Does anybody else have the disease where you cannot just learn and enjoy a simple skill without wanting to launch it into a massive community effort, or maybe a career, or under the right circumstances… a life calling? I for sure have that. It took me many years to admit it to myself, and I could do lots of armchair self-analysis to explain how I got to this point (hello leaving the public work force and still feeling guilty 17 year later)…
…But the bottom line is that I’m withdrawing from the Farmers’ Market and textiles business for a while. And yes, I definitely use the word “business” loosely here. Generously. Ironically. With loads of rainbows in my eyes and that haze of imagination around my head.
Why can’t I just have yoga deck and occasionally enjoy it with friends without brainstorming how to develop it into a yoga retreat space?
Why can’t I just cultivate the max amount of fruits, herbs, eggs and veggies that our family will eat without thinking I am morally obligated to sell enough to pay off our house?
Case in point: I made a gorgeous, decadent small batch of jelly yesterday from plums grown here on the farm and basically thought my name should be Smuckers. I agonized for three and a half hours over the economics of scale and what was wrong with me. See what I mean?
Why can’t I just sew gifts for people here and there without thinking I need to make an apron name for myself and compete with Jessie Steele or, more recently, the PW herself? Ha. Yeah, I know she doesn’t sit at home and sew those herself, but you get the idea. It’s a defeating train of thought and ultimately a grand waste of time and energy.
The thing is, none of these impulses are borne of wanting to fill a gap, not exactly. I mean maybe just a little. Really, it’s that my daily and weekly and monthly routines are so indulgent, so extravagant and satisfying, that keeping it all to myself feels weird. And yet, adding a variety of outbound, money-focused projects to the mix is just too much. It spoils everything.
Maybe I should just open a hippie commune.
I am kidding!
Mostly.
Enough for now. I just wanted to check in and say that, despite so many enthusiastic Facebook posts and private conversations lately, I will not be at any local farmers’ markets this summer. Nor am I likely to do a bunch of sewing unless you contact me privately for a special project. I have my hands full at the farm and am also happy to see some family changes coming down the road, for which I want to keep my time open.
Life is beautiful. So beautiful I just want to share it more often. That’s all.
Love you, friends. Thank you as always for checking in. I hope that however you spend it, you have the most satisfying day.
Carpe Diem
XOXOXOXO
Oh my goodness, you speak directly to my heart!!! As you know, I took a hiatus from blogging (a never ending hiatus I think), but now I’m jumping back in to entreprenual activities. I’m reopening an antiques booth PLUS selling a line of furniture paints – Fusion Mineral Paints – from the booth. AND I’ve been running some workshops AND I’ve started a small catering business specializing in cheese and charcruterie platters (2 orders so far). It’s just in me to ‘DO SOMETHING” – this time spurred on for a need/want of some extra personal income. Why do I always think I have to be Heather Benton Omnimedia???
Yoga? Who has time for yoga? lol
By the way, I didn’t get the strawberry jam made. The strawberries are still sitting in the fridge. By the time I got home from visiting mother in the hospital, making dinner, tidying up and visiting with an unexpected guest, it was 9 PM. And MasterChef had to be watched!! Oh we polished the wood floors at 10 PM too.
I closed my business this year and decided to go back to school to find work I would enjoy. I didn’t want to teach any more so I put all my energy (which is low, like my thyroid 😩) into making the business successful. I got so burned out. Bad. I know what goes into having a business. I don’t think I’ll ever do that again. But like you, every new project or discovery sends my mind down the How can I make this sustain my lifestyle? Path. My brain is quick to remind me how THATS not the lifestyle I’m enjoying and it’s exactly what I just quit. Go to bed brain. Your drunk.
I get it. I do. When you find something you love to do it feels selfish not to share it with the world. But it’s okay to do things you love just for the sake of doing them. Just because they are beautiful and give you joy. That’s what I’ve been telling myself when it comes to writing and blogging. I don’t have to be famous. I just have to be happy.
If you start that hippy commune, Rosie and I will be there with bells on.