Lazy W Marie

Carpeing all the diems in semi-rural Oklahoma...xoxo

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Some Nights, For Dante

   I heard this song for the first time about a month ago and it immediately struck me in my gut for my nephew Dante. Then for so many other loved ones, but mostly for him. It knocked the wind out of me in that way that only incredibly well versed songs can do, songs that are belted out from someone else’s soul. The lyrics are spot on, especially the very last little selection at the bottom here…


Well, some nights I wish that this all would end,
Cause I could use some friends for a change
And some nights I’m scared you’ll forget me again.
Some nights, I always win, I always win.

But I still wake up, I still see your ghost.
Oh Lord I’m still not sure what I stand for, oh
What do I stand for? What do I stand for?
Most nights, I don’t know…

So this is it? I sold my soul for this?
Washed my hands of that for this?
I missed my mom and dad for this?

Do you know this song? Take a listen to the video; the group FUN is my latest obsession.

My heart is breaking for my sister
and this con that she calls “love,”
When  I look into my nephew’s eyes,
Man you wouldn’t believe…
The most amazing things
That can come from some terrible lies.

   There, that last sentence… Dante, baby, you wouldn’t believe the most amazing things that can come from some terrible lies. I have seen it in my own life, honey.

   It’s just so true. Life can be, and often is, riddled with violence of every variety. Physical, emotional, and financial destruction are in store for everyone in different ways. Pain, despair, and counterfeits are just constants sometimes, but so is love. So is hope. There is always, always reason to hang on. Impossibly, some of the best miracles really do rise up out of some of the worst tragedies. It’s always been that way for people, too, so there is no use resisting it. There is no such thing as “should” or “deserves” or even “justice” when it comes to Love. It is just so powerful and complete. It overwhelms every imaginable darkness when you let it. Love can heal you, and It can change you and your life in ways would never predict.

   Dante… My heart is breaking for my sister, your beautiful Mom, and I think about her and you and your own little sisters every single day.

   I have been looking into your beautiful, deep brown eyes since you were a baby and cherish every memory. How I wish I could relay to you how much is waiting for you in this world. I am so excited for you, so confident that you are meant for big things. So hopeful that you will heal perfectly from these years. Stronger than ever and full of life.

   Don’t be afraid of ghosts, and don’t feel bad about anger. Remember that you are not alone. Focus on and magnify the best parts of life, day after day after day. Hang on. Work hard and do your best, as a gift to your future self more than anything. But also because it will help you in this moment too. You are amazing and you are loved more than you know.

“Who, being loved, is poor?”
~Oscar Wilde
xoxoxoxo

Diamonds, Dreams, and Worry Doors

   My morning coffee is often the perfect time to browse through inspirational quotes and essays, opening my mind and heart to those morsels of wisdom that just click into some struggle happening within me. Today offered such a moment of serendipity, and I’d like to share it with you. I hope you’ll join the conversation.

“You rush from room to room 
hunting for the diamond necklace
already around your neck.” ~Rumi

   It floors me. How common is this? With such enormous appetites for everything from food to material luxuries and even friendships or romance, how often are we chasing after more than we need, or how often do we fail to notice dreams that have already come true? I know I am guilty of this from time to time. And not just when we frequent the Friday Night country auction, though that is a great example. I mean, I don’t care what Pinterest says… A person only needs so many rusted antique milk cans or empty wooden frames that want to be painted turquoise…

   We can accumulate more than we need in many areas of life, continuing to pursue duplicates or poor imitations of treasures already at our feet.

   Handsome and I watched a news segment this morning about a pink diamond ring being auctioned off for charity, at a ridiculous value. The female news anchors, doing their jobs, oohed and ahhed over the sparkly bauble then took turns trying it on. They each slipped it on their wedding ring fingers where beautiful diamond rings already sat. This really bothered me, that a woman would put another diamond ring where her wedding ring sits, just because the second ring is pretty. To each her own, but really. To me, that speaks volumes.

   Then about ten minutes later I read the above quote from Rumi, and it lept off the page. Err, phone screen.

   I am not looking for diamond rings, by the way. That was just an interesting coincidence. But this does remind me of a sparkly wrap bracelet I bought about a year and a half ago on a frivolous shopping trip with my friend Marci. It is missing about a third of its stones but is so pretty, and so odd, that I wear it all the time. It cost like nine bucks.

I think this is a necklace, but I usually wrap it a few times around my wrist.

   Anyway, to add yet another layer of coincidence, Marci happened to called me out of the blue yesterday with some of the most encouraging words I have heard in a long time.

   Read into this as much or as little as suits you, but for me I am taking all of this as a big, happy clue to examine my yearnings. Do you remember the Worry Door story, and how it is supposed to be closed tight, forever?  What phantoms do I still allow to creep up and and terrify me, and what dreams am I still chasing frantically, that perhaps have already come true?

