thinky stuff

choosing some unreasonable hope

September 26, 2021

At Lowe’s this weekend, I wheeled my cart full of rescue plants from the clearance rack in the garden center to seek out more rescues in the houseplant department. An elderly gentleman approached me, indicated my bedraggled looking bounty, and asked with too much skepticism in his soft corduroy voice, “You think those are gonna snap back?”

I was used to my Grandpa being playful and teasing and having fun, so I thrust one skinny arm into the air, gestured affectionately at the plants with my other arm, and replied with too much excitement in my own voice “Yes, I choose to believe!!”

“You think you’re just gonna water ’em and they’ll be ok?”

At this point I blacked out, spiraling into a messy explanation of all the things I might do to revive them, like trimming and soaking and shading and super-thriving, and yes of course watering and singing them Norwegian Wood, trying hard to conceal from someone else’s grandpa my growing dread.

He blinked at me, furrowed his brow and dipped his chin low, then walked away. Did not even say goodbye. Clearly I had misread his tone. So I tried to reconnect with this stranger by calling vaguely toward the back of his sloped shoulders, “They’ll snap back right?” He swiveled his head in an elliptical shape that could have been either an affirming nod or a dismissive shake, I wasn’t sure.

I looked down at my mostly dead growing projects, thought of all the brassica plants already suffering at the farm thanks to selfish, unrepentant chickens, and wondered why I hate myself so much.

On the bright side, we have lots of mulch, and mulch covers a multitude of garden sins.

The End.

“There is no medicine like hope,
no incentive so great, and no tonic so powerful
as expectation of something better tomorrow.”
-Orison Sweet Marden

cashews, watermelon, & ancient stoic wisdom

May 19, 2020

Do you ever wake up and think, Man from now on I will live off of cashews and watermelon. Just send me outside, that’s all I need.

Summer is taking hold here now, and I have these moments often. My heart opens generously, my mind is pliable and calm and trembling with ideas, all at once, and my body’s needs simplify.

Sometimes the chickens eat breakfast out of watermelon rinds.

Cashews, watermelon, and limitless hours of sunshine. Okay, maybe also some lake running and trail hiking, a few excellent mugs of dark coffee, a big clean swimming pool, and thin cotton pajamas for wearing after a very good, scrubby shower, which you take only after a long day of gardening and running. Maybe a stack of books and journals. Oh! Also friends and family for bonfire conversation and the new Top Gun movie with greasy popcorn and sticky red Twizzlers.

And suddenly I am Steve Martin’s character Navin Johnson from The Jerk who leaves with just this ashtray, that’s all he needs! I feel so sad every time I think of him lugging around his miscellaneous treasures, dog nipping and barking, but really wasn’t it wasteful to have a disco room in his mansion? And I am very thankful for our modern consumer protections which will hopefully keep us all from going cross eyed from wearing new inventions like his.

I digress.

Wait, also, in addition to Top Gun, what other movies were you excited to see this summer, that are being released late thanks to the pandemic?

There is something else I want to talk to you about. I came across it while soaking up some ancient stoics’ teachings, and I think it is so useful anytime, but especially now: “Amor Fati,” translated from Latin as “a love of fate.” This is, “the state in which one is in friendly acceptance of fate… the consummate achievement of human life, and the only path to happiness.”

How does this strike you? Let me expound just a tad, then answer again, in case at first blush it feels too much like, “bloom where you are planted,” which I know has some negative vibes surrounding it, as if we are resigning to something we don’t choose for ourselves. Okay:

Marcus Aurelius is one of the stoics credited for loving the concept of Amor Fati. He had a perspective that demanded we use all of our circumstances, the good and the bad, the ugly and unexpected, as kindling for our inner fire. A podcast on this topic offered that analogy. On Daily Stoic, I heard the host say, “Everything you throw in front of a fire becomes fuel for the fire. A person who is hungry, who can make use of everything that happens to them, that’s the person who gets better and better.”

