Lazy W Marie

Carpeing all the diems in semi-rural Oklahoma...xoxo

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My Angels This Week

Family fun.
Holiday preparations and twinkling lights and hilarious adventures.
Romance.

Difficult times.
Fear.
Fighting.
Pain.
Tears.
Sleeplessness.

Laughter.
Work.
Sleep.
Illness.

Tragedy.
Shock.
Denial.
Deepening sadness.
Extreme sensitivity to everything. EVERYTHING.
Unrecognizable personalities.
Despair.

Reminders and truth.
Sense of purpose restored.

Fun excursions.
Distractions.
Words of encouragement from precious people.
Redemption of love and support.
Fresh air. In every possible way.

   Life this past week or so has been the most roller coaster-ish, melting pot-ish, concentrated human experience-ish as ever I think we have experienced here at the Lazy W. I have to acknowledge that much of our atmosphere has been sort of a manifestation of others’ pains, though, and our blessings are still innumerable. Mostly, we are so thankful to be still standing, still whole, still loved and loving at maximum capacity. Handsome and I are keenly aware of the very real loss nearby us, both around the nation and in our families, and so we have a hard time today complaining about anything.

For Handsome, Margi, Marci, and Halee

   I have a few precious friends who have made this week extraordinarily beautiful despite the dark hours. You are angels to me, even though it is not snowing here in Oklahoma quite yet. I love each of you so very much, and I hope you all find the angels you need in tough times, just like I have found you this week.

   Wishing everyone within earshot of this digital Lazy W a very happy, peaceful week preparing for Christmas. Enjoy the process. Be joyful. Water your roots deeply, focusing on love, not money. Treasure each other and make memories.

   Gotta go you guys. I have cookies to bake, sewing to finish, gifts to wrap, and a bed to make for a romantic mid week rendezvous… Merry Christmas!

“We are each of us angels with only one wing
and we can only fly by embracing one another.”
~Luciano de Crescenzo
xoxoxoxo

Some Nights, For Dante

   I heard this song for the first time about a month ago and it immediately struck me in my gut for my nephew Dante. Then for so many other loved ones, but mostly for him. It knocked the wind out of me in that way that only incredibly well versed songs can do, songs that are belted out from someone else’s soul. The lyrics are spot on, especially the very last little selection at the bottom here…


Well, some nights I wish that this all would end,
Cause I could use some friends for a change
And some nights I’m scared you’ll forget me again.
Some nights, I always win, I always win.

But I still wake up, I still see your ghost.
Oh Lord I’m still not sure what I stand for, oh
What do I stand for? What do I stand for?
Most nights, I don’t know…

So this is it? I sold my soul for this?
Washed my hands of that for this?
I missed my mom and dad for this?

Do you know this song? Take a listen to the video; the group FUN is my latest obsession.

My heart is breaking for my sister
and this con that she calls “love,”
When  I look into my nephew’s eyes,
Man you wouldn’t believe…
The most amazing things
That can come from some terrible lies.

   There, that last sentence… Dante, baby, you wouldn’t believe the most amazing things that can come from some terrible lies. I have seen it in my own life, honey.

   It’s just so true. Life can be, and often is, riddled with violence of every variety. Physical, emotional, and financial destruction are in store for everyone in different ways. Pain, despair, and counterfeits are just constants sometimes, but so is love. So is hope. There is always, always reason to hang on. Impossibly, some of the best miracles really do rise up out of some of the worst tragedies. It’s always been that way for people, too, so there is no use resisting it. There is no such thing as “should” or “deserves” or even “justice” when it comes to Love. It is just so powerful and complete. It overwhelms every imaginable darkness when you let it. Love can heal you, and It can change you and your life in ways would never predict.

   Dante… My heart is breaking for my sister, your beautiful Mom, and I think about her and you and your own little sisters every single day.

   I have been looking into your beautiful, deep brown eyes since you were a baby and cherish every memory. How I wish I could relay to you how much is waiting for you in this world. I am so excited for you, so confident that you are meant for big things. So hopeful that you will heal perfectly from these years. Stronger than ever and full of life.

   Don’t be afraid of ghosts, and don’t feel bad about anger. Remember that you are not alone. Focus on and magnify the best parts of life, day after day after day. Hang on. Work hard and do your best, as a gift to your future self more than anything. But also because it will help you in this moment too. You are amazing and you are loved more than you know.

“Who, being loved, is poor?”
~Oscar Wilde
xoxoxoxo

Little Joys Like Sardines

   This week has been as busy and hard working as ever, but it has carried with it a sheen of pleasure that warrants a little attention. If life were always this joyful, this satisfying and easily understood, then I would quickly become an unbearable grinning idiot to my friends and family. Already, these past few days I have caught myself giggling aloud when no one is around to hear me. That’s how good life is.

