Lazy W Marie

Carpeing all the diems in semi-rural Oklahoma...xoxo

thoughts on filling a god-sized vacancy

God-sized vacancies.

In recent months some trusted and deeply loving friends have helped us come to grips with features of addiction, and the simplest and best message from all this has been the idea that every human is born with a God-sized vacancy. We each have a space within us that only our Creator can fit, satisfy, and make whole. 

Until we understand that, we all stumble about, trying a million different things to fill the void. We ache to not ache anymore, so we seek after things that will hopefully numb the pain, things like unnecessary food and alcohol, needless shopping, miles and miles of running, drugs, sex, and more. Everyone has something which can be taken to excess. It’s never better than a temporary pleasure, like drinking salt water to quench a very unique and specific thirst. Often it becomes a truly destructive force.  

The more this idea comes into focus, the more it helps me, both in private ways and as I think about and pray for my family. It’s become a touchstone for considering daily choices and evolving priorities:

  • Do I crave this (whatever) because I am aching for God in some secret way, and I need to tend that first? Is this pursuit a poor substitute for the Real Thing?
  • Or do I genuinely feel close to Him, and this craving compliments my spiritual walk?
an expanse of mountains draws out my thoughts and feelings the same way a starry night can

The notion of a God-sized vacancy has recently ignited an exciting new way to pray for loved ones who are suffering. A way of praying in order to close the gap which has been unapproachable to me.  

Find her and meet her needs in a mysterious and surprising way, just as you found me. Speak to her in the voice only she will recognize, just as you did with me years ago and still do now. 

It has been transformative, as simple as the idea is. 

Here’s a relevant passage from the Jesus Calling undated daily devotional:

Seek My Face, and you will find all that you have longed for. The deepest yearnings of your heart are for intimacy with Me. I know because I designed you to desire Me.

We are designed this way. It’s not a deficiency. It unites us all, you know?

I love these short verses in Psalms 42…

As a hart panteth after the water brook, so panteth my soul after thee, O God. My soul thirsteth for God, for the living God: when shall I come and appear before God?

No earthly thing, no pleasure or possession or goal or anything, no matter how good and beautiful, can satisfy that deep, innate part of us meant only for Him. This isn’t terrifying to me; it’s deeply calming, comforting.

So this is all just some food for thought if you sense any reflexiveness or false satisfaction in your heart. If you have a hunger that is not satisfied by normal earthly things. And maybe especially if you love and pray for someone who is struggling with addiction or a lost feeling, a pain that nothing in your control will assuage. 

“Two powerful words that will instantly change your life…
I CHOOSE.”
~Carolee Waddoups
XOXOXOXO

 

weekend moments & a serious question

Friends, honestly, these days I am enjoying more fun and more overflowing love than any one woman deserves. I could blog all day every day and not keep up with the thousands of beautiful details.

My private notebook journal is filling up quickly with sketches of daily life, and my phone is loaded with snapshots from all the diems being carpe’d. I try to stop, breathe deeply, and soak it all up, try to somehow slow the clock, which only works a little. Life is full to bursting in the best ways.

My sister Angela recently celebrated not only her 40th birthday but, more importantly, her third year of sobriety. I cannot overstate the joy here, the refreshment and encouragement it brings our entire family.

So many swim nights!! Pup friends make it even more fun. And I love my husband. Gosh.

I want to share more stories from our family Seattle vacation. You deserve full and proper reviews of Radium Girls, a book Gen and I read in tandem (fascinating and disturbing!) as well as The Book of Joy and some peripheral reading I am doing about prayer and meditation.

Running and fitness are going pretty well, although I am not training for anything and in fact and going pretty easy on my schedule just to enjoy summertime. I’ll pick up a new marathon plan late July.

The gardens!! The gardens on every side of the farm are pure joy and explosions of life. 

Lots to talk about and many good stories to tell, and not just the surface beauty. Our prayers are being answered in deep and stunning ways. 

