Lazy W Marie

Carpeing all the diems in semi-rural Oklahoma...xoxo

this storm is over

Have you ever been caught in a storm that descended out of nowhere, was more violent and long-lasting than anything you’d ever endured, then fell apart and cleared away just as suddenly?  Maybe after the storm, you were stunned silent for a while, looking around to survey the damage as you caught your breath, slowly accepting that the worst was over and you could finally, truly relax. You might have hidden in a safe place during the storm, and found ways to be comfortable there, but afterward, you could come out into the open again. Only it took you a minute to realize this.

The last several weeks have delivered a wide spectrum of joy, our days and nights filled with both average beauty and extraordinary miracles. Handsome and I have exhausted ourselves working hard and playing harder, carpeing all the diems the best ways we know how. I have a lot to share about how life has changed here at the Lazy W. But I don’t know quite where to begin.

I keep drafting blog posts about lemon-artichoke pasta and what to grow in your fall gardens, also how my marathon prep has been going, but I know there is something bigger to share. And some of you know it too.

The thing is, our biggest storm is over. The one that began over a decade ago and brewed and stalled and tore through our lives and wreaked all kinds of scary havoc, the storm that began losing strength three years ago and released one of our girls to us, the one that even before that was closed behind the Worry Door, just like a hurricane, is finally over. One day the violence and the blinding rain just stopped. Like we knew it eventually would. Then the quiet came. And eventually some sweet, bright sunshine and gentle breezes. And now we just know that it’s over.

I am finally coming out of the stunned silence.

Jessica  turned twenty in August. She and I had been exchanging sparse emails throughout the summer, but they stalled around her birthday. Then not long after we were in touch aagin. The notes were long and sweet, intimate, meaningful, and rapidly becoming less and less careful. Less formal, increasingly familiar and delicious. We were building up a good line of communication, and I was grateul for it and not interested in rushing anything.

Then on the eve of the solar eclipse, she reached out in an unexpected way, although sort of how I always imagined she would, and the next day we spoke on the phone. It was the first time I had ever heard her adult voice, and I can tell you the sensation was a lot like hearing her infant voice crying for the first time. Only this time she laughed.

We spoke eagerly, giggled, exchanged I love yous and continued trading notes all of that day and evening and for days after. Then we made arrangements to see each other on the upcoming Friday afternoon. The days and hours leading up to our date felt, not surprisingly, a lot like anticipating labor induction two decades earlier. Except this time I was much healthier and much better prepared.

I picked her up in Oklahoma City. We spent the early afternoon drinking cold drinks and chatting (laughing so much), shopping for clothes and celebrating when we found bohemian dresses with pockets, reminiscing, grabbing groceries and getting caught up on life. We covered so much emotional ground as we drove around making quick stops all over Midwest City.

Then we drove back to the farm to cook together. She wanted to make shepherd’s pie and a cinnamom crumble cake, both of which turned out delicious. She has always been a natural in the ktichen.

Our reacquaintance was easy and natural. Handsome made it home from work early enough to spend time with her, too. It all felt so nice. She gushed love and affection. Noone had their guard up. We seemed to understand each other intuitively. Not only was there never an awkward silence or a forced word; the exchange of love was airtight and soothing. Harmonious. The way you always hope and need for communication to be. She is the same sweet little Jessie Michelle we had been mourning all these years, and she has done a stunning amount of maturing, too. I am so deeply grateful to know the woman she is becoming.

After I drove her back to the city so she could get ready for her evening and weekend plans, I realized that we had just spent four and a half hours together, during which time we never stopped talking. And it broke a silence of four and a half years. The mirrored time frame brought me to tears and shuddering laughter on my drive back to the farm. 

You could rightfully argue that four and a half hours could never replace the loss of four and a half years. But maybe you have never been through this. You would have to feel what I felt and learn what I have learned about God’s power and generosity to restore what’s been lost. Everything really can be wiped away in a moment. We have everything we need.

Okay. I have more to share soon. I appreciate you, as always, for stopping in here. It’s nice to share my heart with you and to have broken the silence too. This storm really is over. 

