Lazy W Marie

Carpeing all the diems in semi-rural Oklahoma...xoxo

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Marinating in Listerine

   About six million years ago when I was in retail banking, I went through a lot of training, mostly for sales.  And in the course of that training a handful of psychological concepts took root in my brain.  Some worthwhile, others not so much.  Among them was something called, “The Listerine Effect.”  A few of my old banking buddies might remember this.
   You use mouthwash, right?
   It burns, right?
   But that’s how you know it’s working, right?
   Despite the burn, you use it because it is working for you.
   Right?
 
   Perhaps you already see where this is going.
   In sales, the Listerine Effect is the practice of deliberately laying out a product’s worst features, its least appealing qualities, first, ahead of explaining its benefits.  Then you get to comfort your client with the good news.  It’s sort of all uphill from there.  You get to prattle on about the bells and whistles because you have no downside to hide.  You’ve already delivered the blow.

   You kind of say it like a parent, “I know this is gonna be hard to swallow, but it’s gonna be so good for you…”
   Example:  “Yes, Mr. and Mrs. Debttoratio, this home equity line of credit does have an annual fee.  It is a gazillion dollars.  However, your rate will never be more than half a point above prime!  Isn’t that fantabuoluous?  Doesn’t that make it worth every penny?”
   I got really, really, scary good at this you guys.  I sold a lot of bankish stuff using this technique, I believe for two reasons:
   A)  The Listerine Effect makes people surprisingly comfortable.  We all expect to hear a downside in the retail world, so once we do, we relax a little.
   B)  The speech patterns of this technique come super naturally to me.  Self criticism is in my bones.

   Here’s the thing.
   This can be a slippery slope.
   It’s a great sales tactic, but allowing this Listerine to spill out into your personal life not only erodes your self esteem; it affects how others see you.  A-N-D it potentially makes them quite uncomfortable.
    Example:  “I never bother cleaning up the house, I am so sorry it’s messy when you’re here.”
   Another example:  “I could never pull that off, it looks so much better on her…”
   You, like me, might feel that by criticizing yourself upfront you are getting the obvious out of the way.  Maybe if you admit your flaws and failures then no one else can possibly lay claim on them.
   If I punish myself enough for everybody, 
then all that is left is acceptance, right?  Right?
   You could be flat wrong.
   You’ve not only drawn a spotlight to your perceived problem; you’ve sneakily obligated your companions to either agree with you or reassure you.
    A-W-K-W-A-R-D.
   This is often taken as fishing for a compliment, even if it’s truly not your intention.  And it can build resentents and low opinions quickly.  Once you start marinating in Listerine, that is the environment for which you become known.  People get used to playing the cheer her up game when you’re around.  Trust me.
   
   This is a habit worth breaking, folks.  Maya Angelou is often quoted to have said something I adore:

   “Surviving is important.  Thriving is elegant.”

   Side note, personal opinion:  I used to think that with regard to how a woman presents herself, the only alternative to this weird subservience was arrogance.  I have had my fill of arrogant women for one lifetime, so I just never bothered trying.  What a mistake!
   None of us is perfect, and none of us is worthless.  We  need to hover somewhere away from both extremes, you know?  Honor humanity in ourselves and each other without getting wrapped up in either extreme of pride.

 

   If only for the comfort of your friends and colleagues, 
stop with the Listerine.
xoxoxo

 

 

