Lazy W Marie

Carpeing all the diems in semi-rural Oklahoma...xoxo

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saying thank you for 2016

December 31, 2016

Soaking in our second Hot Tub Summit of the day, this time drenched in bright sunshine instead of stardust, I casually asked my husband how will he remember this past year. What stands out to him about 2016. He said that was too big a question to spring on a person, and of course he’s right. I have been meditating on this question for days and still have not distilled a complete answer.

These past twelve months have been wildly textured, rich with hurt and joy, adventure, romance, back-breaking labor, stress that made us brittle then relief that rinsed us clean and made us pliable again, accomplishments, failures, more accomplishments, and so much popcorn.

Thank goodness for homemade popcorn, really, and all the cuddling that comes with it.

I do not count myself among the folks who are weighed down mourning the apparently disproportionate loss of celebrities this year. To each his own, for sure. I admit that our 2016 In Memoriam will be a tear jerker when those video montages start circulating, but my real actual life has been such a roller coaster of grief and joy, and that roller coaster has lasted for so many years with almost no acknowledgement from the outside world, that I have little need to mourn strangers. Does that sound cold or dis-compassionate? It doesn’t feel that way. I just feel fairly focused on this gorgeous little nine-acre bubble here. Well, these nine acres plus all the places on Earth where our disconnected loved ones call home.

Love knows no property lines, of course. And maybe also not time.

I can barely remember whether I declared a big glittering resolution a year ago, but I am so happy to look back and see that the year was far better than I could have hoped or achieved on my own. The Law of Attraction must have a built in clause about excess and grace, because so many things have happened beyond my wildest imagination, it’s thrilling. I feel healthy, settled, strong, grateful, excited, nourished, and eyes-wide-open, you know?

That last one bears a cool distinction because for a while (a few years) there I was living so much by faith that my eyes were shut tight. If that makes any sense. I had to drive fast and hard and follow the curves completely blind in order to keep moving forward.

I am still relying on faith, as it always should be, but now minus the constant terror.

Anyway. If I had a resolution or even a theme word for 2016, I don’t remember it and have little interest in searching my blog or journal to know for sure. Life has brought me (us, I hope) to a better place.

Instagram “Top Nine” offers the following memories, based solely on likes:

top-9-2016-c

It was fun to walk down that lane. But I don’t put everything on Instagram. Those photographic archives don’t show the late night conversations with Jocelyn, the private moments of reflection spent reading challenging books, and certainly not the irreplaceable romance I enjoy with my husband. Even logging most of my sweaty, hard-earned miles one digital place or another, I cannot see anywhere online how much running has changed my life. My sister Angela’s full-spectrum journey back to health and the family is nowhere on the internet, and neither is my husband’s amazing career evolution.

No collective experience on social media, not even on this blog where I indulge myself constantly, can paint the full portrait of my life lately, and that’s good. That’s really, really good.

We still have unfulfilled longings, unanswered prayers, and goals for which we strive constantly. This also is really good, because we remain (mostly) humble and hungry.

youll-survive-c

It’s the last day of a spectacular year, and I just want to say THANK YOU to God, to all the elements of the Universe that have converged to answer our hopes and reward our work. I want to say thank you to our friends who have helped shape our world so beautifully, and even to our few enemies who are just living their own lives, after all. We learn plenty from you, and we don’t feel hate anymore.

Handsome and I have not quite decided how we’ll celebrate New Year’s Eve, because we both assumed it would be easy to find the right event, but everything locally is sold out, ha! It’s fine. Friday night we attended a wonderful engagement party for our friends Tami and Jason, and tomorrow night we are hosting a casual bonfire to kick off 2017 with easy fun. So if tonight we stay home with our animals and soak up a quiet countdown to midnight, that’s fine by me.

Homemade popcorn and cuddling sound perfect.

Then on to dreaming big for 2017.

dreamcatcher-c

See you next year, friends!