“Peace be still.”
XOXOXOXO

managing your thoughts during a life crisis

As happens to everyone in all circumstances and for a variety of reasons, life has surprised us this week. We had for a nice long while been luxuriating in a sweet little season of ease and contentment, and now out of the clear January blue, Handsome and I find ourselves in the unpleasant thick of external stressors and a handful of hard decisions. 

It’s totally fine. I don’t mean to over dramatize anything; but this bears mentioning. One day this week all of it together gathered like a storm in my heart, and I ached and ached for hours. I went for a long run and cried almost the entire time. Maybe it was the surprise of it all. Maybe it was the sharp contrast of emotion, like the pop-up storms we get here in Oklahoma, when the skies have been so calm and sweet. Violent and shocking. I thought briefly that all of our hard-won peace was lost. (Not just for him and me, by the way, but for our most precious people too.)

Of course it’s not. I know better than that by now. But from time to time peace is ruffled and we have the job of maintaining composure and moving forward in Love. Remembering what is true and how to handle ourselves in crisis is vital. It’s not just about not tail-spinning and making a storm worse; it’s about the difference between surviving and thriving in the midst of it all. 

So that’s what I have to offer today: Some lessons I have learned over the years that this week I had to actively bring to the surface, thinking strategies that can transform a deeply stressful, scary time.

 

managing your thoughts during a life crisis sticker

 

Gratitude is so powerful. Take your pulse and breathe deeply. Carve out some time to look around outside of your pain and take stock of all the good things you see. Good things in the world at large, in your life overall, and in your exact situation. Name them. Focus on the most beautiful, amazing, magical details of whatever you are facing, whatever your circumstances are, both abstract and really precise. Even the ugly seeming parts can have hidden blessings, so give thanks for them too. Gratitude interrupts all kinds of anxiety, for starters, which feels nice, but it also has the power to literally transform the truth of things. You can invite light into a dark space with heartfelt gratitude. It’s a choice you can make even before you think you feel thankful.

Focus on the actionable details of your problem then shed all that anxiety and get moving, get out of your thoughts and trust God. I personally get a little paralyzed when faced with a big problem, but it’s unnecessary. That kind of fear is an illusion. Just look at the thing plainly, knowing it is a temporary crisis, just a problem to be solved. Identify the parts on which you can and should act, asking for divine inspiration and direction if needed , and begin. I find a lot of relief in the knowledge that I am only a part of the solution, that God is sovereign over all of it, even the unseen layers I may never see. Trusting Him with all of that makes seeing my part of the solution and acting less overwhelming. 

Ask largely and expect miracles. I have to occasionally remind myself of how much bigger our answers to prayer have been over the years compared to the problems we have faced. We have been shocked by grief, sure, but we have always been preserved in those times. More often we have been shocked by life-altering miracles, and because of this my underlying fear of “What if…” has eroded to almost nothing. I have learned to reign in my imagination accordingly, wearing blinders to the wildly negative possible outcomes. Instead, I force my thoughts forward and train them on wildly beautiful possibilities and amazing outcomes. Remember all those miracles and happy surprises from your past? Call them up to your mind. Convert your impulses to prayers, asking God for things bigger than you could ever do alone. I know in my bones that He wants to do big things for us and surprise us. 

Recognize that weird internal banter that robs your peace and mute it. Do you ever catch yourself arguing in your own head, either with yourself or an imaginary opponent or even just the situation you’re facing? It’s can be like a dress rehearsal, and I suppose that sometimes it can be useful to help you articulate your thoughts and prepare for a confrontation. But there’s a limit to this banter’s usefulness. I have learned to halt it, to silence the nervous flurry of arguments and deliberately aim my thoughts on something more productive. It makes such a difference in my overall sense of peace and therefore in how I can help my loved ones get through the crisis. Remember all that Worry Door business? It’s still very real. Cracking open that door is dangerous. Silent weird mental arguments counts as worrying. When you hear those demons whispering in your thoughts, mute them. You have power over them.  They have no place in your emotions or your decision-making.