Another echo I am hearing for Amor Fait is the ever so soothing encouragement, “Smile at the thought.” I first heard this through a running blogger’s mom, who told her daughter to deal with anxieties by literally, physically with her face, smiling every time a negative situation presented itself in her mind. Over time it rewires your thoughts and emotions to connect with that problem in a more positive way. This is a great tactic, and I use it often, though I will admit that at first it feels a bit maniacal, ha. Stick with it.

None of these are exercises in resignation or abandonment of our own drives and ambitions. I am so not into promoting self-flagellation. To me, it’s feels like the exact opposite. Amor Fati feels like taking control of our attitude, intentions, and energies and using every circumstance in life to our advantage, accepting as gifts all that what we are given and putting those gifts to work. It feels like an invitation to make something beautiful out of what might be seen as scraps and obstacles, throwaways and even dead stops.

The obstacle is the way.

Friendly acceptance, not begrudging compliance. This tweak provides such a lift!

Starting over, employing our ingenuity and tenacity, building and rebuilding as often as necessary to design ever more beautiful mosaics from shattered pieces rather than forever mourning the broken plates. This is a transformative approach to the inevitable problems and disappointments in life. Nothing is wasted. We redeem everything, especially time. Waiting for something becomes an invitation to learn or practice something else.

With this approach, the possibilities for growth and improvement are limitless. We are limitless.

I hope that when we are met with roadblocks and disappointments, we cope with them more gracefully than Navin Johnson did. I also hope that we have plenty of cashews and watermelon, if it happens in summertime. It’s the small comforts, after all.

“The obstacle is the way.”
XOXOXOXO

less and more in these exciting times

March 20, 2020

March 20, 2020: Worldwide and local realities of the Corona virus pandemic, some thoughts on how we can thrive more fully, in a less-and-more format:

Less scrolling our internet news feeds, more phone calls with loved ones. More paying attention to good sources of information.

Less thinking of people on the news as strangers, more realizing they are all our sisters and brothers.

Less thinking that all of this is someone else’s problem, more believing that as a group we can thrive. More placing value on what every single person contributes to society. Less demonizing any segment of the workforce, including white collars and government officials, ok? More appreciating all the layers of cooperation we need and enjoy.

Less complaining about government leadership, more supporting the things going well, more affirming the hard work being done, more praying for the human beings in charge, who have never navigated this before.

Less feeling lost in our homes not knowing what to do with this time and these new tasks (laptop work from home, schooling restless kids, etc) and less wandering around, more sinking in and nesting together. More making silly memories, more making all kinds of memories that will last a lifetime. This will hopefully be a once in a lifetime event, and none of us will forget how we dealt with Corona virus 2020. Make your future self proud, haha!

Less outsourcing your daily decisions, more tapping into your personal wisdom.

Less newsy, opinionated podcasts in the background, more music.

Less stress snacking, more sunshine walks and stretching.

Less busywork, more meaningful progress on big projects. Also more disinfecting, ha!

Less worrying and talking about each other’s complaints and woes, more praying about actual challenges. More praying for specific people. More praying for specific situations and needs.

Less food waste and hedonism, more appreciation for good nourishment and more sharing with others.

Less slouching, more dancing and yoga!

Less dwelling on plans thwarted, on goals delayed, on what fun we could be having out and about, more living in the moment and more trusting that this weird time is a gift to be enjoyed, maximized, savored. There are untold hidden treasures in this mess.

Less “What if… (bad stuff)” and much more “What if… (good stuff)!”

Less droopy outlook, more JOYFULNESS and inner aliveness!

Less focus on the negatives of social distancing and more focus on human connections.

Less takeout, more homemade comfort food and maybe more growing our own food.

Less driving, more staying put.

Less marathon training, more being healthy and having fun with health and fitness and not being sad about the marathon and also looking forward to starting fresh soon. On that note? Less group runs, more treadmill miles and more weights. It’s fine. It’s fine! Also, runners, listen to the podcast below if you need a morale booster about your race being cancelled. Good wisdom here.