XOXOXOXO

8 Comments
Filed Under: daily life, goals, grace, gratitude, Happy New Year, memories, thinky stuff

jocelyn’s amazing colorado tiger butter

December 18, 2016

This past week, since writing to you guys about our recent feast on Soul Cake, we have feasted on the glorious stuff even more. Our oldest surprised us with a visit home from Colorado, and now she is home again, back in Colorado. She is at home with herself, really, and with her sweet pup Bridget, but that is a whole other blog post. Anyway, to say that Christmas came early to the Lazy W is quite an understatement.

Today, while the details are fresh, I want to share with you a recipe she taught me this week: Tiger Butter. You just might find it useful for an upcoming holiday party! Then soon, more Soul Cake stories, because my gosh… xoxo

jocelyns-amazing-colorado-tiger-butter-c

Background: The Girl worked a brief stint at a well known candy shop, The Rocky Mountain Chocolate Factory. While there she learned all kinds of great tricks and secrets about candy making and has been eager to share it all. Most notable to me is how she learned to measure ingredients by weight, not volume. I had read a little about this in Julia Child’s book My Life in France but never really considered the practical differences until Jocelyn stood in front of my Oklahoma stove puzzling out her chocolate-peanut butter ratios. After a few moments she declared with that signature doe-eyed confidence, “We’re just gonna eye-ball it.” Okay! And it turned out so good.

Tiger Butter is a bark-style candy flavored like Reese’s and named for its stripes, which you achieve by dragging a knife through contrasting flavors/colors of molten yumminess. It has precious few ingredients and comes together more easily than I expected. Tiger Butter is so rich that you must nibble it slowly, in tiny cold pieces, so a batch seems to last forever compared to, say, a big heap of chunky oatmeal cookies that can double as a meal for yours truly. According to Joc, and I heartily agree, a mouthful of Tiger Butter requires a chaser of ice cold milk. I would suggest strong dark coffee too, but the combo of high sugar with high caffeine might be… Shaky.

Okay.

What You Need:

  • 2 microwave-safe bowls, one medium and one small (Yes, you could certainly do this stove top instead.)
  • a shallow freezer-safe dish lined with waxed paper (we used a petite glass one, somewhat smaller than 9 x 13)
  • about 2 cups your favorite peanut butter (We used just less than half of a 28-ounce jar of Peter Pan smooth. She said crunchy is also delicious if you like added texture.)
  • 1 bag white chocolate chips
  • 1/2 bag your favorite chocolate chips to supplement the white chocolate (I think she chose semi-sweet. This was part of the confident eye-balling in lieu of weighing out the ingredients, so you should do the same, knowing that this chocolate will blend with the peanut butter and white chocolate flavors.)
  • up to but not necessarily a whole bag of dark chocolate chips (for the top layer)

That is a lot of richness, right? Straight peanut butter and at least two bags of chocolate chips. But to my surprise you need neither butter nor evaporated milk like with pralines, no eggs, etc. Tiger butter is a rich, dense, straight to the point, focused indulgence. A lot like my girl, if you ask me.

Okay.

What You Do:

  1. Line the shallow pan with waxed paper and set aside.
  2. In medium bowl, combine peanut butter, white chocolate chips, and extra chocolate chips (as needed) then cook in the microwave, stirring occasionally, melt some more, get it smooth and shiny. (Joc said the proportions should be approximately 1:1 peanut butter to chocolate, but she also tasted it and adjusted between melting sessions. You can scarcely make this wrong so no worries.)
  3. Pour this pale colored lava into your prepared dish/pan. Admire the sheen and the shimmer. Set aside.
  4. In smaller bowl, melt the dark chocolate to the same glossy gorgeousness.
  5. Dollop this second chocolate onto the pale layer gently, maybe on alternating sides. Think of this step as your chance to be creative. You are staging the origins of your stripes.
  6. Now use either a butter knife or a toothpick or a chopstick (something more delicate than your finger, though you will be tempted) to drag slow, deliberate lines from one dollop to the next, leaving drag marks as you go. Drag all the way across the pan then start again, going in opposing directions. Again, get creative and have fun! Joc said she once drew her name in the chocolate. So somewhere out in the world a stranger has enjoyed handmade chocolate with my daughter’s name frozen in the face of it. If you move in an even, checkerboard pattern your dark chocolate layer can achieve a feathery effect, which is beautiful.
  7. Once you like the look of your creation, place the whole thing in the freezer for a couple of hours. It will harden nicely without changing design at all. Later, if you lift it out by the waxed paper hammock, you can then cut it uniformly with a sharp knife or break it into irregular, craggy shapes. It packs great for gifts or a potluck party or a dessert bar, whatever your plan. Remember a little of this rich treat goes a long way!