Thrifty stuff update: That painting now sits on my writing desk upstairs in the Apartment;
that gray & white tiered stand has served about three hundred cookies by now;
and those paper white bulbs are finally planted and proudly displaying three inch green sprouts! 

   I have this slightly weird belief that some prayers can be answered in advance, at a far distance; they just take a little time to become visible. That is when faith bridges the distance, the waiting period.

   That is when I have to trust that the diamond necklace I am hunting in every room is already around my neck. Or my wrist. So I just close my eyes and imagine it. And give thanks for it. And stop hunting. And allow the Worry Door to remain closed.

   What phantoms chase you around, trying to terrify you and fling open your Worry Door? Let it stay closed, man. What dream are you pursuing, hunting like a diamond necklace in every room? Perhaps it is already around your neck.Or your wrist. I’m not suggesting that worry has no place in life, or that we should stop dreaming big dreams. Just that sometimes it’s good to stop and notice how abundantly blessed we already are, and how many treasures already belong to us.

Be Happy.
And if You Have a Friend Like Marci, 
Give Her a Hug.
xoxoxo

Storms, Tap Roots, and Looking Up

Check it out you guys! Later today I am guest posting 
over at sweet Edie’s community blog, lifeingracegirls
So fun! I have admired Edie’s personal blog for a few years now 
and have gleaned from her tons of inspiration and enouragement, 
from books to faith to redecorranging.
Please join the fun over there and meet some of the other ladies too!

********************

 I was zoned out running in the back field Wednesday morning, listening to either Eminem or Godsmack or something else equally endorphonish, when something caught my eye. It startled me actually, although I have seen it a thousand times before. It was this tree and its giant root system, exposed to the sky…

This photo was taken immediately after the tornado.
You can see that the pine needles still face the tree’s original “up.”
Today they point towards the sky.

   A little over two years ago, a large and very strong tornado barreled up the western slope of our farm, thrashing the trees and ground but (fortunately) just grazing our house. Despite seeing the rain-wrapped beast with my own eyes through the kitchen window, it happened so quickly that we barely understood what it was until the next morning. Because, seriously, around here the wind comes sweeping down the plain a lot! Like, a 40 mph gust could be called breezy.

   Handsome and I walked around our property and discovered tree after tree either snapped off at the ground or skinned naked of bark. Fences were tangled. All kinds of debris (both our and our neighbors‘) were scattered everywhere. We found just exactly what Oklahomans expect to find after a tornado, only thankfully this time our house and our animals were more or less in tact. So thankful.

So much of the nearby forests was stripped down to stubble.
This poor family lost their entire roof, and many others lost much more.
We were so blessed to take a hit and only replace shingles.

   Okay, so that is why that tree looks this way. I am quirky, but I would never plant a tree in this position on purpose. I swear it was a tornado, you guys.

   What is fascinating to me is that after two years of being toppled and having its almost feathery and so crucial root system exposed to our extreme conditions (sub zero winters, triple digit summers, record breaking drought), this pine tree is alive. More than alive, really, it seems to be thriving, albeit in a slightly different posture than before.

   It is not thriving just because it has a good attitude, though I do personally believe that plants can pose themselves positively or negatively in this world. Why are goat-head stickers so hostile?!? Neither is it thriving because anyone drags the water hose and a bucket of manure out there every other day and keeps its nest of roots moist and fed. DUH. I do not have that much free time!

   This tree is thriving because its tap root runs deep and sure. It reaches far beyond the parched dust of the sandy back field. It runs several meters past where the cruelest winds might whip it silly.This tree is in touch with something deep and sustaining enough for it to grow under the most unlikely circumstances.

   Also, in addition to becoming strikingly beautiful in a brand new way, I see that now this pine tree’s exposed roots have become a shelter for small animals. The vacancy created by what was lost has become a home and solace for something else. If that’s not beautiful, you guys, I don’t know what is.

   What about us? How well established are our roots, and how vicious a storm can we withstand and still thrive, still grow? Even if some of the peripheral attachments we make in life are torn out and exposed to deadly elements, are we securely tapped into something more permanent? Can we enjoy many more seasons of new growth and beauty? Where do we face, towards the past or upwards?

   Personally, I can point to each trauma in my life so far and recall whether at that time I felt peace or fear. I can also remember how I fared in the wake of each storm, whether I crumpled into myself, risking dehydration and decomposition…or whether I was deeply fed enough to just turn my face upward and change direction.

   My connection to that deep Source of Life has been tested lately. So I am unreasonably happy to have noticed that tree today. I am so grateful to see its unusual beauty, its new bright green pine needles, the yoga pose it does all day as the sun moves over the back field. I am reminded that life’s features and posture change, sometimes permanently, but it all remains beautiful.