Here are a few more happy photos, then if you will stick around for a few minutes and indulge me, I have a serious question about something. It’s a long-standing curiosity I have had, and it appeared in the book I finished.

Our friends’ son Tanner, taking some chalk art very seriously. Cutie!!
We were all at a car show in Stroud, OK, and had lunch at the semi-famous “The Rock.” Fun!!
The Bandit & Leroy!

My running friend Marcia has just retired from an incredible military and teaching career, and she celebrated this weekend. I was so happy to attend her party. She is widely accomplished and much loved by her people, and I left having made a new friend! Such a happy event!!

This morning I joined three other running friends (all women I admire so dang much) for about 8 sweaty, low-heart-rate miles and then some Panera food and coffee. All four of us happened to order the exact same delicious whole grain sandwich with egg white, spinach, and avocado, ha! We caught up on the life stuff we don’t put on Facebook and wished Lisa well, who is soon relocating to Colorado. Tiny T posed for a Boomerang video but is still thinking hard about a worthy caption. I love mornings with running friends. I don’t do it enough. They are fantastic humans and very positive, healthy influences. STRONG HAPPY BOSTON QUALIFIERS!!

Here is the fascinating (to me) question:

Do you think the world at large is improving, or growing worse, or is it neutral? Why?

What about your individual, private life? Please tell me why you fee this way, if you can. 

Okay, now Handsoem and I are getting ready to drive to OKC for my beautiful Mom’s birthday dinner. Nice and casual, just immediate family and a few of the grand-kids. We will feast on excellent Tex Mex food plus two homemade desserts per her request. She is 60 today and we all love her so much. Another topic worthy of its own deliberate blog post. My mom really is the best. 

Thank you for reading and for sharing your thoughts on this topic, friends. I can’t wait to read what you write. And I will be sharing soon why it’s on my radar and what the book had to say. Super interesting stuff.

Happy Sunday evening!!

Carpe those Diems!

XOXOXOXO

 

may 1: the why of what we want, some daily life tidbits, & 2 lists

Welcome to a blog post wherein I hope to play a little catch-up on daily life as well as highlight some things that are really glowing hot and bright inside of me. I am so glad you checked in today, thank you! I always appreciate your presence here, your comments below and on social media or email, and your friendship. I promise to respond to everything and I promise to write more regularly in May. Lots happening at the Lazy W!

This past weekend we enjoyed a heavy dose of spectacular spring weather. Warm temperatures, abundant sunshine and dazzling blue skies, just a trace breeze. Perfect. We stayed outside as much as possible and accomplished several good, worthwhile tasks around the farm. After physically crossing off the line items on a paper list, I added that scrap of paper to our 2018 memories jar so we could savor it all again on New Year’s Eve. It was that satisfying.

We also tried to walk around the OKC Festival of the Arts but found it way too crowded for the level of relaxation we needed that particular day. Some days are for the public, some days are not. We stopped for a late lunch of Tex-Mex instead. Back at home, I carried a book I’m reading out to the south lawn near the new raised veggie beds, added several cushions to a reclining chair, and propped up my bare feet. Sublime. That day was our first motorcycle ride together for many months, too. We enjoyed all of it.

(I’m reading The Handmaid’s Tale, finishing it up today or tomorrow, so we can start watching season two soon. Book review coming!)

Please enjoy the above random collection of necessities like a giant coffee mug, clean running socks, and a packet of sunflower seeds for growing, not eating.

Remembering the why of what we want, as my friend Brittany recently directed me to consider. I want sunshine and stillness and verdant surroundings. Inspiration and words. Sensual stuff. Bare skin, white as it is. Colors, textures, flavors. New things. Old things cleaned up. Assurances of love between those most precious to me, hope for the future of our little family. Time with our friends and a sense of real and lasting contribution. Art! So much art. Slowly prepared food that really feels good when you eat it. Conversation. Artful, interesting, thought-provoking conversation. Endorphins and sweat, soreness. Goals worth working for. A sense of calm and completion. 

