Lazy W Marie

Carpeing all the diems in semi-rural Oklahoma...xoxo

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42 things I have been meaning to say to Angela

For my first sibling Angela, on your 42nd birthday…

  1. Everyone who calls you friend feels deep-down lucky, me included.
  2. You were an especially beautiful baby, I could see it even as a little girl. You were a bright, glowy orb of peach fuzz and smiles, and you lit up that little duplex in Plano, Texas.
  3. Have you ever actually finished a plate of food? Doubtful.
  4. I am very sorry about the time I tricked you into using permanent marker as eyeliner. Hehe. I mean I really am sorry, ha. But you are the one who did it.
  5. You have unnatural physical strength for your size. How?
  6. I love how ready for adventure you always are. Road trips! Hiking! Camping! Zip-lining! Parties and sightseeing! It’s a sight to behold, and an inspiration.
  7.  Your children are three of the luckiest children in the world…
  8. …as is your gorgeous daughter in law.
  9. I can’t believe you’re a mother in law before me, ha! Ha!!
  10. I think of you every time I almost wear a bright color but opt for black.
  11.  And yet, the color association I have for you is an actual shimmering double rainbow.
  12.  It breaks my heart that someone as openhearted and enthusiastic about life as you are, has so much trauma and fear from which to heal. But you are doing it. Keep it up.
  13. How weird and cool that after all these years we can band together over the Law of Attraction and faith, specifically.
  14. Thank you for always, from day one, loving my girls with no reservations, no limits.
  15. Thank you for sharing Dante with me when our kids were little, for allowing him to be part of so many precious family memories.
  16.  Thank you for sharing Chloe and Kenzie, too, for summer visit at the farm and more. They are irreplaceable, and I am so glad they have you.
  17. I am still a little salty about losing to you at Tug of War a couple of months ago. That was honestly ridiculous and I demand a rematch.
  18. You are amazingly loud. Like literally, you have an impressive vocal volume. If we could average your voice with my voice we might arrive at an average-decibel human voice.
  19.  How can you nap so easily? Is that the secret to your physical strength? Or are you sleepy because you never finish your food?
  20.  Our family was not okay while you were gone. And we are so much better with you “home” with us, among us, as part of all of us near and far. We need you.
  21.  Even Brene Brown does not hold a candle to your vulnerability. You exude it, along with both humor and gravity about the big stuff in life. You never shy away from the truth, no matter how scary it is.
  22.  When you wrote to me from prison, I took a long time to read your letter. I had so much healing of my own to do, and so many conflicting emotions, that I had to gather my energy for it. But I keep it nearby now and am actively thankful for you every time I see it.
  23.  How many ear infections have you had in life, really? I mean!
  24.  I will never forgive you for the “sponge cake” prank. But I will steal the idea and do it to someone else.
  25.   Much like Mom, you make people feel seen, and you make people feel seen for their best qualities. You both have a way of helping people remember the best possible things about themselves, and I hope you always have someone nearby to do this for you, too. Because you deserve it.
  26.   One of my favorite things about you is how naturally and genuinely you slash through chit chat and small talk to get straight to the real conversation. I LOVE THAT!
  27. Also, you get straight to belly laughs quickly, and it is contagious. I love that too!
  28.   Will you please make me egg rolls? You make the best egg rolls.
  29.  I love how you call my husband out on stuff. And how you often just end it with, “Whatever Brandy.” Hehe. It delights me.
  30.   You are such a voracious reader! If you were when we were younger, I didn’t  notice it. I love discussing books and everything with you now.
  31.   Even at 42, you are a bright, glowy orb of peachiness and smiles. You look more beautiful every year, and frankly it’s annoying.
  32. Much like Dad, you have a weird and wonderful talent for gift giving. Over and over again, you both find really personal, specific treasures for everyone in your life, and it is just so cool.
  33.   Do you remember Randee Dandy Julie? That might be part of my rainbow association with your spirit. But just part of it.
  34.   I love your heart for abandoned animals, even when you were little.
  35.  Your future adopted dogs will be very loved and happy!
  36.   I also love your ability to draw a crowd for celebrations. You really are the life of every party! We love it when you walk in to any event!!
  37.  Do you remember that time we got into an argument over whether it was okay to over-annunciate “daddy” as “DATTEE” and it escalated into a fight and WOW. That memory floats to the surface sometimes when I hear the word “goatee” and I wonder if really, we should be saying it as “GOADEE.” No! Obviously! So dumb!
  38.   I am sad for the years we lost not being close friends, because I thought I was so much older (four years, ha!) and that being sisters was enough. Turns out, being both sisters and friends is such a wild gift in life.
  39.   Your clients at Hope are so lucky to have your heart and mind and tenacity and Love working in their favor. You have an ability to connect with people and finish work worth doing, and no matter what happens in the future I know you are living out part of your personal mission, your vocation in life to serve others.
  40.  Are you having a good birthday? It’s so weird this year, I know, but you deserve a wonderful, deep watering of love. I cannot wait to see you!
  41.   Happy sobriety anniversary, too! We are all so blown away and happy for your health, so proud and inspired by your journey.
  42.   Why do you hate Twister so agressively? I do not get that.
Image may contain: 3 people, including Angela Tucker, people smiling