That’s it! Some chocolate chips, some peanut butter, your microwave and freezer, and a little time. You will be elbow deep in homemade candy and also have a cool connection to the Rockies and my beautiful firstborn.

Thanks for checking in, friends. I hope your December has been filled with surprises and miracles like ours. I hope you try making your own Tiger Butter! And I hope to see you here again soon. Lots more fun stuff on the horizon.

Be sweet
XOXOXOXO

 

4 Comments
Filed Under: Christmas, holidays, joc, memories, recipes

all these octobers

October 13, 2016

One of Mama Kat’s writing prompts this week intrigued me for a reason that was difficult to articulate even to myself, until I did the work. She asked us to share what we had blogged about this time last year, and the year before, etcetera. After taking a look I realized that this month of seasonal transition has historically delivered quite a punch. Just when Oklahoma’s weather is mellowing out and the gardens are slowing to an easy pace, I get my own personal little hurricane season. It’s not all been bad or painful, of course; sometimes change is exactly what we need. And even pain can be fruitful. 

2015

October last year was like emotional excavation. I remember loving the outdoors daily and feeling aware of my age but happy. Klaus was growing fast and Jocelyn was settling into a new chapter in Colorado, and I was all about the slow decay of nature, the passage of time. I was dreaming heavily about Jessica, just as I am this October. This post called Lovelier Than Perfection was short and sweet. But then a strong wave of nostalgia and empty-nest pain crashed into me and I wrote this. A month before some stuff had happened in our marriage that caused such deep and lasting hurt between us that I can hardly believe it was a full year ago. Remember the Super Moon? It more or less coincided with those events that are still a tender bruise to us. Or at least to me. And October was when I started releasing it all. Whew.

joc sunset dusty

2014

October two years ago was when our tomcat Geoffrey got stuck. It was also when Jocelyn was visiting the farm and we made some pretty gorgeous memories like the ones shared here. As happens when the weather changes, I also had to claw my way out of the pit of deep despair and back into the light. But I was also baking these cookies and reminiscing about early motherhood and my Grandpa. See? HURRICANE.

flourless peanut butter cookie recipe

2013

October 2013 was when we lost my husband’s mother. Hers was a sudden death, though she had not been well or happy (stress-free) for a long time. The years and months and days and hours since have been a mix of pain and healing, anxious awareness of stress levels and heart health (my husband’s in particular), and filling the many holes left by grief that big. That same month, of course, we tried to rally our spirits to help my parents celebrate a milestone wedding anniversary, and my goodness how life has tested them in the few years since. October 2013 was hard. Beautiful in the ways that helped us survive, but hard.

2012

The October before that, we hosted a really fun family dinner here at the farm to celebrate my Dad’s 55th birthday! We all laughed hard with each other and ate lasagna with all the trimmings followed by a butter-pecan layer cake with cream cheese frosting. I love my Dad so much and hope we get to celebrate his birthday again this year! Fingers crossed that he just cannot live without this cake again.

rp_Dad-55.JPG

Also in 2012 was a pretty memorable book club event that included an out of town guest author, Jen Luitweiler She drove all the way from Tulsa to the farm to meet most of our group at that time and answer a thousand-hundred-million questions about her book Run With Me. We ate and talked and listened and ate and smiled until it hurt. (I feel like pointing out that this was a several months before I started training for my first half marathon! Long time ago. Ancient history.)

rp_Run-With-Me-book-cover.jpg

Even Earlier…

Going back much further would plunge us into pre-blogging Octobers and a family life that was filled with a mix of volleyball and homework, suddenly vacant little girl bedrooms, an abundance of friendships to distract us, newborn babies, road trips, fledgling gardens, rent houses and used car purchases, art projects, slumber parties, and terrifying hospital stays. Not in that order. I kind of wish I had been blogging all along, just to digest again the best and worst parts of life.

