Lazy W Marie

Carpeing all the diems in semi-rural Oklahoma...xoxo

You are here: Home / Archives for grief

farewell to chunk

What I’m not going to write is one more piece on love and loss and the importance of keeping our eyes on the silver lining. We’ve had so much of that here on this blog, because my husband and I have had so much of it in real life. It’s all a worthy lesson, no doubt; but today we just need to rest a bit in a new reality here at the farm. I am writing to ask you for your best loving energy. Your prayers, good vibrations, kind words, or just you quietly nodding head as you read. Handsome and I will appreciate your embrace from a distance.

Just the facts, ma’am.

Okay.

Today we are saying goodbye to a beloved farm-ily member, Chunk-hi the buffalo. Our bottle baby-turned cuddle bug for nearly seven years, our cookie-loving, face-scratch-begging, engine-racing, tractor-tire flipping behemoth is moving on to his next life chapter. We are caught in that all too familiar brackish water where salty tears mix with fresh starts and past meets future face to face.

buff BW face

Chunk is alive and well, don’t worry, just going to live on another ranch. Thankfully, that ranch is here in Oklahoma and owned by the parents of some friends of ours, so it’s possible we can go visit Chunk in his new digs. We could see his new girlfriend. Maybe next year meet his little golden calves. (We could become bison grandparents!!) This ranch happens to be in Stratford, so we can also stock up on peaches when they’re in season.

Those are all silver linings, Marie, stop.

Sorry.

This decision is not one at which we’ve arrived easily, and the factors have been many and building in intensity. During angry, bitter moments we find people to blame (new neighbors usually, the Turnpike Authority also). In tender moments we see that maybe this was always meant to happen, eventually. Our bison dreams way back in 2009 were big, and life has taken so many unexpected twists and turns since then. Whatever you believe about fate and bad luck, these last six and three-quarter years have just evaporated with our sweet buff. He quickly became part of our farm-ily during those early summer bottle feedings. He has etched himself into our identity at the Lazy W (how many children have visited to feed him cookies and scruff his wooly face?). He will always of course own a slice of our hearts.

I promised not to wax too poetic about this. It’s just such an emotional thing.

Chunk is being picked up today around Noon, and it will be only his second time in a trailer. He will be arriving at only the third place he has ever seen on this beautiful earth, and besides his mother (moments before she was hunted, I feel the need to point that out), he will soon meet his first adult American Bison. Word on the prairie is she’s quite a looker and feeling amorous.

Wink-wink…

We are not heart broken, exactly. We are heart-aching. We know this is the responsible thing to do and that Chunk-hi will be safer (uninvited attention from passersby on our road has been a huge problem this year), and we even believe he will find a whole new level of happiness in his new life. Of course that last part stings a bit, but gosh. We have survived a child leaving the nest and finding happiness. We’ll survive this too.

It’s all for the best.

So please keep us in your happy thoughts, and for sure keep Chunk-hi in your happy thoughts. Hope for him wide, green pastures, abundant fresh water, excellent romantic companions, and just enough human interaction to help him remember us fondly. Believe in these hopes and we will too, and no doubt he will be okay.

To Robbie and your family, thank you from the bottom of our hearts. Knowing that good people love Chunk is such a comfort. We reminisced this morning that it was Robbie who helped us feed Chunk grass clippings when we were neighbors. It was Robbie who held off a dog attack before Chunk had horns to defend himself. And it has been Robbie all along who watched Chunk grow just as both our families’ kids were growing. As poetic full circles go, this is a lovely one.

Friends of the Lazy W, if you have ever visited our farm and shown love to our buff, thank you too. Thank you so much. Thank you for your cookie generosity, your inquisitiveness, your sense of caution and bravado. We have enjoyed it all. We would really love it if you took a moment to share a Chunk-hi memory with us.

We love you Chunk! We already miss you, sweet boy.

Oh give me a home
Where the buffalo roam..
XOXOXO

 

Two Weeks Later, Love Remains

   This is gonna be an unusual blog post. Please forgive me if it’s even more rambly than normal. I want to organize my thoughts and relay them poetically, with some meaning or message, but all I can muster right now are observations and a few cell phone photos.

All you need is love! And treats. Chunk-hi agrees. 

   The last two weeks since losing Handsome’s Mom have in many ways been unlike any others in my life. Daily, hourly, by the moment, life has been unpredictable and volatile. On the other hand, some beautiful, familiar ribbons of love and stability have carried us from day to day. While we are once again broken in many places, the most important things between us have not changed, they have only strengthened. For this I am so grateful.

   The shock is just beginning to really fade. In its place I am seeing pain, confusion, loneliness, and much more. A flash of anger here and there. Judy was so much to so many people, that she is leaving a void no one person can fill. And she is gone far sooner than anyone was prepared to let her go.

