Lazy W Marie

Carpeing all the diems in semi-rural Oklahoma...xoxo

You are here: Home / Archives for thelazyw

deep summer

For nearly a week now, every time I sit down to a clean, wordless draft page I freeze and cannot construct even one sentence. My eyes get too wide and my mouth goes dry and I am tempted to just delete this blog completely. Instead I click over to Facebook or scan Feedly to see what other people are saying. Or I shut everything down and read a book. It’s not that I have writer’s block, whatever that is; it’s that there is just so much happening in my life right now, both the internal, unseen stuff and the vibrant, flesh and blood thrumming relationships and the dirt and hooves goings on of our farm, that I scarcely know where to start. Where to dive in. How to begin unraveling the messy, twisted, knotted pile of different colored yarns that make up my life lately.

Last weekend my baby girl turned eighteen. That is a wonderful, amazing thing, truly a gift, but because of our family circumstances right now I have no idea how to write about it, except to say that my heart bursts with pride and withers in pain and bursts and withers over and over again, daily. I wrote for her and about her a hundred or so times and deleted everything. But my gosh, you know, it’s not all about me, even though mine is the only story I can tell accurately and with full permission. We’ve been through that.

So not writing about that has kept me from writing about anything else. Nothing else is as important except for her sister, anyway, and by the way her life story is taking more fascinating turns every week. If a moment arises where I feel unprepared or unworthy, I have to stop and say thank you because nothing here is abnormal. It’s all I’ve been asking for for years.

This is where I have sometimes had to read my own messages again about worry and faith. Prayer and positive focus. No doubt in my ribs and belly, these messages are sent to me first, for me. I realize that sounds goofy.

The hours between 6 and 8 each evening are the most gilded, most stilling, of the day.
The hours between 6 and 8 each evening are the most gilded, most stilling, of the day.

Everyone around us is geared up for a new school year, posting photos of newly sprouted, suntanned children in crisp new clothes, parents either bemoaning the end of summer or celebrating a quiet house that can finally be cleaned in the daytime. Meanwhile I am working to keep the small veggie garden producing and the animals happy in the heat and humidity. I am paying better attention to the flower beds in anticipation of a our niece’s outdoor wedding here in just a few weeks. And I am running hot, early morning miles and swimming every chance I get. Here at the farm, summer isn’t over until the pool closes and I have to wear a jacket to run. From the looks of things, we have several weeks remaining. This is good.

Have I told you yet that we bid adieu to two llamas? Romulus returned to his original home with Dean and Maribeth (thank you, friends!) and has already adjusted well to his guard post there. Dulcinea has a new home with the cousin of our transport and hay farming friend Billy, and that new home has a pond which I know she must love. Dulcie is a swimmer. We miss them both of course, but the purpose of this change was to bring our two horses home to graze freely in the middle and back fields. Previously, the horses and llamas could not mix at all. Lots of violence. So this has been bittersweet but ultimately wonderful. The youngest of the three llamas, Meh, still lives here at the W, and he and the horses have adapted to each other splendidly. This is all very, very good news for lots of reasons.

Meh frequently seeks kisses from the pup but never quite connects.
Meh frequently seeks kisses from the pup but never quite connects. Pardon the manure you see there. Middle field clean up is on the agenda for Thursday.

Also on the happy animal-integration front, Klaus our new German Shepherd puppy is learning more every day about appropriate animal relationships. He shows measured restraint with the buffalo, unbridled passion with the barn cats, and a dangerous sort of are-you-or-aren’t-you-a-stuffed-toy? curiosity with the smallest chickens. Our days and evenings are infinitely more fun with Klaus here. My Facebook friends have been very kind, indulging me with love on every photo of him I post. He is one hundred percent the best farm dog in the history of farm dogs anywhere on this planet. And he is already almost too big to sit in my lap, but yesterday I did manage to teach him to drive a stick shift. The Jeep is plenty roomy enough.

We had so much fun! And afterwards he had the hiccups.
We had so much fun! And afterwards he had the hiccups.

