Lazy W Marie

Carpeing all the diems in semi-rural Oklahoma...xoxo

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the word for this week is “WHEW”

This past week flew by in a whirlwind of ordinary and extraordinary, with a couple of scary close calls and lots of deep relief mixed in. As the dust is settling before daybreak Sunday morning, I am even more filled with gratitude than usual.  

This is how my strong, sweet husband described it at bedtime Thursday night: “We have had two days that could have brought major paradigm shifts, but here we are resting in our comfortable bed and everything is okay.” I love that. And I am truly thankful for a husband who will speak words this powerful just as I am falling asleep.

Early Thursday morning Jessica had a health scare that brought all four of the parents together in the emergency room. Jess had been sick since the day before, feeling pretty worn down and in lots of pain (she had an elevated heart rate, too) from what we would eventually know was tonsillitis. But before we knew that, everyone was on high alert. 

By mid-morning, she had had tests and received lots of assurance from the doctor plus a few prescriptions and strict instructions to rest. We were all wildly relieved and with her blessing made plans for her to come back to the farm to recoup for a few days.

Klaus is very good at cuddling and watching people be sick. He loves us back to wellness.

It had been many years since we all convened in a hospital room like that, and it echoed both terror and comfort. Because we know God so much better by now. Trust in all circumstances has become such a natural way of life. We sense and believe so deeply how much He wants to help all of us, both with health and medicine and work and finances, the physical realities of living on earth, as well as with human relationships and all things spiritual. It’s amazing.

The peace in that hospital room was as much a relief as her good health report. 

The day before, we had a near miss with a house fire. I had spent the afternoon working between the gardens and the Apartment, where I had turned on a wall unit air conditioner, to cut the humidity. I went outside for a few minutes and returned to the sharp metallic smell of electrical fire. Long story short, the wall unit had a short in it. Thankfully, the sparks and tiny flames in the machine, though they did produce a lot of smoke, did not turn into a true fire, and the house is fine. But it was tense. My husband arrived home within minutes of me turning off all our power. He checked the wall and wires thoroughly. We turned the power back on and went back to life as usual, slightly stunned by everything that almost happened.

More echoes from past trauma, and another example of something which we have experienced before: Our house fire a decade ago was scary and stressful and expensive. But also loaded with blessings. God walked us through that ordeal then, every step of the way. This time, we were glad to avoid it completely.

So much assurance and peace, just to be restored to real life routines, two days in a row.

Before and in between those stories, life this first week of October was as full and normal as ever. My husband continues to work at the Commish under extreme stress but handles it beautifully, if you ask me. We continue to strive for health and peace and beautification around the farm. And gosh we really want to embrace the changing season.

Speaking of seasonal pleasures…

Saturday morning, Jess was feeling like herself again. The three of us took a very late breakfast outside to eat on the deck next to the first bonfire we have had in many weeks. It all happened just as a cold front swept uphill from the pond and a gentle rain tapped on the oak canopy above us. We played outside and luxuriated and talked about everything. 

What a way to start October, what a way to usher in autumn. And maybe this is helping us prepare for so many life transitions already headed our way. The house fire a decade ago signaled an awful life chapter. But I know this one brewing now will be different. I know that in my bones. Tomorrow is a new moon, too, I think. Definitely a time to notice growth.

Later that afternoon, when she was feeling really great and ready to resume her life and gentle routine, I drove Jess back to the City. (She had come to the farm with me on Thursday, without her car since she was too sick to drive.) That drive back was especially nourishing for the two of us. Long car rides have often, over the years, meant deep talking.

I soaked it up gratefully. And this time I was offered two additional gifts.

First, we saw Jocelyn. She was driving toward us on Penn, and it was actually her vehicle I recognized first, “Becky.” I am well acquainted with Becky since she started driving it in Colorado. Then I saw Jocelyn’s beautiful, pale round face and enormous brown eyes, that fringe of bangs beneath her ballcap. My heart leaped. I miss her so much, even with all the good news and encouragement we keep hearing. For a moment it occurred to me to suppress tears in front of Jessica. Then I realized that my body’s initial response to cry and ache was brief. No need to suppress.

Something warm and pleasant washed over me instead, like a touchable veil of comfort. 

Then, after dropping Jess (and cuddling her dog Pippa), as I was leaving Oklahoma City, I noticed the digital marquee on Penn, not far from where Joc would have been driving. It was at KP Supply, a business that for many years has been sharing inspirational or motivational quotes on their sign. Once, they agreed to scroll a Happy Birthday message to Joc, so she would see it as we drove to school that day. They are the nicest people, and their sign always touches my heart. Yesterday this was their message:

You cannot trust your judgment when your imagination is out of focus.