Ang, I love you more than I can express, either seriously or as a joke. You are a gift and a treasure and irreplaceable for a million reasons. Happiest of birthdays, sister.

Love Over Fear
XOXO

cashews, watermelon, & ancient stoic wisdom

Do you ever wake up and think, Man from now on I will live off of cashews and watermelon. Just send me outside, that’s all I need.

Summer is taking hold here now, and I have these moments often. My heart opens generously, my mind is pliable and calm and trembling with ideas, all at once, and my body’s needs simplify.

Sometimes the chickens eat breakfast out of watermelon rinds.

Cashews, watermelon, and limitless hours of sunshine. Okay, maybe also some lake running and trail hiking, a few excellent mugs of dark coffee, a big clean swimming pool, and thin cotton pajamas for wearing after a very good, scrubby shower, which you take only after a long day of gardening and running. Maybe a stack of books and journals. Oh! Also friends and family for bonfire conversation and the new Top Gun movie with greasy popcorn and sticky red Twizzlers.

And suddenly I am Steve Martin’s character Navin Johnson from The Jerk who leaves with just this ashtray, that’s all he needs! I feel so sad every time I think of him lugging around his miscellaneous treasures, dog nipping and barking, but really wasn’t it wasteful to have a disco room in his mansion? And I am very thankful for our modern consumer protections which will hopefully keep us all from going cross eyed from wearing new inventions like his.

I digress.

Wait, also, in addition to Top Gun, what other movies were you excited to see this summer, that are being released late thanks to the pandemic?

There is something else I want to talk to you about. I came across it while soaking up some ancient stoics’ teachings, and I think it is so useful anytime, but especially now: “Amor Fati,” translated from Latin as “a love of fate.” This is, “the state in which one is in friendly acceptance of fate… the consummate achievement of human life, and the only path to happiness.”  

How does this strike you? Let me expound just a tad, then answer again, in case at first blush it feels too much like, “bloom where you are planted,” which I know has some negative vibes surrounding it, as if we are resigning to something we don’t choose for ourselves. Okay:

Marcus Aurelius is one of the stoics credited for loving the concept of Amor Fati. He had a perspective that demanded we use all of our circumstances, the good and the bad, the ugly and unexpected, as kindling for our inner fire. A podcast on this topic offered that analogy. On Daily Stoic, I heard the host say, “Everything you throw in front of a fire becomes fuel for the fire. A person who is hungry, who can make use of everything that happens to them, that’s the person who gets better and better.”

Another echo I am hearing for Amor Fait is the ever so soothing encouragement, “Smile at the thought.” I first heard this through a running blogger’s mom, who told her daughter to deal with anxieties by literally, physically with her face, smiling every time a negative situation presented itself in her mind. Over time it rewires your thoughts and emotions to connect with that problem in a more positive way. This is a great tactic, and I use it often, though I will admit that at first it feels a bit maniacal, ha. Stick with it.

None of these are exercises in resignation or abandonment of our own drives and ambitions. I am so not into promoting self-flagellation. To me, it’s feels like the exact opposite. Amor Fati feels like taking control of our attitude, intentions, and energies and using every circumstance in life to our advantage, accepting as gifts all that what we are given and putting those gifts to work. It feels like an invitation to make something beautiful out of what might be seen as scraps and obstacles, throwaways and even dead stops.

The obstacle is the way.

Friendly acceptance, not begrudging compliance. This tweak provides such a lift!

Starting over, employing our ingenuity and tenacity, building and rebuilding as often as necessary to design ever more beautiful mosaics from shattered pieces rather than forever mourning the broken plates. This is a transformative approach to the inevitable problems and disappointments in life. Nothing is wasted. We redeem everything, especially time. Waiting for something becomes an invitation to learn or practice something else.

With this approach, the possibilities for growth and improvement are limitless. We are limitless.

I hope that when we are met with roadblocks and disappointments, we cope with them more gracefully than Navin Johnson did. I also hope that we have plenty of cashews and watermelon, if it happens in summertime. It’s the small comforts, after all.