Things are good. I am catching my breath emotionally, having just realized I’d been holding it for a while. And working and playing and carpeing every diem to the best of my ability. Sometimes this includes an afternoon siesta on the deck.

hay

Are you happy we are midway through August? What does that even look like in your life? August used to be so hectic, so blistering hot and uncomfortable, such a month of transition. I am looking around now, happy to see that actually it is a month full of more of all my favorite stuff. Some extra challenges. But mostly? Overwhelming peace and hope. And so many beautiful sunsets.

“Deep Summer is when laziness finds respectability.”
~Sam Keen
XOXOXO

 

 

worry door cracked open

This is the door to our smoke house, which is actually more of a garden shed right now. The door was salvaged from a century-old Land Run house in northwestern Oklahoma, a property belonging to my husband’s family. I fell in love with the chipped milk paint (original, not fashioned in a trendy boutique), the heft of the door, the memories attached. Its hinges are rusted and the window opening is only covered by hand pleated drop cloth fabric stapled on, a band aid really, but it’s beautiful to me. I love how ivy grows around it and how it creaks and swells with rain. How difficult it is to open and close. You have to kinda lift and scoot it. At the threshold, mud collects and sometimes we find snakes and scorpions.

worry door

Most doors are easy to open and close. That’s the nature of most doors, to be used and used easily and often. But we barely use this outbuilding, at least not on a daily basis, so having a cumbersome but beautiful door here is fine.

Speaking of doors that aren’t supposed to open much…

Do you remember the Worry Door? The vision I had almost exactly three years ago of the big, thick door that was forcibly (but lovingly) sealed shut against a room containing all of my worst fears? Well, something strange and wonderful has been evolving here lately. The Worry Door has been cracking open, only to be either pushed shut in a spongy, gentle way (like we do this antique wooden door with the muddy scorpion-rich threshold) or maybe, sometimes, left just barely ajar.

Weird, right? After so many lessons on keeping it locked shut, no matter what?

Well, in the time since my first hard lesson that worry is wrong, I have been on a spiritual and emotional roller coaster. I’ve learned a lot not just about the direction to worry not and only trust but also about my own personal strengths and weaknesses, my own propensities and, honestly, addictions to negative thinking.

And you know something? I have made a ton of progress. I have literally broken my addiction to negative thinking, and now I kind of have a healthy aversion to it. When I am in the company of people who cannot resist bitterness or anger or something similar, I get itchy. My vision narrows and turns inward to sort of protect myself, you know? Like a filter. My heart can feel some fear but now I deal with it swiftly. My mind can be aware of horrible possibilities but sort through them and take action instead of simmering in awfulness and poisoning my reality. I’m learning how to magnetize for amazing things, not terrible.

For these changes I am so deeply grateful.

The reason it is now safe for me to sometimes leave the worry door cracked open is that I have learned how to funnel that previously dangerous energy into prayer and allow a healthy amount of fear to fuel my days instead of douse them. Does that make sense? This is such a far cry from how life was before the Worry Door vision. The world is expanding, in really tangible ways and in beautifully abstract ones, to so many possibilities. Imagination, prayers, faith, and exponential growth. Love is ruling everything, even the cracked open doors.

We have a lot going on in life, a whole lot of really heavy stuff that never makes it to this blog. Private struggles, family issues, church problems, seriously life altering stuff that Handsome and I never thought we would face. As cathartic as writing can be, I have so far felt like sharing most of it here is just not appropriate. We barely even discuss most of this stuff with our closest friends and loved ones, because we know by now that only prayer and trust will change anything. Talking about problems tends to grow them, you know? Still, some people know a little about what we are dealing with, and occasionally a well meaning friend will ask me a question like, “Well have you heard from…? How long has it been now?” And when I answer truthfully the look of shock or maybe disappointment in me as a person is pretty hurtful. Or maybe, in an incredulous tone, someone challenges me, “Well what if (this) happens? What will you do? What is your legal recourse? Aren’t you gong to do anything?” Surely from the outside some people may think me apathetic by taking less action than they would in my situation, but they don’t see how firmly I am trusting God. How excited I am by what is coming.

