Lazy W Marie

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another feather in his cap: Joe’s first marathon

On December 10, 2022, our brother Joe ran his first marathon! He casually threw this accomplishment into the mix of an already busy and stressful, highly textured, and wildly successful life. Joe is Commander and Public Works Officer for the Naval Facilities Engineering Systems Command in Rota, Spain. He and his wife Halee, the green eyed, raven haired sister our blonde, brown eyed crew gained by marriage, have been globetrotting for all of their two decades long marriage. They have been busy raising their two boys in so many amazing places our Navy has seen fit to send them.

Halee and Joe at the Seabee Ball in Spain, March 2023…xoxo

Active in various athletic pursuits all his life, Joe is not exclusively a runner; but he certainly has the discipline for long term, hard training. He has ran at least two half marathons, one in Spain (a year ago, the same event as the full he just completed) and one before, while stationed in Virginia. Both were successful.

For the Virginia half he followed the famously difficult Hansons training plan. During those months he and I commiserated quite a bit, as I was dabbling with Hansons then, too. We learned together along the way, though living many states apart, and traded weird details about daily life that mostly only runners would care about. I was so inspired by his strong finish and adherence to that plan! I clearly remember one conversation in review of Hansons when my younger and more stoic brother pointed out that the only way to honestly evaluate a training plan is to stick to it scrupulously, to give it your best and most honest effort. Otherwise, how can you say it was the plan that either passed or failed?

super speedy half marathon in 2019

For this last training block, Joe flew much more under the radar. Not a single announcement on Facebook about his paces or goal or inspired reason for running, no Babe Ruth homerun declarations, nothing. That autumn I noticed his Garmin activities building volume and suspected he had something up his sleeve, but Joe has this aura of mystery about him, like a wild (if highly disciplined) horse who doesn’t want to be caught, so I resisted the urge to ask anything directly. I just made a few oblique comments here and there and secretly used the Law of Attraction to get him to open up. Finally he messaged me very casually about having signed up for his first marathon. Wahoo!! From that moment on I stalked his workouts like a weirdo and coordinated our far flung family to surprise him with something fun on race day, since he was halfway around the globe and we couldn’t be there with posters, cowbells, and refreshments (more on this remote surprise soon).

Watching Joe’s fitness build during those weeks was both motivating and humbling, because I have at least a glancing idea of how much other responsibility he carries in life. Anyone who trains for a marathon knows that those few hours on race day are a drop in the bucket compared to the months of time and energy spent preparing. Training never happens in a vacuum.

Anyway, suffice it to say, I love my brother so much. We have been mistaken for twins several times, and I always take it as a compliment.

We forgot which of us was which in this history making face swap.

But if were twins, I know he would be the smarter (and faster) one. I would be the one slightly better at gardening and diagramming sentences, possibly baking. He is an inspiration to me in a hundred ways, and I feel so happy that we share a love of running and a sincere curiosity about the art and science of marathoning.

After his race, in fact after the holidays, I got him to agree to a short interview to indulge all of my curiosities. What a fun thrill for me to finally share this story, in his words! Enjoy!!

Joe and his first born son, our nephew Greg, approaching the finish line!!
What a cool moment to share with each other xoxo

1. When did you decide to train for a marathon, and was there an event or moment that inspired you? Is this a basket list thing? I won’t claim it was a lifelong goal, but after having run a few half marathons, I felt it was inevitable, I just didn’t know when. I didn’t do any real structured training from 2020 into 2021, but then ran a half that December with only moderate training. The course was flat and weather was mild. So when the race organizers emailed out reminders the following spring (2022), I decided to go for the full this time somewhat on a whim. That gave me more than six months to prep, which seemed doable.

2. You used a very different training program than you used for your half in Virginia. Tell me why you chose a different plan, how they compared, etc. If you run another full, will you prepare the same way, go back to Hansons, or something else? I knew I couldn’t dedicate six days per week to a program this time. I had other commitments and desires, including military group PT (physical training) a couple times per week, a personal desire to lift weights, and a full plate otherwise. So I chose a plan that included only four days per week. It was one step above one of the real first-timer plans, but not much. If I decide to run another full, I would like to improve, so I think going back to the Hanson method is a good likelihood as it does seem like an effective method. Which means I will need to have the time and (mental) energy to do a plan like that!

3. What did you do for cross training? Were you running paces at current fitness or beyond (how did you set your goal)? I went to a group workout 1-2 times per week as part of my duties, which sometimes was a short run (usually 3 mi., which I’d substitute into my plan), or a body weight circuit, or even team sports. As I got into the last 8-ish weeks, I would opt out more often to save myself for the long runs and to recover more. I also tried to lift weights a couple times per week. Similarly, I stopped that in the last 4-6 weeks. My running was mostly pretty slow. 1-2 minutes per mile slower than my goal. That usually allowed an easy recovery. Looking back, I can see how much my sleep pattern wasn’t ideal. Mostly 5-6 hrs per night. I know better now. Maybe. I set my goal somewhat arbitrarily. I thought a 4-hr marathon would be an awesome baseline, and it’s a time you often see as a benchmark goal for amateurs, so I did the math and figured out that’s about a 9-min pace. A little slower actually. I’ve run sub-8 pace half marathons, so even though I wasn’t in that shape then, I thought it was achievable. Now I know that was too ambitious, or that I would have needed to pick a more aggressive training plan to have gotten there.

4. Did your training block go as expected or as planned? Tell me about any significant hiccups. Tell me about any pleasant surprises, too. Tell me how your confidence and motivation fluctuated as training progressed. Overall, it went relatively smoothly. No major hiccups. Looking back, maybe I took it too easy. I did get sick for a few days a couple times in the second half and had to adapt the plan. I missed a few runs, including a 13-mi long run. But that was actually a step down week, sandwiched between 18 and 19 mi long runs, so I thought it wasn’t a worst case scenario. The only on-road hiccup I recall was during my longest training run, a 20 miler three weeks before the race. The 19 mi run had gone well and was a confidence booster, but I was sick again a couple days later, so I missed 1 or 2 shorter runs. I felt mostly better by the weekend, and ran the 20-miler just a couple days late. In the last few miles of that run, my digestive track really started throwing a fit. I was searching for concealment and hopefully a discarded cloth to clean up just in case. Fortunately, that wasn’t necessary and after a few minutes pause I was able to shuffle home the last couple miles. That’s when I started my 3-wk taper, not exactly on a high. Probably wasn’t fully recovered from being sick.

5. I know your race day was cold and rainy. How was the weather as you trained, overall? Did the weather in Spain change much over those weeks? I picked this race partially because of the weather. December (and fall in general) is mild in southern Spain. I knew it should be in the 50s on race day, which was about reality. The rain was always a possibility, but of course I was hoping for dry. Rain definitely makes your shirt and shoes heavy. I fared well through it, but I did get a couple of blisters on my feet late in the course, which took over a month to fully heal. My training plan had started in late July, so I went from running in the 70s to the 50s (I ran in the early morning 99% of the time). Very easy place to run year round. Very small percentage of time you can blame the weather for not training, so you have to get creative with your excuses!