These are the things I chase each weekend, and as often as possible in the days in between. This past weekend was a win. 

On Sunday evening we tried to take advantage of the perfect weather by driving a fun car to the city, but our idea was thwarted by mechanical difficulties. Add that to the list of things that need attention, but it’s no big deal.

We have settled into a pleasant tension between work and play. And between mental work and physical work, too, the latter of which being a welcome release for my husband. He values more and more the satisfaction of seeing his efforts made manifest visibly after a long week of phone calls, meetings, emails, and other stressful but not always clearly fruitful efforts. You know? Office dwellers can surely relate to this. And yes to the good feeling of doing any job thoroughly, slowly, and well. No rush, when possible.

The reason for our drive to the city Sunday evening was to join a handful of other married couples for a monthly “Small Group” dinner. We have been attending since around Christmastime, and we love it. It’s very casual. And very nourishing. Our friends Mickey and Kellie invited us to join the group, which is hosted by Gary and Stephani and includes two other wonderful couples. We are all from different backgrounds and ages, different church associations, and different marital histories. Just different people! I love it! The group is patchwork, yet somehow it feels designed.

We meet one Sunday each month for a meal which our very gracious hosts plan and to which we all contribute. (I now get so excited for Stephani’s Friday afternoon texts about what she’s serving that coming weekend! I love to host friends in our home, and I also love being a guest!)

Stephani always has a gorgeous and seasonal centerpiece on her dining room table (my favorite so far has to be Valentine’s Day). This month, capitalizing on the weather, we ate on their deck. The centerpiece was edible and just so good. 

We eat great food, catch up on life, and trade prayer requests and testimonies about how God has been moving. This group of friends feels safe and warm. Smart and intuitive. Handsome and I have already shared with them pretty openly our family struggles of late, and we know that they pray for us in between our dinners. We certainly pray for them too, and we are becoming emotionally attached to their lives.

Side note: Kellie has ruined me for any kale salad that does not contain goat cheese and pickled mustard seeds.

We discuss Bible verses affectionately, not in a cold or authoritative way. We lift each other up, and everyone seems to leave feeling better than before, vessels filled and strong. 

If the gathering could be a flavor or food of its own, it might be a warm-from-the-oven sour-apple tart with a firm shortbread crust and thinly sliced fruit, lots of cinnamon. The tart would be crowned with melting vanilla ice cream. Sweet and salty, warm and cool, flavorful and filling, substantial. Not a dessert that disappears too quickly. And the thing you look forward to eating slowly, on a special occasion. A dish you have plenty of to share with your loved ones, too, and you probably do not need a recipe to make it. Just time, a few supplies, and lots of love.

Like loaves and fishes, which happens to be what started a great conversation this past weekend. Storms brewing and unconditional trust like your eyes are closed on a rollercoaster and loving God for His character, not just the gifts He lavishes on us. But remembering His works, too. Reminding each other how good and faithful He is. Of His abundance.

This small cutie is Magdalene, our hosts’ miracle daughter and without a doubt the darling of Small Group. She and Handsome shared dry cheese, prosciutto, and flat crackers on the deck just before the wind kicked up to illustrate the stormy sea parable. She also offered him olives and tiny fist-scoops of guacamole, which he accepted then stealthily did not eat. Can we all pause to appreciate that a toddler has a wider range of tastes than my husband? Okay.

And her curls and eyes?? My goodness.

Lincoln, Klaussen’s brother I am sure you remember, came to the farm last night. Too much time had passed since our last Shepp slumber party, and we all are enjoying a really happy reunion. All of Tuesday so far has been spent alternating between several enthralling activities.

