Lazy W Marie

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Unsolicited Advice: Marital Edition. Part Three

   Oh I am so glad you keep visiting! Okay, it is a bit late (par for the course with me) but I have great excuses, as always. : ) The days are all full and busy around here. Today for your consideration… the third and final installment of Unsolicited Advice: Marital Edition. If you haven’t already done so, please read part one right here and part two right here.

   What remains are tidbits not particularly related to each other. Remember, we did no consult with each other as we wrote this advice. And I guarantee we would each have come up with more. But we stuck with twelve pearls of wisdom each for twelve years of marriage together.

   Okay! Onward.

   He Said: Work hard to have a beautiful home together. Let her express herself in every corner. Her happiness in the home will reflect her happiness in life. Even with the most modest budget, you can make beauty together.

   She Said: Try to pray together. Identify then nourish some common spiritual ground. Over twelve years, Handsome and I have fluctuated in lots of ways with regard to church and outward expressions of faith, and I imagine that will continue throughout different seasons of life; but having a basic spiritual foundation in our marriage has been a wonderful comfort at times of crisis. It provides a sense of safety and shelter that cannot come from anywhere else. I’m not telling you what to believe, just suggesting that you add this to your recipe for magic. Defining and steeling your own spiritual foundation is part of your own adventure.

   He Said:  When you fight, make up fast. Make it worth it when you do make up. Try to turn off your most awesome battling skills, even if you are pretty good with a bow staff.


   She Said: Do everything you can to make sure he knows you are proud of him. This is really easy for me, because he makes me proud daily. In every part of life.

   He Said:  Never forget to tell her just how beautiful she is to you. Trust me… everyone else is telling her… Keep your place in her heart.

   She Said: Develop your own shared history long-term and enjoy having daily rituals together, too. From big holiday celebrations to early morning habits and road trip traditions, Handsome and I have a million ways we know each other and remember each other. It feels so good.

   He Said:  Pick a girl that makes you swoon every time you see her and makes you want to listen every time you hear her.

   She Said:  For all the talking we do about togetherness and such, which is wonderful and important, I also want to suggest that you maintain a little breathing room. Not privacy exactly; just room in your calendars and energy stores to cultivate your own selves. A good friend once gave me this advice, and at first I balked at it. But now, about five years later, I see the value of her words. Speaking for myself, I know that I am most upset with others (especially my poor husband) when I am upset with myself. So starting with a full tank, so to speak, makes a lot of sense. And respecting his individuality and breathing room is healthy. I almost think you should try this especially where it’s difficult; it probably matters most in those areas.

   He Said:  Love her like your life depends on it. Because it does!

   She Said:  Part of the reason this blog entry is late is that we’ve had a rough few days. As I mentioned, life is full around here. Life is also stressful, in almost every arena. Our nerves, emotions, and tolerances grow thin at times like this, and sometimes they get the better of us. My final piece of marital advice? Manage them. Protect and honor your relationship rather than testing or doubting it. Life is cruel enough without exposing your marriage to poison. Above all, if you are prone to it, mange your jealousy. That’s all I’m gonna say on that today.

   Thanks again for joining us on this little twelve-year advice fiesta! We’ve had an eventful and overall very happy month celebrating. We feel very blessed in our life and wise about marriage only because we have learned from so many mistakes.

   Do you have any marital advice you’d like to share? How long have you been married? I’d love to know you better.

Never knew I could feel Like this
Like I’ve never seen the sky before…
Want to vanish inside your kiss
Every day I love you more and more…
Come What May
I Will Love You
Until My Dying Day
xoxoxoxo

Unsolicited Advice: Marital Edition Part Two,

   Hello again! Thanks so much for all of the sweet happy anniversary wishes and for reading this fun series! Handsome and I surely appreciate it. If you haven’t yet seen Part One of Unsolicited Advice: Marital Edition, you can read it here.