Maybe they don’t see that praying and believing is doing.

Yep, I know this sounds a little vague and for that I’m sorry, but it’s just an example of how your Worry Door can be cracked open by someone else. Despite your best efforts, sometimes other people will very nearly insist that you fret over stuff. They mean it with love, usually. They want what they perceive to be the best thing for you. Okay. And sometimes they could be projecting their own fear onto you. Trying to find solutions ahead of time in case the same tragedy befalls them later. That’s human nature. Don’t waste energy being mad about this, and please don’t let it end any otherwise good friendships; just learn how to field it.

One more thought, then I will leave you to your beautiful Sunday: Yoga has been a useful tool in this journey. Often in a sequence, the instructor of choice will offer advice to just acknowledge a toxic thought and let it pass. Spending too much energy resisting or battling opposition can sometimes heighten the threat. Instead, combat these moments with a flood of positive thought. Replace the What if this horrible thing happens with What if this amazing thing happens? Try that for a while and see if your outlook improves.

Love is far more powerful that you are by yourself. Learn to tap into the power of prayer and faith and stop relying on your own muscles to hold this door shut.

Deep breath. Balance. Center. Clear mind. Peaceful heart. Trust that Love is in control of everything and faith can move mountains.

XOXOXOXO

 

 

 

watermelon, life seasons, and making the details last

I have lost track of how many complete watermelons have made their sweet, juicy way into my belly since the beginning of summer. You’re not counting, are you? Good. Know that I appreciate that. A lot.

watermelon heart

Buying different striped behemoths, usually seedless but not always, is fun to begin with. Then hearing the treasure roll around in my Jeep during the drive back to the farm. Stashing it in the pantry where it can stay cool for a while. I love it. It’s summertime. This probably happens at least weekly, but we’re not counting, okay?

The watermelon cutting itself is the true ritual, though. I always stand to the left of my kitchen sink (everything must be scrupulously clean) with probably some French pop playing in the background. My favorite lately is Camelia Jordana. Give her a listen. I like for Klaussen to be near my feet if he doesn’t mind (he never does), and if I can be finished with all my work and possibly wearing three or four of my favorite necklaces while watermeloning, well, even better.

First I cut the gorgeous green thing in two right at the equator, leaving one half in the sink while I work on the other. With no hurrying at all, the fruit divides and divides again, over and over, tumbling back and rolling, and all the while I’m thinking about how miraculously cells divide and then time and sometimes people. And families or political parties. Friendships.

About how joy, when shared, is doubled but somehow grief is lightened.

Now slowly slicing the red meat away from the green rind in a curved, sliding motion, then slicing again lengthwise, then chopping, occasionally salting the juicy chunks and taking samples for my trouble. (Friends, it’s okay if you do not count the calories of watermelon chunks you eat while completing this lovely task. I’m pretty sure it’s a wash.)

From this location with my back to the rest of the house, I can see all the artsy treasures that surround the sink. Paintings, metal wind chimes, Mexican pottery. I can scribble things on the chalkboard to my left if a needed grocery springs to mind or I feel like remembering a poem. And I can gaze out to the herb garden. Right now this curvy little spot on the farm is jam packed with color. Buzzing and fluttering with pollinators. Just mesmerizing. Zinnias, roses, sage, basils, mints, daisies, cannas, crepe myrtles, sunflowers, strawberries, and more. One emerald green hummingbird visits a tall flower near the window screen every afternoon, when the day is baking hot.

chair w herbs

I love watermleon.

I love my little herb-and-flower garden.

I love being home and practicing thsese quiet rituals all by myself.

Sometimes, though, after rinsing a big, heavy watermelon, just when the tip of my knife first pierces the rind, a weird sadness washes over me. It’s the same feeling I sometimes get while enjoying the herb garden: A fleeting panic. Like the beauty I crave and need is temporary. The hard truth that soon watermelon season will be over and the zinnias and cannas will fade, and we will be on the sad slope toward another winter.