Okay, wow, yes. This speaks straight to my heart for so many reasons. How does it strike you?

I am finishing this post around lunchtime on Sunday. It’s once again raining gently outside, our windows are open, and I am happy to be immersed in all sorts of cuddly activities with my husband and our Shepp. My heart is calm. 

This week’s near misses and moments of rescue, these golden reassurances for yet unanswered prayers, they are altogether a thrilling gift. Life is beautiful and good beyond description. Trusting God with every detail is the most radical, most effective, most deeply satisfying life strategy we have ever tried. He loves us so much, it’s crazy.

Ok. Happy Sunday. I need to go check on my friends who are running the Chicago marathon today!!!

“It’s Not Time to Worry Yet.”
~Atticus Finch
XOXOXOXO

reading & watching lately

Hey friends, happy Saturday! I hope if this is your weekend that you enjoy a long, deep drink from exactly the well of refreshment you need most. No doubt you have earned it.

For me, refreshment will mean cuddles and extended leg braids with my husband, and hopefully big bowls of plain popcorn and a great movie. It means one more easy run, maybe with friends, and as much yoga and foam rolling as I can slow down for. (It’s been a great mileage week and I need the stretch.)

Refreshment could mean a few fun outings around town, some gardening, one exceptional birthday party for our friend Jason, and also making substantial progress on the Lazy W Outreach Batmobile. I am so pumped about my husband’s newest project and cannot wait to tell you everything!

In case your idea of refreshment is reading and watching soul-nourishing stuff, here is a list of treasures I have found lately.

Kindness Diaries This is a Netflix series that chronicles a globe-trotting social experiment about generosity between strangers.  I found it by accident a few months ago. Now Handsome and I watch it together. The episodes are short (really short) and sweet (really sweet) so you can easily fit them into your busy life anytime your spirit needs a boost. The globe-trotting set up also means you get to learn about all kinds of places and cultures in a slightly different way, something more casual and less anthropological. Please sample this beautiful show for yourself, cuddled up with your people if possible. While not always easy to watch, the program is family friendly. And I love the overarching message that while the world from a great distance can be harsh and terrible, up close there is more than enough light to dispel the darkness. I cannot even say how much I love that.

“I realized on my journeys that all though we may be different religions, although we may be different colors, although we may live in different countries, we are all the same,” ~Leon Logothetis

Book of Joy: Can’t stop, won’t stop. I am on my third pass now, making note of my own notes from the first pass and organizing my thoughts and emotional responses along the way. Every day I find new layers and brighter echoes. This slim volume speaks to so many lessons I have been learning over the past eight years or so. And although the three authors are from different “religions” than any to which I have ever ascribed, all of it complements my deepest spiritual faith so cozily, I honestly feel like I was always meant to read it. Have you ever felt that way about a book?

Related, here is some exciting news: My friend Kellie recently listened to The Book of Joy on audio, liked it so well she is now reading the print version and agreed to discuss with me soon. Kellie S. is great at deep conversations. I am very excited. I happened to hear that our other friend Kelley F. had read it years ago and wants to discuss (yay! She is SO smart and I can’t wait to get better acquainted with her!), and still another friend Meredith (yes we all know each other already!) started reading it this week. I’m not even done. Brittany from Colorado (and Sante Fe and Paris and my dreams) checked it out at the library, as did my new internet-local running friend Jessica who is fast like lightning and bakes sourdough more than I do, and I know they will both love it. As of early this morning, our very own Handsome has also downloaded and started reading the book! He said he wants to finally see what it is I can’t stop talking about.

We have ourselves a small, intimate study group focused on a supremely worthwhile book.

Deep breath from all of that excitement!

Speaking of deep breathing… This article on the mindbodygreen website was super thought-provoking. It gave me a fresh look at the wellness of our little household, especially as the days cool down and shorten. Two things to which I have been trying to pay attention are micronutrition and rest. When I need energy, instead of thinking first about food or caffeine, I stop to breathe deeply and stretch. Maybe drink water or have a small piece of fruit, then wait to see how I feel in a bit. I think this practice has helped my digestion too, if you have read much about Ayurvedic medicine. It certainly helps me with mindfulness. If you read the article, I would love to hear your thoughts. 

An Autumn Mindset: The Inspired Room is such a gracious source for ideas and motivation on how to keep house and decorate, but in a lusciously gentle, meaningful way. I love love love her annual autumn nesting series, and this year it all begins with this mindset post. So perfect. My gosh. And doesn’t this quote apply to every season, every effort we make at home?

Cultivating an autumn mindset begins with quieting the noise of what everyone else is doing so we can actually focus on the simple joy of creating our own cozy sanctuary.