Less planning out the details of every week coming soon, more living within the bounds of this exact day, because we really have no idea what is coming next.

Less control, more implicit trust, more surrender.

Less complaining, more actively giving thanks. Thanks to God, to our spouses and children and parents, to our neighbors and friends and workers and leaders. Thanks to everyone for everything we can manage to notice, because it matters.

Less stress, more peace. Good, deep peace, the kind that helps you breathe well. Invite that feeling, embrace it. Protect it. Allow others to have their own.

Less excessive junk food, more small hobbies that keep our hands occupied while watching movies because let’s be honest we are gonna be doing that.

Less fear, more confidence.

Less seriousness, more playfulness.

Less number crunching, more hand washing.

Less disregard for each other, more flattening the curve.

Less seeing how much we can get away with, more being proactive about our social responsibilities.

Less scarcity, more abundance. Abundance in all things. An attitude of abundance, in our thoughts and supplies and capabilities. More attitude of abundance in our relationships and our world.

Less fear, more Love. That’s really it.

What would you add to this list, friends? And how are you and your people doing? What a weird time. What a bizarre and beautiful gift this is, really. I hope you are finding the diamonds and gooey centers in your days. Stay in touch, take care!!

XOXOXOXO
~Marie

monday, jack handey style

December 9, 2019

Today was as Mondayish as Mondays get around here. I procrastinated and then wrecked my treadmill workout and barely got four miles to register on my Garmin. My good intentions for a shampoo and manicure never came to fruition. Also, a possum was in the chicken feed bin and we terrified each other and screamed right at each others’ haggard faces. I did get almost all of my work list accomplished, though, including every speck of sweeping, laundry and ironing, and so far am keeping healthy despite some mean germs floating around. Tonight I am going to indulge in a brain-purge and call it good. Onward to Tuesday!

Song lyrics by Dido: “No love without freedom, no freedom without love.”

On a recent episode of The Daring Romantics podcast, Lindsey Eryn offers encouragement to finish the calendar year strong, to keep up your good momentum. She suggested, among other actionable things, that we spend three hours per week on “future” projects, on goals that propel us forward. This feels so familiar and good. Back in my mutual funds selling days, we had marketing that used actual galvanized buckets as visual aids to illustrate short term, middle term, and long term financial planning: “Cash-Income-Growth. ” Time is as valuable as money. How we spend it could be divided into “work for this day,” or cash, “work for tomorrow and short term progress” or income, and “work for the future,” or long term growth goals. Love it.

Bob Goff reminds us:

“God never promised we’d have all the answers. What He offers to us is a box of crayons and the opportunity to let love draw bigger circles around the people we meet than they thought were possible.”

Joy is a super power. It truly is. Joy overcomes, transcends, illuminates, and emulsifies so many other efforts. It is the whole point, as someone else once said.

A local blogging friend of mine shared with me that she has been blogging less because she and her husband have been happily burdened with other projects. They are discovering fulfillment in other efforts, in family and a brand new ministry projects, and they love it. She described it as being “pulled by things eternal,” and being at peace with retreating from some of the more public activities. I love this.

One day last month I noticed an online blurb about it being “Fibonacci Spiral Day.” Of all the frivolous special days on the imaginary world calendar, this one made me happy. Jocelyn was the first person in my life to get really excited about it. She used to love talking about it on our hikes in Colorado, just the two of us, memories I will forever treasure. Since then I have noticed it in so many areas of life. So much synchronicity, you wouldn’t believe. And I have heard a few friends mention it here and there, most recently Julia. Life cycles, patterns, descending and expanding ratios. Beautiful, pulsing repetition. It is mesmerizing on every level, how the Universe offers me this cellular rhythm. Julia lost her Dad this week, and I felt her pain like a hammer on my chest all the way from California. Send some comforting wishes in Julia’s direction. And please pray for Jocelyn, friends.

