Yesterday evening after a wonderful Easter dinner and board games, my sister Angela and I stole away to our childhood kitchen to talk. We covered a lot of ground in a few solitary minutes, and one thing that came up was social media and what I choose to write about here on this blog. (Social media itself is a much-happening conversation in my life lately, by the way; an interesting shift is happening amongst my friends.)
I shared with her that over the years I have at times written very personal stories and enjoyed the warm embrace of whoever my readers were at that time. Sometimes though, and almost always at the times it would hurt the most, I have shared deeply private things and felt some serious backlash. So I lately tend to keep it pretty much on the surface.
Anyway.
All that to say that I have so much more to write about. Stuff beyond more frequent updates about #farmlife and #slowfood and my ground-breaking salad ideas (ha!) and running goals. Not that those topics aren’t fun! But they only scratch the surface. The daily fabric of life is important and how we relate to each other. But certainly, we all have secrets and tragedies and spiritual battles, family histories and terrifying giants that we’re trusting can be felled by five stones in God’s name. We relate to each other this way, too. It’s just that shame, fear of backlash, and other reasons keep us from sharing those stories.
So there are many, many stories like this that are begging to be written. And I would hope that the writing might be more than cathartic for me; I would hope to buoy someone or shed light into a murky situation, at least.
For example?
What really happened in Colorado last November and where Jocelyn is now. And what our friends and family did to help us. Why I know we did the right thing, no matter what is being said about us now, by the same people who called us for desperate help then.
The advice my Dad has given us since November. (I should really share this because maybe you need it too. He’s a really amazing Dad and I am so lucky to have him.)
Why my children were gone for so long (at least as I see it).
What unprecedented miracles have happened in recent months to restore our family.
The time DHS appeared at the farm. And how vicious a custody battle can be.
Why I tend to form resentments against certain “types” of mothers. And how I am trying to soften my heart in that respect.
What happened with my husband’s sister and her adult son, what they did to the home where we raised the girls.
And the restorative miracles God has provided since then, both financially and emotionally.
The nature of addiction and the foul, destructive ways it has permeated our family (and my ex-husband’s) throughout generations.
The actual differences and similarities between Catholicism and Pentecost, in my own experience.
Why I am at peace with our church being closed. How much deeper my spiritual walk has been since, and yet how much I do understand what all those years meant to my husband (and to me for that matter).
The time we have been spending with new friends at monthly small group discussions.
Our new Lazy W Outreach project.
The deepest reasons I love running. (Five years into this, it’s about so much more than weight management now. Man.)
What my sister Angela’s life has been like these recent years, and the years before that, and what she has learned about fear and love, all about the same time I have been learning it too. And why I have resented her so bitterly. And how we have finally made peace and started a brand new friendship.
The sight of a woman I used to respect and admire, strapped to a hospital bed following a suicide attempt. And the precipitating storms since then.
What it’s like not having a “real job” in our stormy climate of feminism and all that jazz. And how it feels when people assume I have gobs of free time available for the taking. And how much I love having time free for my own taking, and my husband’s.
The few vivid and unshakable reasons I will always “unfriend” people on social media and why I am quick to burn certain bridges, seemingly out of the blue.
The first thoughts I tend to have when someone says they are trying to have a baby, or they are battling infertility.
How Jessica is faring and what her journey has looked like this past year especially. I want to tell you all about her stay in Germany with the Benedictine nuns and also all about her next chapter.
How I can tell the difference between a dream that is mental junk and a dream that is a message from God. Also, how I know His voice in the daytime. I’ve known since I was about six years old.
Why book club ended so suddenly, according to me.
And so very much more. Honestly, the things I could write about but choose to protect far outnumber the things I could write about but just don’t take the time to, because I do stay pretty busy these days. I am sure if pressed, you would say the same about your own life.
Life is messy and being a human is complicated, as my friend Mickey says.
You might glance through this quickly brainstormed list and easily peg the topics that I would protect mostly because the stories belong also to other people. Our lives are interconnected after all, and my own experience is only ever one of many overlapping circles, you know? I would never want to dilute someone else’s truth by highlighting my own.
(That is exactly why writing for Listen to Your Mother last spring was so difficult. Which is a whole other story to include in this list!)
Lots of shame, too. And even without shame, lots of things in life are just plain difficult to explain fully, and it hurts to live them over and over again. I have healed from plenty over the years, just like you have, and if given I choice I always choose to move forward.
Face the light, celebrate the miracles, live in the moment, today. Expect good things in the future.
I believe this stuff.
So why do these things keep circling?
Okay, friends. I don’t know what this means for this blog, going forward. I just needed to catch my breath and punctuate this a bit. Thank you for reading today and every single time you visit here. Thank you for your kind comments and emails, always, and for the unkind ones too because they have taught me a lot. Thank you for good vibes and prayers. You have mine always!
Now, on this chilly April morning, I am going to check on the animals and my gardens, because we woke up to a frosty farm. And then I will run 7 or 8 easy miles and go buy some white thread to finish a sewing project for Jessica and work on aprons for friends. And then? We will see. The list is long, as always, just like yours but probably very different too.
“Courage starts with showing up
and letting ourselves be seen.”
~Brene Brown
XOXOXOXO
Babe your just so real and raw and brave when you share. You put yourself out there in a HUGE way last year and I was so moved and amazed and hope you know YOUR STORY MADE A DIFFERENCE. Someone in that place needed to hear it never doubt it. God works in mysterious ways his wonders to perform. And never doubt your a warrior. Maybe your a salad eating, dirt road running , farmer/artist who uses her pencil as a sword but your still a warrior. And this world needs women like you soul sister.
Suzanne, you are so rock solid and bright, so encouraging. Thank you!! I could not have enjoyed a more perfect “big sister” at LTYM. Did you know that I use the broken bowl you gave me, daily? Love it.