“The obstacle is the way.”
XOXOXOXO

a few coping exercises

Hello again, friend, and happy Sunday! According to my journal, we are at day 64 of the quarantine in Oklahoma. It has been a curving, intuitive, stumbling walk through unfamiliar woods, right? With a few bumps and scrapes along the way? But it’s okay. It’s different, but it’s okay. I hope you’re okay.

I just wanted to pop in and offer a few thought experiments and coping exercises that I love, in case you could use a fresh approach this coming week. Take what you like, leave what you don’t, and feel free to share your own ideas!

Here and Now: I close my eyes and imagine an actual X-Y axis and put myself in the center of it, safe and surrounded by Love. I am here, in this beautiful place, today, in this moment, and this time is both fleeting and elastic. It will never come again. I am safe. I imagine each of my people in this space too, either in their own X-Y axis or in mine. Then I open my eyes and really pause. Friend, try to remind yourself that most worries and fears are about the future, the conjured up what ifs, and most sadness is about the past or the imagined or magnified losses. Not all of them, I admit; life is brimming with very real grief and I do not mean to diminish that. But if you can harness your energy and imagination and pour it all generously into the present moment, the current situation, you will walk more powerfully and deal with that grief better. Worries tend to dissolve in the heat of mindfulness. You will also be primed to more fully celebrate brand new joys!

Attitude of Gratitude: Bob Goff has some great explorations of the word attitude in his stories about small aircraft. He explains well the importance of small, imperceptible degrees as you set your course and how they change the plane’s trajectory, its ultimate destination. This image helps me remember that attitude is more than a flimsy notion about our thoughts, more than an invisible flavor; attitude is literally how we shape our path and progress in the world. And gratitude, as we know, unlocks all kinds of blessings. It’s an amazing combination.

I was given the chance to catch some bees this week! I was nervous and excited. Definitely grateful for so many aspects of this project. Those emotions shaped the whole experience.

Pretend This is All Your Design (befriend the moment): Do you ever feel trapped? Especially if you are really quarantined, right? This exercise is surprisingly helpful for me in lots of circumstances. It draws me out of a frustrated, victimized state of mind and helps me see how much is actually going in my favor. I do this in small, common moments, and I do this in the grander scheme of things too. It helps. Try it! Just literally pretend for a few minutes that everything you can notice was your idea, no matter how weird, no matter how “good” or “bad.” In fact, in this fantasy everything is good. Pretend that you had a secret and deliberate plan for everything to be exactly the way it is, and somehow your mind will begin to fish out the hidden benefits. You can (at least temporarily) become sold on the upside to every perceived limitation and obstacle. Results will vary, haha, but if you can get your creative juices flowing, then you can begin to see that some things are not so bad after all. Some difficulties really are blessings, or at least opportunities for growth. Life should not always be easy, right? Let’s scrape out all the benefits of weird times. Have fun with this one.

Accept, then act. Whatever the present moment contains, accept it as if you had chosen it. Always work with it, not against it. Make it your friend and ally, not your enemy. This will miraculously transform your life. ~Eckhart Tolle

Sensory Inventory: This practice not only refocuses me into the present moment; it helps keep words and phrases fresh and active in my mind. I try to do it at unusual times of day, too, not just the obviously poetic moments like sunrise or the golden hour. Invest a few minutes taking stock of a particularly stressful or unpleasant chapter of your pandemic life, and you might find some humor or hidden beauty there; you may even find a profound message. Try this practice when you do not feel the least bit poetic or particularly observant, so you can develop those muscles. Write down seven categories: Everything you see, hear, taste, touch, and smell. Now add your thoughts and emotions, for they are certainly part of your private landscape. Take a good, honest inventory and do so without judgement. Allow wide eyed observation and curiosity to take a high-resolution snapshot of what is a truly happening in your life. If I had students or children at home, I would absolutely be challenging them to write Senses Inventories at random times throughout quarantine, then keep those little scraps of paper in a memory book to read twenty years from now.

Move Your Body (in a new way): Oh man, haha! Okay, I have had to cut way back on running due to some spicy Achilles and ankle situations, and it took me some time to remember how good it feels to truly indulge in other physical activities, I mean indulge in the fullness of them, without the exhaustion of high mileage. After a few weeks of pouting then a few days of choosing joyful movement, my body feels good and lively again. I dare you to try this ahead of necessity. Move in all directions. Flex and stretch and allow life’s energy to literally flow through you, then make sure you are nourished and hydrated in your favorite ways. Our minds and spirits and bodies are already all one being, no doubt about it. Nurture that and enjoy the benefits.