Nothing good lasts forever, is that what they say? All day every day I am thinking of my girls. Of how true it can be, that the days are long but the years are short.

But I cannot dwell there, emotionally. These past few years have taught me how to better control my thoughts, steer my feelings, and not only live in the moment but magnify it. Squeeze out every possible bit of joy from every gift.

Which is why watermelon slicing has become such a treasured ritual. I know it’s just food. But it’s a brief season and a glorious one, and I don’t want to rush through it. I want to enjoy every pink puddle of sticky juice. Every crunch and whistle of my blade, every empty rind that will eventually be offered to either some chickens or a horse.

If you are in love with something fleeting, whatever it is, I want to encourage you to slow down the enjoying of it. Gather your energies and shape your environment so that you can, without distraction, more fully experience that thing. That gift. The more you slow down and magnify the details, the more you have internalized it. The more it has become a part of you, so that when the season is over, you can recall it better and vibrate with the joy all over again. This way it will never be totally lost to you.

I miss my girls. I miss them hard and sad, happy and hopeful, but it’s okay. Our life seasons are constantly changing, and I know by now to appreciate exactly where we are, right this minute, in every detail.

So I cut the watermelon and grow the flowers and pray for them. Keep the Apartment ready. Smile at every diem I am given to carpe.

XOXOXOXO

healthy recipes lately

Hello, Happy Tuesday! The farm is blazing hot because, Oklahoma in July. I am not complaining, though, not one bit. I adore the heat and the abundant sunshine, even the glorious humidity. It feels like Florida or New Orleans this year. My mind and body are equal parts stimulated and at rest in this exact kind of weather.

I love the seductive pace of summer, too. In the afternoon and evening hours, we do as much swimming and deck lounging as possible, and for me this means so many books and naps and near misses with sunburns. By about 3 pm, the time we reach a thousand and a half degrees, all the day’s important work is done and we can relax a little. Or a lot. So basically, heaven.

By “we” of course, I mean Klaussen and me. : ) But yes, Handsome joins us as soon as his office work allows. haha…xoxo

I've started keeping pots of fresh herbs on a wooden table adjacent to the grill, which is adjacent to the new deck. I love the convenience for cooking our meals and the beautiful-ness for just enjoying.
I’ve started keeping pots of fresh herbs on a wooden table adjacent to the grill, which is adjacent to the new deck. I love the convenience for cooking our meals and the beautiful-ness for just enjoying.

 

It’s Tuesday, so the kitchen is on my mind. Today how about we chat over healthy eating? If you checked in here yesterday then you know I am happily refocused on weight loss and well being, and of course food has a lot to do with that. Like, a whole lot.

Let’s begin.

My friend Katie blogs at Dishin and Dishes, and back in January she provided the most perfect recipe for roasted garbanzo beans (aka chick peas). I LOVE it! And I have been making these periodically ever since. Click here to see the instructions for yourself. Bottom line: she suggests some flavorful heat, and she gives us good technique advice to keep the little treasures from burning. Try it. Here is one of my batches. Makes my mouth water just looking at the photo:

spicy roasted garbanzo beans
spicy roasted garbanzo beans

I’ve been looking for higher-protein and higher-fiber alternatives for side dishes, and lentils came to mind. I don’t know why but in my mind a veil of mystery has always surrounded this particular food, so it took me all these years to finally try it. Realizing how quickly and easily lentils cook was a huge, silly relief. One day recently I cooked them in some rich, flavorful chicken stock instead of water then to the lentils added chopped mushrooms, some steamed broccoli, and about a cup of slow cooked, shredded chicken. All of this made a hugely satisfying meal. Really good. Quite healthy. So yummy. And lentils are so inexpensive! I will be doing this a lot more often. So good and versatile. This link was helpful. Last night I used cooked lentils as an alternative to both a starchy side dish and salad dressing, and I wasn’t sorry. It was filling, salty, yummy, and just moist enough to make the lemony kale really really good. Try it!