I hope this story is useful to people. Not an attention grab, ever. I hope people see that nothing is unsalvageable, that joy can come out of the dark, you know? Anyway. Thank you again, and always. Happy springtime!!
I can’t tell you how badly I want to sit across from you over a cup of coffee and talk about all this stuff that can be challenging to write about. I wrestle a lot with wanting to tell my story and also not being sure how much I want to make public or keep private, and of course our stories being intertwined with others, how to do all that. Have you read Tiny Beautiful Things? Cheryl Strayed has such a way of bringing everything to light with such compassion and grace and truth. Anyway xoxo 🙂
I have shared this fantasy many times, of having coffee with you and talking for hours about big, deep things, not trivia. I know you have stories to share that have not been written (MAN I miss your blog!!) and the ones you know of mine are so much broader, although you are one of only two or three people who has heard me cry and scream like that, back in November. Surely one day this coffee and conversation will happen. Ok, Cheryl Strayed has been on my radar for a while but I keep pushing her out for weird reasons. I may have to scoop that title up. Thank you! I love you so much!!
Such a beautiful soul. You are strong and real and amazing. You be you.
Shirley, thank you!! I appreciate that immensely because ever since I was a stupid, unorganized 20-something and worked for you at the bank, I have admired you. Your encouragement is so great. Thank you, happy spring!!
Beautiful my love. Even being the closest to you in the world, I am still amazed every time I read your words. I am blessed to have a place on your journey.
Always, now, and forever.
I love you so much and truly (truly) do not want to imagine this journey without you. ANF xoxo Thank you for always pressing me toward the light!!
You are never given more than you can carry, you just don’t realize you can carry it. Have faith, he knows what he is doing
You are so correct, Dennis. Thak you for the reminder!!! xoxo
I look forward to seeing the LazyW in my email. Know that you are not alone in your struggles! I appreciate you sharing the good AND the bad!
Robyn, thank you!! (I hope you don’t regret signing up for these posts, haha!) It’s sad that so many of us are facing similar struggles but also encouraging that none of us is alone. Thank you for your kind words and for reading along. Much love to you and your family!!
Your task is not to seek love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it – Rumi
I love you so much with my whole ❤️ and I am so grateful every single day to have you in my life. You remind me to keep reaching beyond my limits that I sometimes believe are there- and to accept the love that this life has to offer. Thank you for all that you are, and all the truth that you speak, and don’t speak. You actually taught me a long time ago about the depth and importance behind the Bible verse- Philippians 4:8
8 Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.
Yes, all of those scriptures, perfect. Thank you!! And your opening line reminds me of something, maybe from Marianne Williamson? About forgetting we are loved and how it compares to birds forgetting they have wings. Does that sound familiar?
Sister, I am deeply grateful to have YOU in my life. All these years you have been a big piece of joy missing in our family, and now I feel so warm and hopeful. I can’t wait for you to write your fear and love essay. Thank you for reading and loving us, and thank you for your excellent sense of humor!! LOL!
I dream of a time when you and I can share stories without any constraints of time or pressure. We will share our hearts and truth will spill from us and remind us how love weaves us together for all times! I miss you and I see you and I hear your stories even if you don’t or can’t tell them. I feel a sisterly connection to you and always have. We are connected not by accident, but by divine appointment!💕❤️💕
Wouldn’t that be amazing?? We have so many years to cover, where would we start? Thank you for your ongoing love, even when you have to read between the lines. I know you get it. And I strive to be as gentle and flexible, as wholesome and loving as you have always been. I miss you too. Definitely a sisterly connection. That phrase makes me very happy. Best, most beautiful of springtimes to you!!
Whatever you decide, it’s what you can live with and deal with at the time. I share your fear of putting stuff out there as well. I protect my family and our pain because it’s not just about me. So I get it… I really do. Love you!
I know you understand all of the complexities, Katie. And so you know, I love the way you share the growth and expansion of your “bonus” family; it’s a huge, happy inspiration to me!! Much love to you. Thank you for reading and for your encouragement. Happy spring!
Sweet Marie,
You always seem to speak straight to my heart. I read your posts in my inbox and it seems as though they are aimed right at me. I think often of and pray often for you and your sweet girl. I will never forget that post you wrote that was so beautiful and heart-wrenching and could only come from a mom to her girl. Today you had me at “How I can tell the difference between a dream that is mental junk and a dream that is a message from God. Also, how I know His voice in the daytime. I’ve known since I was about six years old.” You have a gift for eloquence in your writing and I thank for sharing your stories.
Thank you Julie! I am so happy to know you and I are connected by words and stories. Thank you for feeling the intense feelings with me, too. Do you have dreams like this too, hear voices? I would love to know what it’s like for you. Thank you for reading, for your kind comment, and for praying for our girl. Happy spring to you!
Love, love, love. That’s my feelings about your blog & you, who I only know from 1 accidental run in the park – what a blessing!
Mary!!! Do you know that around the time you left this comment yesterday morning, I was at Choctaw Creek Park, running, and I was thinking of you?? Thank you so much. I feel like I have met you many more times than just that once, and I would love to see you again. Thanks for reading and for every kind comment. xoxo
Friend, I have been meaning to come back to this post to comment. Your deep heart to love and to share is so encouraging and beautiful. I miss the depth that used to come from blogging that I too feel is lost in questioning every word or photo I post online. But you are reminding me that we long for this. Just as I long to know the whole story of every single thing you wrote, I imagine others hope for that depth from me as well. It is a sensitive time – to keep some of our lives private, especially for the sake of others. But we also need the personal stories. We need to re-humanize the internet and social media. Anyways, I think of you often. Pray for your relationship with your daughter. And am thankful for your words. Hugs to you. xo