   This is a time everyone relies on God to fill the gaps in our hearts, and He does, if we wait. We all try to be of service to each other, to be used in any way He asks. Preparing meals, cleaning, laundering, driving, listening, praying, organizing, repairing… Anything. But the grief is so ongoing, so revealing of a love that is deep and forever, that no tasks we perform from day to day really feel like enough. So we just keep trying.

brightontheday

   Handsome’s sweet Dad, Harvey, is staying with us at the farm for as long as possible. I hope to share lots of his stories as time passes. He is wonderful, and many days I feel like I love him as much I love his son. We really appreciate having him here, and I only hope the togetherness is as good for him as it is for my husband. The farm had been filled with dozens of other beloved visitors day in and day out for the past two weeks, so now the three of us will begin to discover a new daily routine. I know already that everything will be different. That’s okay.

   God is so good. I don’t have to look too hard to find hidden blessings, special skinny little silver linings that take the edge off the pain, but I also feel incredibly guilty enjoying those gifts. The circumstances under which they have been sent are so hard, and most times as daughter-in-law I feel like on onlooker, sometimes even an intruder into a dark, terrible, intimate family room. I loved Judy very much and admired her perhaps more than I ever realized, but my grief is completely different from everyone else’s. That’s probably normal, I don’t know.

Marci, thank you for this rare photo.

 

   The Tiny T love story will continue. I don’t feel like writing it exactly, but last week I was really surprised to learn that my in-laws had been reading the series together and had even started making guesses about what kind of woman T would end up with. So, especially because I love my father-in-law so much, T will return pretty soon. I missed the 31 day challenge again, but the love story will keep going for as long as it needs to.

   The farm is torn between cold and balmy, between new life and a deep, chilling slumber. Several of us noticed with lots of wonder that the forests were all lush green until the day after the funeral. Now every branch is bearing as much gold, crimson, and russet as green. Still, though, the apple trees have been blooming again, like it’s spring time. The herbs are still growing like it’s June, except for the tell tale seed spikes begging to be collected. And we harvest peppers and tomatoes, day after day. Kind of amazing.

Apple blooms in autumn?

   The horses have already found their thick, fuzzy winter coats. Chanta is so silky right now, so tempting. When I need to cry I go to the middle field and lay across him, combing my fingers deep through the gold and white hair all over his big belly, and he wraps his neck over me.

   Today my baby brother and I will be preparing a fortieth wedding anniversary celebration for our parents. It’s a wonderful occasion, and I’m so excited, but of course it’s bittersweet. Judy passed away just hours before we were to celebrate forty years for her and Harvey. See? Life is so wildly extreme. So all over the place. We must be limber and strong.

   As I finish writing this, the late morning sun is streaming passionately through the big east window. Mammoth plants and flowers from the funeral are everywhere, gilded now and illuminated by the fresh new day. Really pretty and really sad. Just like every other detail lately. The living room is absolutely pulsing with color and light, and I have no idea what to do about that.

   Thanks so much for all of your kind words, for all of your prayers. Every single speck has been relayed to the family.

   There is much more to say. I don’t know when I will write again, or about what, but for us life goes on. Love is steady and reliable, stronger than ever. There are dishes to rinse. Beds to be made smooth and comfortable. Animals to feed. Aprons to sew. There is plenty to do. And once again, for this I am so grateful.

Work is love made visible.
~Khalil Gibran
xoxoxoxo

My Angels This Week

Family fun.
Holiday preparations and twinkling lights and hilarious adventures.
Romance.

Difficult times.
Fear.
Fighting.
Pain.
Tears.
Sleeplessness.

Laughter.
Work.
Sleep.
Illness.

Tragedy.
Shock.
Denial.
Deepening sadness.
Extreme sensitivity to everything. EVERYTHING.
Unrecognizable personalities.
Despair.

Reminders and truth.
Sense of purpose restored.

Fun excursions.
Distractions.
Words of encouragement from precious people.
Redemption of love and support.
Fresh air. In every possible way.

   Life this past week or so has been the most roller coaster-ish, melting pot-ish, concentrated human experience-ish as ever I think we have experienced here at the Lazy W. I have to acknowledge that much of our atmosphere has been sort of a manifestation of others’ pains, though, and our blessings are still innumerable. Mostly, we are so thankful to be still standing, still whole, still loved and loving at maximum capacity. Handsome and I are keenly aware of the very real loss nearby us, both around the nation and in our families, and so we have a hard time today complaining about anything.

For Handsome, Margi, Marci, and Halee

   I have a few precious friends who have made this week extraordinarily beautiful despite the dark hours. You are angels to me, even though it is not snowing here in Oklahoma quite yet. I love each of you so very much, and I hope you all find the angels you need in tough times, just like I have found you this week.

   Wishing everyone within earshot of this digital Lazy W a very happy, peaceful week preparing for Christmas. Enjoy the process. Be joyful. Water your roots deeply, focusing on love, not money. Treasure each other and make memories.

   Gotta go you guys. I have cookies to bake, sewing to finish, gifts to wrap, and a bed to make for a romantic mid week rendezvous… Merry Christmas!

