called Fear Itself, which delves into all kinds of societal fears and conspiracy theories. What I found refreshing was that Greene neither fully demonized nor glorified our species, as so many voices tend to do. He didn’t pass too much judgement; he just raised interesting questions and made great observations. To return the excellent recommendation favor, I told Alex about the Netflix special Thirteen, about the 13th amendment. Have you seen it yet?

Yesterday Halee and the nephews visited! They will soon be joining my brother in Spain for a three year stint, so these silly and free farm days with them are a treasure to us. Even if the heat and humidity are bone melting, ha! We swam, retreated to the cool house, baked chocolate chip oatmeal cookies, reapplied sunblock, swam again, went on a nature walk and took tractor rides, harvested berries and squash, swam one more time, and had pizza. (Big thanks to Handsome for picking it up!)

Connor picked a green tomato and did not believe it was real. He carefully put it back next to the vine.
I call this “happy chaos!”
Greg, my little cookie making machine!

During our very casual paper plate dinner, we all chatted about how much we love each other, specifically our moms. Greg (age 9.87 years old) remarked that he has to love Halee because she created him, etcetera. Wrist flip, eye roll, pass the pizza please. Oh man. We seized the opportunity to shame him for not loving his Mom for all of her wonderful qualities (fun, smart, kind, generous, patient, loving, awesome!!) and for all the things she has done for him his entire life (cleaning up vomit, taking him to fun places, providing him his favorite foods and toys and books, you name it). His self defense was quick and surgical: “You guys didn’t HEAR me. I said ETCETERA!!” Then an even more dramatic wrist flip-eye roll combination, flourished with some chin wagging. I mean he really stuck the landing this time. The room erupted in laughter. I doubt whether any lessons were learned, but a new family catchphrase was born.

Handsome is making such progress with the Batmobile project! All the farm improvements from March to June were important and satisfying, but this might be the one physical accomplishment for which we all remember quarantine the most. His aspirations, among other uses, are to use this vehicle for hospital outreach and charity parades. I am so proud and excited! He has really been pouring his heart into this.

After a couple of wonky months, I am enjoying a nice reset with fitness. Yesterday’s workout was 5 steamy miles at the Choctaw park followed by a quick gym session, focused on unilateral moves. I am convinced that muscles imbalances have been the root of my plantar fasciitis and Achilles pain, and all of this gradual strengthening is helping more than rest and time off ever did.

Today I had intended to run at the lake at daybreak but made the mistake of doing chores first (seems like I am physically incapable of leaving the house without certain things finished) then checking the gardens. So, two hours and a sink-ful of produce and eggs later, I decided I should probably do laundry, too, before electricity hit peak price. And maybe sweep floors and water the gardens, ha! Around noon I finally laced up, but we had hit feels-like temps of 110 degrees, so I opted for the treadmill. Eight miles easy effort, no heatstroke. The pleasures of a lake run can wait.

I am giggling here because after a rambunctious day, Greg asked for a cuddle and nearly fell asleep in my lap while I played with his gorgeous red hair. I loved it. Sweet spicy boy.

Thanks for checking in, friends.
I love you, ETCETERA!!
XOXOXOXO

and so we welcome July

Hello, and happy fresh new month! According to my journal, today is our 109th day of quarantine. It has become a flexible lifestyle, one that is evolving through the changing seasons. I feel the need to document more if it all.

Handsome and I have fallen comfortably into a work-from-the-farm summertime routine. Monday through Friday, we wake up and drink coffee together just before daybreak. The animals can be very demanding, even as early as 6 a.m. So if they catch us walking around taking in the technicolor skies, odds are good that chores start early. He eventually tackles his Commish projects and teleconferences from the relative comfort of either of his two car shops. I divide my morning hours between housework and laundry, the animals and gardens, and some form of exercise. Klaus rotates between us, preferring us all three to hang out together, of course, but he does seem finally resigned to this confusing new division of labor. Having a new sheep to gently terrorize has been a nice outlet for his restless energy, ha.

Speaking of routines, starting today I am attempting a blogging streak. My plan is to post daily updates for the entire month of July then reevaluate. My long stretches of not writing have never been for a lack of happenings; it’s really that I can barely keep up! Maybe if I write a little more as we go that will help. Better than nothing, at least. Will you read along? Will you share your thoughts and life events, too? I hope so.

Yesterday we wore our masks to vote in the Oklahoma primaries. Our polling place is a local church, and their spacious auditorium was arranged nicely for good social distancing. How many more voting cycles do you think will happen under these circumstances? Some rumors suggest two more years like this, living cautiously while covid-19 rages. It’s a moment in history for sure.