6. Who was your training partner, and how did their marathon experience compare? I ran solo pretty much the entire training plan, but had signed up for the race with a Navy buddy, Chris, who had done the same half in 2021 with me. He’s a talented runner that generally just wings it (my perception of course, but I know he doesn’t follow a rigid plan). Chris has run a few marathons and is pretty consistent year round. So he ramped up for the race and crushed it. Well under his stated 4-hour goal (sub 3:40), pretty sure a PR for him. He’s also modest, so he may not have admitted his target out loud. By complete coincidence, another Navy friend, Ben, was deployed here and ran the marathon as well. Ben is an even more experienced runner who has run countless marathons, definitely in the low 3s, likely has a sub 3 under his belt. But more importantly, he also ran my first half marathon with me back in 2004; another chilly rainy race. We never saw each other on the course, but it was a cool happenstance.

7. What was your race day breakfast, what shoes did you wear, and what was your post race meal? Breakfast was coffee, two pieces of bread (no toaster in the hotel) with peanut butter and a banana. Very close to my pre-long-run meals. I ran in Altra Provision 5. Post race, we went to a local restaurant/brewery… I don’t remember what I ordered, maybe a burger? But I do remember we had quite a feast before getting on the road to drive home. I was a little worried about sitting in the back seat with two 12-yr olds for three hours. But I survived. The adults agreed that we’d stop to stretch out if needed. Never had to after all.

Joe and Greg in Malaga, Spain, for race weekend…xoxo
Their hotel boasted a hot tub that was not heated, ha!
This would have made for better recovery than pre-race relaxation.

8. Did you know that Greg was going to cross the finish line with you? What was that moment like? It was very cool to see Greg at the finish and I loved that he wanted to do that. Didn’t know if I’d see him at all. Since Halee wasn’t able to come, Greg was hanging out with Chris’s wife and son (TJ and Isaac, one of our social circle’s staple families here in Spain). And due to the rain, it was unpredictable how much time they’d be spending road-side.

9. How was your physical recovery? To say I was spent is an understatement. I guess you could say I hit the wall during the race. Felt great through 17 or 18 miles, then digressed and had to force myself to finish. So I didn’t run at all for a couple weeks. The first week was just true rest/recovery, which was needed and effective. Then we had our holiday vacation to London the next weekend. So lot’s of walking in London for four or five days, but still no running. Got in a handful of runs starting in late December into January, but have mostly started focusing on lifting weights again. I thought I’d stick to three days of running per week as an ”off-season,” but haven’t got that rhythm going yet.

10. When is your next marathon, and can it be with me? : ) Soon as I realized I wouldn’t meet my goal, I started wondering if I’d “need” to do another one, or if I was going to be happy with having just survived one. Before the race, I even had thoughts that I might enjoy ultra training more. I do enjoy the long slow runs. But marathon training is a serious time commitment, where the long runs become a big part of every weekend. So with our move back to the States on the horizon, I don’t have any races in mind. I could see myself doing a couple more half marathons first. There are tons of races in the DC area and nearby, so I know there will be plenty of opportunity to develop a strategy, and lots of places to explore, potentially on long runs! I imagine I’ll do another full someday and would love to do it together! Maybe we can make it a destination race, or just have you out to DC for a race out there. The Marine Corps marathon is a big one that we may have to consider…

Thank you, brother, for sharing your marathon experience with us! You did a phenomenal job, and you managed to make it a family memory too. I love you, I am so happy for you, and I miss you like crazy. I am already scheming ways to get to the east coast once you relocate, so we can race MCM together.

XOXOXOXO

BW part 3: take me to bed or lose me forever

First, let’s do that circling back I promised regarding BW’s take on villainry.

We covered in the second interview installment that Brandy regards most villains in most stories to be the better character for four solid reasons. We also established that if anyone ever considers him to be the villain in their story, that he would take it as a compliment to his efficiency, among other things. Let’s further explore his controversial views on The Walking Dead, specifically how he views Rick versus Negan, as leaders.

“Rick was weak and worthless as a leader.” Ha! Suffice it to say that BW cannot stand that character. He describes the man as having no vision, not being a unifier, and just bad at preparing for contingencies. As for Negan, BW asserts that aside from the shocking baseball bat scene when Glenn died so brutally, everyone would (or should) admire the rebel for the community he had built, for the hierarchy he maintained, for his people’s safety, etc. Of course Negan also wore a black leather jacket, was smart, fun, and unapologetic, all qualities we know BW believes are any villain’s advantages. “People say they want a swift system (of justice) but in the moment they are scared of it. You’ve gotta remember the context.” We spoke at length about how the baseball bat scene forever stained Negan’s popularity for viewers. I wondered about BW’s own human flaw, how he might lose favor with his people.

Are there takeaways here for your own career? Do you have a baseball bat which you are cautious to use, however right it may seem? “In my professional career I soft serve disappointment quite often, because I know some people cannot handle it.” He usually tries to “coach people up” constructively, when inwardly he might be inclined toward a more direct and maybe vicious redirection. BW’ baseball bat is his word choice. He also chooses not to take vengeance legally or physically on people who have hurt our loved ones.

So where does all that Negan energy go? How do you redirect it? “Lots of yelling in traffic or at TV. shows.”

Now let’s look at how he identifies with the cool car element.

If you know Brandy even just a little, you know he is a car guy. He understands cars and car culture. He appreciates a wide variety of makes and eras. And he is a skilled mechanic and body guy. It’s a passion by which he has come honestly, as both of his parents were also avid and talented hot-rodders.  Besides Harvey and Judy, many of Brandy’s favorite people over the years have been car folks, the salt of the earth people you meet at car shows and in little garages. So many instant friends over the years.

And he freely admits to having “a little problem” with collecting cars. As an adult, Brandy’s vehicular collection has expanded and evolved almost monthly. He is always buying and selling something to satisfy a new curiosity, so much so that our friends and family often joke that they don’t know what to expect us to be driving. We have a farm full of treasures already, but I know he is always looking to the high-octane horizon.

What other cars are still on your wish list? An A-Team van, a General Lee, and a Mach 5 (from Speed Racer, please refer to his one unfulfilled career longing). For this project he would use a 1972-1980 Corvette, dirt cheap base, and go from there.

Until recently, he would have included a Batmobile on his bucket list, but during Pandemic he actually built one! Slowly, frugally, and with limitless passion and ingenuity, our very own Batman transformed the rusted shell of a 1964 Ford Thunderbird into his very own childhood dream come true.  

What are your intentions are for using this gorgeous product of your blood, sweat, and tears? “Get it to run well enough that we can easily drive it places, have it at the circle drive in the Bethany Children’s Hospital, seeing kids climbing on and sitting in it. Doctors or nurses can hold kids, drive ‘em around, have fun, no worries. Just purely there for the kids.” This man has a heart for children who are suffering and missing out on the fun parts of childhood due to illness, abuse, or disadvantage. “That’s the only plan,” he continued, “Parades would be just for fun, not the purpose.”

We commiserated on how much both his Mom and his Grandma would have loved this Batmobile. They both loved cars and racing, and together they sewed him literally hundreds of different Batman capes and costumes over the years.

How many Batman costumes do you have now, as an adult? “Total of 5. There’s the ‘89 Keaton armor, Desert Batman, Batman Begins UD replica, Arkham Knight UD replica, and the Affleck (Nightmare Batman).”

