Lazy W Marie

Carpeing all the diems in semi-rural Oklahoma...xoxo

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no chance of ice

Between farm chores today I lingered in the barn a long time, just listening to the soft, constant rain tickling the metal roof. It was so gentle and lulling, like the most delicious white-noise symphony you’ve ever heard. I could have laid on that big fresh hay bale and napped. Like the cats were doing.

The rain is such a gift, you know? Even as Oklahoma continues to recover from the scarring droughts of recent years, we still celebrate every shower. But today’s shower brought me a deeper joy than usual. A deeper assurance.

It occurred to me that just a few days ago, when it was still sixteen degrees outside, all this moisture would have been falling as ice, or at least as snow. And we’d be buried again in the stuff of winter that slows us down and makes me worry about the animals and not drive anywhere. But now, with the warmer temperatures gracing our region, the moisture is only just that: Moisture. Rain. Deeply drenching water for the earth. With none of the dangerous conditions that accompany snow and ice.

We can’t control the rain, of course, or the air temperatures; both are inevitable and somewhat unpredictable. So how many weeks in winter do we spend fretting over the ice, worrying about it because we know we’re at risk? Plenty. (Sometimes we are simply exposed. Or sometimes we choose to be. We neglect what we know will protect us.)

But today I just enjoyed the rain. I had no fear of ice. I knew (because I knew the nature of water and when it freezes) that today no ice would coat the roads where my husband and daughter drive. No ice would freeze the bellies of our animals. No ice would down any power lines to the house. Just rain. I knew I could safely trust and relax.

Then it hit me in the most amazing way: I could safely trust and relax.

Just as precipitation is far beyond my control, life changes are too. Big things are happening all around me quite without my permission, but they are definitely happening. The big headline, though, is that they are not happening in a cold, barren space. These life events are happening in the midst of Love and under the warm blanket of prayer. It may rain, but it will not freeze.

So, ice? I have no fear of it. Failure or destruction? It’s not even possible because Love won’t allow it. Faith prevents it.

It’s been raining since sunrise here, and now at almost 9 pm, with the sun finally dark, it is raining still. No chance of freeze, though, so there is nothing to fear.

We will sleep soundly with the rain.

No worrying, mama.

“There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear:
because fear hath torment.
He that feareth is not made perfect in love.
~I John 4:18
XOXOXOXO

trusting changes

Lots of life changes around here lately. Again. But I don’t want to talk about that exactly.

Today I came up for air just long enough to see that everyone around me is going through big changes right now too. Lots of them are happy changes; most people close to me are anticipating big, exciting life events, onward and upward type stuff. Brittany is packing and preparing for a solo trip to Paris. Nicole is expecting another baby. My nephew is turning eighteen. Stephanie is on her way to a much needed San Diego retreat to start her fresh new year of health and rebuilding. Tracy’s college career is just amazing to watch. Allison is a new bride whose heart is just overflowing with the most brilliant Love ever.

Among my friends there are some heavy and truly difficult gravity issues at work too, grieving left and right, and such is life, but both are trying. Whether happy or sad, significant changes test us. They boil up our stomach acids and tense up our muscles. They cause us to take too-shallow breaths and maniacally write lists of things to do. No matter how good and right the Big Event may be, for me sometimes the anticipation can be paralyzing.

One of these days I want to write to you about the pregnancy metaphor.

Anyway.

This life turbulence can be dangerously taxing if we look at it the wrong way, if we are worrying instead of taking courage. And what I’ve learned about worry is that it’s a waste, a huge mistake. Like sawing through sawdust, there’s no use in it but it is in fact dangerous. So if a Big Event is churning up a tide of energy beyond our control, let’s reject worry and instead harness that tide and put it to excellent use.