Our tomatoes, blackberries, herbs, peppers, and various squashes are growing and ripening like crazy. I am seeing tiny watermelons popping up on the green vines, too. Our hens are laying between 7 and 12 eggs per day, despite the heat. We have killed two large snakes in the east coop though, so perhaps they are laying far more than I am collecting, and the snakes are just well fed.

The day lilies, hydrangeas, and hollyhocks are so thrilling this summer. I have in the past been pretty content with just massive sprays of zinnias here and there. But since those are moving slowly this year, I am more than comforted by these lush perennial displays. I am also loving the wildflowers growing with abandon out front, along The Enchanted Path. My friend Lynn suggested this photo below looks like a wildflower bridal bouquet, and I agree.

How are you faring? How is whatever stage of quarantine you are at, affecting you? Are you able to sink into summertime pleasures, or are you feeling the squeeze of confinement too much?

Thank you for all of the loving messages after yesterday’s blog post, about our difficult family news. As it feels right, I will share them with my girls. Many of you already understand what a complicated and difficult situation this already was. Prayers and Love and grace will soothe everything in time.

Please take care of yourself! Be well, physically and emotionally. Know that you are loved and needed in this world. And thank you for checking in here. See you tomorrow!!

XOXOXOXO

it’s not okay yet

My girls have lost their Dad. This is a delicate family event to share, and I do so cautiously and with deep love.

It’s not always easy, or rather, it does not always feel genuine and honest, to tell my children that everything’s going to be ok. Because life is as filled with awful shock and devastation as it is with unbridled joy, relief, and peace. The world will abuse them and injure them as much as it will love and nourish them, body and soul. Life will take from them some precious gifts, and it will give others. That’s just how it is.

I personally believe that Light does overcome the darkness, that Love does have the final word, but sometimes it’s quite a battle. Sometimes it requires a lot of mindful choosing to see the best, a lot of trusting the Universe, and a lot of just plain waiting. Enduring. Allowing.

I am 46 years old and have only recently learned that the darkest valleys tend to be signals that something of unprecedented brilliance and beauty is coming; but I realize that this is a lesson best learned through experience, not one that can be taught with words and platitudes, exactly.

Almost three weeks ago, my girls lost their Dad. On a Thursday, after saying his goodbyes to each of them, he took his own life. This is a choice I cannot comprehend. It is a loss they will bear forever, which they do not deserve and to which I cannot relate.

More than ever, these stories are theirs to tell, not mine. He and I only shared a few years together, and it was a very long time ago. My heart goes out to his parents and brothers, and everyone he left behind, night and day. I cannot fathom this kind of pain.

Our singular hope and intention is to remain steadfast, open, warm and safe for whatever my children need going forward. Their health, healing, and forward movement into fully realized lives is all we want. If our family crosses your mind, I hope you will say prayers for the girls and for their stepbrother. I trust you will send your most loving thoughts.

My heart remains convinced, persuaded, that even the worst and most complex grief can be transformed. I know that saying everything is going to be alright is a bit empty right now, hollow sounding; because it’s definitely not ok yet. I also know that the most painful moments are exactly when we must choose to believe in miracles and fuel hope. Not just for ourselves, but for each other.

XOXOXO

quarantine farm facelift & a love letter to my man

When you pull up to our east facing front gate, you will now see giant, three-dimensional acrylic letters, cobalt blue, on the left. They spell out “Lazy W” and our house number. On the right you will see a vertical field of silk flowers, a happy remnant of Jessica’s thoughtful Mother’s Day gesture. (Their accompanying hand painted banner was at risk from high winds and is now safely tucked away in the Apartment.)

Pulling through the gate and up the gravel driveway, you may notice that the front field, previously the buffalo field, then a sandy, barren expanse, is now voluminous with wildflowers, native prairie grasses, and baby trees. We decided to allow Nature to mostly have her way here, and she is doing so with abandon. One detail we have contributed to this area is a meandering, three or four -foot wide walkway, just brush-hogged into the landscape. We call it “The Enchanted Path” and hope that people will gradually use it for prayer and meditation walks. I stroll there a few times every day, at different times, and it is lovely. Having a gently maintained path with a variety of visual destinations also helps me focus my flower planting strategies, if Mother nature ever needs a boost, ha!

Across from here is the Curves and Edges meadow along the south side of the gravel drive. It is growing more lush, too. Handsome continues to mow the line crisply, allowing smooth grass on one side and all manner of texture and depth on the other. Several weeks ago we spent an entire afternoon planting lots of clumping bamboo in the midst of the baby pine trees here. We are dreaming of a somewhat controllable, evergreen, living screen.