I asked this man whose outer world has endured so many changes over the years, how does he address God?  “Depends. Sometimes it’s the old structured prayer of, Heavenly Father, and having the conversation. I’d say more often than not, my conversations with God just happen in the moment. And it’s just like talking to Him… asking for help or comfort or peace, or to control my temper when I’m going in somewhere difficult. Unfortunately, that’s probably 90% of my prayers, or just calling someone’s name in my head. You know, it’s hardly ever audible. Nothing wrong with audible, it’s just really more of a thought. An ongoing thought process, a conversation.”

This is quite a departure from his upbringing in a Pentecostal church, where Brandy says he was taught to be “loud when you pray.” But now he says, “It feels more natural to me when I know God can hear my thoughts, and I know He does. And oftentimes when I need Him the most, I’m somewhere I can’t be loud. In the past I would have let that get between (me and) prayer. If I can’t say it aloud it doesn’t matter. It’s a pretty big difference,” he said, one he had never really thought about before.

In the twenty-plus years Brandy and I have shared our lives, we have seen untold beauty and deep joy. We have seen a lot of darkness, too. I have witnessed Brandy ride wave after wave of hurt and disappointment. He has faced so many various crises head on, endured so many fundamental catastrophes that might have destroyed a weaker person, and watched unsinkable ships really truly sink, right before his eyes. Watching his faith-walk from the outside, you might wonder what has stayed true. You might ask what remains of his church life, for example, compared to those decades when he never missed a Sunday, only prayed aloud, and knew what he knew was absolutely true, period. I asked him to articulate some pillars of his faith and non-negotiable beliefs. He answered in a measured way but with conviction:

“Well, I know there is a God, period. The idea of being agnostic or atheist, I just can’t imagine. I’ve felt too many things and frankly seen too many things that I absolutely know there’s a God and I know He hears us. He, She, It, you know, whatever, right?” He laughed, “I know God hears us. That to me is an unshakable faith. I know that when we’re in need He can help.”  Brandy addressed the difference between God being able to help and always doing exactly what we ask of Him. This insight comes up sometimes in our discussion about the Law of Attraction. “Faith is easy, knowing God can.” It’s knowing what God will do that gives Brandy pause.

After more thoughtfulness, he continued: “It’s unshakable to me that we’re supposed to take care of each other. You know, be good to people, I think I’ve probably grown more in understanding that than I ever did before. That’s actually a commandment. It’s not just something we do to feel good. It’s a commandment to take care of people.”

How do you define a miracle? “I think miracles can be big,” he offered matter of factly, having himself witnessed firsthand the disappearance of cancers and many other supernatural events. “I’ve seen the dead raised up.” But also, “I think the more miracles we see are the simple ones. The things that we just don’t expect to happen that are good, the things we shouldn’t receive that we do, the ability to do something we didn’t think we could. The knowledge you didn’t know you needed it, the strength…”

He trailed off, reflecting aloud on the long stream of help God has provided throughout his career. In his work at the Commission, Brandy has for years relied heavily on prayer and miracles. He is a talented leader and proficient solver of complex problems, but he credits much of his ongoing success to a deep wellspring of knowledge and wisdom that is only accessed by prayer. He says that God has been there for Him on steep learning curves when he was brand new to the industry, during intense meetings when important outcomes are at stake and the players are powerful and combative, and in the fabric of innumerable human relationships of every variety. The miracles are big and small, left and right, day after day, year after year. And he is thankful for them all.

He talked about living as if you see miracles in everything, and I completely forgot to ask for his take on the famous Albert Einstein quote about the friendliness or hostility of the universe. But my heart fluttered to be reminded that my husband, for all his pragmatism, chooses to see miracles everywhere, every day.

And yet, this artistic, miracle mining, privately spiritual man still considers himself a pessimist. This is one of the dichotomies that frustrates and infatuates me all at once. Here was our exchange:

“You consider yourself a pessimist still?” I asked.

“Oh, yeah, definitely. I’m always assuming and planning for the worst.” He was a little bit too ready to defend his position.

“But you’re still in awe of miracles.” I challenged him, way too aggressively.

“Well yeah. And they may be that much sweeter to me because of that.” He smirked.

Dammit. Checkmate.

Tell me about paradigm shifts in your life overall. He paused thoughtfully. He acknowledged there have been many over the years then zeroed in on the fallout from his mom’s sudden passing in 2013: She was the glue for their family, and everything changed overnight when she died. Brandy had to delay his own grief to keep things together for his Dad for a time, then the church community fell apart, and finally he had to cope with a brand new realization that the closeness he had always trusted with his Dad was gone, too. It was shattering. “It shook me to my core and made me question everything.”

This massive paradigm shift launched Brandy, maybe against his will at first, into a brand new life perspective, and gradually he cultivated gratitude. He was good at recalibrating, at reinvesting his love and attention in the people who remained, and in finding other outlets for service and worship, with the church gone. He began to see, among other things, that his relationship with God was not dependent on a church building.  “God’s not some floating cloud over a pulpit in a building that only lives in the sanctuary. I feel God as much in a bad meeting when I need Him as I ever did down at an altar praying for hours. It truly feels more like a relationship. Much more accessible now.”

There is still plenty he doesn’t understand, but he feels stronger for it all. “I lost so much family and history but also was freed of baggage and drama, freed of ongoing hurt, of being used.”

He explained how this trauma in his family makes him so much more eager to help strangers, because there are no strings attached; there is just the joy of meeting someone’s needs without being abused or becoming too attached emotionally. “I want to just give people things, feel good, and walk away. Not stick around long enough to be hurt.”

Overall, how was your Pandemic experience? He thought about this for a while and answered solemnly, “There was a lot of hurt and pain with it, the death and sickness, the worry for people, but what (bothered me) was how people treated each other.” The crescendo of day to day fighting on social media greatly dimmed his state of mind in the worst of those first months. He said that it opened his eyes to the fact that people are not always as nice as they appear.

And yet he was happy to see how quickly people adapted for work and stayed productive.

What good came out of the Pandemic, for you? For him personally? “It was a blessing and a miracle to enjoy the gift of a year at home so far from retirement, time to enjoy the farm and our life together.” He said he “will never forget that, makes me envious of people who continue to work from home.” It all left him feeling thankful for our marriage, that we were actually happy during that time. During the spring of 2020, Brandy adapted pretty quickly, shifting naturally into emergency response and big time safety and provision mode. Then, eventually, he relaxed and started creating. Over the course of thousands of conference calls and with a trusty pair of ear buds, he built the Batmobile. He also tackled dozens of infrastructure projects around our property, in the midst of unprecedented (sorry, I couldn’t resist) professional workload.

Pandemic also gave him a deeper appreciation of the Outreach we had been doing previously. Being kept away from the public showed him how much he missed being out and helping people. Overall, despite the obvious heartaches, he will remember the pandemic times fondly. “Lots of goodness came out of it,” he concluded sweetly.

If you were to give a TED Talk, lead a master class, or write a book, what would your big message be to the world?  This question lit a fire. He declared that if he ever finds a solution to the universal problem of wasted energy and ego-driven conflict, that’s what he would share with the world. Brandy laments all the time and energy that gets wasted on petty, short term problems and power struggles over who will get credit for work done by a group or a team. He expressed a deep desire to reinvest that wasted time and energy into things that really matter, into projects that will last longer than six months or into the happiness of children and the cohesion of teams and families.