   Last weekend after the Christmas parade we attended in Cow Town (What?? I haven’t posted that story yet? Oh gosh, that is how busy I have been!), Handsome and I brought home a gorgeous White Pine tree and have been decorating it piecemeal ever since. While last Christmas I used a wild Red Cedar from our forest and decorated the house plainly, organically, which was our mood at the time, this year I brought out only the bright colors and sparkling mesh and ribbons and tinsel, only the cheerful, jubilant stuff that matches our mood this year! I absolutely love it. It might stay up until July. Or until it’s time to start vegetable seedlings indoors and I need the real estate again.

   Daily, between normal chores and running in only two-mile increments, I have been knocking out long standing projects from my massive to-do list. This is such a relief, you know? I can literally breathe more easily.

   We have made connections with friends this week, old and new, silver and gold, spending little slivers of time with fun people and making memories. The animals are all fluffy and warm ahead of the upcoming cold snap. All is well. Now, one day this week Romulus did chase Daphne so hard that she tore down a fence to escape his wrath, making it all the way to the road before slowing her run, but our wonderful neighbors helped keep her still until I could get outside and bring her home.

   Whew! Naughty, naughty llama.
   Llama drama.
   Momma llama drama.

   The bees are on the road to recovery after an invasion by wax moths. What? I haven’t written in detail about that either? It really deserves a post of its own, as this is interesting stuff, if you’re the least bit into bees. Which you should be. Maybe tomorrow. Anyway, I am relieved and grateful and encouraged about this whole process. Good stuff.

   Thursday night I was able to attend my nephew Dante’s high school band concert and hear him play saxophone. It was wonderful. He is so good and talented, so smart and sweet, I feel very lucky to have him in my life. And he somewhat reluctantly allowed me to meet his pretty girlfriend, so that is a milestone I won’t soon forget. I may or many not have taken an excessive amount of photos that night. And, unrelated, he may or may not invite me to future vents. We’ll see. LOL

   Professional momentum and stressors are ever present for Handsome, but he continues to weather storm after storm and accomplish things that only embolden my pride in him.

   My youngest daughter asked to spent another day at the farm this week, right on the heels of that last delightful visit, and we had an even better time together than before! We baked, cooked, baked, discussed writing and spirituality, played the piano; we had lunch at home and another tea party and read aloud to each other chapters from Where the Red Fern Grows; we played with the animals; she helped us repair the fence felled by Daphne. We talked about fun, easy things and a few hard things, and we reached a golden, glittering understanding. We hugged and laughed and just loved. Love, love, love. That’s what it’s all about.

   I spoke briefly but meaningfully with my rather legendary Grandpa Rex this week. Just thinking about him makes me smile!

   Friday night our famous little Dinner Club With a Reading Problem convened to discuss Little Women and celebrate Christmas, We decorated cookies. We ate gluttonously. We shared our lives with each other and laughed some more. I love my book club girls so much, and I know they love me too. Kerri collected coats for delivery to New Jersey, where a colleague of hers is still recovering from the hurricane. We signed cards for all of our guest authors from this past year, and we made excellent plans for projects in early 2013. Stay tuned, folks… Book club has amazing things going on!

   Then yesterday Handsome and I accidentally slept late. Very very late, possibly thanks to an ongoing battle with some mysterious physical ailment. We rose with barely enough time to snag a few truck stop donuts then ready ourselves for a day of family visiting and Christmas shopping. The bulk of our day, after that, was spent soaking up love and laughter at my Aunt Marion’s house. She is so special to me, always had been, and she and Uncle John were giving their six year old grandson a little birthday party to which we were invited. What a day!

   More cuddling, more love, a couple of fun movies last night, and Handsome and I are still running on full. I walk around constantly with happy butterflies in my stomach, excited about what we will experience day after day. Is this the Christmas spirit? I think so. I hope it is strong in your home, too. If you need a dose, we have lots of extra. Come on over!!

“It is Christmas in the Heart
That Puts Christmas in the Air.”
~W.T. Ellis
xoxoxoxo

 

December is Beautiful, Be Sweet

   Happy December you awesome people! Did you have a good weekend? Are you even more in the thick of Christmas preparations than last time I asked you? Things at the Lazy W are just as simultaneously hectic and restful as ever. I am hitting a daily stride around here that is deeply satisfying, so much so that maybe one day I should try to write it. It’s a thrilling awareness.