  • When you lie wake at night thinking about “It,” consciously stop yourself, very gently, and pray instead. Turn it over to God in excruciating detail. He already knows anyway; just choose silently in your deepest thoughts to give Him control. Ask for His help in ways you can scarcely fathom He might help. (Spoiler alert: He totally will.)
  • Give thanks for the opportunity, whatever it looks like. Give thanks for how well things are going so far and give thanks in advance for all the amazing outcomes you trust are coming. See? You’re already breathing better. So am I.
  • Discipline your imagination to only see the best possible results and surprises along the way (for there will be plenty). You have to do practical things to prepare for certain unknowns of course, but something else I have learned these past few years is that your imagination is a crazy powerful conductor! You can literally shape the future with your thoughts, so make them good. Make them amazing.
  • Then in the daylight hours when action is called for, act. Trust the inspiration granted you, invest in your own intuition, and do one thing at a time toward whatever is on the horizon. Even when it feels like everything is on your shoulders alone, it’s really not. You’re not nearly so alone as you feel sometimes. Just take a deep breath, do what you can to the best of your ability, then exhale, knowing that you’re only one element of the masterpiece being worked. Unseen progress is being made that you will see and celebrate at the right time.

you are not alone

So I pretty much wrote this to remind myself of the things I sometimes forget. But I hope it encourages you, too, for whatever Big Event is on your horizon. I’m sure there are plenty coming.

I trust, for myself and for you, that no matter how it feels in those weak or worried moments, the ultimate gift of life is Love. And Love is more powerful than anything. The weird way circumstances braid together do seem to be good for us, over and over again. We look back and see again that worry was a silly mistake. We were destined for happiness and celebration all along.

Take heart, you are not alone.
Love is so powerful.
XOXOXO

 

interstellar love

Handsome and I recently watched the 2014 movie Interstellar with Matthew McConaughey and were floored. It was a well made science fiction blockbuster with an intricately written story that spans decades (my favorite), and the acting was really great on all fronts, especially from Mackenzie Foy, the young girl playing the daughter. Purely on entertainment value, the movie was fantastic. When it ended we were both stunned into silence and breathless. But it has stuck with me for greater reasons than entertainment.

The story asks the viewer to consider the elasticity of time, the swell and tautness of relativity, the mystery of gravity. It asks the viewer to weigh the value of the future without the people most precious to you, to stretch your concern beyond your own world to encompass the human race as a whole. Then, through one convoluted scientific obstacle after another, you are confronted with all these possibilities that, well, I don’t know how else to say it, but science ultimately takes a deep, reverent bow to faith, and it was thrilling.

insterstellar quote with joc dusty photo

By now we all know how powerful Love can be if we set it loose. We may doubt it here and there, in moments of agonizing pain or when we are too surrounded by darkness to see (although remember that a dark room is the best place to see points of light). Life constantly tempts us to forget the far-reaching, logic-smashing glory and weight of Love. Then when it is the only thing left, when no other solution is working, or when we are so dazzled by the magic of Love that we can’t take out eyes off of it, everything else falls away and the right things fall into place. Again and again. Love wins.

In my own life I have seen the power of Love return precious people to my days and nights. Despite lies and bizarre circumstances, despite my own mistakes and shortcomings, despite everything. Love trumps it all. In this realm, time doesn’t even matter, and my heart has learned to stretch and breath without worry for it.

I hope you give a few hours of your life soon to Interstellar. It’s sad in parts, and it’s tricky to follow in parts if you’re not a strong science buff. But anyone with a warm heart will be able to appreciate the human story here, the spiritual lessons and tantalizing theory that time is truly relative. That Love spans time and space and is the source of the miracles we so desperately need. Love will save us all in ways we could never predict.

“Love is the only sane and satisfactory answer
to the problem of human existence.”
~Erich Fromm
XOXOXO

 

 

 

no longer surprised by joy

When I first opened my eyes this morning, sunlight was streaming into our bedroom warm and smooth, molten, kinetic. The walls were pulsing with that wonderful early morning sheen, thick with golden light, and then in a moment it was gone. Slipped away in the cleaner white light of day. A rare moment captured.

Then a little bit later when Handsome and I stepped outside with our mugs of perfect coffee, ushering the chickens and geese out of their nighttime coop and tiptoeing towards Hot Tub Summit, we caught another rare moment. The east pasture and middle yard were capped with a thin blanket of wooly fog, rolled out like a blanket no more than twelve or fifteen feet above the ground. Through that fog, more sunlight streaming fiercely, joyously, making every tree branch come to life despite their dormancy. The backlit fog was stunning. And then it was gone, burned off in the warming rays.

These moments were brief but breathtaking, and I am so happy we both got to see them.

Miracles have been happening in our life. Always, yes I know. Life itself is a miracle. But friends… Miracles have been happening. Some of them have been direct answers to prayers, often desperate ones. Many of these prayers are several years old, too. Other miracles have been complete surprises, wonderful doses of saving grace from near tragedy or windfall joy out of the blue.