What mark or monument do you want to have left on the world? He paused a while before answering then said, “Well, high level, I hope to leave things better than I found them, and not in insignificant ways. I hope that by the time I die there are still people who love me.” And he paused again, his voice heavier when he spoke again, “I hope to have created something that made life better for people, ongoing.” We talked about that for a while, and he explained that he doesn’t want all the stress and sacrifices we are enduring now to be for nothing. He also elaborated on the ripple effect, day dreaming aloud about the hope that helping one young family could lead to someone gaining an education and using their life to help the world at large in even bigger ways.

Arranging fun activities and making happy memories for children is vital to him because he had such a great childhood. He treasures his countless good experiences as a little boy and teenager and wants to spread that to other children who seem to be missing out on their youth. Simple joys and life pleasures can mean something lasting, and he wants to push that energy out into the world, for strangers, for loved ones, for anyone who will receive it.

Beyond that, he hopes to develop employees who go on to develop other people, and maybe there will be a small vein of better managers out there, “People who will learn how to treat people well while still driving excellence.”

Our conversation turned to Jocelyn and Jessica, who are quickly approaching ages 27 and 25, respectively. He hopes to have taught our girls things that will actually benefit them, hopes to have passed on the best of his generational gifts. We were robbed of so many years with them, so he craves lots of it now and believes there is still time for everything that matters. He always seizes a random chance to help in practical ways or talk openly and boldly about the hard things, because we know all too well that time is not promised.

Brandy freely admits he would have answered these questions so differently 20 years ago. He used to be more concerned about cash, credit ratings, and so many other financial measurements. While he may be less worried about those markers now, he does say there is never enough money. We have more than enough for ourselves, but the resources do not match his drive to make a difference in others people’s lives. There is always more to do for people, always further ways to serve.

What are your mottos and mantras?  “Choose Joy, Love all the People, Go Be Kind, Be the Change, Teamwork Makes the Dream Work,  and Ubuntu (me/we, I am because we are).” Besides a classic Bat symbol, “Me/We” is the only tattoo he would seriously consider.   

Then I asked, what are the Great White Buffalos in your life? He immediately balked. He claimed, despite having watched Hot Tub Time Machine with me multiple times, to not understand my question. I even whispered great white buffalo dramatically, and still he evaded me. Eventually he laughed and said that he could not think of anything in life that he hasn’t just “made to happen.” I actually love this.

As we wrapped up our long conversation, I asked what questions were you worried I might ask you? This man laughed and said without hesitation, “I thought you would ask me more about girls.” Ha!

And that, friends just about sums it up.
XOXOXOXO

BW part 2: the people who loved him into being

Thank you for checking in for part two of my interview with Handsome, aka BW, my amazing husband and the Lazy W artist in residence! If you haven’t seen part one yet, click over and enjoy.

Fred Rogers provided us all the notion of calling upon and thanking all the people from your life who “loved you into being.” I asked Brandy about his, and he surprised me with mentions of not only family mentors but also friends, people whose influence shaped important parts of his personality.

Brandy named childhood friends Larry, Rob, and Erin, who all showed him how to be comfortable, how to get “out of the house and out of the rut,” so much so that Brandy says they all three ruined him for adult friendships, ha! Now he gauges bonds based on how easy and natural they feel and by the absence of drama or competition, as he enjoyed with these guys.

Mrs. Boren was a next door neighbor all throughout Brandy’s life, a woman just slightly older than his parents who nestled herself into his young heart in myriad ways. Family legend includes a particular time in Brandy’s grade school years when she assured him that, “Sometimes a boy’s gotta do what a boy’s gotta do,” referring to the rare but righteous necessity of a fistfight when standing up to a bully. She offered this wisdom quite against what his Mom had already said, but she never backed down from it. As often as this sweet story has been told over the years, Brandy insists it represents the tip of the iceberg of Mrs. Boren’s influence. He said she was always available on her front porch when he got home from school, even in his high school and college years, ready to listen. She would offer him a cup of coffee and gently press stories and good values into his willing ears. She provided a safe and unchanging place for him, his whole life. She grew apples and roses. He describes her as being, “Soft with her flowers but hardcore in fighting for what was right.” My goodness this became a pillar of his character.

Anyone who knows Brandy also either knew his Mom, Judy, or has heard enough stories about her to feel like they were friends. Deeply influential to her youngest child, she was the person who bestowed on him his “tilting at windmills” tendency. She was often up in arms, impassioned for one cause or another, always ardently defending the defenseless, throwing all of her worldly resources (as well as what spiritual resources she could access by prayer) at whatever crisis had presented itself that day, for friends and family and even strangers. Like Brandy, Judy never knew when to say, “That’s not my problem.” It was both a blessing and a curse for her, as it is now for her baby boy. Judy was a joyful welcomer to everyone at holidays, as Brandy strives to be. She was also a music lover, a sometime street racer, and a fearless conservative happy to mobilize for any local candidate she deemed worthy. Brandy continues living with so much of her influence. He also has her laugh, which since her passing in 2013 has often caught me quite off guard.

Brandy described his Dad, Harvey, as a willing worker, a man who would be out there in the trenches with his guys, wearing an owner-manager’s shirt and tie, shunning the comfortable office chair to instead help mount a bumper or spray a car with paint. He said his dad worked so hard that he was constantly in trouble for ruining his clothes. Harvey taught his son by example to never ask your employees to do anything you aren’t willing to do. As a result, Harvey’s employees always cared about him.

Brandy meandered around these memories a bit, laughing to recall how often he had witnessed his Dad arguing with dishonest customers to defend his employees. Hindsight gives Brandy this appreciation: “Dad ran every business he was in the same way, whether it was owning the body shop, running the police department, the Sherriff’s Department, dealerships, he made sure the employees knew he was working with them.”

I would say the same about Harvey’s son. He proves year after year, crisis after crisis, and in every imaginable kind of work environment that he is more than willing to be right there in the thick of it all, never assigning anyone to do what he is unwilling to do. As with Harvey and his shop, Brandy’s team cares about him greatly. Both men have always been protective of their people, maybe to a fault, unafraid of conflicts with the public or with outside forces. I think their industries are much better for these passed down traits, even if the appearance sometimes makes them unpopular.

Brandy’s upbringing had an especially vivid religious coloration (matched only by his spiritual evolution as an adult, which we address in part 3). I asked him about the formation of this part of his personality. He thought for a moment and said, “I was born into it, more than anything. It was the central theme, with only a close second of politics in my life. It was probably formed as much with Grandma’s (influence) as it was Mom’s.” He reflected and explored some memories aloud for a few minutes then shared something beautiful about his Grandma Goldie, who was the Pastor and preacher of his childhood church congregation: “Just everything Grandma did was spiritually motivated, and she wasn’t preachy about it. She just lived that way. She exuded spirituality, it was beautiful.”