   Anyway. 
   As our seasonal decorations evolve from autumnal to sparkly, and as we accumulate special gifts for loved ones and indulgent desserts and appetizers for all of the holiday parties headed our way, I am happy to have a moment of pause. This year I am thinking of the Christian reasons to celebrate, of course, but also of the pagan traditions that have carried over into modern culture. Maybe it’s Oklahoma’s changing weather patterns that have me feeling all contemplative… Or maybe it’s the fact that this year I have more friends than ever who don’t particularly subscribe to a rigid Christian label. Or maybe it’s that in two days I will trepidatiously get my first spray tan thanks to a bottom-dollar coupon on Living Social I bought a thousand years ago. Whatever the cause, I am simmering in thoughtfulness about why we do the wintry-Christmassy things we do.
   I don’t have too giant of a message with this you guys, only a little reminder and encouragement to go ahead and celebrate things your way, according to your own heart. Pull out all the stops! But don’t waste precious time and energy criticizing how others celebrate. Or how they don’t. The things we do are supposed to be joyful and loving, life-affirming acts, not critical and obligatory and demeaning to others. Or to yourself. And certainly, traditions are at their best when they are upheld deliberately and lovingly. Don’t you agree?
“We have just enough religion to make us hate,
but not enough to make us love one another.”
~Johnathon Swift
   So if you have a friend or neighbor who decorates a tree but doesn’t use an Advent wreath or nativity scene, relax. There is still enough Christmas cheer for everyone. And if you are one of those sweet souls who  cringes at this time of year because of the inevitable religious guilt trips, despair not. True Love isn’t about that. Go ahead and keep your personal winter traditions, whatever they are. Let them bind you to your past and comfort you for your present. And everyone come to the lazy W for some hot chocolate by the fire! If this winds ever dies down we will be open for bonfiring business. And Christmas caroling. Because these are some of my traditions.
Live lovingly and 
Wish Me Luck with my Spray Tan!
xoxoxoxo
   
   

Diamonds, Dreams, and Worry Doors

   My morning coffee is often the perfect time to browse through inspirational quotes and essays, opening my mind and heart to those morsels of wisdom that just click into some struggle happening within me. Today offered such a moment of serendipity, and I’d like to share it with you. I hope you’ll join the conversation.

“You rush from room to room 
hunting for the diamond necklace
already around your neck.” ~Rumi

   It floors me. How common is this? With such enormous appetites for everything from food to material luxuries and even friendships or romance, how often are we chasing after more than we need, or how often do we fail to notice dreams that have already come true? I know I am guilty of this from time to time. And not just when we frequent the Friday Night country auction, though that is a great example. I mean, I don’t care what Pinterest says… A person only needs so many rusted antique milk cans or empty wooden frames that want to be painted turquoise…

   We can accumulate more than we need in many areas of life, continuing to pursue duplicates or poor imitations of treasures already at our feet.

   Handsome and I watched a news segment this morning about a pink diamond ring being auctioned off for charity, at a ridiculous value. The female news anchors, doing their jobs, oohed and ahhed over the sparkly bauble then took turns trying it on. They each slipped it on their wedding ring fingers where beautiful diamond rings already sat. This really bothered me, that a woman would put another diamond ring where her wedding ring sits, just because the second ring is pretty. To each her own, but really. To me, that speaks volumes.

   Then about ten minutes later I read the above quote from Rumi, and it lept off the page. Err, phone screen.

   I am not looking for diamond rings, by the way. That was just an interesting coincidence. But this does remind me of a sparkly wrap bracelet I bought about a year and a half ago on a frivolous shopping trip with my friend Marci. It is missing about a third of its stones but is so pretty, and so odd, that I wear it all the time. It cost like nine bucks.

I think this is a necklace, but I usually wrap it a few times around my wrist.

   Anyway, to add yet another layer of coincidence, Marci happened to called me out of the blue yesterday with some of the most encouraging words I have heard in a long time.

   Read into this as much or as little as suits you, but for me I am taking all of this as a big, happy clue to examine my yearnings. Do you remember the Worry Door story, and how it is supposed to be closed tight, forever?  What phantoms do I still allow to creep up and and terrify me, and what dreams am I still chasing frantically, that perhaps have already come true?

Thrifty stuff update: That painting now sits on my writing desk upstairs in the Apartment;
that gray & white tiered stand has served about three hundred cookies by now;
and those paper white bulbs are finally planted and proudly displaying three inch green sprouts! 

   I have this slightly weird belief that some prayers can be answered in advance, at a far distance; they just take a little time to become visible. That is when faith bridges the distance, the waiting period.

   That is when I have to trust that the diamond necklace I am hunting in every room is already around my neck. Or my wrist. So I just close my eyes and imagine it. And give thanks for it. And stop hunting. And allow the Worry Door to remain closed.

   What phantoms chase you around, trying to terrify you and fling open your Worry Door? Let it stay closed, man. What dream are you pursuing, hunting like a diamond necklace in every room? Perhaps it is already around your neck.Or your wrist. I’m not suggesting that worry has no place in life, or that we should stop dreaming big dreams. Just that sometimes it’s good to stop and notice how abundantly blessed we already are, and how many treasures already belong to us.

Be Happy.
And if You Have a Friend Like Marci, 
Give Her a Hug.
xoxoxo