I have been reading and listening to podcasts a lot on the physical and spiritual benefits of fasting, far removed from fat loss. Amazing. Exciting! So many health benefits and so much long standing tradition. Handsome and I touched briefly on the topic of Biblical references to different sorts of fasts, different lengths and purposes, the meanings behind number of days, etc. Really interesting. Our bodies and spirits are so beautifully aligned. More synchronicity, more patterns.

Psalm 118:24 and so many other love notes from God, reminding me to stay present. Stay in this day and re-joy myself. We are designed to handle this much at once. This moment is where we can affect change. Today is gorgeous and perfect and is a gift.

Cannot stop thinking about the nature or character of God, gender or no, remote or internal (both?), timeless no doubt. I just have these creeping tendrils of curiosity about heaven and hell, too, because (feel free to call me crazy) I just don’t think these are future geographies or eventual destinations. I don’t believe we are on our way to either place, exactly. I believe more and more that we choose our heavenly or hellish state day to day, moment by moment. Our thoughts, our choices, the lives we design for ourselves, both the physical structures and habits and the interior landscapes, our relationships, all of it. All of it combined becomes our realities of personal paradise or personal torture. Okay. Feel free to ignore that thought. It is not quite complete anyway.

Also, just one more weird twisty thought please: I am gleaning so much from so many different sources that gets me feeling like our moral instruction is not about how we should be living, but rather, it all is just informing us about how the universe operates, how we can best thrive within the normal operating systems already in place. So it’s less about good and evil and more about alignment and friction. Typing those words make it seem suddenly and eye-rollingly elementary. But for me it replaces shame and false authority with calm and boldness. It’s a subtle but powerful shift in perspective. Leaves lots more room for co-creativity and for JOY! Okay, I’m done.

Seneca, paraphrased: “As each day arises, welcome it as the very best day of all and make it your own possession. We must seize what flees.” This is exactly what Carpe Diem means to me. Identifying what is unique and brief about the next slice of time before us, and making the most of those details., Also, seeing the best in a day, squeezing from it all the molten-lava-JOY you can!

Quite out of the blue this past week, while doing some much needed, very average housework, I remembered lyrics from an ancient Christmas hymn: “That hope can flower from our grieving, that man can catch his breath and turn transfixed by faith.”

And here is a gem from Ann Voskamp, whose Advent book The Greatest Gift is sustaining me again:

“Sometimes the heart of waiting for the gift is the art of the gift.”

The waiting for the gift can be my art. My Advent. A way of staying awake and engaged with life, not just coasting, not numbing myself with running or cooking or doing rote chores in a passionless way. How we live and how we thrive in the midst of waiting for miracles matters very much. It can be a form of worship, the thankful and trusting spirit we harness and exude during dark times.

Have you ever thought about what it must have been like for Mary and Joseph while they searched for Jesus for THREE DAYS and he was just casually in the temple?? AHHH They suffered. Besides the foreshadowing of three days in the grave and the suffering they would do then, this briefly mentioned story in the gospel of Luke really gut-punched me this week. What a thing, to be asked to trust God with your child with no promise of how the story will end. And yet, who better to trust?

Ok. One last thing. What are the meaningful differences between yoga and stretching? How much does breath-work matter? And meditation? Can you stretch “cold” and still get the benefits, physically?

Also, can you get rabies if a possum screams his breath directly at your open mouth?

‘Bye!

friday 5 x 5 at the farm

January 25, 2019

Farm life has been pretty great this week. All things considered, including some frigid January weather and long days of complex work for Handsome, things are clicking right along. We have landed at another weekend satisfied and happy. And definitely ready for some R & R.

For this Friday, I offer you five lists of five items each: Photos I missed, excellent meals enjoyed, scriptures that have lit my heart right up, links to other articles and podcasts, and some personal wishes I have been feeling. Let’s go.