Goldie Goddard was a formative role model for him in many ways, including but certainly not limited to the church house. I only knew her for a few years, but she made a deep and beautiful impression on me, too. Her legacy is vibrant. Which of Grandma Goldie’s qualities do you think you inherited? He thought quietly for several moments, offering a few warm hums while he thought about her. “Boy that’s hard to say,” he finally broke the silence, “To think that you’ve picked anything up from someone like her is hard to imagine, because she was just so cool.” Another long pause, then, “The way she loved to have fun, she really did, she was someone who loved to have a good time and loved to be silly. She loved dress up. She loved making costumes, I think I got that from her.” He remembers sitting and playing in his Grandma’s sewing room, “just making something out of nothing, you know she loved that.” Goldie also loved video games, which Brandy certainly still does. She taught him to play, to play with kids, to enjoy and embrace the fun luxuries of modern life, despite what people might assume about her being a conservative female preacher. “She enjoyed TV more than she let on. Driving! You know, she loved cars.”

Goldie was a stellar home cook who established many of Brandy’s present day food obsessions. “Yeah, the food. The sugar. God she loved sugar. I got my sugar tooth from her probably!” Dear reader, to this day, if I make his Mom’s famous lemon ice box pie recipe, I hand the empty but still thickly coated cans of sweetened condensed milk to my husband, and he almost always tells a story about Grandma Goldie. I love it. Eagle Brand Time Machine.

He had still more to say about this woman, specifically about her marriage to his Grandpa Eddie: “I noticed their relationship before I noticed Mom and Dad. You know, as a kid you don’t really appreciate your parents’ love relationship, but I noticed Grandma and Grandpa were different. They were just always so loving, and so lovey-dovey, you know smooching and holding hands, all the time. It was okay to be good to each other. They were one of the few couples like that, who really loved to do for each other, not just one doing for the other… They did for each other constantly. And loved to, you can tell.”

What qualities do you admire in other people? BW was hesitant to answer this at first. He claims to often have trouble seeing the good in people out in society, but taking the question less abstractly helped. As he explored his heart for the people in his own life, the words and affection flowed.

Brandy gushed about our friend Meredith’s passionate love, the way she “lives the gospel of support and love, beyond just words.” He included Mer’s parents, Tom and Raylene, citing how much they love each and how they demonstrate their church’s motto, “Love All the People.” BW described this couple as “passionate in their spirituality,” and I could not agree more.

He talked about his friend and employee Geoff’s innocent, well meaning drive to help, not for any gain but just truly to be a help. Another colleague, Mark, possesses calm and reserve which Brandy admires. Those traits are a great cooling balm to Brandy’s constantly hot spirit at work. Maribeth taught him that you can be the smartest person in the room but not act like it. She showed him how to “help people in ways that doesn’t make them feel stupid.”

More friends filled his mind, David and Keri. This is a couple with longevity and endurance. They have been through hell and are still grieving so much. “They are open about their pain. They show their pain, they are still strong and strong together and love each other and love their community. They set very high standards from other people and are not ashamed of that.” He admires how David and Keri have managed to set up a force field of well being around their home. He thinks it’s admirable to value your peace and center so much that you can speak up for your needs and stand up for your values.

Now he was unstoppable. He sat up a little straighter as he listed people in his life and their good qualities.

He talked about Brandon and his “undying desire to be the first to passionately give.” Also Dennis, who has seen and done so much in his life yet is passive about his knowledge and experience. “Sometimes we forget what he is capable of, because Dennis doesn’t have to be at the center of anyone’s attention. He’s happy to let others take the reins yet always stay nearby to catch his friends. Dennis is a fount of knowledge, but he doesn’t have to pour it on everyone.”

My husband got misty when he named Jessica (our youngest daughter) and her way of, “clinging to the possible, especially because it takes a lot of effort from her, plus her desire to care for others. Jess shares that caretaking urge with Alex (her husband).” We guess that their mutual love for helping others might have been part of how the Universe drew them together.

Brandy admires selflessness in his wife and her ability to “care about strangers in a nanosecond.” He admires that drive to care for others’ physical spiritual, mental, emotional health. He said, “I think it’s a pretty cool ability to take on or absorb others’ pain, but I don’t want it as a trait for myself because it looks exhausting,” ha!

Maybe you would see someone as accomplished and widely talented as he is and assume he mostly values similar achievements and capacities. But those rarely catch his attention. In general, he just loves people who are genuinely kind. Our neighbors Rex and Cathy, also our new neighbor Tucker, are all truly kind and happy people, “just enjoying life and the people they love.” He affirmed, “It’s not cliché to say that’s where the riches are.”

What would you say to Jocelyn, if you could reach her? “It’s okay. We understand. We love you. We just want you home.”  He elaborated gently that he would not tell her we expect her to live here, just that we want her back in our life. She is greatly missed.

Which of your ancestors would you like to sit down and interview?  “Probably knowing what I know now… Victor.” Victor Goddard was Brandy’s maternal great-grandfather, a small town Oklahoma entrepreneur during the civil rights movement who famously passed away on Halloween. Victor was known for never showing leniency to children learning to play checkers, a tradition his great-grandson keeps to this day. “Well, he just had such a colorful although not good history that as a kid who didn’t understand, I’d love to ask him why on some things and see if you can separate fiction from fact or family story. From that I just mean he was at some pretty pivotal historic moments of mankind. He wasn’t just the old man playing checkers I knew.”

Friends, I cannot wait to get part three ready. It’s my favorite. He’s my favorite. Thank you for reading!

“Sometimes a boy’s gotta do
What a boy’s gotta do,”
~Naomi Boren
XOXOXO

BW, part 1: if looks could kill he would be an uzi

(Part One of Three, continuing with The People Who Loved Him Into Being and Paradigm Shifts & Looking Forward)

Brandy Loyd Wreath, 46 years old, Choctaw, OK:

Handsome behind the wheel on a country drive…xoxo

Born and bred Oklahoman, youngest son in the blended family of a Pastor-Police Chief and Juvenile Officer, also church preacher and organist, descendant of Land Run farmer and ranchers, small town entrepreneurs, church founders and conservative local politicians and campaign workers, Brandy is a fascinating and ever evolving portrait of both deeply rooted heritage and modern cowboy self determination. It’s a rare and beautiful, very Oklahoman combination of qualities. He loves fiercely, works himself to the bone, and never stops dreaming for the future. Please enjoy a distilled version of our long and meandering conversation!

What kind of potato chip would you be? “Cool Ranch Doritos, because, “I am cool and live on a ranch.”

Does 46 years old feel anything like how you thought it would? “Sometimes, but no, it’s much better. I thought it would be boring and we would eat at Applebee’s every day at four. While I have nothing against a 4 pm dinnertime, life is not boring.”

What are your love languages? “Things and gifts, as much as I hate to admit it, especially toys. Also food and a specific love language not fit for public sharing.” (The not-fit for-public-sharing asterisk occurred several times in our Q&A.) Brandy also appreciates words of appreciation, more than he likes to admit. He just likes to know his efforts are not in vain, and I don’t blame him. It is in his nature to want to make a difference.

In 46 years you have already witnessed a stunning array of history being made in real time (as he sat for this interview in our living room, every headline was about Russia invading Ukraine.) What comes to mind, what made deep impressions on you? He quickly rattled off memories about the Capitol riots last year, the space shuttle Challenger explosion (one of his grade school teachers had been named as an alternate to Christa McAuliffe), Desert Storm, the Murrah Building bombing (this was particularly pivotal in his life, as both of his parents served as first responders and continued serving for weeks after April 19, 1995), September 11, and more. He said solemnly, “All these bad things kind of stick out as chapter markers, they say our innocence has changed.” Then he added, “But the Berlin Wall coming down, The European Union, those were good.” I love to watch his countenance shift as he carefully guides his own perspective.