Watch what you glorify. Do you spend a lot of time and energy talking about, or even just thinking about, how big your problem is, or how worried you are? Do you feel that common addiction to complaining about feeling victimized or overworked, etcetera? It’s a trap and a nasty one. Problems are real, but that don’t deserve our worship. Stressed is a real and valid condition, but it should only motivate us, not destroy us. Focusing on a perpetual state of being stressed and sad, weighed down by life, glorifying it instead of using it as fuel, only grows it and weakens us. Choose to glorify the healing forces in your life. Spend time and energy glorifying how excited you are about the brewing solutions and the future. Talk about and rest your imagination on how blessed you are, how capable, how far grown. Actively speak Love over the situation. Every detail of it.

worry prayers graphic

 

Thanks as always for checking in, friends. Handsome and I and all of the Lazy W characters are really great! Just taking our pulse in the midst of some very normal life changes. I hope some of this is useful to you for whatever crisis you are facing now or maybe in the future. Because life is certainly full of such stuff. But more importantly life is brimming with Love and beauty and miracles.

“Peace Be Still.”
XOXOXOXO

dreams come true

When I was pregnant with her, I was only a couple of years older than she is today. That is a weird thought process all by itself. Month by month I dreamed of her face, sight unseen, and fell in love with her and all of her carefree somersaults and even my widening belly. She consumed my thoughts then, just as she does today. I was blessed with a truly healthy, happy, comfortable pregnancy, something I didn’t fully appreciate at the time.

I was in such a hurry to meet her that my doctor had no trouble convincing me to induce labor around our actual due date. He suggested it not for any particular medical reason; it just seemed to be a fad at the time. A practice of convenience. We both were healthy and she was full weight and well developed. He scheduled it, I prepared for it, and she was born without incident after a really easy labor. Still healthy and happy, and yet again I didn’t fully appreciate these blessings.

joc newborn me

joc studio newborn pic

 

When she was finally born on a bright and cool afternoon in September, I was not at all surprised to see her wide ebony eyes, her tiny rosebud mouth, her profile, her perfect olive skin. Everything about her was exactly as I had seen in those sleeping dreams. She was a beautiful baby then, just as she is beautiful young woman now. I am still so grateful for those dreams that showed me her face ahead of time. She was imprinted on my heart in a million silent, priceless ways.

Looking back, so many parts of me wish I had allowed her birth to happen naturally, to experience unmedicated labor pains and the thrilling surprise, the curious timing of the miracle of life.

I wish I had let her arrive in her own way, at her own time.

 

baby joc

Then this precious girl was gone for a while, for too many years, for reasons we are just beginning to fully understand. But she was never removed from my heart. Not even for one minute.

For a second time in our life together as mother and daughter, I found myself literally dreaming of her when I couldn’t see her. When I couldn’t touch her, hear her voice, or smell her vanilla-shampooed hair. In her long, sad absence these past years, I would sleep roughly but often catch phantom glimpses of her face in my dreams. Those same ebony eyes, her same small rosebud mouth, that same perfect olive skin that just glows. In this new set of dreams, instead of appearing as the infant I’d not yet held, she was appearing as her grown self or sometimes as a ten year old version of herself, whispering to me the secret that she was soon coming home. She was not just happy in these prophecied moments; she was giddy. Effervescent with joy. I would try so hard to stay asleep and whisper back to her all my love and longing, to cling to those stolen moments. But every time of course I’d wake up to the raw reality that she was still gone.

I Saw You Last Night

My baby in kindergarten. I remember thinking then how grown up she was.
My baby in kindergarten. I remember thinking then how grown up she was.

Do you know how wonderful God is? How far-reaching His Love is? He has seen into my heart all these nineteen years, the regret I have harbored over planning her birth and missing out on the dazzling unknown of His design. He took her away from me for a while only to bring her home, in surprising and unpredictable ways. During her absence He showed me when to push and when to rest; He taught me how to breathe deeply and fruitfully and when to wait. He showed me through those waiting years how constant and powerful Love is. He forced me (kicking and screaming at first) into a place of trust and kept me there until I wanted to trust, until that was my genuine and natural position. In time I became both vulnerable and strong.