As much as I crave and relish the details of any big season change, clearly it tends to be a mixed blessing. And that’s okay. For all its difficulties, life continues to look and feel more beautiful every October.

Thanks for the walk down memory lane, Kat! See you on Snap-Chat. You are so cute as the deer. 

“We write to taste life twice,
In the moment and in retrospect.”
~Anais Nin
XOXOXOXO

4 Comments
Filed Under: Mama Kat, memories, thinky stuff, writers workshops

rest in peace chunk-hi

September 18, 2016

So many memories.

We brought him home in 2009, a wobbly, golden-fleece baby with the biggest, blackest eyes you have ever seen. His square nose was wet and leathery even then, his shiny hooves narrow and tentative. We fed him enormous bottles of warm formula twice a day for more than ten months and touched and cuddled him constantly. He needed very little time adjusting to the farm and quickly learned that we meant only love and treats, never harm. Barely bigger than a large dog, he ran to us, circled our legs, jabbed his woolly head toward our ribs for extra milk, and welcomed vigorous face scratching and long-distance French kissing. (Have you never tongue-kissed a buffalo? Don’t knock it till you’ve tried it.)

chunk-baby-trailer

He loved graham crackers the most, then vanilla wafers, and of course slightly stale Chips-ahoy cookies. He loved to run and play with the other four-leggeds and probably thought he was a horse. 

In fact we often had him in the same pasture as Daphne, our black mare, and he sought after her maternal affection daily. She granted it when she thought no one was watching. You might remember his stunning display of love and mourning for her the day she was dying.

Chunk chased away mean spirited geese. He nibbled acorns from the trees. He swam in the red dirt pond and carved wallows in the sandy front field. He was gracious to every single farm visitor and never once broke out to roam the neighborhood. He was sweet to our rambunctious puppy despite having been attacked by our older dogs years ago.

Once my husband painted Chunk’s horns, and I will never forget that. The striped adornment lasted a couple of weeks, making him possibly the most festive buffalo ever in history.

buff painted horns

 

If ever we provided this big boy a large bale of hay and sat it down in the wrong direction, he took great pleasure in unrolling it, just like a giant cinnamon roll, diagonally across his field. Then he would lay in the thin exposed layer and just kind of spread the hay all around himself, like a huge buffalo nest. He would chew some cud and look at us like, “What are you gonna do about it?” 

Nothing, baby. You enjoy.

In recent years, at sunrise it was crucial to feed him first, before the chickens and noisy geese, certainly before the horses and llamas (both his friends and competition), because as soon as Chunk noticed signs of life from the house he started ramming that wide forehead against the metal cattle gate, not really trying to get out, just letting us know that breakfast was a fantastic idea.

He once got inside the house; have you heard that story? He was a youngster. He trotted right through the open front door, slipped all over the wood floors, ice skating on those pointed split hooves, then made quite a spectacle of himself getting collected back out through the same door.

chunk tiny horns with me

He has never ridden in a topless car like in that famous video, but he has done his share of damage to pickup trucks.

And four-wheelers.

And buckets.

And wheel barrows.

And lawn furniture. (My gosh that was quite an afternoon.)

And barn doors.

But he never once hurt a person.

His name is a purposeful distortion of what we had originally named him, Chunk-shi,  which is Lakota for daughter. We had thought we were adopting a little girl, and by the time we realized the mistake the name had stuck really well. So we easily dropped a consonant and anyway everyone just called him Chunk.

chunk dusty ibaka caption

During basketball season we yelled in our best NBA announcer voices, “CHUNK HIII FOOOOR THRRRREEEEEEE!!!!” Not for nothing that the OKC Thunder mascot is Rumble the bison.