Brandy breezed through his public school education in Moore, Oklahoma, where he enjoyed myriad sports as well as band instruction in junior high. By high school he chose to pursue more business and professional classes instead of music, but he continued playing trumpet for church and still today has an easy time picking through new songs on our piano. He just has an ear for melody. He can actually play all the brass instruments, plus drums, but he does regret not taking his mom’s offer to learn piano more seriously, as well as his grandpa’s offer to learn guitar. When he remembers them both, his voice drips with affection.

Brandy’s present career is in government with the utilities industry. He serves as Director of Public Utilities at the Oklahoma Corporation Commission, but he provides more support to the agency and the people there than his title can possibly convey (those are my words, not his). He cares deeply about the agency and industry as an interconnected organism, and he has a talent for developing talent. This and more shine through in his long-cultivated professional relationships as well as in his team’s results year after year, crisis after crisis (again, my words, not his).

Does your career reflect what you thought you would be doing at this point in life? Is this what you wanted to be when you grew up? He laughed, “Not at all. Not in any way, shape or form.” As a little boy, Brandy wanted to be a race car driver and a banker. He got to be a banker already, which he said was horrible. So far he has not been a race car driver… legally.

This Commish job is nothing like what little red headed Brandy from Moore, OK, dreamed of doing. And yet here he is, excelling and building his division in ways that only surprise people who don’t know him. His knack for managing people as full spectrum human beings, not just resumes, makes him effective, not to mention his deep concern for fairness and transparency. (These are my words again. He will groan when he sees this.)

How did your education prepare you for what you do now? “My education? I don’t really think it did. I think that what prepared me for what I do was the way I was raised.” He spoke so gently of his upbringing, it conjured in my mind dozens of little boy photos and stories I have heard so many times over the years.

He became animated, almost defensive, definitely proud: “Being born into service and politics and respecting government. You know, I wasn’t raised in a house that complained about government all the time. I was raised in a house that appreciated the sacrifice. I was raised in a house that acknowledged people were doing the same for less money, or for no appreciation. I was raised in a house that, someone ran for public office and I saw what people did, even back then, how they were treated just for trying to serve. I was raised understanding that people are just really ungrateful, but that someone’s got to do it. So I think that it’s helped me in my role, to be able to endure that. Because I was raised with people treating government that way. Even 30, 40 years ago, people treated government this way. It may not have been on social media, but people said it everywhere you went. I remember hearing comments when Dad was Mayor. As a little kid. I remember comments at coffee shops.” 

Brandy illustrated his Dad’s triple-threat career of being Councilman and Mayor of Moore, running an auto body shop in Moore, and also maintaining law enforcement hours as Chief of Police in Hallpark, all with a bonus side of helping to found a church. Brandy’s admiration for Harvey is always palpable. But he describes it all as service. “It angered me as a kid, long before I was in government. I know that gave me an appreciation that we’re there for more than money.”

Brandy also believes that government work is a privilege. “It may not get you rich, but it takes a calling.” He likes to include in the concept of public heroes those people who “sacrifice their amazing skill sets to try to make the world better.” He selects his employees based on a willingness to make meaningful contributions, rather than people obviously seeking an ego-boosting job or immense wealth. He seeks after people seeking to make a difference. He offered this about his management experience over the years: “I’ve had hundreds of employees (with a) background (not) great for this job. I think the way I was raised made me appreciate (this job) more.”

To be clear, his college education did weigh heavily in math, science, business, and ethics; and his years in banking gave him experience and licensure in the stock market. He certainly acknowledges that practical foundation. But what drives him and keeps his momentum strong is how his values were formed, by his upbringing.

I asked him what might be next in his career. His answer was so honest, so calming and satisfying, that it made me hope everyone can find a path in life where they can work so steadily, and with such satisfaction: “I honestly don’t want to do anything different; I just want to do this better. I like what I do. I want to appreciate it more. I want to find ways to get more people to appreciate it. That’s when I will feel successful. When there aren’t people complaining about things they should be saying thank you for. You know, that would be a great day. So there’s still plenty to do now before I worry about what’s next frankly. ”

I had already planned to ask him about how he might advice young adults just starting their careers, or high school and college students planning a brand new path. His answers about his own path were deeper than I expected. He provided more than a scholastic guidance counselor might, and I was equally delighted when I finally asked: What advice would you give to high school or college students, or to any young adult planning their career path? He broke down a bit, seemingly lost again in some nostalgia. “Take more time learning from the people that are around you. The classroom is great. I would not detract from the great teachers or professors I had. I mean they were incredible, and they taught me a lot. But the real education I got was from the people right there, all day, every day. The amazing things that I saw my parents doing and involved in that I took for granted as a kid. Maybe I was lucky.”

He gathered his emotions and continued, “Find people in your life. See the amazing people around you. Start having some wonder about the people who are right there. Look to those people and learn from them. College is great, but that is not what’s gonna make you different.”

Describe your ideal day off in winter: “Comfy clothes, whatever food I want on tap, TV, a cuddle, pet my dog. It’s a little gray outside instead of fake sunshine that tricks my mind into wanting to do something productive or be out and about.” We talked about how he wants nothing to be broken or in need of repair or construction, how he wants the office to leave him alone, and how he hopes nobody needs him for that day. His body relaxed into the leather couch as he affirmed these requirements.

Describe your ideal day off in summer: “Sunshine, swimming pool, bikini (he quickly clarified that the bikini is for me, not him), a steak, and then air conditioning to come inside to at night. And again work not needing me, no one else needing me, also definitely nothing broken.”

What recharges you, what restores you to feeling like yourself when you are depleted? “Easy answer? Laughter. True recharge is just to enjoy, be happy.”

For all his math-mindedness, Brandy has one of the richest artistic streaks I have ever seen, and he creates and solves problems prolifically, with bendiness and inventiveness. I asked him to distinguish between art and creativity: “Creativity to me is something that just feels good to do. Like I feel I’m creative, but to me art is something other people can enjoy, which does not feel like my bag,” he laughed that off. He asserted that art “is done for other people to enjoy,” whether it’s music, the spoken word, paintings. “That’s how I see it anyway.”

I asked him about favorite styles of art, and his answer was quick: “Probably most powerful is music.” He comes by this honestly. His mom, Judy Wreath, was a talented musician who raised him on all things piano and organ, Elvis and Beethoven, and she encouraged him to practice his own music, in church and beyond. “But I love almost all of it. Can’t think of any art I don’t enjoy.” His favorite music? “It’s impossible. I love all music. Just depends on the mood. Classical, country, rock, rap. Honestly there are days that it’s all the favorite, depending on the mood, the activity.”

What are some of your favorite personal creative projects? He quickly nominated the newly constructed Batmobile as his favorite. “It’s not traditional but a lot of heart and art got put into it.” He also loves his simple welded green Dino, something he had always wanted but couldn’t afford from Sinclair, and he is still planning to add more to it. He mentioned the colorful skull mural on our big barn. Brandy also greatly enjoyed designing and building all of our wooden easels for Outreach painting nights. He said that project was maybe more fun than the painting event itself. “Doing things to prepare for fun ends up being a big part of the fun.” Probably still in its infancy of usefulness is the yurt, another favored Pandemic build.  One day we added huge lettering to the canvas roof, words like “healing” and “you are loved.” They are big enough that maybe Mediflight helicopters flying over could see them. Knowing the words are there for strangers is a precious feeling.  