Remember The Book of Joy that we ready a couple of years ago? My Mom is reading it now, on my brother Joey’s recommendation! I love it when we all devour the same goodness.

Okay, that’s what I have for you today! How are you finding a bit of calm in the chaos? Please share. I wish you vibrant health and abundant joy this week. Hope to talk again soon.

“Although the world is full of suffering,
it is also full of the overcoming of it.”
~Helen Keller
XOXOXOXO

BE ULTRA podcast

Friends!

I recently had the most luscious opportunity to chat with my extraordinary friend Shanna, and our recorded conversation became an episode on her podcast, Be Ultra.

Shanna and I met by chance just a little over a year ago at the inaugural meeting for a new local running club, a club which, it bears mentioning, neither of us joined. But we have been running together, just us!

We enjoyed an instant connection. It has been one of those rare friendships where we only cross paths once in a blue moon, but when we do the time is well spent. We dive deep and fast, and (because we are running friends) the sweat is a great conductor of good vibes.

Something I love about Shanna is how genuinely interested she is in other people’s stories. It’s her vocation, sure, being a suicide prevention therapist, but clearly it is also her nature. And she shares as well as she listens, which is why I think you’ll love this podcast episode. It is less of a Q & A about me and much more an authentic exchange between two people just living life and grappling with the universal stuff.

I hope you’ll give it a listen, friends!

We talk about this farm and our evolving purpose here, a little bit of our history. We also cover family life and raising daughters, trauma, spiritual guidance and discerning God’s voice and finding peace day to day, running injuries, human resiliency, the Law of Attraction and Mitt Romney and contradicting energies, the healing power of nature, and more. Toward the end, we begin assembling a recommended reading list, but it’s incomplete. You can look for that to be shared here soon!

Shanna is so fun to just be near (at a safe distance this time, ha!), I wish you could feel her personal energy. Ok. If you listen let us know what you think. And we will talk again soon!

Shanna, I know we will run together again, eventually. And I really hope that once the covid-19 quarantine is winding down you will visit the farm for an especially long dinner and bonfire and many more hours of deep conversation. You and her husband and your kiddos will fit in here so perfectly!

UBUNTU:
I am because we are.
XOXOXOXO

the cult dream

Are you dreaming extra weird dreams during this pandemic? Bonus points if this is even weirder for you because of Shark Week hormones.

Last night I had a whopper, a real story line worth sharing.

THE CULT DREAM:

On a whim I attended some multi-cultural creativity retreats that turned out to be a cult. We were promised dream catchers and meditation and book studies, among other treats. And instead of a locked down compound, it was the kind of cult where you can leave, go home, and come back at your leisure, as long as you wear your name tag and sign up for enough community service.

Weirdly, most of the members didn’t seem to like anyone else in the group very much, but they acted happy. Everyone had glossy, curly hair, except me. They kept coming back for more and just stayed in tight little two or three -person cliques. The overall lighting was wanting.

As far as I could tell, the biggest “initiation” ceremony had to do with being submerged in a giant tank of choppy water and keeping just the tip of your nose exposed for breathing. It was scary, because you had to tread with your legs only, not use your arms to stay above water, and if just a few splashes of the water entered your nose, your chances were ruined. I don’t know what the prize was, besides membership, but tension was high. Drowning was the least of our worries.

We never got around to crafts or studying. Not even yoga. As far as I could tell, the only special power held by cult members was the ability to hear animals’ thoughts as clearly as a person speaking English. Voices, accents, inflection, everything. This might be the bees knees and quite fun, except that the cult meeting room was filled with puppies who were terrified and in pain, and nobody cared. It was excruciating.

At some point, the whole cult took a field trip to the zoo, and the leaders were soon cornered in such a way that a secret lever was activated, and a giant fake hollow rock cave was lowered over them, trapping them. Like a real Scooby Doo moment. My husband was suddenly there with me, and he said, chuckling, “How’s it feel to be caught?” Hehe.

The confusion reigned for a while longer, and I eavesdropped on several conversations about who was there and why and who they hated most and why. The leaders’ entrapment did little to soften the mood, apparently. And nobody took the opportunity to leave.

Then a meeting was called to order, and without warning I was dismissed for all of eternity, rejected and barred by the whole cult. My offense? Writing too many inspirational messages on the walls. The walls were plain, exposed lath and plaster, horizontal relics of twentieth century home construction, perfect for sentences.

I left the cult, hurt by the rejection but also relieved to have my freedom.

The End.

You‘re in a cult, call your dad!!