I try to move slowly through my days whenever possible so I can notice the details of life more fully, absorb them, and magnify the Light streaming in that gilds everything. Ann Voskamp illustrates this discipline beautifully. Besides making the days more lovely, this also serves to calm me with those yet unanswered prayers. I feel steady and sure, confident in the powerful Love surrounding us.

Today I barely feel the need to ask for anything more because the momentum of miracles in our life is so strong, so kinetic. But we are invited to ask largely, so I will. Before that though, and after it and all day every day, my prayer is Thank You. Thank you, and I trust You. I trust you with everything big and small, seen and unseen. Thank You.

 day lilies cs lewis

Are you seeing miracles in your life right now? Do you need a miracle? They are certainly available, and you don’t have to deserve them to receive them. But you do have to ask and trust.

Wishing you a really gorgeous, happy, love-filled Sunday. Handsome and I are soon heading back outside to soak up more unseasonably warm temperatures (Oklahoma still thinks it April, not February) and see what new miracles are on the horizon. Thank you so much for stopping in.

Thank You.
Thank You and I trust You.
XOXOXO

 

 

sparkling joy

Sometimes when she’s home I want to hug her so close and squeeze her, cup her face in my hands and stare into her ebony eyes. I want to press her close to me and stroke her long brown, satiny hair and smell her and cradle her like the baby she hasn’t been in nineteen years. But I get this feeling of restraint, like when in a sleeping dream, a book or newspaper appears and the harder I strain to focus on the words, the blurrier they become. Eventually my efforts to read wake me up, and the dream is gone. Dissolved. Sometimes I feel like if I squeeze her too tight, if I want her home too much or cause her to feel all the love I have for her, she’ll be gone again.

Jocelyn at age four, Christmas morning. Scrumptious! xoxo She still is, too. Every bit as beautiful, loving, and sparkly in every possible way.
Jocelyn at age four, Christmas morning. Scrumptious! xoxo She still is, too. Every bit as beautiful, loving, and sparkly in every possible way.

That’s fear, not faith. And it’s never love that drives people away; it’s Love that brings them home.

She’s home. Home for dinner, home for movies, home for laughter and silliness and talking about everything under the sun, both serious and easy. Home for her horse and our family and memories old and new. Home to figure things out and also to just relax.

She’s home for Christmas, and my heart is bursting hour by hour, over and over again.

Nest feathering… Preparing the Apartment for her stay has been as much fun (more so even) as decorating a nursery for a newborn baby. I have felt every bit of the same joyful, nervous anticipation I felt just before her due date almost two decades ago. And daily I think of our friends Brad and Trisha who right this minute are expecting their first child, also a girl, Avery. I am beyond words excited for them! They’ll be amazing parents, I know. Avery is already a lucky little girl. And in what will feel like moments Avery will be a young woman visiting her parents for Christmas. And they will be so elated they will scarcely find words for the feeling.

Of course, our baby (not a baby anymore, I know!) is a busy girl, so it’s not like she’s here all day every day. But she’s here. Close. It’s music to hear her walk in the front door, her pretty, sing-song voice saying, “Heeeyyy, we’re here!” (She often brings a friend.) And it is beautiful just to see her tiny-feet sneakers paired up against our work boots. Cooking for her is a total pleasure, too. It’s become a running joke that somehow on the nights she eats at the farm, I manage to repeatedly serve either some variation of pork chops or spicy Italian food. It’s the weirdest ongoing coincidence ever. Last night we had homemade chicken and dumplings, so maybe the streak is finally broken.

Sometimes when the house is quiet and I am thinking about all that God is doing for us, in this arena and others, I can’t stop smiling with my whole face.  My back teeth chatter together gently, and I giggle until I cry. Of course there are still needs in life, still unanswered prayers. We know that. Except that they aren’t unanswered. Every wish deep in our hearts has already been heard and addressed. Every tear shed, already invested in laughter in the future!

This is for you too! All the faith you have been living is already accomplished in a miracle bigger than you can even imagine!

Brad and Trisha are experiencing a miracle different from ours yet still very much the same. They have been waiting to be parents for a long time, just like us. They have loved their daughter without seeing her, just like us. They have trusted God and the power of love and prayer, just like us. And their broken hearts are mending. Only to burst again with joy. Just like us.

Sparkling joy,
joy unspeakable
XOXOXOXO