Just boil a quarter cup of dry lentils in either a broth of your choice or salted water. Simmer until tender, maybe ten minutes? Then drain. So good. Cheap and simple, really nutritious too. Completely eliminates the need for heavy salad dressings and filling enough to also replace potatoes or rice as a side dish.
Just boil a quarter cup of dry lentils in either a broth of your choice or salted water. Simmer until tender, maybe ten minutes? Then drain. So good. Cheap and simple, really nutritious too. Completely eliminates the need for heavy salad dressings and filling enough to also replace potatoes or rice as a side dish.

As a delicious main dish idea, perhaps an occasional sub for red meat? I want to encourage you to try making chicken-zucchini poppers. They are basically just baked meatballs made with ground chicken and bound together with nothing more than shredded zucchini. Talk about a lot of protein for very little calories or fat! And super flavorful. Different. Refreshing. I have made a hundred variations of this recipe since first trying it back in June, and in fact this was my dinner again tonight. (I make these for myself when steak is on the menu for Handsome. Tonight he got a nice ribeye.) Chicken-zucchini poppers are just so versatile. One Lovely Life provided the inspiration, so thank you Emily! Here is her recipe. Below is one of my first attempts. This particular incarnation had chopped mushrooms in it, too, and I ate just a few of the poppers on top of a big green salad with a hard boiled egg. VERY filling.

chicken zucchini poppers on a big salad
chicken zucchini poppers on a great big, beautiful salad

So, trying to eat healthfully does not mean we never have a sweet tooth, but thankfully the internet is full of smart chefs who are more than willing to share their recipe modifications with us. Below are a few “cookie” ideas that were big hits with me for different reasons. Sorry I don’t have any photos of these experiments. Just take that as evidence for how devour-able they all are.

  • Healthy Oatmeal Apple Raisin Cookies Really good. Moist, chunky if that’s your jam, and made with whole ingredients, most notably diced raw apples. The only downside is that they do not really “firm up” much, you know? They absorb humidity like mushy little beasts, so you might want to plan to serve them all at once. I don’t know. But they taste a lot like apple pie and are crazy nutritious, so I’ll keep this in my pocket for those kinds of cravings.
  • Banana Oat Breakfast Cookies SO GOOD. On the complexity scale, this recipe is exactly the middle of these three. Visit her website for a few fun seasonal variations.
  • Two-Ingredient Cookie For real you guys. Two ingredients is all you need, bananas and oats, which are not risky for your diet! Add stuff if you must, then enjoy. Please try these. Kids and adults all love them. I am about to hit publish then go make a batch of these with pecans and craisins. This recipe actually does keep really well, so I like having a batch of them available throughout the week. Excellent afternoon snack or dessert with some ice cold almond milk.

Soon I will share a post all about healthy food basics I keep on hand every week to prevent or cope with those inevitable hunger emergencies. Spoiler alert: hard boiled eggs, salad, and fresh fruit.

hard boiled eggs, fresh fruit, and a crisp green salad

 

Okay, that’s it for tonight! I would be so happy if you shared a link to some healthy recipes you’ve tried recently. Or tell me something you like to serve yourself or your family that is really nourishing. Something satisfying and good for you. Something genius,okay?

Happy summering, Oklahoma. You’re gorgeous and steamy. Happy eating everyone. Thanks for checking in, friends.

“Healthy is not an accident, a gift, or a rabbit’s foot. It is a HABIT.
It is a habit that will shape the bodies that we were born with,
a habit that will support the genetic makeup we got from our parents.”
~Cameron Diaz, The Body Book
XOXOXOXO

motivation monday

Hey friends! Happy Monday to you, in every possible way! I hope you enjoyed a fantastic weekend and have arrived at the top of this new work week brimming with energy, purpose, and all the good, strong resources you need. I hope today was wide open for you and that in turn you sucked all the marrow out of its bones.

#carpediem

For a while now, Mondays on the blog have been reserved for marathon talk. Or at least running reflections. But I have decided to open up the reach of “Marathon Monday” to include all kinds of motivation because, let’s face it, at least for yours truly marathon season is only about three months long, once or twice a year. But we need motivation all the time, right? Twelve out of twelve months, baby. We need motivation for health, fitness, finances, and all sorts of big, personal goals.

