Lazy W Marie

Carpeing all the diems in semi-rural Oklahoma...xoxo

an army of love & we will survive

A quick word of encouragement before we all pursue our own strange and unusual Pandemic style New year’s Eve celebrations.

This week on the treadmill I rewatched Searching For Bobby Fischer, and a scene near the end of the movie reminded me of something Jessica said this summer.

The scene was when the little boy was nearing this climactic championship chess game and nervousness had overtaken him. He was no longer playing for the love of the game (a whole other excellent topic), and he was terrified of losing to the new prodigy on the block, a very real possibility. Slowly, the camera showed us that not only had his Mom and Dad found their common ground and rallied to support him together; but also his speed chess friend from Central Park (presumably a bad iunfluence) and his more disciplined, traditional teacher (highly competitive and previously sworn off of attending touranemnts) had come together. All of them were there cheering for him, supporting him, hanging on every move, and fascinated by his magic. But the best part was that they all clearly, finally, loved him regardless of both the outcome and his methods; and all of their personalities assembled and combined to become this formidable wall of Love.

An Army of Love, is what Jessica called it back in June.

Two or three days after her Dad died, observing the constant and drenching tidal wave of support she and Jocelyn were receiving from loved ones from whom they had previously been alienated for so many long years, she said that she suddenly saw everyone as an Army of Love surrounding her and her sister. I soaked that up and told her gently that we have always been here, all along.

I believe firmly that we are, each of us, buffered and strengthened by an Army of Love; maybe we just need to look around and see it. I believe in supernatural forces that protect us, inspire us, make us better. We can survive anything. We can draw on the various strengths and gifts of the Army of Love dedicated to our well being. We can also live in ways that make us worthy of being in someone else’s Army of Love, for their survival and well being. We are made for community, and we all thrive in it.

Okay, that’s it for today. Thank you from deep in my heart for reading here all year long, friends. Thank you for sharing your stories and listening to mine, for being such strong, shimmering conduits for Love. I wish you all the very best of the coming new year. You will survive anything.

“Infect em with love”
XOXOXO

23 blessings on Jessica’s 23rd birthday

Jessica Michelle… on your twenty-third birthday, I send you all possible wishes for deep, abiding joy, for a long dose of something similar to the joy you take with you everywhere you go. I wish you the best life has to offer, now and always. Here are some specific blessings I am asking for, prayers I am saying over your beautiful life:

  1. May you always have enough water tanks and terrariums to shelter all the orphaned turtles that cross your path. And may Bean never get nipped on his perfect snoot.
  2. May you always find time to cook good food, slowly, sensually, applying your great talents and affections to meals meant for people you love. May you also cultivate the joy of cooking for yourself.
  3. I hope that you soon replace the houseplants that were recently upended and devoured by your neighbor’s pigs, two amazing animals who you loved instantly.
  4. I am confident that your path is already anointed, that you will find your way through college and medical school and beyond, that your dreams and purposes are fulfilled in ways that are unique to you. Remember we are here to help you.
  5. How wonderful that you are well on your way to being truly bilingual with Spanish! May you contunue finding joy in that pursuit then learn every single language that sparks your imagination and your cultural appetite.
  6. I wish you a well used passport in life, the moment covid-19 releases us all. I wish you one fine adventure after another, to all corners of the globe, both with friends and loved ones and alone. Both kinds of travel are important.
  7. I am praying for deeper healing than you have ever experience in your life, and you have experienced plenty already. I am praying for a dazzling, transcendant expeience.
  8. May all the things you crave, all the things you cannot stop daydreaming about, take shape right before your eyes. May the best versions of every desire manifest for you.
  9. I also hope and pray for you to know unexpected joys! Surprises that you could never imagine. Those are thrilling, and you deserve them.
  10. You are the kind of woman everyone wants as a friend. May you find the kind of friends you want, too, lots of them, of various depths and flavors and walks of life. Friendships of every duration, for each season. May you cultivate exactly the kind of village that your soul needs. May you always feel safe and like you belong. Because you are. And you do.
  11. Please let Bean come swimming again before summer ends. I am expecting that to happen. We miss him. (Oh we miss you too, you can come.)
  12. I pray that you discover the harmony between building your self sufficiency as a woman and living in healthy relationships, in community, with other people, because they are both crucial. The world needs well nourished, happy women, and the world needs tightly knitted communities.
  13. I pray that you know your worth, that you have a deep and unshakable sense of identity that noone (including me) can touch.
  14. You have such a green thumb! May your life always have space to grow things.
  15. May you and Jocelyn make time for each other this year, more than ever before. I pray for your sisterly bond to be galvanized so you can mourn your Dad together, however you need to, and so you can build new memories and share your adulthood as much as possible.
  16. May you continue to see with your wide open heart how loved you are by our big, unweildy family, how loved you have always been. How much a part of us you are, and always will be.
  17. May you learn to appreciate movies with subtitles but sitck to your guns about avoiding heat styling tools for your gorgeous mane of hair.
  18. I hope that on days you feel particularly drained or stressed or just plain grief stricken, you are surrounded by peace and affection. I hope that you get the quiet time you need, regularly, as well as the activity you need. You are such a good, intuitive caretaker; I hope and pray that you always receive the caretaking you need, too. Remember I am always here.
  19. Sprinkles! Fruit! Salads! Ice cream and shortbread cookies! Eggplant Parmesean! Homemade marinara sauce! Chicken noodle soup! Pot pies! Really good, authentic street tacos, pasole! May you always fill your belly with your favorite foods. It is one of life’s best pleasures.
  20. I hope you accept exactly the perfect amount of overtime at the hospital, no more than you need or can do in a healthy way, and just enough to enjoy your earnings.
  21. Keep painting and drawing. Keep creating. Write when it strikes you. Express every shade and nuance of your soul. I pray that you never put your pens or paintbrushes down for very long. It will keep your blood flowing.
  22. Stick with hope. Stick with forgiveness and peace and Love. These are choices only the strongest women can make, over and over again. I pray that in the deepest parts of your being, you find rest and trust in the overall goodness of life.
  23. May you always know God’s voice, the sounds that He makes just for you and you alone.
Jessica & Chole assembling egg rolls, Dante in the background.
My baby, also picking me some wildflowers, also Mother’s Day 2007.
sunflowers on Jessica’s 20th birthday

I love you more than words can say. Happy birthday my beautiful baby girl, now truly a woman. I am so delighted watching you live your life. My heart breaks for you in your giref, and it soars with you in your joy. Life is all of this and much more, every detail in between. It is all worth living to the fullest.

Just Keep Swimming
XOXOXOXO

a restful, healing week

“It is the soul’s duty to be loyal to its own desires. It must abandon itself to its master passion.” -Rebecca West

This past week was the first time in many years, outside of a few occassions of convalescence, that we have enjoyed so much quiet, uninterrupted time with Jessica. (Although my husband might passionately argue that very much of our time was quiet, ha!)

It was luscious in every way. She and Bean went home today, and the farm is so quiet. We already miss them very much.

Image may contain: Jessica Hartley

Of our many exceptionally deep and fascinating conversations, one that has been echoing in my heart was about how humans are designed to crave beauty, how it is a natural appetite and a healthy inclination. We measured it against passion-gifts, too, like art and science, cooking and gardening and nesting, against caring for ourselves as women, and travel and the craving to explore this big world, and much more. We agreed that a hunger for beauty and a drive to pursue our unique passions can lead us down the best paths, if we watch our motivations.

My daily devotional entry from July 20th says, “Seek my face and you will find all that you have longed for. The deepest yearnings of your heart are for intimacy with me. Do not be afraid to be different from other people. The path I have called you to travel is exquisitely right for you.” (Jesus Calling)

This past week I was able to see the farm, and our home, through Jessica’s eyes a bit more deeply. A bare bones routine became soothing, not boring. I watched her slowly unwind and shed a landslide of stress from her body and spirit. She soaked up every day, morning till night, and every meal and activity we laid hold of, with a joyful kind of mindfulness that really inspired me. She allowed beauty and pleasure to overtake her, and more than ever she reflected and magnified all kinds of beauty, just by being herself, natural and free and untethered for a while. It was like watching overstressed plant rehydrate, turn emerald green, and bloom before your eyes.