List #1, German Shepherd Brothers’ Daily Agenda:

  • Cuddling each other
  • Rough-housing with each other
  • Seeing who can be closest to Mom/Lady (that’s what Lincoln calls me, he calls Handsome “Fella”)
  • Chasing but not hurting the cats
  • Running dangerously close to the horses
  • Putting on a show involving fetch apparatus but not actually fetching anything
  • Eating waffles and other treats 
  • Eschewing dog food in favor of said treats
  • High-step prancing around the yard
  • Sniffing the chickens
  • Sitting on Mom’s/Lady’s feet while she types
  • Jumping on the bed as it is being made
  • Watering the gardens and peeing on all the blackberry vines (separate activities)
  • Getting brushed outdoors
  • Doing battle with the vacuum sweeper
  • Napping
  • Smiling from head to tail
  • More napping
  • Welcoming Dad/Fella home with unbridled enthusiasm
  • Aforementioned continued napping
  • Waiting for treats based on the fragrance of dinner cooking  for the parents

I hope Linc gets to stay several days. We love him so much.

My sourdough starter experiment continues (you can see most of these in Instagram stories). Last week I tried a new slicing-bread recipe that called for warm milk instead of water to activate the yeast, plus extra yeast, and the final product was indescribably soft with a tender crust. So good for mopping up runny egg yolks at breakfast.

Last night I mixed up some batter for overnight waffles and cooked them up early this morning. That was a success too! I am collecting all the recipes I’ve tried this past month and will write a blog post just about that soon. If you have a favorite use for sourdough starter, please send it my way! This is so much fun.

I have been dreaming heavily again. Last week I dreamed I was visiting a group of elderly men and women, a scene not unlike one from the movie Cocoon, and they were all so excited to be moving to the Dallas area. Dressed in floral shirts and visors, they were giddy with excitement to be leaving soon. I told them my Grandpa had just moved to Dallas and that I missed him so much. In the dream, I was crying inconsolably. This put a serious damper on the mood as one by one they considered who would miss them after they left town. I woke up sobbing.  

Last night I had an unsettling but still encouraging (I choose to see it this way) dream about Jocelyn. I can barely articulate it. But I know that God is moving. The sensations are familiar. The dream had to do with readiness and surprise, with changes of location and the false appearance of things, especially social media. 

Whew! So many feelings!

Today around lunchtime I kicked off the new month with 8-ish miles, mostly on trails. My hormones are dipping low today and the winds are crazy high, so it was a struggle but still refreshing. That’s how running sometimes is, and I love that! It feels great even when (especially when!) it’s hard.

I’m not sure yet how far I will run this month, as I have two fun trips on the calendar; but I was happy with how March and April fleshed out, all things considered. I am healthy and uninjured and very happy in my legs and belly and heart and mind, all the places that matter. I am at that place of feeling grateful for every mile and for all of my running friends and the inspiration and support they share. More on that soon!

Which brings me to List #2, Favorite Podcasts Lately, which I save for slow easy days like today:

  • Run Eat Repeat
  • I’ll Have Another with Lindsey Hines
  • Oprah Super Soul
  • Run to the Top
  • My Seven Chakras 

By the way, today is the first day of a new month (doesn’t it feel like we have been waiting on May forever?), and the moon was recently full and those energies are so powerful, and my heart is brimming, spilling over really, with gratitude.

I have to sign off for now. Tomorrow just might be spent gardening with Jessica, which is obviously very exciting! She has grown a little since this gardening photo:

Sweet sleep. friends. I would love to know what blessings you’re counting tonight, what magic the full moon is delivering in your world.

“Despite knowing they won’t be here for long,
they still choose to live
their brightest lives.”
~Rupi Kaur
XOXOXOXO

tiptoeing into christmas, and asking for your prayers

If I continue waiting to write until life is back to normal and my heart is steady, I am unlikely to ever form a complete sentence again. So here we go.

But the thing is, really, my heart is plenty steady. Despite the massive unknowns and the very real and fresh grief in our family, I am so thankful to be physically home and to be held in every way by God. There is so much more to say. I promise to not be vague forever.