Proverbs 31: Overview & a Realization

   After deciding to spend the month of October studying, exploring, and displaying the book of Proverbs 31, my mind sort of exploded.  But I liked it.  My heart swelled and my thoughts gained momentum in a really exciting, dangerous way.  There are so many writing possibilities here, so much potential learning to do!  Can I please have more than one month?
   Here are just a few of the very meaty topics 
that are begging to be covered:
  • Have you ever noticed that this thirty-first chapter of Proverbs also has thirty one verses?  Is there any significance to that?
  • Who are the speakers and what is the context?  What was going on in history at this time?
  • What is the difference between a proverb and a fable?
  • Did you know that some theologians argue that this book, though traditionally understood to be instructive to women, might actually bend toward instruction to the church?  This is at least consistent with the New Testament analogy of Christ’s bride.  Hmm.
  • Fascinating advice on dealing with the poor, defenseless, and underprivileged.
  • I have never owned a ruby.  What ARE they worth?  
  • How can the modern woman translate the resourcefulness of the Proverbs 31 woman?  I mean, we don’t really have flax to work.  Wait, what is flax again?
  • Food management and nutrition in an extreme couponing, fast food culture:  How do we strike the balance and please God?
  • Real Estate.  Hmm.
  • Strength of body versus vanity in an image-obsessed but wildly healthless culture.  (Has there ever before been such a paradox for women?)
  • Charity.
  • Household preparedness:.  Winter is Coming.
  • Significance of the colors scarlet & purple, of silk & tapestries.
  • Husband’s reputation.
  • Contributions to the family/ marriage by way of her skills.
  • Bread of Idleness:  REALLY interesting how this interacts with the Biblical importance of leavening, both Old and New Testaments.  
  • Excellence:  WOW.
  • Favor & beauty:  Some people call these evil, but is that what is actually says?
  • The ways of Her Household:  Mind Yer Beeswax.

   
   What I can say with certainty is that this book is a timeless source of inspiration for women across the centuries, in every walk of life and every “religion.”  Writers have always had a lot to say about these few dozen sentences, so I guess I am I just late to an awesome party.
   So….. regardless of how much or how little I manage to accomplish with this October study, the obvious fact remains that it will be insufficient.  This can only be a springboard study, but it can still be nourishing.
  
   I hope that whatever your path is right now, you give Proverbs 31 a glance, at least a philosophical one, and share your thoughts, you reactions, your personal  experiences.  I think Truth grooves this kind of networking.  Please share your thoughts and insights in the comments.  I would love to spark an exchange and really make some spiritual progress here!
     This month of study will be well spent.
   

Before the Fortune Tellers Arrive, One More Kiss

   In one of the most sensuous cities on earth, at one of the most delicate times of day, I watched him.  The streetlamps were still glowing, reflecting off of the moist, foggy brick and wrought iron.  The only movement on the narrow streets was a garbage truck grumbling around the corner and a handful of old bicycles, pedaled and driven by beatnik poets, some of them wearing long aprons, hurrying towards their early morning shifts at New Orleans breakfast cafes.

   No tourists were out this early, and the street performers still slept soundly in whatever safe dark caves they could find.
   We had agreed to meet at Jackson Square, between the St. Louis cathedral and the entry to Place d’Armes, before breakfast.  Before the fortune tellers had time to set up their card tables and hand painted signs, promising answers.  We didn’t need their predictions,. after all; we only wanted one final quiet morning together.
   The preceding three nights had been filled with romance and surprises, and today we would part ways.  I slept in my hotel bed at The Frenchman for only a couple of hours, rose before dawn to take a hot shower in the minuscule but ornate bathroom there, and dressed in my last remaining clean sweater and a skirt with warm tights and boots.  It was too early even for the hotel’s parlor breakfast of coffee, croissants, and bacon, so I wrapped up in a long, soft scarf and made my way through those magical streets.  
   I walked alone to our agreed upon spot, taking mental snapshots of every tantalizing storefront, every window box garden, and every white-on-black printed street sign.  If this incredible place could somehow be home, would the awe gradually diminish?  Would I slowly lose focus on the sparkle, the hum, the glow of the French Quarter?
   He was already there waiting for me.  He was, as usual, standing tall and straight, broad shoulders square against the gray morning light, hands in his pockets.  He was leaning just slightly back, tilted to view the impressive church that has loomed over the square for nearly three centuries.  He has such an appreciation for grand architecture, so much knowledge, so much wordless passion.
   I stop my boots from clacking and just stand still to watch him for a moment.  Gazing at him like this through the fog, I can almost smell his cologne.
   