Beautiful Boy

Every winter he built up a massive coat of thick, wiry hair around his shoulders, a mane of epic proportions which he shook wildly when it snowed. He clothed himself in the thickest, most beautiful coat of velvet, impenetrable and tightly woven against his beefy midsection. His legs boasted giant pom poms of buffalo fluff that always made me think of Native American dancers and New Orleans parades.

chunk-boys-ice

In the coldest weeks of winter when the water troughs froze overnight, he helped break the ice with his horns and skull. I clearly remember the first time I saw him do it. I had carried a sledgehammer outside, planning to drop it vertically from a small distance, smack onto the surface of the ice to bust it apart and reveal the cold water, but he beat me to the task. He raised up that massive, gorgeous head, twisted it sideways, and smashed it with impressive force just twice until ice blocks flew and frigid water splashed, beading on his face and eyelashes. I swear he looked me right in the eyes and said, “I got this Mom.” From then on we heard him smashing ice regularly, like he was happy to take on that farm chore. Or maybe it was just for fun. His equine companions were only too happy to enjoy the fruits of his labor.

For every winter that Chunk grew that spectacular coat, he had a summer for shedding. He would scrub his body against every tree that still had bark. He allowed us to gently drag a plastic garden rake against his back and belly. He would stand still to see if you could get a grip on that velvet and pull hard enough. That coat was remarkably devoted to staying attached to his body until the temperatures outside were just hot enough. Then we knew summer had finally arrived because suddenly he was nekkid and the farm was a snow globe of buffalo fluff.

crazy eyes chunk april 2014

Echoes of Chunk-hi

After he left the farm this past February to live on a gorgeous, 300-acre ranch with his new ranching family, I continued to hear his voice. He had a deep, bellowy voice, a snorting baritone that sounded a lot like howling wind and also like Tibetan meditation bowls. Otherworldly sometimes. For weeks I heard him every morning when I fed the other animals, and a few times I also thought I saw him in a sand wallow, peeking around an oak tree. He was big, huge even by bison standards, but he had a talent for winding himself up small like a baby and tucking into the shadows, just chewing his cud.

We miss him so much. We have missed him every day of every week since he left the Lazy W, and we have been deeply conflicted about the decision to find him a new home. But our reasons were sound, and the family who took him on are wonderful ranchers, smart and loving.

Chunk was given the opportunity to roam almost free, just like a wild buff, and he also had a girlfriend named Molly. After a period of acclimation, they enjoyed a long honeymoon toward the close of summer, and for this we are so grateful. 

Horrible News

One day recently his new caretakers discovered Chunk badly injured, his back broken, probably from a fight with another bull or from vigorous love making with Molly. We were shocked and heartbroken by the news but held onto hope that he might heal or that their vet might find a solution.

Unfortunately, with medical attention and prayerful observation, his caretakers made the decision to take away his suffering, so as I share this Chunk is no longer with us.

Days later, reading those words is a fresh stabbing pain. I still cannot believe it. We had thought he might leave the W to live out his years on the Oklahoma prairie, maybe start a herd of his own which is what we envisioned back in 2009 when we first brought him here.

Our shock and heartbreak now are not all that much different from the excruciating decision to first say goodbye, and of course, in that awful bittersweet way, we feel some relief that he is no longer in pain. Because surely a broken back would have been so very painful. 

Perspective

Trying to boost my spirits recently, my husband laughed through his own tears and said, referring to the idea of Chunk breaking his back during lovemaking, “What a way to go!” Ha. I guess so.

After being rescued from a hunting lodge, Chunk spent more than seven years living a really full, healthy life. He touched the lives and hearts of dozens, maybe hundreds of children and adults, most of whom would never have otherwise experienced an American Bison up close and personal. He was part of our family and identity. An absolute fixture at the Lazy W, where he has been recently missed by people and animals alike. 

I doubt any bison has ever been so loved. 

Hope and Love

As always, of course, there is a glimmer of hope and a need for love outpoured.

The long summertime honeymoon Chunk enjoyed with Molly gives everyone the idea that she could bear his calf next spring. My hope is to stay connected to the ranchers there and share the good news with you guys if it happens. Chunk was such a beautiful boy, so sweet and good in every way. I know his baby will be special. 

Please send some loving energy to the folks who took on the burden of caring for Chunk in this chapter of life. They are in pain too, having had to make the decision no farmer or rancher wants to make. In just a few months they had bonded tightly with our big boy, which is no surprise to me. And of course, they are caring for Molly, who could bring Chunk’s herd into the world after all. 