The big barn welcomes you next with an onslaught of colorful artwork, part of Handsome’s old hubcap collection, and salvaged signs. In its shadow is our pumpkin and watermelon patch, all grown from seed, and thriving so far in early June.

Around the house is a moderately filled flower bed then my truly beloved herb garden. It expanded this year, and I love it. My heart is especially happy about the bronze leaf fennel, lemon balm, mammoth dill, and cinnamon basil. A respectable stand of jalapeno plants hiding in the herb garden is just now putting on white blossoms, so that has my attention too.

If you were a regular at the farm before covid-19, this is where you will probably notice some of our quarantine work: Handsome designed and built a gorgeous new raised wooden walkway from the kitchen patio to the pool deck. We painted it black then surrounded it with river rocks, which is something we have wanted to do for years. The effect, in my opinion, is gorgeous. It is welcoming, substantial, and relaxing. I walk here dozens of times every day and have yet to tire of the views. You step onto the boardwalk and are firmly pulled toward the gardens and people areas there beneath the oak trees. He did such a good job on this project. I cannot overstate how much I love it!

The shade garden is more spacious and cleared out this year, at least for now, and this makes it easier to see the little smokehouse, which has a decidedly more cottage feel than before. After some serious decluttering inside (mostly 13 years’ worth of thrifted garden supply storage), we tore off the Virginia Creeper vines and canvas sheets then added secondhand windows or framed Plexiglas to all four sides of the building. We beefed up the lumber trim around the windows and painted all of the woodwork a bright white. We have more work to do here, but just having it excavated and clean, and just beginning the facelift on the outside, is really exciting. It certainly fuels our imagination for how to use this sweet little cottage going forward.

cottage facelift in process

You should see this shady area at the golden hour. Sunlight swords it way uphill from the west and through the tree limbs, and the pond is illuminated and visible now through the cottage windows. The scene is even prettier if we have been burning a fire, as smoke clings to the light and lays itself out in great, flat sheets of suede across the quiet space.

Speaking of bonfires, next time you are here, you might see that the fire pit is now encircled with a mix of concrete, square pavers, and river rock. It extends the invitation to be barefoot and cuts down on weeds and mud. We love it.

All these weeks of quarantine have been satisfying, for the work we have done. And it has been humbling. It has all been a labor of very real love. Love for each other, love for our friends and family who gather here. Love for our home and the many gifts we enjoy.

For the 60-plus completed projects during this season, my husband truly deserves most of the credit. He worked with passion and inspiration, and he was tireless, week after week, bulldozing his way through one task after another, all the while officing from the car shop to uphold his Commish duties and then some.

Visitors will look around and see some of the improvements I described above. And we hope you love them! I look around and also see the less noticeable projects, the ones that show the love my husband has poured out onto nearly every square foot of these nine acres. I see fence lines and gates he has recently tightened, reconfigured, and made more usable, more beautiful. I see two giant new compost bin sets, six additional boxes in total, which make my manure obsession hobby so much easier. I see better decking, more comfortable seating, a fun tetherball (!!!), and a crustal blue swimming pool which does not happen automatically. Our cars are in tip-top shape, and he and his Dad are making measurable progress on the Batmobile. I see our hot tub: One day he emptied, relocated, cleaned, and refilled it. Then he rebuilt the privacy wall around it and fixed the cover. I see our fat, happy horses and productive chickens, our deeply mulched gardens (20 bags of mulch was my Mother’s Day surprise), and feral cats who have become the sweetest things you will ever cuddle. I see our spoiled rotten guard dog who really likes helping his Dad during business hours. None of this would happen without his ongoing attention and generosity.

All these weeks have been such a gift, for more than the obvious reasons. After some gritty and fruitful wrestling matches with my own ego, I am stunned and wildly satisfied by all of it. Really thankful. Hopefully my workhorse of a husband is, too.

We cannot wait for things to feel safe and normal again, so we can open the farm more freely. We have done much of this for you, too, friends.