 

September light xoxo

Won’t You Be My Neighbor?  Last but not least, the Fred Rogers documentary. We curled up with some comfort food one evening and watched this, and it was just perfect. Better than I expected, more interesting and more emotional. I am so grateful to have been raised on television like this and Sesame Street. And as we watched, I learned more about my husband’s childhood, too. 

What have you been watching and reading lately?

Full disclosure: As I edit and try to post this for you, Shameless series 7 is playing in the background. The show is fascinating and prompts lots of great conversation, but it does require a palette cleanse here and there, haha. Hence, the list above.

Enjoy!

“There is no normal life that is free of pain.
It’s the very wrestling with our problems
that can be the impetus for our growth.”
~Fred Rogers 
XOXOXO

 

 

 

fake it till you make it? or just a word swap?

I went to sleep Sunday night in a grim mood and, despite sleeping well, woke up more or less the same way. Except with the benefit of a crystal clear dream, something that eventually motivated me.

The rest of the day was, in fact, just another Manic Monday, though in the dream I was not kissing Valentino by a crystal blue Italian stream.

The dream was just a short little thing about social media, what to do when I wake up, and some big wishes finally coming true. (Sometimes my dreams are more like glyphs than storyboards, ok, just go with it.)

Today was the kind of day when I needed a pep talk, and I was frustrated that nobody was around to offer one. I don’t have Monday morning staff meetings or a manager who gives me feedback or even children at home whose mood and radiant lines of success might give an indication about my own. I have lots of beloved animals, but their feedback is, let’s face it, pretty narrow in scope. They know nothing about my life goals or spiritual path or overarching, you know, peopley stuff.

Normally happy way deep down in my bones and on fire, especially in the early mornings, today I just went through the motions for a few hours, doing the normal basic Monday tasks. Then went for a run.

My mind was a maelstrom of negative thoughts, so much so that by the end of eight miles my face was as wet from crying as from the rain.

Because of course it rained all day on a Monday when I was feeling super pissed, haha.

Normally I love the rain. Anyway.

But for the dream that warned me about something as much as it encouraged me about some promises, I might have vented on Facebook. Instead, I breathed deeply for many hours and just tried to keep steady. 

It had been a while since I felt the need to fake it till I make it. But a lightbulb went off.

Maybe it doesn’t have to be fake. Maybe at vulnerable times, we can simply choose a better thought. Take a deep breath, acknowledge the bummer feelings, then turn to embrace something better.

I’m a sucker for words and, in fact, believe they hold a lot of actual power. So I tried something. I just started writing down the annoying phrases that had consumed me all morning and reworked them into more constructive versions of the “truth.”

  • I feel smothered. I am loved and needed.
  • There’s too much to do, it’s never-ending. Life is full and beautiful.
  • I’m gaining weight and don’t feel good. We have enjoyed a relaxing summer and food is plentiful.
  • When will this nightmare end? God is in control.
  • Everything is such a far drive away. We have the private oasis we need and love. 
  • Medical marijuana in Oklahoma? Are you KIDDING me?? People who need it will get the help they need. 
  • I will never qualify for Boston at this freaking rate. There is no time limit on good health.
  • I miss her so much, this is killing me. God has reconnected you once before. He will do it again.

And so forth. I scribbled for a long time.

What struck me after a while was that the new, more pleasant versions actually seemed truer. More accurate. The darker phrases looked ugly and distorted. 

Life really is great. Things are way better than they seem at times. And that was the nutshell of my personal pep talk to myself today. 

The next time you need a pep talk and no one is around to offer it, try this exercise. Write down all the things that are ruffling your feathers and convert them forcibly, harnessing the power of words.  

Choose a better path. Fake it for just a minute. You will make it.

“Perpetual optimism
is a force multiplier.”
~Colin Powell
XOXOXOXO

 

 

 

 

 

cultivate

After a gentle, soaking rain this morning, we went outside to survey the farm and accept some of the afternoon’s unexpected sunshine. It was warm, but in the shade still plenty comfortable. My husband loaded the spool of the weedeater and started tracing clean lines around every raised bed, sidewalk, and rock border. This makes us both so happy. Clean edges are heaven.

I fed the animals, played fetch with Klaus, and started pulling weeds from inside those edges. So many weeds lately, everywhere you look. The lushness of our summer weather extends to all forms of life at the Lazy W.

I mentally celebrated the rambling hyacinth bean vines and vibrant gomphrena and zinnias, gave thanks for the tomatoes and basil, and got a jolt of early excitement thinking of the seeds that were planted yesterday, in the bare earth where all forms of zucchini vines had been. (I do hate squash bugs.)