Advice for Removing Sunflowers

   Allergies are raging right now at the farm.  Parrot dander, horse hair, hay dust from the barn, wildflowers, ragweed, you name it.  And Handsome is the chief sufferer. Since permanent or even seasonal relocation to the desert or a salty beach is not at present in our cards, we have some changes to make.  
   Yesterday I started by yanking out of the dry, cracked earth a trash bin full of ragweed to donate to the landfill and then an equally full pile of sunflowers for the chickens to eat.  I learned a few things while doing this yesterday.  So today I have some unsolicited advice for you, just in case this is a chore on your list anytime soon..
   I L-O-V-E unsolicited advice, don’t you?
   So you are welcome.

   A Few Tips for Removing Sunflower Groves:
   1.  Before tackling the stalks, cut back as many of the flowers stems as possible. This will reduce the ferocity of the bee swarms that are likely to attack your face while yanking at the tree trunk-thick middles.  
These tiny pumpkins are the fruit of volunteer vines 
that sprang up from last year’s carving party 
with my youngest daughter and her step brother.
xoxoxo
    I am enjoying one final summer bouquet with some of the cut flowers, mixed with a few stems of purple Rose of Sharon.  Pretty, eh?  But also deathly to allergy sufferers like Handsome.  One of the cruel jokes of a happy marriage.
   2.  Be brave agaisnt the swarming bees.  They will buzz your ears and hum in your face and try to intimidate you, but stay the course.  You are on a mission.   A mission of love.  And yes, it’s true that you are destroying the bees’ habitat, but humans rule the world, right?
    3.  Run a water hose at the base of the flowering grove while you work on flower cutting or hauling, or while you run screaming from the bees.  Pretty soon the roots will relax enough to be heaved free of the vise like grip of the earth.  
   While the water soaks is also a good time 
to text honey badger jokes to people.
   4.  When the time finally comes for pulling loose the remaining naked stalks, use your legs.  Bend your knees and pull with your legs, not your back.  Removing sunflowers is not the same thing as cutting roses or zinnias, folks.  It is not even the same thing as pulling crabgrass.  It is a tug of war with Mother Nature herself.

Exactly one sunflower bud remains in the south garden.  
So tightly wrapped up in itself, so hopeful as its baby face follows the sun,
so doomed for loneliness and certain death.
Apparently this sunflower is out of Nair.  
Better I just put her out of her Velcro misery.

   Keep in mind that sunflowers are among the few plants that have survived the 2011 Oklahoma drought and heat wave, so Mother Nature is going to be understandably protective over this sturdy  treasure.  Pull smart and pull hard.  If you fall backwards when the battle is finally won, don’t worry.  Just hope you don’t land on a bee.  Then spring up like the ninja that you are and get back to work.

   5.  Wear gloves.  Not the pretty little cotton gloves they sell to women at the dollar store; REAL GLOVES  Work gloves   Boy gloves.  Seriously, I am soooo done buying women’s “gardening” gloves for working outside, no matter how much I like the red calico print or lime green stretchy wrist band and no matter how cheap they are.  $8 for one pair of men’s thick, suede-like gloves that LASTS is a lot cheaper than forty pairs of women’s cotton gloves from the $1 bin, gloves that are quickly reduced to thin, pathetic shreds AND that attract all manner of stickers and thorns in the mean time.  Disposable.  I don’t know about you, but my gardening money is not disposable.

Sorry, Babe.  This glove, along with so many T-shirts, is now mine.
   Back to the original story.
   6.  Do not make eye contact with the monarch butterflies as you remove the sunflowers.  I cried real tears for a moment yesterday as a beautiful winged creature hovered in front of me.  Her little insect chin quivered.  She seemed to be asking me, “But what will my children eat tonight?”  If you don’t look at them, they’re not really there, right?  Gulp.  Stay focused and cold hearted.

Here we have “Speckle” the hen.  I know, it’s a cryptic name.
On day one of the grove removal, she and her feathery cohorts 
were inexplicably terrified of the sunflower carnage.
Day two found her pecking, tromping, and clucking her way through the dried up stuff.
I can only hope that she found lots of fresh, juicy bugs to eat.
Wait, I can only hope that the butterflies and bees and squash bugs and caterpillars escaped.
Wait, who are we rooting for again?