   I have another installment for you today, but first, a little comic floating around the internet that pretty well sums things up…

   Right? Perfect bottom line, I think. Solid advice if ever I heard it. Wish I had thought to just say THAT before giving you 24 pieces of advice. : )

   Okay. Part Two. These bits of marital wisdom are not necessarily grouped into themes, but I think it’s fun to see some parallels still. Again, we did not consult each other as we wrote.

********************

   He Said:  Love her quirks. These small idiosyncrasies are the things that will bring a smile to your face for the rest of your life.

   She Said:  Take lots of photos, write some journals of your memories, and surround yourselves with those positive, loving, laughter-bringing memories. You might be surprised what you would forget otherwise. And not just the big stuff; take stock of the mundane things too. Not every day has to be a show-stopper. The ordinary days add up, and reflecting on and celebrating them together now and then is wonderful. Later, when crises come (they will), you can take care of business but crave that calm normalcy together. You will know that your foundation is enough. At hectic, stressful times, Handsome and I have often laughed after crying, saying, We just want a quiet day at home with the animals and each other, and a home coked meal, is that so wrong? And in this difficult season without the kids, we have thousands of photos to remind us of what life was like with them. Not that we forget exactly, but sometimes pain and waiting have a way of dulling the old joys. And tactile memories help tremendously.

   He Said:  Get her a car that makes her happy, even if she doesn’t task for it. She should ride in style with a smile! Listen, guys, don’t put your girl in a minivan and expect her to feel like a sports car…

   She Said:  Learn how to live cheaply. Be the funnest date you can be, while spending the least. Sometimes cash will flow more freely than others, of course, but it’s always good to know how to entertain yourselves without a huge monetary sacrifice. It’s wonderful to know how to make up games, explore new places, and enjoy all kinds of entertainment on a shoestring. I can honestly say that we have had just as much fun and romance on cheap, spontaneous outings close to home (or at home) than on expensive dates in other cities.

   He Said:  Love her arts, whatever they are… Promote her to do them often, as they make her the woman you fell in love with. This one is so so easy for me, as most of my girl’s arts center around her creating a beautiful home, a tasty meal, or fun!

   She Said:  Make regular, enthusiastic attempts to have fun doing stuff that he loves. I know that to some people this sounds old fashioned and cheesy, but it’s not. I’m not talking about being a Stepford follower- type wife; I’m talking about legitimately involving yourself in whatever it is that makes this man you LOVE tick. We have made some of our best friends while showing cars, which is something I would probably never think of doing without him. And I have learned a ton of interesting stuff by paying attention when he gets excited about a car or a new project. If instead I left him to his own devices, just sort of dismissed him instead of accepting his welcome into this fun world, then I would miss that expression of little-boy joy he gets on his face when he talks cars. I do not understand the notion of limiting each other just because you don’t organically share a passion. Give yourself a chance to see things through his eyes, and do not discourage him.

His first minutes behind the wheel as owner of his Cobra, a lifelong dream.
I will never forget the look on his cute face!

********************

   Okay friends, that’s what I have for you today. It’s getting close to dinnertime, and I have some big Alfredo-flavored plans. Please feel free to share your own inspired marital advice here or on Facebook or by email! I would love to her what works for other couples.

Love is a Verb
xoxoxoxo

Unsolicited Advice: Marital Edition Part I, the Common Ground

   Hey friends! It’s Anniversary Week around here, so as promised it’s time for our first installment of Unsolicited Advice: Marital Edition. I announced this funny little project with my ornery tongue in the corner of my doubtful cheek but have since enjoyed some surprisingly positive feedback from you guys! So I hope this is good.

   Please remember… What follows, whether silly or serious,  are OUR experiences, OUR lessons learned, OUR slants on life… All based on the twelve years Handsome and I have been negotiating the marital waters. What works for us may have disastrous consequences for you. Then again, we may have cracked the code. You tell me!