It turns out He was working this complex miracle in her as well.

(Have you followed my discipline with the Worry Door?)

worry prayers graphic

 

Then one day she finally arrived (again). Quite out of the blue, in the surprising, thrilling, somewhat terrifying way she might have been born the first time had I allowed it to happen naturally. One day this past September (almost exactly nineteen years since her first birth) I got the overwhelming phone call that was very much like a rebirth. She was free, and she was coming home.

She showed her pretty face for the second time in my life, exactly as I had been dreaming of her while she was away.

 

joc

insterstellar quote with joc dusty photo

joc happy farewell

 

This strong, beautiful girl has possessed a slice of my heart and soul for almost twenty years now, and that will never change. This is just the beginning. I am once more living every promise of motherhood and every hope. We are seeing that not only is time elastic; Love is sovereign.

 

joc dusty

 

It’s mid-March now. Six months after her rebirth when she finally arrived in her own way, at her own time. She is peeling away from me and pressing close again, over and over, this time in the best possible, most natural ways. Finding her own legs and learning to walk (again). Squeezing me tight and boring into my eyes with hers (again). Letting me feed her mightily because it satisfies us both (again).

Making me proud beyond description. Always.

Thank you, friends, for every single prayer and every positive thought and word of encouragement you’ve offered, especially when you didn’t really know what was happening. She amazes us daily. She is on a good, strong path today, chasing her own joy and pursuing her own dreams, just exactly like a nineteen year old girl should do. And because of this she continues to benefit from prayer and Loving energy, so please keep it up.

Love is so real. Prayer absolutely changes things. And natural processes best. Don’t force it.

Fear knocked at the door.
Faith answered.
And lo, no one was there.
~Author Unknown
XOXOXOXO

 

 

 

trusting changes

Lots of life changes around here lately. Again. But I don’t want to talk about that exactly.

Today I came up for air just long enough to see that everyone around me is going through big changes right now too. Lots of them are happy changes; most people close to me are anticipating big, exciting life events, onward and upward type stuff. Brittany is packing and preparing for a solo trip to Paris. Nicole is expecting another baby. My nephew is turning eighteen. Stephanie is on her way to a much needed San Diego retreat to start her fresh new year of health and rebuilding. Tracy’s college career is just amazing to watch. Allison is a new bride whose heart is just overflowing with the most brilliant Love ever.

Among my friends there are some heavy and truly difficult gravity issues at work too, grieving left and right, and such is life, but both are trying. Whether happy or sad, significant changes test us. They boil up our stomach acids and tense up our muscles. They cause us to take too-shallow breaths and maniacally write lists of things to do. No matter how good and right the Big Event may be, for me sometimes the anticipation can be paralyzing.

One of these days I want to write to you about the pregnancy metaphor.

Anyway.

This life turbulence can be dangerously taxing if we look at it the wrong way, if we are worrying instead of taking courage. And what I’ve learned about worry is that it’s a waste, a huge mistake. Like sawing through sawdust, there’s no use in it but it is in fact dangerous. So if a Big Event is churning up a tide of energy beyond our control, let’s reject worry and instead harness that tide and put it to excellent use.

  • When you lie wake at night thinking about “It,” consciously stop yourself, very gently, and pray instead. Turn it over to God in excruciating detail. He already knows anyway; just choose silently in your deepest thoughts to give Him control. Ask for His help in ways you can scarcely fathom He might help. (Spoiler alert: He totally will.)
  • Give thanks for the opportunity, whatever it looks like. Give thanks for how well things are going so far and give thanks in advance for all the amazing outcomes you trust are coming. See? You’re already breathing better. So am I.
  • Discipline your imagination to only see the best possible results and surprises along the way (for there will be plenty). You have to do practical things to prepare for certain unknowns of course, but something else I have learned these past few years is that your imagination is a crazy powerful conductor! You can literally shape the future with your thoughts, so make them good. Make them amazing.
  • Then in the daylight hours when action is called for, act. Trust the inspiration granted you, invest in your own intuition, and do one thing at a time toward whatever is on the horizon. Even when it feels like everything is on your shoulders alone, it’s really not. You’re not nearly so alone as you feel sometimes. Just take a deep breath, do what you can to the best of your ability, then exhale, knowing that you’re only one element of the masterpiece being worked. Unseen progress is being made that you will see and celebrate at the right time.

you are not alone

So I pretty much wrote this to remind myself of the things I sometimes forget. But I hope it encourages you, too, for whatever Big Event is on your horizon. I’m sure there are plenty coming.

