Lazy W Marie

Carpeing all the diems in semi-rural Oklahoma...xoxo

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I am he as you are he as you are me and we are all together…

Did the title of this blog post make you sing I Am the Walrus? Good. Good, good, very good. I love that about you.

Dulcie is annoyed at no longer being the darling of the farm. Seraphine is fussing with Romulus, who is easily cowed down by her. Meh is bright and chipper, oblivious to the conflict.

Let’s talk about loneliness and connectivity.

My Mom asked me recently how I got so good at being alone. It’s a new problem for many people, this coping with the discomforts of extreme, open-ended social distance, and I could feel the weight of her question.

My first response, internally, was to begin outlining the thinking habits and reframing disciplines I have learned over the years, all the tricks and time management strategies that have helped me feel more productive, more fulfilled, less alone in the short term .

Blah blah blah

But as I brainstormed my overly long answer to her really sweet and important question, it slowly dawned on me that the answer to how do I get better at being alone is nothing close to how do I further insulate myself so that I feel less alone (because that’s all most such efforts are, at the end of the day, fillers and illusions). Rather, I think, the answer is to realize that we are not that alone after all.

I’m about to tell my sweet mom this, and though she isn’t much older than me, she is is still my elder and she is certainly wiser. I expect her to smile and say thank you sweetie, but maybe inside she will cringe, thinking her firstborn has completely discounted how alone so many people are feeling right now.

So let me share this much first: I have felt alone too, many times, often for long stretches of time, never knowing when some terrifying storms would end. I have felt alone in my unique schedule, way back when I was stay-at-home-hobby-farmer-mom alienated from her young daughters, especially back before we had Klaus and when my husband traveled a lot. I have felt alone in the midst of private, complex grief scenarios and in weird life circumstances and in hobbies and failed career efforts and religion quandries and all kinds of stuff.

I am not alone in feeling alone, and neither are you.

Without a doubt, pandemic has ushered in a whole new level of loneliness for many of us, even if we are mostly healthy, but especially if we are struggling with the virus (or fear of it) or depression or limited finances, or social conflict, or other very real stressors. Because loneliness is not just a question of proximity to other warm bodies; it’s about connection.

Even introverts, who recharge with regular bouts of solitude, still need to see and connect with people occassionally.

My assertion that we are not as alone as we think is more than a hopeful platitude. Connections are everywhere, we just have to see them. Following are a few links to things that have helped me so much. I hope some of it helps you too!

ONE… Read these two books:
The Book of Joy is full to bursting with not just encouragement, but well defined explanations for human behavior and lots of luscious mind exercises and meditations for everyone, regardless of your religion. Archbiship Tutu’s anecdotes about UBUNTU were life changing for me. Me= We. I am a person through other people. Everybody, Always by Bob Goff is a shorter, softer read but just as nourishing, a beautiful reminder of the many ways we can stay connected to people through Love.

TWO… Listen to this podcast:
The Anthropocene Review, an episode that aired on May 25 of this year, titled You’ll Never Walk Alone. Jessica’s boyfriend Alex recommended this to me several months ago, and while I have listened to and enjoyed other episodes by this production, for some reason I let this particular episode sit in my downloads, unplayed, until today. It turned out to be the perfect moment to receive the beautiful, intricate message. If you can give 15 or 20 minutes to one podcast soon, make it this one. We are not alone. Not in the world, not in our failures and short lives, not even in grief, no matter how it feels from time to time. We can keep walking, no matter the cirumstances.

THREE… Watch this Netflix special (just the first episode):
I started this docuseries on the treadmill a few days ago and was hooked. The first episode about Doc Rivers, NBA coach, had me wishing I was seated with a notebook handy, it was so filled with good stuff. He shared a pivotal moment in his coaching years with the Boston Celtics, when a stranger introduced him to the concept of UBUNTU (same as above, with Archbiuship Tutu). She told him to research it for himself, to learn it, and he did. He said that she was right, that it’s not a word but a way of life, and it transformed his basketball team. 35 minutes, friends. Give yourself this gift.

also a family ohoto, before llamas, circa olan mills era

If you are feeling lonely or disconnected, please reach out to people. Please find ways to remind yourself that you are woven into the fabic of community, and you can feel safe recognizing and opening up to a variety of connections. They don’t have to be perfect relationships to be deeply, beautifully nourishing. In fact, the weirder the connections, maybe, the better?

Ha. I don’t know.

But I do know that we are designed, programmed, and forever meant to be in flow with others, not alone, not independent. We affect each other whether we like it or not. We feed and are fed by others. We are bouyed and cushioned and lifted up and then caught, safe and sound, by actual people and their human efforts. You are a person who is needed by some other person, by many people in fact. And your needs will be met in large part by other people just like you, probably even people who don’t realize they are meant to help you. Back and forth, inward and outward, forever and ever.