Photos I Missed

While cleaning out a raised bed and turning over the soil with my spade, I unearthed (quite literally) a tangle of baby snakes. They were average, harmless garden snakes, but it spiked my heart rate anyway. No photo.
Every sunrise here is gorgeous, but Thursday’s was exceptional. I was outside early, doing morning chores without my phone and missed documenting moment after moment of the kaleidoscope color show. Everywhere I walked on the farm, the eastern sky, and even the western basin that caught its glow, stopped me in my tracks. Just dazzling! The sky maintained its splendor for so long that eventually I sprinted back to the house to text my husband, “I love you so much, please find an east facing window as soon as possible.” He did, and he quickly replied with a photo he took, daybreak over the Oklahoma Capitol complex. It was a particularly heavy day of Commishing for him, so I was really happy he took that brief moment to enjoy some beauty. When nature shows off like that it’s so easy to see that God is in control of everything.
Klaus continues to be the wold’s leader in both jumping hay bales and collecting unwilling black cats, though I have no photos this week to prove it.
This might have happened last week, but it would have made a great photo had my phone been in my pocket: I was entering the brick chicken coop and caught sight of something in my vertical peripheral. Barbie Chicken was sitting on the door frame directly above me, inside the building, looking upside down at me with that very specific poultry sneer. We made eye contact and she blinked several times before I could look away. It was awkward. I still think something else was going on at that moment. But we will never know.
I had a few really great runs this week, and while a post-run selfie is not out of the question in my life, none have happened in a while. Just know that day after day, I come home from a workout in a much better mood than when I left. And how amazing it is to be able to work up a good sweat in sub-freezing temps! Photographic evidence or not, running is occasionally pretty magical.

Great Meals

I ate a phenomenal Gyro salad at an OKC restaurant. I mean SO GOOD. I was stuffed and happy. Delicious.
Lunchtime wraps with some kind of deli meat, a pile of spinach, and a little cheese, pan-grilled dry in either a Lavash or St. Joseph’s pita bread.
Savory, veggie-heavy, eggy oats for the win. Forever and always.
Soup! I keep making myself small batches of protein-heavy, veggie-loaded soups, and my belly has been very happy about that. The more celery and mushrooms the better, and yes to turkey-black bean chili over a big green salad.
Protein smoothies with a little “PB Fit” spooned into them at the end, instead of actual nuts. It’s pretty good. I saw this idea on Instagram and was skeptical at first, but it hits that craving without the avalanche of chopped walnuts or sugary trail mix, ha.

Scriptures in Synchronocity

II Corinthians 3:17 liberty in the spirit of God
Romans 12: 2 transformed by the renewing of our minds
John 16:33 be of good cheer, God has overcome the world
Psalm 51: 12 joy of salvation and a free spirit
Romans 8: 31 spirit of God has set us free

Input!! So nourishing!

Oprah’s interview with Larry Dossey, author of The Power of Prayer and the Practice of Medicine. Thanks for this nudge, Brittany!
Run4PR podcast, especially the interview with Coach Meghan, who talks about ups and downs and the importance of not just hard work but also passion. Loved it so much. Her advice applies to runners at every skill level.
My friend Dee wrote all about her garden dreams. Ahh so lovely!
There is a Netflix series called The Paleo Way which is pretty great. The host interviews one special farmer over and over, and if I every write down that farmer’s name I think my whole life might change for the better. Find it! Help me out!
Hungry Runner Girl wrote about eating disorders and a healthy body image while raising daughters. Man. Lots of wisdom coming from a young mom.

Personal Wishes

To realize some running goals. Even if they are long term.
To create and maintain more space in my life, from my body to our home and calendar. And then to put that space to really exceptional use. I keep forgetting to tell you about the paintbrush metaphor!!
For the growing season to start!! Springtime countdown will start soon!
For renewed closeness with Joc. I miss her a lot and have been dreaming heavily again.
For some private breakthroughs in the hearts and circumstances of a few men in my life.

What is a highlight from your week? I would love to hear. And I wish you the most restful, most restorative, happiest weekend possible. Handsome and I get to spend our next few days with a mix between extended family, just each other, and a small group that has become our “church,” sort of. Life is beautiful, and I am so thankful.

“No one is eating anyone else.”
~Dee Nash
XOXOXO

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