   7.  Should you indeed find yourself trapped by a confused monarch butterfly or bumblebee, do your best to offer assurances that the sunflowers are just being relocated, not removed entirely.  Promise them that their pollen and nourishment is being walked around the corner to the chicken yard, just a short flight away.  Do not tell them how hungry the chickens and geese are and that now they, the juiciest poultry food source, will be much closer to ground level while collecting pollen.  It could be the insects’ last meal, after all, so why ruin it?  Lie.  Lie like broccoli.
   
   So there you have it.  Seven steps to successful sunflower removal.  Glad I could help.

Summer 2011 Goals Recap

   Since this weekend we officially welcomed Fall 2011, I decided to grab a few minutes to review the goals and best intentions I set forth for myself at the onset of Summer 2011 and see how well things went.  

   Even before walking through the list and analyzing things, though, I feel like it was a pretty good season, all things considered.  Filled with lots of hard work and invigoration, tempered with romance, friendship, and a renewed spiritual appetite.  Yep.  I groove this summer.

   Okay.
   Item #1, Sun Protection:  Yes, I was in the sun a lot this summer, and in fact it was kind of hard for any breathing, moving person to avoid the hot sun in Oklahoma considering our freaky heat wave, but I was a good girl and wore SPF 15, 30, 45, and sometimes even 50.  Every day.  Even though it gave me weird skin.  And even hats and sunglasses.  Not a single dad-gum pink or red sunburn, and that says a lot for someone who falls asleep reading outside.  Regularly.  Success.  10/10 points
   Item #2, Carpe Diem:  Every week was different from the others.  Every day within those weeks was different from its peers.  I have to look back on my calendar, our extensive photo files, or this blog to really absorb all that happened between the end of May and right now, so I know that the summer was filled with variety.  And I am deliciously free of that horrible feeling of frustration that a person gets when the flow has not been went with, so Diems were most likely definitely Carpeied.  10/10 points

Here is our gorgeous youngest nephew visiting the farm in late June.
This was exactly his first taste in his whole life of watermelon.
Look at his clear blue eyes, gazing at nothing while he studies this new flavor.
His smooth pink skin, absorbing every vitamin from that sweet, crispy, mushy fruit.
Please note that Nephew, too, grooves sun protection.
Or at least his awesome mom does.
The glorious, mysterious tasting moment could not have been planned, 
and I am so grateful to have been there when it happened.
Carpe Diem.

   Item #3, Contact with My Chickens, Sans Pressure or Bitterness:  I could have done much better here.  I am deeply happy and grateful for every minute we shared in the flesh, over the phone, and electronically (texting with your teens is an unexpected pleasure).  I was able to reign in my plaguing questions and maternal expectations, leaving room (I think) for easier conversation and affectionate moments.  That much I can definitely celebrate.  And I have a stack of crafty mementos and a long list of memories from this summer with each of the girls that can fuel Handsome and me for a long time with out them.  I can only hope they feel as good or better.
   Where I could have done better (much better) was with gifts and spontaneity.  I know, I know, that sounds shallow on one hand, but it’s not.  Something quiet and persistent is reminding me that it’s just part of the teenager’s language, especially when we’re not under the same roof for those daily shows of love to pervade the atmosphere.
   I need to learn how to overcome my fear of buying the wrong styles or sizes, etc, and just try.  If the gifts are wrong, then at least I have tried.  More importantly, at least they know I have tried.  If anyone has experience in this weird arena, it is one area of life where I am happy to listen to suggestions.
   Perhaps the best news here is that my bitterness is beginning to fade.  A renewed spiritual appetite is bringing to the surface lots of forgotten lessons, old wisdom, and timeless strength.  I feel hope.  5//10 points

   Item #4, Family Not Taken for Granted:  I am broken hearted and ashamed to admit that I allowed the summer stay too busy and too farm-centered to go visiting far-flung family as much as I would have liked.  There were a few “reasons,” of course. but in the hot light of honesty they boil down to excuses.  And compared to the intense love I feel for those I didn’t see enough, the reasons and excuses are pitiful.  I hope to make up for this in the coming cooler months.  Cozy up our hearts with treasured family members.  Cozy up theirs with appreciation for their love and patience.   1/10 points.