Connectivity.

Okay. I am closing for today. Much to say soon about those aforementioned thinking habits and disciplines, ha!

I love you Mom.
Coo Coo Ca Choo
XOXOXOXO

turkey palooza love letter to my family

In our family, every person counts. We are a big, rambunctious crowd, and while from the outside it may seem that anyone could get lost in us, we always feel the absence of any one member.

In our family, we tease each other mercilessly, sometimes bordering on meanness, but we love each other fiercely and will defend each other to outsiders with everything we have. Sincere efforts are appreciated, too, and applauded. We love doing things for and with each other.

In our family, we value fun and silliness. Greatly. We laugh loudly and a lot. And at everything. Over and over and over again. We play games chance we get.

In our family, kids are precious. And the adults are also kids.

In our family we weep with each other. And although we no longer attend church together, we all feel and benefit from each other’s prayers.

We all crave deeper and continuing connection with each other. We are gently competitive, but we mostly help each other. Everyone contributes. Even the Whos in Whoville have nothing on our family’s sense of teamwork. You know what we should do? Go on Family Feud or maybe The Greatest Race or something.

For us, there is no such thing as a black sheep, because we all take turns being the odd man out, ha. At some time, each of us has wandered from the fold, and we always come back. This gives us hope for our babes who are hurting. We have learned that each of us has an ongoing need for grace and mercy. We all have said and done things to hurt each other, we all have been forgiven, we all want everybody else to stay close immediately and from now on, ok? There are no outsiders in our family. We are all of us, together, even when we are far flung. Every person is worth waiting for.  

(Come home, Joc. We miss you. We need you. We are here for anything you need.)

We love each other. We love each other’s babies and puppies. We feel at home in each other’s homes. It feels like childhood after a few hours or especially a few days together in a shared, confined space.

In our family, we eat really well. We are, I like to think, health conscious hedonists. Giving us home cooked food with whole milk and eating dinner at the table for 90% of our meals, Mom and Dad raised lots of very enthusiastic cooks! This Thanksgiving, two of their adult grandchildren some cooking for the feast, and we were so proud.

We care about beauty and lushness, but we are not too fancy.

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We value lots of traditions, if they serve our communal joy, and we won’t be shamed out of it. We don’t mind test driving new traditions either! The Saran Wrap game is only a few years old for us, but it’s not going anywhere. We also love to share memories and figure out which details we retain differently. (If you think we didn’t have a pet ferret, though, you’re wrong.)

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In our family we work hard and expect accountability. For example, when a projects falls flat, Dad might say, “What did you think would happen when you did that?” And this question doesn’t sting; it only points us back to the process.

We nap hard. We dance, draw,  create, play music, imagine, climb trees, study, clean, and work. Hard. Really hard. All of it.

Our family takes lots and lots of photos! Of everything. We do this because we are amazed by how quickly time passes. We want some documentation of all this life happening. But we also hate for our own photos to be posted to Face book without permission. Ask Genny about having cheeks full of banana at the 5K.

For our family, the two people who started everything as bright eyed, glossy faced teenagers are now our matriarch and patriarch, and for all of our juvenile complaining and petulance in the past, now… none of us know what we would do without them.

In our family we celebrate each other’s successes. We ask a lot about the future, and we love talking to each other about our plans, whatever they may be, big or small. We encourage each other. We have learned to not dwell too long in the past, except to celebrate it and hopefully laugh. We have learned that every single one of us needs some forward momentum. Some encouragement and a push here and there. Also some grace and compassion, all of which we happily provide for each other.

In our family, it’s a lot. It’s a lot of a lot, with no signs of it ever not being a lot. But we love it. Our two sweet members who married into all of this A-Lot-Ness  probably feel it the most. BW and Halee are often a bit wide-eyed by the end of a good reunion, but we trust that they too value the whirling dervish that is our family.

We all need a nap now. And a bit of quiet, maybe some Febreeze for the house and a few raw veggies for our bellies. But truly we just love the happy chaos so much. We love the intense texture and noise and wild flavor of us all together, because as messy as it is, as overwhelming as it can be, as much as the togetherness may stretch each other’s boundaries, this is where each of us originated.  This is the very real and powerful nucleus of Love and Intention and Effort from which all five of us sprouted and grew. How wonderful that we all have grown in such different directions and still “come home” to celebrate so often.

Come home. Touch base. Home base.

“Safe!”
(unless you are playing Wago)
XOXOXOXO