So… Welcome to Motivation Monday #1!

How things are going here, fitness-wise: I have very recently experienced a little slowing in my fitness progress. Nothing crazy. But it’s still a bit frustrating, especially after such a noticeable surge in health, speed, and leanness in those few weeks following the April race. These past couple of months I have just yo-yo’d more than is satisfying for me. Don’t you ever make a big, positive leap forward with something hard, get excited, then extrapolate that achievement in your mind, like, If I can lose this many pounds in three weeks, just imagine what I can do in three months! Or maybe, I saved this many extra dollars this month, so in a year I’ll most definitely have a small fortune! It’s not just me, right? I am easily motivated by success and tend to set unrealistic goals following a good little season. Which makes reality, when it is less than what you expect, kinda disappointing.

This current plateau, if that’s what it is, should honestly be chalked up to how thoroughly I am enjoying summertime. How many tortilla chip dinners and late night ice creams (have you ever had a pineapple vanilla sundae from Sonic?) and hot dogs poolside with visiting teenagers are being devoured. I am definitely in the camp of people who can eat healthfully and workout like a maniac over and over again, day after day, until a special occasion rolls around. Social gatherings and basically any really happy time is just a natural reason excuse for me to eat all the delicious, happy foods my mind and body love so much. So I’m an emotional eater, just only at happy times instead of stressful. Kinda makes the whole seek happiness thing a bit of a twisted message. (haha)

So that’s the bad-but-certainly-not-terrible news. I have compromised my own goal-reaching by too many high-calorie snacks. Probably means this isn’t a plateau, right? Probably means I am just just behaving somewhat badly.

Alongside this, though, is the good news: I have been exercising a lot and staying active and happy every day, trying new workout routines that include free weights, yoga, long HIIT videos like Jillian Michaels, tons of swimming, and more. Physically I feel great. I see improvements with strength, flexibility, all-day energy levels, etc. It’s just the actual pounds and certain vanity-appearance things that haven’t changed much. Apparently the fat I have left to lose is the hardest and slowest obstacle for women. Blah-blah-blah. Oh well.

I love pears. Usually.
I love pears. Usually.

My Plan: I talked all of this over with Handsome (he is not only my best friend; I also value his knowledge of physiology a lot) and did some reading about plateaus and calorie needs and overall nutrition. Long story short? I am going to keep with my fun exercise freedom, enjoying whatever my body craves from day to day, and not get stressed out about a laborious schedule because there’s plenty of time for that in the last leg of marathon training. And we’re still in summertime! I’ll also, though, finally mix in more long runs, something I have been missing since April. Endurance running is wonderful for shrinking oneself. And as I have said so many times, the depletion feels amazing mentally, too. Win-win. I’m also going to try different weight strategies for a few weeks, see how that feels, and (of course) indulge in fewer tortilla chips and pineapple sundaes.

(This last part will not be easy, so light candles for my skinny jeans.)

Attitude Adjustment: Really, I am so happy to be able to enjoy life in every way and still make tiny little bits of progress with my personal goals. It’s a pretty great balance, and I have to take a minute to acknowledge that these efforts are in fact working; they are just working at the same slow, easy pace that I am. (again with the haha) It’s not really time to get frustrated and radically change everything; it’s just time to keep going. Trust that with a little bit better effort, my path will get me where I want to go.

(pinterest)
(source: pinterest)

What about you? What goals are you striving to reach that maybe seem further away than you’d like? Is it possible you are making progress, be it ever so slow? Let me encourage you to keep at it, no matter what it is. Maybe reevaluate to make sure the goal is still worthy of your attention, still serving you, then reexamine your methods and take a deep breath. Start fresh or regather your energies and resources and just keep going. I bet you are getting there, slow though it may seem. Remember what you want most and keep a long view. Be patient, persistent, and positive.

Thanks for checking in, friends! See you soon for kitchen notes, farm updates, and more.

XOXOXOXO