Her health and happiness, and Jocelyn’s, is everything to us. This well timed investment of time and rest was so wise on Jess’ part, and I know that she was engaged enough in the retreat process to retain the feelings, to translate the efforts to her daily life and normal routine, in ways that only she can do.

I would like to chat more extensively about the pursuit of beauty in life, in the world at large. About how the deepest purpose in our various callings, is maybe to reflect Love? Soon, I hope. I am sleepy now and can feel my thoughts unraveling a bit. Thank you, friends, for the love you send our girls.

XOXOXOXO

impermanence

Yesterday afternoon, Handsome walked into the Apartment where Jess and I had parked to do some serious conversating. He announced playfully that between the dogs roughhousing and panting like monsters and the women talking nonstop, the temperature inside the house had risen five degrees. Ha! It might actually have been true. Once again, #sorrynotsorry

On Day 2 of Jess’ Farm Retreat, we swam, made frozen treats for the chickens, chased the dogs tirelessly, made Bean swim in a tiny inflatable pool donut, fed extra soft grass to the horses, discussed legiterally everything, made sprinkle sugar cookies via Joy the Baker, made homemade pizza from scratch, and watched a movie at the end of it all. Somewhere in there Jess managed a good old fashioned summertime afternoon nap, much needed and hard earned.

We had planned an art project like painting or scarecrow constructing, perhaps macrame, but got pleasantly sidetracked making the chickens’ frozen scraps treats. This is when the topic of impermanence arose. It was such a careful, loving task, walking around the farm collecting colorful flowers, herbs, and bits of fruits and vegies, then cleaning out the kitchen for more. We chopped everything and Jessica arranged it beautifully inside a bundt cake pan before filling the pan with water to freeze. All of this preparation for a treat that will freeze overnight and be toyed with, melted, and consumed tomorrow morning. A brief pleasure, an impermanent gift. But still joyful. We talked about the monks who work so hard on their intricate chalk mandalas, only to sweep them away once finished.

Have you seen Onward yet? Oh gosh. The three of us (five of us if you count the dogs which you definitely should) watched it tonight with our homemade pizzas and sprinkle cookies. It is not just cute and funny, it is also one of the most inclusive, soothing, loving Pixar films so far, with many beautiful messages. We all really loved it, and I actually felt a warm touch of grace for having seen it exactly on this night, exactly in this life chapter, exactly after a series of heavy conversations Jess and I have had this week.

I am not certain what tomorrow holds for us, both in the broader life sense as well as in the what will be doing on Friday sense, ha! But I know what our prayers are. I know what our values are. I know what binds us together and what fuels our work and our play. I know that Love is worth every bit of our trust and that magic is real.

Sweet sleep, friends! Thanks for checking in!

XOXOXOXO

jessica michelle

You were here with me again. Did you know?

Somewhere between Monday and Tuesday, in the sueded navy blue deep, you illuminated everything.

You were all at once young and vulnerable and old and wise, but this time you were no longer gritting against pain.

Instead, you were pulsing joy and radiating love with the most gentle pink and gold peace. Your aura had a fragrance better than any perfume.

We chatted and giggled and I touched your velvet skin and you played with my hair and asked me about my herb garden.

I asked you about your writing and are you in love? Your twinkling brown eyes said that you want to be.

One minute we were on your grade school playground, noisy and happy, the next floating on a muddy lake, blue sky above us, quiet and calm.

A new face emerged around the corner and wondered who I was, then she knew and turned away. Running. Not afraid, just… ashamed. You smiled at me and wrapped your arms around my middle, squeezing tight. I held you still and inhaled sunshine from the top of your head.

There’s a change happening isn’t there? I feel it. I feel you. And this opens such a floodgate.

I have been smiling through my pain, too.

But while you were here, glowing in the dark, neither of us had to.

Because nothing is stronger than love.

jess sweet 16

I’m linking up this week with Kat Bouska, grateful for her invitation to write in twelve lines.
I took some liberty, but she is very forgiving.
And without the safety of restraint I might not have even tried to share this.
XOXOXOXO