Then I saw the daylilies. They seem to have stopped blooming too early this year, and that’s a shame because they are normally so tall and gorgeous, such a deep, electric shade of orange. Lately, I see only the decapitated stalks, sometimes hanging onto a withered dry bloom, the plants’ brown leaves falling exhaustedly downward. Too early.

I started combing away the dead parts, gloveless, and scooping them into my wheelbarrow already full of weeds and dead stuff. My hands went after the task easily, twisting and pulling old lilies from the pliant earth.

I caught sight of one fistful of green and brown and realized it was not lilies. I was pulling grass, too. But a foot or two up, the grass looked and felt so much like the daylilies that I hadn’t noticed. I threaded my way up and down and forested through the flower bed to see exactly what was growing and where.

I was kind of stunned to see how much grass was choking out the daylily stands, but also relieved. Maybe cleaning everything out would rejuvenate the flower bed.

The thing that really stuck with me was how similar the grass felt to the flowers. An uninvited imitator, a fraud. And one that had gone undetected for a while yet was easily uprooted.

It all leaned hard into my thinking lately about cultivating. Pulling up what doesn’t belong to make room for what does. Cultivating. Feeding what you want to grow. Eliminating what no longer serves you. I couldn’t stop smiling as those grassroots popped out of the damp earth and sprinkled dirt on my face and arms. 

This is a snapshot of the shade garden about a week ago. It has already changed so much, again.

Cultivate.

Cultivate our homes, our work environments. Our routines. Our work products, after all. Our diets. Our social media feeds. Our reading material. Our schedules. 

Cultivate our relationships. Our friendships, family bonds, romances, all of it.

I adore the idea of cultivating our lives in every way. To my thinking, it all comes down to the smallest things. For all the big planning we do, all the garden architecture and herculean seasonal efforts, sometimes we need to kneel down and feel each thing by hand, no gloves, face to face with the details. Uproot the bad habits in the exact moments that you see them and make the yes/no choices one at a time, slowly and mindfully. 

So that all the things we do want more of have all the space they need to flourish. 

Just some food for thought on this gorgeous Sunday afternoon. 

“We must cultivate our own garden.
When man was put in the garden of Eden
he was put there so that he should work,
which proves that man was not born to rest.”
~ Voltaire
XOXOXOXO

 

 

 

thoughts on filling a god-sized vacancy

God-sized vacancies.

In recent months some trusted and deeply loving friends have helped us come to grips with features of addiction, and the simplest and best message from all this has been the idea that every human is born with a God-sized vacancy. We each have a space within us that only our Creator can fit, satisfy, and make whole. 

Until we understand that, we all stumble about, trying a million different things to fill the void. We ache to not ache anymore, so we seek after things that will hopefully numb the pain, things like unnecessary food and alcohol, needless shopping, miles and miles of running, drugs, sex, and more. Everyone has something which can be taken to excess. It’s never better than a temporary pleasure, like drinking salt water to quench a very unique and specific thirst. Often it becomes a truly destructive force.  

The more this idea comes into focus, the more it helps me, both in private ways and as I think about and pray for my family. It’s become a touchstone for considering daily choices and evolving priorities:

  • Do I crave this (whatever) because I am aching for God in some secret way, and I need to tend that first? Is this pursuit a poor substitute for the Real Thing?
  • Or do I genuinely feel close to Him, and this craving compliments my spiritual walk?
an expanse of mountains draws out my thoughts and feelings the same way a starry night can

The notion of a God-sized vacancy has recently ignited an exciting new way to pray for loved ones who are suffering. A way of praying in order to close the gap which has been unapproachable to me.  

Find her and meet her needs in a mysterious and surprising way, just as you found me. Speak to her in the voice only she will recognize, just as you did with me years ago and still do now. 

It has been transformative, as simple as the idea is. 

Here’s a relevant passage from the Jesus Calling undated daily devotional:

Seek My Face, and you will find all that you have longed for. The deepest yearnings of your heart are for intimacy with Me. I know because I designed you to desire Me.

We are designed this way. It’s not a deficiency. It unites us all, you know?

I love these short verses in Psalms 42…

As a hart panteth after the water brook, so panteth my soul after thee, O God. My soul thirsteth for God, for the living God: when shall I come and appear before God?

No earthly thing, no pleasure or possession or goal or anything, no matter how good and beautiful, can satisfy that deep, innate part of us meant only for Him. This isn’t terrifying to me; it’s deeply calming, comforting.

So this is all just some food for thought if you sense any reflexiveness or false satisfaction in your heart. If you have a hunger that is not satisfied by normal earthly things. And maybe especially if you love and pray for someone who is struggling with addiction or a lost feeling, a pain that nothing in your control will assuage. 

“Two powerful words that will instantly change your life…
I CHOOSE.”
~Carolee Waddoups
XOXOXOXO