Here is my baby, a woman already, clipping wild sage for me to bring back home. I miss her so much, and yet I feel her right here against my arm and can smell her too. xoxo

Let’s nibble at the day to day things for a bit.

Handsome and I have been tiptoeing into Christmas and it feels nice. It’s important, especially when at first you don’t feel like doing it, you know? I guess it’s all about discerning rituals and traditions apart from cultural obligations. Do what feels good and right. Let it all serve you and your family, rather than become your master.

Immediately after a bizarre and beautiful Thanksgiving with family, we put up our tree, festooned the outside of the house with lights and our Snoopy garden inflatable, and started adding a little more every other day or so. Paperwhite bulbs are inching their way skyward, a sure sign of winter here. A variety of Christmas music plays almost constantly (really loving Sia’s album). More wrapped gifts appear downstairs every day. Neither of us will claim responsibility.

We have accepted more invitations to socialize than I have felt “up to” accepting; and after almost declining each one, every single time I come home so glad. So happy for the loving energy we share with friends and strangers, so refreshed to be away from the farm for a few hours, just to remember that life and the world are big and expansive. As much as I love it here, I always love it even more when we drive home.

I have to mention our dear friends Mickey and Kellie. We’ve all become acquainted sort of by chance (if you still, after all the ways life happens, believe in chance). Now they are part of our fabric, plain and simple. They pray for us and with us. They open their hearts and offer love and support, advice when needed. They feed us both incredible meals and much-needed Truth. If our friendship is an accident, then it ranks among the best in life. A funny thing is that we have precious few photos together (except for Halloween!) because even a small event tends to grow into a leisurely five-hour conversation, all four of us talking and listening and laughing. You know that popular graphic floating around, “Do more of what makes you forget your phone,” well that’s time with Mickey and Kellie. Straight up. So, not many photos. Ha!

We have joined in with the Jedi OKC folks twice recently. Once to dress up for the District Attorney’s Christmas party for foster kids in the OKC area. This is an incredible tradition. Then again for a small town Christmas parade in Blanchard. The weather was merciful and the crowds were so happy and sweet. I am always proud to be with Batman, even if he is embarrassed that when I throw candy I tend to peg kids right in the face.

 

Party on (Bruce) Wayne, party on Darth! xoxo

The Apartment has become Santa’s workshop in new ways this year. Besides sewing (I’m having lots of fun making gifts this year, fun creative surprises, not so much selling aprons right now) the Apartment is a gathering spot. Klaus plays with his myriad toys while I sew or wrap and Handsome draws and paints. Adding a television to this big upstairs room means we can watch Christmas movies as we dabble. It’s all lots of fun, and I hope it becomes a habit that stretches beyond December.

Not pictured is the vacuum sweeper which Klaus is battling, causing him to appear blurry. He regards the Apartment as his playroom. He’s not wrong. xoxo

From a practical standpoint, it’s nice having all of our explosive creativity located in one big, spacious room. It’s decorated and cheerful here but still somewhat “contained,” haha, so the rest of the house stays neat day to day.

Running has been a joy, not a chore at all. Most mornings, right after Handsome leaves for the Commish, I make the bed and wipe down the kitchen, feed the animals, start a load of laundry, and then lace up. Six to eleven miles per day had been my sweet spot, but I am running without a plan this month. Just enough to feel good day to day and keep my heart beating evenly. I have done lots of crying in these solitary hours, and it’s a very good thing. Better runners and more prolific writers than me have already expressed how the physical act of running and breathing is like a mediation, and I will add to that: The privacy of prayer when you are outdoors surrounded by nature is just going to church, plain and simple.

Nice and slow and easy. Refreshing. On this day I remember having energy to spare but my heart was drawn back home. Lots of Christmas things happening!