Which was your favorite Star Trek Series? (We have over the past few years worked our way through each of the spinoffs in storyline order, as opposed to production order.)  He said, “Probably Enterprise, because it was innocent, and while they had technology, they weren’t fully dependent on it yet. They had to be problem solvers. And I really liked the captain, Archer. Kinda cowboy, kinda just get it done attitude. Not a womanizer like Kirk, not pretentious like Picard, he just wanted to get things done. He took care of his people.”

Ok but why do you always root for the villain in a movie or television show? His answer was shockingly thorough and worthy of an entire college class on either obvious psychology or anarchy; it’s often hard for me to know the difference. He listed as his irrefutable criteria for favoring the Bad Guy, four common traits of the best characters: 1) Villains tend to live more genuinely, being unapologetic about what they want. 2) Villains do not behave in polite, inefficient ways. 3) Villains usually dress cooler, specifically wearing lots more black. And, 4) Villains have better cars.

My husband went on to provide a litany of supporting stories as evidence. “Skeletor was always laughing and having fun, and I mean Jedis were wearing bathrobes, so…” His shrug and unblinking expression dared me to pull apart his answer. I chose to let it sit but circled back to it later, when we discussed The Walking Dead. We also circled back to cars.

What would you think if someone saw you as the villain in a story? He shrugged again and smirked, “Oh well! I must be being very efficient!” We both laughed, him confidently and me a bit nervously. I shuffled my papers before moving on.

“The Law of Attraction’s Not Real, Babe.
Mitt Romney Wanted to be President Real Bad.”
XOXOXOXO
~Brandy Wreath, innocent dreamer
and shameless pragmatist

Check back throughout the coming days for parts 2 and 3.

cultivating hope & beauty, mari’s pandemic story

In early February, 2020, Mari was planning a 50th birthday party for her husband Tony. Though well plugged into the news, they didn’t yet feel that the new flu-like virus was anything to worry about here in Oklahoma. “There had been other pandemics that happened and never quite hit me where I lived.” So they kept their plans, and a small group of loved ones gathered at their home. It was supposed to be the first in a long list of milestone celebrations that year: Tony’s 50th birthday, their two kids’ 18th and 16th birthdays, the anniversary of Tony and Mari’s first date (which is on Leap Day, so they only get to celebrate it every four years), and high school graduation and the start of college for their oldest. It was going to be an extraordinary season for this tight knit family. “2020 was such a year of milestones for us, and we cancelled a lot.”

Shortly after that party, Mari and Tony were enjoying a regular monthly date night with friends at Osteria, an Italian restaurant in Oklahoma City. She imagines she probably ordered a cheesy baked pasta dish. They were excited and getting geared up for a much anticipated Spring Break in California, a family trip to celebrate Spencer turning 18 and soon graduating high school. 

But as news reports about covid-19 gained momentum, anxiety built nationwide. The tension crept closer and closer to home. Things began to feel very different, and Mari and Tony made the difficult decision to cancel their family’s trip. “Things were starting to ramp up and get serious; we were all wondering if some semblance of social distancing was enough. Soon after, it seemed like everything changed completely.” Just two days after deciding to stay home, the state of California entered lockdown. “It felt really real then.”

((Mari is a noticer of quiet, unusual beauty))

Being a military family accustomed to deployment and all kinds of emergency management protocols, Mari and Tony had no trouble slipping into gear when Oklahoma shut down. They are smart and responsive, and they fell easily into their new, necessary routines. Mari’s job transitioned immediately to full time remote work, which was perfectly conducive to Spencer and Marcus both tackling a brand new online high school schedule. The family dog, Trixie, seemed happy to have everyone home, but Mari said, “Sometimes I feel like she looks at me like what are you still doing here?”

Tony was the only one of the group who still had to physically be at work every day, so he was designated as the family shopper. He remembers his first pandemic shopping trip being overwhelming. “People were hoarding toilet paper and hand sanitizer and antibacterial wipes, he was shocked,” Mari said. “We started buying a pack of toilet paper, Kleenex, paper towels, cleaning wipes, and hand soap every time the stores had a full stock. Not hoarding but keeping a little bit extra on hand.”

Their first covid masks were crafted out of flannel by a friend. “It felt like such a novelty!” Gradually they started ordering more masks online, and now they all have extensive collections.

Lockdown stress snacking included what also became one of many quarantine hobbies for Mom: Home baking! She threw herself into experimenting with cookies, cakes, bread, and tarts, with special mention for a lemon-olive oil tart. She also perfected her schnitzel and pork carnitas recipes. “Baking is good stress relief. Initially, wine was my go to stress reliever, but I quit drinking during this pandemic year, which was not planned but just kind of happened.”

((Mari’s lemon olive oil tart))

Something special this busy Mom accomplished for herself during pandemic was to train independently for her first half marathon. Prior to shut downs, she had already publicly declared her intention to run “Half by Half,” meaning a 13.1 mile race by age 50. She wasn’t going to let a global pandemic stop her, so she and Tony trained that entire spring and summer. Then in the fall, when the virtual race dates rolled around (both the in person OKC Memorial and Tulsa’s Route 66 were cancelled), Mari successfully completed not one but two virtual half marathons. With her husband Tony’s support and motivation even when knee pain interrupted his own running, she met her goal of running each in under three hours.  She said, “My goal became our goal. I just ran around my neighborhood and wherever I could reach by sidewalk.” Incredible! What a respectable accomplishment, to tackle this challenge for the first time and with no crowd support!

((Tony & Mari, training partners for her Half by Half goal!))

Speaking of accomplishments, I don’t know anyone who reads more books than Mari does. She considers it a good escape and touts the Book of the Month Club subscription as a wonderful investment. She has passed on her love of reading to their youngest, too, who haunts the library and has a passion for mycology, government, social issues, and much more.

When they weren’t finishing school work or baking, gardening, painting, or knitting and crocheting beautiful new creations, this passionate, multi-talented group used the long months of social isolation for binging great television. Together, these four happy roommates enjoyed Criminal Minds, vintage Cold Case Files, and every iteration of the Law and Order franchise. I should mention that these folks are true music lovers, and Mari touts the soundtrack for Cold Case Files as especially good. They balanced these dark shows with lighter fare like The Great British Baking Show, Modern Family, Schitt’s Creek, and, of course, Tiger King. This is Oklahoma, after all; Tiger King was almost required viewing during the spring of 2020.

One of their longstanding household traditions took on a more special meaning during pandemic: They keep an open jar on their kitchen counter into which anyone in the family, as well as visitors, can deposit handwritten notes commemorating special events and memories from throughout the year, all meant for emptying out and reading aloud on New Year’s Eve or Day. It’s a collective daily diary and gratitude journal of sorts, but for the whole family. Mari remembers writing something one day early in quarantine to memorialize the strange unfolding: “Remember back in spring when there was a pandemic? That was crazy!” She later laughed to think that she had once believed it would all be so brief.