   Okay. First, it bears mentioning that Handsome and I wrote our 12 pieces of advice separately, independently, flying solo and untethered by consultation with each other. And we each could easily have written far more than twelve little things. And each of those twenty-four things could have been books! Because, seriously. You learn through mistakes, and mistakes have stories attached. REALLY GOOD stories, sometimes…

   We then thought it would be fun to see how much of our thinking overlapped with each other. There was plenty. So to start our advice column tonight, a little common ground:

1. Grass is Greenest Where You Water It.
   She Said: Do what you can to become an expert on your husband. Learn everything about his needs, wants, preferences, dreams, goals, strengths, and weaknesses. Then pour all of your energy into loving him and caring for him in the ways HE needs you to, not necessarily the ways you read about or assume you should. Hey, while you’re at it, read Love Languages. It’s commercial, sure, but pretty enlightening. Speak his languages whenever you can and don’t make the mistake of expecting your languages to be the same. Become the world’s expert on him.
   He Said: Make sure her needs and desires are met, because you want to, not because you fear what may happen. A woman in love will make your dreams come true, so you should do everything in your power to return the favor…

2. Fun is Not Extra Credit.
   She Said: Seek adventure together! In every sense, both privately and as world-citizens, actively hunt for fun experiences, routine-busters, laughter, games, silliness, thrills, and more. Also… Sex and romance are vital parts of life. Neglecting them even for a short time will cause both of you to suffer in surprising ways. It’s totally natural, and it’s also one of the best ways to express yourself freely. So if you feel guilty for craving or enjoying fun with your guy, stop. And if you’re neglecting him, also… stop. Hubba-hubba.
   He Said:  Find things you both can enjoy, and do them often. There is no greater anticipation than looking forward to something fun together! Travel together and see the world. Build more experiences together than you could ever have apart. Sharing your lives is what makes your bond stronger. I could never imagine enjoying new things without her to share them with right then!

3. ‘Cause You Gotta Havva Faitha-Faitha-Faitha!
   She Said:  Trust. Yes, like respect, everyone likes to say that trust is earned, and it sort of is. But sometimes what a marriage needs most is that bold flavor of trust that is issued ahead of time, that trust that is given freely more as an act of faith than as a reward for some kind of behavior. (This is something I am learning right now, by the way, because personal insecurity is huge for me. And Handsome pays the price for it more than he deserves.) Trust your guy regardless of what people outside your relationship do or say.
   He Said:  Be honest at all costs. Nothing hurts a woman in love like the feeling of deceit. If you love her, you will share your thoughts and feelings.

4. You as a Couple Are Not an Island
   She Said:  Be good to each other’s families even when it’s difficult. Maybe especially when it’s difficult, because there will be days like that. Extend yourselves and maintain friendships with all kinds of people. Handsome and I have been so blessed in so many unexpected ways by getting close to a variety of interesting people. We feel so blessed to love each others families and love all of our friends! And I have learned so much about my husband in all of this. I can’t even imagine not having our loved ones close to our marriage, even as much as we definitely prize our intimacy and time alone.
   He Said:  Have a family. You will never fully appreciate the depth of your wife’s love until you see her mold the lives of little ones she loves more than her own breath.

   So there is our beginning! Four areas where Handsome and I had similar wisdom to share. I hope at least part of it is interesting to you, and I really hope you’ll share your thoughts and reactions! As with everything else in life, I have had so much fun learning a little more about him with this exercise.

   Part Two soon!

Happy Anniversary Baby
xoxoxoxo


 

Announcing Unsolicited Advice, Marital Edition

   You loooooovve receiving unsolicited advice, right? Especially about really important parts of life, like marriage? You love it when virtual strangers tell you what you’re doing wrong and how you can do it better, just like them, right? You basically do cartwheels when this happens? Thought so. And do I have a treat for you.

   Handsome and I are on the brink of celebrating our twelfth (FYI Margi I spelled that right the first time) wedding anniversary. And along the vein of how I celebrated my 39th birthday a few months ago, when I so generously burdened you fine souls with thirty-nine pieces of unsolicited life advice… In case you missed it, you can read Part One,  Part Two, and Part Three here… This week Handsome and I will be giving you twelve pieces of Unsolicited Marital Advice. Each. So that’s twenty-four nuggets of wisdom you didn’t even know you needed. For free.

   I know. It’s generous of us. Just hold your applause until the end, ok?