My results for Item #3 and Item #4 have me singing 
that Harry Chapin song, Cat’s in the Cradle.

   Item #5, Entertain Lushly Without Gaining Weight:  Umm, more or less…  I stayed the course.  I did not make any progress, which is weird considering how much time I spend on the elliptical machine and doing Pilates videos, but the farm was full full full of friends and loved ones nearly every week and weekend throughout the summer.  This means lots and lots and lots of amazing recipes and then indulgent leftovers for lunch several times a week.  Plus I kind of temporarily got myself hooked on heavy cream in my coffee instead of milk, so to end summer on a strong and healthy note is more than a small success.  9/10 points


From left to right, a fraction of one party’s spread:
Melissa’s Coconut-Lime Cake 
(under the plastic dome in this shot, which is a pity because it is BEAUTIFUL)
Tabbouleh Salad (addictive) and Tina’s Mexican Casserole (WOW).

   Item #6, Tenth Wedding Anniversary:  It was amazing.  Just lovely, both in terms of worldly adventure and emotional, intimate celebration.  Handsome and I have weathered a lot of storms in our time as a couple, some of our own making and others definitely not, and I expect there will be many more in the future.  That’s life.  But this milestone anniversary was one for the record books, and I was ready for our trip early.  EARLY.  I had the house clean, my bags packed, my phone calls made, and my hair washed and combed BEFORE time to go.  I was even wearing deodorant.  He nearly fainted from the shock.  10/10 points



You are so welcome, groom of mine, 
for beckoning that Mariachi band over to our seaside table
and then urging you with my eyebrows to tip him 
generously for their anniversary serenade,
knowing you had no small bills in your wallet.
And knowing how much you loathe Mariachi bands.
I love you so.


   Item #7, Writing Regularly:  If you are a writer of anything and you too feel the physical need to write, then you can identify with the cleansing sensation you enjoy when you abide that craving.  You can also appreciate the clogginess that comes from NOT writing.  I am happy to report that this summer I spent more time churning out words than I have in years.  The funny thing is that by writing I felt motvated to do everything else in life better and more passionately.  My mind was more alert; I had better ideas (some would call them GENIUS), and I could focus and spend time more joyfully,  having already satisfied that weird itch.  10/10 points

   Item #8, Farm Contributions:  This one is tricky to evaluate, but I am going to go with ” marginal success” because of one very particular afternoon in July when Handsome got down-to-brass-tacks-confetti-worthy A-N-G-R-Y at me for lifting a truck bed full of horse grain into the feed bins.  It is NOT a difficult job; it sounds a lot harder than it actually is.  But let’s just say that I could have done that one job and no other work all summer long and he STILL would have been chagrined.  9/10 points


For the record, Chunk-Hi and I are the only farm residents 
who fully appreciate the random joy of confetti.
It’s always a party, but it’s a quiet party.
Just the two of us, crusted in paper bits and enjoying life.

   Item #9, Not Cheating at Book Club:  Despite the fact that last-page glimpsing is a healthy life practice, I did not cheat and pre-read the end of any of our books.  Not even once.  I read them all in the normal front-to-back fashion, with the excepotion of The Shack, which I didn’t finish at all.  
   The day of that particular Book Club discussion dinner, I was trying to skim and cram in the remaining pages as the ladies were arriving, setting out their beautiful sweets and savories and colorful bottled drinks.  But the material proved to be too rocky for me then.  Oh well.  Book Club is fantastic, and I am so glad to have these women and this practice in my life right now!  More on that soon!  8/10 points



   Item #10, Self Loathing:  UGH.  It’s been a learning curve.  My life is amazing.  Truly.  Even the hardest parts are brimming with learning opportunities, mercy, and happy surprises.  I do not deserve all of these blessings, but I am working on making the most of it all and trying not to mess everything up.  Wish me some luck.  10/10 points

   So, overall, I am 82% to goal for Summer 2011.  
Funny, because my heart feels a lot better 
than just eighty-two percent full.  
xoxoxoxoxo