Thank you for reading, friends. I know many of you who never met Chunk still feel the loss. (Thank you Suzanne for saying all the right things last week.) And if you ever visited the farm and kissed or fed Chunk-hi a cookie, thank you for that too. You helped give him a life brimming with love and affection. You made him love people and you enriched our home.

chunk-bw-eyes

Rest in peace Chunk-hi.

You are the prettiest one my baby.
XOXOXOXO

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Filed Under: animals, memoriesTagged: Chunk

the ways she makes us better

September 8, 2016

Today we celebrate twenty-one years of a certain girl making this world so much better. Let’s count some of the ways.

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blue hair don’t care

Because of her, we have more art. Really great art, in several mediums. She has for all her life churned out beautiful creations; and now as an adult she has a special knack for deep, artistic thinking. Anyone is lucky to stay up all night talking with her about life and the Universe. 

Because of her, there is more good sportsmanship floating around and lots of under dogs are being uplifted and defended. Sometimes this puts her in a painful situation, but she is true to her own heart and conscience, and the world is better for it.

She has a heart for saying heavy things and for sensing when people are holding difficult feelings close. Her appetite for truth and substance means that those close to her are challenged, nourished, and awakened. 

Over the years, dozens of horses young and old have felt her wide-eyed, little-girl love and affection. Dozens more since then have experienced her strength and skill in horsemanship, and we all know that this story will continue for decades. She applies this wisdom and understanding to nearly every part of her life, and it yields some incredible depth.

She has broken a few hearts already and spreads a veil of fun and romance everywhere she goes. At twenty-one this girl is beginning to sense her own feminine power and is finding her own strength in solitude. This will only intensify her future relationships, and it will only make her happier in the mean time. She is becoming more and more at home within herself, which makes everything she has to offer more special. 

International students who have crossed her path return to their home countries with stories and memories of a sweet, wild girl from Oklahoma who changed everything for them in Colorado.

She is an adamant music lover and appreciator of complex musical efforts. I believe one day the world will enjoy her artwork on really great, well chosen album covers. Until then, everyone’s playlists are more interesting.

This world is much richer for all the good, meaningful conversation she insists on having. With everyone. All kinds of people. She is not much one for surface scratching, and for this I am thankful. The world needs a little less small talk.

If our global cultures rely on cross-pollination, then she is a valuable pollinator. She attracts and processes new ways of living and is never afraid of trying new ethnic foods and customs. She wants to know how to say “I love you” in multiple languages and values travel and life experiences over material possessions. 

Her attention to detail means that the fresh water aquariums in her care are spotless, filled with life, happy, and beautiful.  Her fish love her so much they never let her sleep late, ha! And one extremely lucky little rescue dog knows more than anyone how much difference this young woman makes in the world.

Thanks to her, the mountains in Colorado have been lovingly hiked and admired for hundreds of extra hours. She is evangelizing their legends and stunning beauty to anyone who will listen. In the near future we believe she will be guiding fellow adventure-seekers on more hikes, adding to the already long list of people who will always remember her as the best camp counselor ever.

I could go on and on. This porcelain-skinned beauty is daily changing the world around her. Her twenty-first birthday will mark the beginning of even more life. I am wildly grateful to be close to her for this gorgeous chapter. And I am so proud of the influence she is having on everyone and everything she touches.

But of course, somehow I was lucky enough to be first. She changed my world forever, a little more than 21 years ago.

Happiest of birthday wishes to my beautiful baby girl,
my belly-kicking, giggle box, doe-eyed treasure, all grown up.
I love you more than I can ever write!
XOXOXOXO
~Mamasita

 

 

 

 

7 Comments
Filed Under: birthdays, joc, memories

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Hi! I'm Marie. Welcome to the Lazy W. xoxo

Hi! I’m Marie. This is the Lazy W.

A hobby farming, book reading, coffee drinking, romance having, miles running girl in Oklahoma. Soaking up the particular beauty of every day. Blogging on the side. Welcome to the Lazy W!

I Believe Strongly in the Power of Gratitude & Joy Seeking

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