“Fixed the Newel Post!”
-Clark Griswold
XOXOXOXO

42 things I have been meaning to say to Angela

For my first sibling Angela, on your 42nd birthday…

  1. Everyone who calls you friend feels deep-down lucky, me included.
  2. You were an especially beautiful baby, I could see it even as a little girl. You were a bright, glowy orb of peach fuzz and smiles, and you lit up that little duplex in Plano, Texas.
  3. Have you ever actually finished a plate of food? Doubtful.
  4. I am very sorry about the time I tricked you into using permanent marker as eyeliner. Hehe. I mean I really am sorry, ha. But you are the one who did it.
  5. You have unnatural physical strength for your size. How?
  6. I love how ready for adventure you always are. Road trips! Hiking! Camping! Zip-lining! Parties and sightseeing! It’s a sight to behold, and an inspiration.
  7.  Your children are three of the luckiest children in the world…
  8. …as is your gorgeous daughter in law.
  9. I can’t believe you’re a mother in law before me, ha! Ha!!
  10. I think of you every time I almost wear a bright color but opt for black.
  11.  And yet, the color association I have for you is an actual shimmering double rainbow.
  12.  It breaks my heart that someone as openhearted and enthusiastic about life as you are, has so much trauma and fear from which to heal. But you are doing it. Keep it up.
  13. How weird and cool that after all these years we can band together over the Law of Attraction and faith, specifically.
  14. Thank you for always, from day one, loving my girls with no reservations, no limits.
  15. Thank you for sharing Dante with me when our kids were little, for allowing him to be part of so many precious family memories.
  16.  Thank you for sharing Chloe and Kenzie, too, for summer visit at the farm and more. They are irreplaceable, and I am so glad they have you.
  17. I am still a little salty about losing to you at Tug of War a couple of months ago. That was honestly ridiculous and I demand a rematch.
  18. You are amazingly loud. Like literally, you have an impressive vocal volume. If we could average your voice with my voice we might arrive at an average-decibel human voice.
  19.  How can you nap so easily? Is that the secret to your physical strength? Or are you sleepy because you never finish your food?
  20.  Our family was not okay while you were gone. And we are so much better with you “home” with us, among us, as part of all of us near and far. We need you.
  21.  Even Brene Brown does not hold a candle to your vulnerability. You exude it, along with both humor and gravity about the big stuff in life. You never shy away from the truth, no matter how scary it is.
  22.  When you wrote to me from prison, I took a long time to read your letter. I had so much healing of my own to do, and so many conflicting emotions, that I had to gather my energy for it. But I keep it nearby now and am actively thankful for you every time I see it.
  23.  How many ear infections have you had in life, really? I mean!
  24.  I will never forgive you for the “sponge cake” prank. But I will steal the idea and do it to someone else.
  25.   Much like Mom, you make people feel seen, and you make people feel seen for their best qualities. You both have a way of helping people remember the best possible things about themselves, and I hope you always have someone nearby to do this for you, too. Because you deserve it.
  26.   One of my favorite things about you is how naturally and genuinely you slash through chit chat and small talk to get straight to the real conversation. I LOVE THAT!
  27. Also, you get straight to belly laughs quickly, and it is contagious. I love that too!
  28.   Will you please make me egg rolls? You make the best egg rolls.
  29.  I love how you call my husband out on stuff. And how you often just end it with, “Whatever Brandy.” Hehe. It delights me.
  30.   You are such a voracious reader! If you were when we were younger, I didn’t  notice it. I love discussing books and everything with you now.
  31.   Even at 42, you are a bright, glowy orb of peachiness and smiles. You look more beautiful every year, and frankly it’s annoying.
  32. Much like Dad, you have a weird and wonderful talent for gift giving. Over and over again, you both find really personal, specific treasures for everyone in your life, and it is just so cool.
  33.   Do you remember Randee Dandy Julie? That might be part of my rainbow association with your spirit. But just part of it.
  34.   I love your heart for abandoned animals, even when you were little.
  35.  Your future adopted dogs will be very loved and happy!
  36.   I also love your ability to draw a crowd for celebrations. You really are the life of every party! We love it when you walk in to any event!!
  37.  Do you remember that time we got into an argument over whether it was okay to over-annunciate “daddy” as “DATTEE” and it escalated into a fight and WOW. That memory floats to the surface sometimes when I hear the word “goatee” and I wonder if really, we should be saying it as “GOADEE.” No! Obviously! So dumb!
  38.   I am sad for the years we lost not being close friends, because I thought I was so much older (four years, ha!) and that being sisters was enough. Turns out, being both sisters and friends is such a wild gift in life.
  39.   Your clients at Hope are so lucky to have your heart and mind and tenacity and Love working in their favor. You have an ability to connect with people and finish work worth doing, and no matter what happens in the future I know you are living out part of your personal mission, your vocation in life to serve others.
  40.  Are you having a good birthday? It’s so weird this year, I know, but you deserve a wonderful, deep watering of love. I cannot wait to see you!
  41.   Happy sobriety anniversary, too! We are all so blown away and happy for your health, so proud and inspired by your journey.
  42.   Why do you hate Twister so agressively? I do not get that.
Image may contain: 3 people, including Angela Tucker, people smiling

Ang, I love you more than I can express, either seriously or as a joke. You are a gift and a treasure and irreplaceable for a million reasons. Happiest of birthdays, sister.

Love Over Fear
XOXO