   Stay connected, friends, to the best stuff. Find Love and Truth and never let go. If (when) a storm topples you but you are still alive and connected to that fountain of Life that never runs dry, then you have hope for life, beauty, and joy. You might even be used for a purpose you never imagined.

“Surviving is Important;
Thriving is Elegant.”
~Maya Angelou
xoxoxoxo

Urgent Prayer Request for Savannah

   Friends, please stop and take time as soon as possible to pray for this beautiful, sweet little girl. Her name is Savannah. She needs a touch from God immediately, and her wonderful, loving parents need Him too.

“And the prayer of faith shall save the sick, 
and the Lord shall raise him up…”
~James 5:15

“I shall not die, but live, and 
declare the works of the Lord.”
~Psalm 118:17

“Then shall thy light break forth as the morning,
and thine health shall spring forth speedily:
and thy righteousness shall go before thee;
the glory of the Lord shall be thy reward.”
~Isaiah 58:8

Thank you so much!
God is able.
xoxoxo

40 Days Till Easter

   Springtime is high season for me. This is when everything greens up and things start to bloom. This is when the house is cleanest and my mind freshest. My birthday rolls around. And Easter approaches. I love Easter even more than Christmas, for a million reasons. Do you?
   Easter is when promises are kept. Easter is the fulfillment of hope and the answer to hard wrought prayers. It is a wonderful time for healing and forgiveness. It is the time of every single year of life that we can celebrate the light that follows darkness. Without fail, and independent of anything we do, springtime warms us up and gets our hearts thumping again. And Easter is the culmination of all the waiting, all the spiritual dormancy, all the deadness.
   This year I want to be ready. In yet another bizarre way, God is whispering to my heart a hidden meaning behind our childlessness… that I should be redeeming my time more wisely, not just filling it up. Not just comforting myself or wishing the weeks away. The hours that might otherwise be spent on coloring eggs and shopping for frothy Easter dresses can be spent studying the Word and preparing my heart for miracles.
“God is eagerly waiting for the chance 
to answer your prayers and fulfill your dreams, 
just as He always has. 
But He can’t do it if you don’t pray, 
and He can’t do it if you don’t dream. 
In short, He can’t do it if you don’t believe.”
~ Jeffrey R. Holland 

   I am not sure I agree with Mr. Holland’s word choice here, saying that there’s anything God can’t do, but I certainly agree and believe that the Lord wants a relationship with each of us, privately and permanently and apart from worldly tethers, and so we need to seek Him. That’s our part. Praying, dreaming, hoping, trusting, believing in His goodness above all else, far beyond pain. And in doing so we are assured that He will be there with strong, capable, powerful, merciful, loving open arms.
   And by the way, YES. God has already answered so many big, incredible prayers for us! Why would I ever stop believing in Him? So many dreams are already fulfilled, I get chills to reflect on where we are in life, on how much love already surrounds us. These yet unanswered longings, these fears which remain, are only scabbed over by my own limitations. He has the power to heal all of it, to work miracles I cannot even imagine! Same goes for you and your heart, whatever it is that you’re hoping for or against, He already knows.
   As late winter stretches and yawns herself into the dawn of another springtime, the life giving tremors of Easter are very real to me. Regret over wasted time and spiritual deadness is finally evaporating under the warmth of hope. The busy-keeping activity of recent months, trying to work away pain and over and over again struggling to make sense of things in my own weak ways, is being replaced with a craving for spiritual activity, seeking what He wants me to seek and discovering His power again.
“Let the past sleep, but let it sleep 
on the bosom of Christ, and go out into 
the irresistible future with Him.”
~Oswald Chambers from My Utmost for His Highest
   Lest we get too awfully serious this morning, below is a photo of Tomato the rooster. You know, spring chickens and all. He was only a few weeks old when this photo was taken, and my nephew Zane (well, Zane is *sort of* my nephew, and I love him so much) named him not knowing this feathery creature’s gender. I think it’s a perfect name. You may notice that Tomato got a bright red talon polishing that day, too, which may or may not have affected his personality in the long run. That was two years ago.   
   Nowadays Tomato runs free and wild when the sun is out. His rooster comb is a little wonky, which helps me tell him apart from the others. This is good because his full grown talons have lost their red glamour and we have several white and black roosters. Tomato can be a trouble maker, but we think he’s cool.
   However you observe Ash Wednesday, whatever your rituals are for preparing for Easter, springtime, or just another fresh new day of being alive, I wish you the very best. I wish you a long, wide view of the world, a closeness to Love,  and renewed hope for the biggest miracles you crave! Paint your talons red if it thrills you, and be happy. You are loved, and big things are waiting.
“I sought the Lord, and he heard me, and delivered me from all my fears.”
~Psalm 34:4
xoxoxo