“We are each of us angels with only one wing
and we can only fly by embracing one another.”
~Luciano de Crescenzo
xoxoxoxo

Let the Great World Spin: a book review

   This latest book was suggested and loaned to me by my friend Desiree, one of our original four book clubbers. Hi Desiree! Thank you for this, I totally enjoyed it! She is an avid reader with strong opinions, and she always brings something interesting to the discussion table. So when she thought specifically of me for a title she had just finished, I paid close attention. And then I gobbled it up greedily. In a nutshell: this award winning and critically acclaimed novel was just as interesting and enlightening as it was beautifully written.

Let the Great World Spin by Colum McCann

(Thank you goodreads for this cover image!)

    Set almost entirely in 1970’s New York City, Let the Great World Spin tells the stories of several seemingly unrelated characters who are like the spokes on a wagon wheel if the center of the wheel is this certain event: a renegade tightrope walker between the Twin Towers. Their lives begin to intersect more and more, and a history between them builds just exactly the way real life does. Telling you that much, though, does nothing to impart the book’s magic.

   If you read this piecemeal, like I did the first third or so, you may not notice this at first, but ingesting several chapters at once will make it clear: the author writes in a perfectly unique voice with every single character. New vocabulary, new mood, new context, everything was new every time we moved to a new perspective. I could find none of the usual narrator’s objectivity, and I loved it.

   A little bossy momma’s warning: this is an excellent book, told truthfully and graphically. It is not suitable for children or young adults. Desiree, are you sure you’re old enough to read this?? LOL Totally kidding.

   One other thing struck me about the pattern McCann built as the characters were revealed. Each one of them had a drive, something in his or her life that fully motivated will, pleasure, longing, and relationships. Some of those drives were healthy and some were certainly not, but under his creative brush, I have to admit that I could see the pull of each one clearly. The inertia or magnetism, even when it was negative. Career mobility, romance, drugs, charity, grief… These people had kinetic themes attached to their lives whether they liked it or not. That gave me a lot to think about you guys. What are your life themes?

   In addition to their actual life paths, these personalities also differed in how they viewed and interpreted the tightrope walker. An otherwise innocuous event sparked opinions in people and interactions between friends and strangers that were really insightful, really telling of the spectrum of emotions human beings are capable of displaying. And of course, we cannot help but see the intentional foreshadowing of the September 11th attacks on those same towers.

   On the back cover of Let the Great World Spin is a list of glowing reviews from various authors and publications. I’d like to share one that happens to express my own opinion succinctly:

“McCann’s gift (is) finding grace in grief
and magic in the mundane,
and immersing the reader in these thoroughly.”
~San Francisco Chronicle

   Exactly. Maybe that’s why I liked it so much: finding grace in grief and magic in the mundane is what keeps me going. More than that, it’s what fills the tiny gaps in life and what grows us from the inside out. Do you agree?
   While browsing for cover images, I happened to see that many sites are already dedicated to listing quotes from this book. I am not at all surprised. If this had been my personal copy I would have dried up two highlighters and a red pen by the end! Just for fun, here are some quotes I happened to really like myself (and no I didn’t cheat and pull these off of someone else’s list, these were collected along the way like wildflowers):
  • “Let this be a lesson to us all, said the preacher. You will be walking someday in the dark and the truth will come shining through, and behind you will be a life that you never want to see again.”
  • “Genius, they called it. But it was only genius if you thought of it first. A teacher told him that. Genius is lonely.”
  • “He said to me once that most of the time people use the word love as just another way to show off they’re hungry. The way he said it went something like: Glorify their appetites.”
  • “I wasn’t sure if I hated her or not. Sometimes my mind sways between good and bad. I wanted to lean across and smash the glass and grab her nappy hair, but then again, she was looking after my babies, they weren’t in some orphanage, starving, and I could’ve  kissed her for not giving them too many lollipops and rotting their teeth.”
  • “He never saw himself in any danger or extremity, so he didn’t return to the moment he lay down on the cable, or when he hopped, or half ran across from the south to the north tower. Rather it was the ordinary steps that revisited him, the ones done without flash. They were the ones that seemed entirely true, that didn’t flinch in his memory.”
  • “Now that he was gone he had a name again. Thomas. I wrote it in blue eyeliner on my bathroom mirror. I looked through it, beyond, at myself.”
  • “Every time a branch of mine got to be a decent size, that wind just came along and broke it.”
  • “Listening to people is like listening to trees- sooner or later the tree is sliced open and the watermarks reveal their age.  
  • “…she was tired of everybody wanting to go to heaven, nobody wanting to die. The only thing worth grieving over, she said, was that sometimes there was more beauty in this life than the world could bear.”
   And just one more, possibly my favorite…

“Afterward, Gloria said to her 
that it was necessary to love silence, 
but before you could love silence 
you had to have noise.”

   Please do try to squeeze this into your reading schedule soon, before they make it into a movie. Can you believe the weird timing? I finished the book the day that article there was published. 
   Anyway, it is a very well done 349 page illustration of humanity, and reading it will be time well spent. Please let me know what you think!

Thanks again Desiree!
xoxoxo