Speaking of running! Yesterday evening we drove to OKC to join a few dozen local runners for dinner at Hideaway Pizza. Two of my friends plus more have some experience with the Hanson brothers’ marathon training method and have offered their mentorship to those of us who are new to it. I’ve read the book and have already become fascinated by the science, so listening to real life success stories just got my blood pumping for real. I will keep you guys posted on this, whether you want me to or not, ha! Marathon training starts on Christmas week.

Jeff and Robin are two people who have my admiration for many reasons, even outside of their incredible marathon journeys. They are buoyant, joyful, strong, and so loving and prayerful in genuine ways. (But yes for sure I stalk them both on social media for running inspiration!)

Our kitchen’s abundant baking drawer has been restocked now, minus pecans, almonds, and walnuts. Exactly when those items tripled in price I don’t know, but if you have an affordable local spot to suggest I’m all ears!

The Lazy W baking list is long and happy this month. Today a small stack of blank pizza boxes should arrive, meant for packing the treats as gifts. Very excited about this. Hopefully, I’ll soon be joined by a special sous chef or two.

Music is helping me a lot lately. Traditional hymns like “O Little Town of Bethlehem,” especially this line…

The hopes and fears of all the years
Are met in Thee tonight.

Also Sia’s album. One song in particular is Snowflake. She croons…

There’s noone like you so I’m gonna hide you my sweet.
Keep you till winter when you won’t be needing me.
Snowflake don’t forget us…
If I were a betting man I’d bet a million of you.
There’s no way around this, the only way now is through.

Friends, life is good and beautiful. Love is as powerful as ever. Prayer works.

I am here to celebrate the little victories and many pleasures afforded us, despite our mistakes and despite the fears looming. But I am also here asking for your prayers. Our beautiful girl is in trouble. We love her so much, it is excruciating, and no matter how busy we stay, she is at the forefront of our minds every minute of every day. She is far away but always in our hearts, often in my dreams, in the background of every conversation, every project.

God has taken so much out of our hands, we have no control right now. But He does. And we believe that He is drawing us in and holding us tight, guiding our beliefs and saying “Witness Me,” watch what He will do for us, for her.

That’s about all I can write this morning. It’s after six now and the roosters are crowing. Another full day is cracking open, and I feel God nearby. In Colorado, too.

Merry Christmassing, friends!
Talk again soon.
XOXOXOXO

 

early autumn, mid morning, deep bliss

The wooden deck is still damp from last night’s rainstorm. The surrounding gardens and lawns are soaked too, and newly vibrant. Single oak leaves and twigs with two or three leaves still attached litter everything, a cheerful seasonal confetti. A long, branching strand of Virgina Creeper clinging to the old brick smokehouse is autumn colored finally, boasting as much red and rust in its flat, serrated leaves as summertime’s leathery green. 

The oak trees are getting the same idea, finding their oranges and browns slowly in dots and splotches and fading, bleeding edges. Although many of those leaves won’t fall, it’s nice to see them change.

Midmorning sunlight cuts across the space, dissecting the shade garden and illuminating hydrangea blooms, both the violet, velvety ones and the dried, sepia colored ones. Faded zinnias are left in darkness.

He is lighting and stirring the bonfire now. Smoke from the torched, oily pine branches jets upward, and the cold sunlight plays games with that too.

I love the opposite temperatures. Chills and breezes crawling up my spine and flesh-shrinking heat on my face. Sunglasses do a poor job of shielding me from either the heat or the smoke. 

Some of the pansies and cabbages are still heavy from rain, still diamond studded. Their colors especially vivid. I cannot resist taking multiple snapshots of them. None of them are good. The real thing always shrugs off the imitations.

Ashes fall over us. Kittens scramble around new pallet decking. Logs crackle and collapse then pop again as the bonfire gains strength. 

All of this puts us somewhere between breakfast and lunchtime. Also somewhere between summer and fall. Not a day for working, no plans for extravagance. Just a good, deep breath of opposites and comfort and steady transformation.

XOXOXOXO