Tony and Mari certainly never imagined that their kids’ high school finishes would be eclipsed by a global pandemic. But somehow they managed to discover some hidden treasures in the chaos and complication. When Marcus started his junior year of high school, he would spend almost another semester at home doing remote learning, and although a traditional classroom setting was needed and preferred for many reasons, it was only by spending so much extra time with their youngest that Mom and Dad became more keenly aware of some symptoms they called “neurodivergent.” They managed to arrange a medical screening and received a helpful autism diagnosis for their child. “I don’t think this is something that we would have discovered had we not had this time, and I’m very thankful for that.”

Then, Spencer was off to college, facing an especially complicated social distancing residential environment and many unknowns. But after all those months in quarantine, he left home with that wonderful cushion of intense quality time with his family. Without the previous year’s bizarre circumstances, his final months at home might have been much more hectic and much less memory-rich. “The family time was a blessing in that we were able to spend lots of quality time with our oldest before he went to college,” Mari said appreciatively.

As the world slowly reopened, Mari and Tony celebrated their twenty-ninth wedding anniversary with a short trip to a small casino resort in Durant, Oklahoma. This year they are looking forward to celebrating their thirtieth! She said of her 29-year marriage: “We’ve had lots of ups and downs and good and bad, though this was definitely a first. We make a good team and are usually able to give each other space when we need it. We’ve learned to talk instead of pop off when we’re feeling feelings, and that has made all the difference. Not that it wasn’t a challenge, but we tried to understand that we were both going through it, and neither of us is spared.”

For Thanksgiving 2021, this tight knit crew happily trekked to Washington DC, thankful for the freedom and means to travel again. Another of their shared passions is a reverence for the seat of government. Mari’s career also happens to be centered in D.C., so this trip was special on many levels, a meaningful compensation after so many delayed milestone celebrations.

Regarding politics, Mari is gentle and mostly guarded with her commentary, but she did divulge her belief that, “Government should calm, not craze, people.” She expressed sadness and anger about last January’s insurrection then relief when things calmed down. She gushed with affection for Amanda Gorman, admitting to having wept during the young woman’s poetic offering at the Presidential Inauguration. Mari said she began to feel calmer and happier around that time, and we talked about helpers and the constant presence of good people in the midst of social chaos.  

Staying connected to loved ones during lockdown was made easier by the internet, a modern convenience for which they all are so grateful. Like many, they had to wait more than a year before visiting family in Wisconsin. In the mean time, everyone was thankful for protected health and, eventually, for the vaccine rollout.

No one in Mari’s household ever contracted the virus, though they have several friends and acquaintances that did. Some loved ones tested positive but were asymptomatic; others were so sick they were hospitalized for weeks. To emerge from this long, difficult year with their physical health is no small blessing. As of this writing, the entire family is fully vaccinated and deeply grateful for that. Mari said of the vaccine, “We weren’t the first in line, but I trust the process and think it’s important.” With every expression of gratitude for their health and their good fortune during pandemic, Mari also expressed compassion for others who were far less fortunate. She was reluctant to celebrate the beauty of their experience, cognizant of the suffering around her.

Looking back over their pandemic experience, it’s easy to see that while this sweet family didn’t have the year of extraordinary milestone celebrations they had planned, they certainly had an extraordinary year in other ways. They accepted the hand they were dealt and played it beautifully, with great love and responsiveness. They humbly gave thanks for their good luck through it all. They extracted from the ever shifting storm some truly meaningful personal connections, improved mental health, more fully developed hobbies and talents, and intimate family memories that will last a lifetime. They traveled intentionally when it made sense. They lived with authenticity and calm. Moreover, they nourished a very real sense of optimism about the world, about life. Mari said that they “spent more time focusing on the good rather than the bad. The good that happens when people pull together in community and support and love one another.”

Mari and I chatted in a soft, circular way about people and groups and human nature, about how we as a population have coped with covid-19 and all the fallout. Through it all, her perspective had that gracious upturned quality: “I’m shocked by how easily the world adapted.” She expressed genuine amazement. Rather than focus on the division or the difficulties, she has focused on how everyone pulled together and found ways to thrive. She has been dazzled by hard workers not seeking attention, celebrating, “good people doing good things just because they need to be done.”

I asked Mari to describe for me her spirituality, because while she never mentioned a particular church community, she emits such a sense of behind-the-scenes Zen, an inner sense of orderly peace, it made me curious. She is “technically Lutheran,” but had what she called a “self-reckoning with religion” in her mid-twenties. She now is actively working through her personal beliefs about heaven and hell, about God and organized religion and even reincarnation. This is far from a dismissal, though, and feels more like a wide-eyed exploration. She took Buddhist meditation classes and appreciates modern writers like Brene Brown and Glennon Doyle in varying amounts and for different reasons, and she affirms there is strength in vulnerability but feels like it should be more accessible to more people. Mari feels that we all are on “different paths to the same place, all just trying to get there.” And she wants to live in a way that “inspires better behavior, inspires others to be a good person.” Then she said, “At the cellular level we all need connection and love. Every person just wants love.”

Perhaps the most beautiful thing she said is something that just fell out of her lips so naturally: “There is nothing more holy to me than my kids.” So much of what Mari shared with me about her pandemic experience centered on what her two children were experiencing month to month, day to day, how they were growing, what she feared for their lives or celebrated about them. She is a fully engaged Mom who expects the best from her offspring and wonders how the world will treat them, pandemic or not. This is her religion, it seems, the crafting and feathering of a nest, a strong place from which Spencer and Marcus will soon be flying.

From the outside looking in, she and Tony are doing great. Mari has cultivated a sense of wonder and optimism, saying again and again in so many ways, “There are still things to be happy about!”

Wonder, optimism, and gratitude are the underpinnings to everything here. “I remember back at the beginning, seeing my kids with their eyes reflecting panic and despair at us, and working on trying to hear them out but also encourage them not to panic or get despondent. Now we say to them: Look at what you lived through. Look at what you can do. Look at what the world is doing to make the world a better place than it was when this all began. Because that’s the important thing, right? How we respond to difficult experiences.”

Looking forward? Mari asserted, gently, that she is in no hurry to reclaim the busyness of their life “before.” She craves deeper, if less frequent, connection with friends instead of the more common surface level contact. I love that. I also love her ability to kick off her shoes and curl up her sock feet and sit and talk. To sip hot tea and make prolonged eye contact. I love her ability to share a story and its core meaning, without stuttering or backtracking, without apologizing, just unwinding a golden thread with restful vulnerability. Sitting across from her on the afternoon that we finally spoke face to face, I drank in the slowness and fulfillment that we all were collectively seeking in those sourdough and puzzle-assembling months. She embodies both stillness and exploration, and it is quite beautiful. 

((Some of the slow, lovely handiwork Mari produced during the pandemic months))

As our conversation expanded, Mari added this final layer of humility: “We definitely struggled as much as anyone during this time; we fought and cried and yelled and got sick and dealt with messes and ice storm damage and had disappointments and avoided each other and dealt with hardships, but in the end, the things I want to focus on is not what we endured, but rather what we learned and how we grew. I will never deny the messy or difficult things we lived through, but I will focus on the fact that we lived through them and hopefully learned something.” Personally, I adore this perspective. Acknowledging the hard times is valuable, and making a deliberate choice about how you memorialize those hard times is even moreso.

Mari, thank you for sharing your pandemic memories and for sharing your heart. You make me feel exactly how you said of the world at large: You make me, “want to hope for the best.”

XOXOXOXO