I trust, for myself and for you, that no matter how it feels in those weak or worried moments, the ultimate gift of life is Love. And Love is more powerful than anything. The weird way circumstances braid together do seem to be good for us, over and over again. We look back and see again that worry was a silly mistake. We were destined for happiness and celebration all along.

Take heart, you are not alone.
Love is so powerful.
XOXOXO

 

A New Book & a Stronger Hold on a Locked Worry Door

   This month our famous little Oklahoma book club, Dinner Club With a Reading Problem, is trying something a little different. We are reading Marianne Williamson’s A Return to Love, which I have just started and am already, well loving. Thank you sweet Stephanie for the assignment!

   For a while we all had been hearing nibblets of wisdom associated with this woman (perhaps so have you) and I had mistakenly thought she was the author of A Course in Miracles. Not so, She studied Course in her youth and became quite an accomplished student of its philosophies and teachings. She started giving lectures, which turned into speaking events, which grew into her book and subsequent wild popularity. I urge you to join us in reading the book if you have a little time.

   Okay.

   Since I’ve only just begin to tread A Return to Love and certainly have not yet read the Course, tonight I only have a little nibble for you. But it’s a doozie.

   You know how for months I have been prattling on and on about positive thinking? Perhaps you have heard mention of the Secret from time to time, or at least you tune into the notion that counting our blessings is the way to go? Right. Also, the Worry Door. Were you a regular guest of this digital Lazy W when I wrote about that?

   If you have a couple of minutes, I would love for you to read what happened almost a year ago: I had a bonafide vision that has since guided me away from a worried lifestyle. It has been revolutionary for me, and slowly I am seeing actual, tangible results in my life, in my relationships, in my earthly circumstances.

   You guys. The repeated wisdom here is too intense to brush off as coincidence.

   This Return to Love is echoing all the best things to my heart, in just the first few chapters.

   It is either going to be one of those books I read in a single day or one of those books that takes me a month because every page, no, every paragraph, warrants note taking and essay writing.

   I know you have many good things to do, but please let me share something small with you. These are Marianne Williamson’s words:

“I realized, many years ago, that I must be very powerful if I could mess up everything I touched, everywhere I went, with such amazing consistency. I figured there must be a way to apply the same mental power, then embedded in neurosis, in a more positive way. A lot of today’s most common psychological orientation is to analyze the darkness in order to reach the light, thinking that if we focus on our neuroses- their origins and dynamics- then we will move beyond them. Eastern religions tell us that is we go for God, all that is not authentically ourselves will drop. Go for the light and darkness will disappear. Focus on Christ means focus on the goodness and power that lie latent within us, in order to invoke them into realization and expression. We get in life that which we focus on. Continual focus on darkness leads us, as individuals and as a society, further into darkness. Focus on the light brings us into the light.”

   What do you think? Yes, a sentence up there smacks of humanism, but I am not suggesting a debate. Just an effort to see how much we all have in common. It’s really both refreshing and terrifying to see the pillars of Christian faith expressed in such light-filled, inclusive language.

   Have you read The Secret? Or the Bonhoeffer biography yet? Or C.S. Lewis’ Abolition of Man? Speaking only for my own spiritual journey, I know these books have found their way to me for a reason, a complicated and wonderful weave of ideas and expressions. Now Return to Love. Wow.

   Positive thinking is powerful. Negative thinking is powerful. Our thoughts manifest. We all are members of the church, the body of Christ, regardless of man-made denomination. Love is the bottom line.

   I am listening, Universe.

“Worry is a Misuse of the Imagination.”
~Dan Zadra
xoxoxoxo