   The advice is forthcoming. In the mean time, I would just like to say in an official capacity that I desperately wish summertime would slow down. Like, seriously.

  • I want more months in the garden, just like this. 
  • I want more afternoons in the pool. 
  • I want more sunsets at nine p.m. 
  • More time with friends. 
  • More books read slowly in the hammock. 
  • More romance. 
  • More freedom. 
  • More road trips and frivolous adventures.
  • More basil. 
  • Sunburns. 
  • Blockbuster movies.
  • More of letting my hair dry naturally and then definitely not hot-rolling it. 
  • More of that smell of Handsome working on his cars in the sun. 
  • More sweaty horses. 
   I am madly in love with Summer 2013 for a million reasons. 

   Okay, fine friends. I hope you have a luscious day set up for yourselves, with a stellar weekend to follow. I hope your heartaches are manageable, your fears easily surrendered to Love. I hope you have all the energy and motivation you need to chase your dreams. Not tomorrow. Today.

   Stay tuned for Unsolicited Marital Advice!

“Be in love with your life.
 Every minute of it.”
 ~Jack Kerouac
 xoxoxoxo

Love Never Left Us

   Last night our famous little Oklahoma book club, Dinner Club With a Reading Problem, gathered for another lively and loving evening. It was my turn to host here at the farm. To add even more fun to the story, the scheduled event fell in the middle of our vacation time with nieces and nephews.

Once again, this week and next Handsome and I have a house full 
of wonderful children who belong to other people.
I have not yet taken the time to stop and write about 
all the fun we’re having with them this week!
So much. The farm is absolutely buzzing
with activity and laughter, love and memory making.
All my old fears about being adequate for a group of kids this age 
have dissolved in the fun soup of chlorine water and home cooked meals.
My heart is actually healing in unexpected ways, too.
And instead of stress I am feeling homesick already for when they leave.

   So last night my book club girls descended on us in their usual affectionate ways. They were, as always, armed with delicious edibles and intelligent remarks about the book we were discussing, A Return to Love by Marianne Williamson. More importantly, though, they brought compassion, insight, and wisdom. These are gifts we share with each other no matter what the topic; but with a title like A Return to Love that draws so much gritty, sometimes uncomfortable introspection, the gifts are a balm on open wounds.

    Have you read this book? It’s brimming with inspirational but also controversial themes. Here I wrote about my first gut reactions to the book. The seven of us who gathered did not agree on it across the board. And because our group is so diverse and we all feel so free to speak our minds, last night I had the chance to see the book in a different light. I learned more about my friends, too, and feel even closer to them now for the learning. Whether we individually “liked” the book or not, one common thread between us was the timeliness of the material. Whatever each of us gained from reading it, whether glowing inspiration or painful personal challenge, seemed to be received at a time we really needed it. And sharing our thoughts and feelings with each other just kind of intensified the experience.

   Our fun lasted for several hours, from the heat of rush hour traffic to the moonlit dark of night. We grazed on good food, though perhaps less of it than usual; the summer heat has possibly zapped our appetites. We watched as two of my three resident teens, Sammy and Koston, made fast friends with Tracy’s daughter Lauren and her friend Sophie. They swam and told ghost stories and seemed to bond as well as lifelong friends ever do. We welcomed my third resident sweetie Harley as a guest in our discussion. She is an avid young reader, eager to discuss things in depth, and has a craving to start her own book club. We purchased for quarters and dollars several piles of castoff books out of the trunk of Seri’s minivan. We watched the llama family and tolerated the screaming parrot. Some of us played with frogs and jumped on the trampoline. Some of us most certainly did not.

   We shared fears about serious illness and the spider-webbing effects it can have on life. We talked a lot about parental relationships, both abstractly and intimately. My friends had good advice for me, and they cannot know how much I appreciate it. We talked about the human ego, the female tendency to berate ourselves while glorifying others, and the difficult power of taking long hard looks in the mirror. Somehow, probably because we all needed it, the talks kept circling back to the mechanics of surrender. Once you know you should turn something over to God, or faith, or Love, or prayer, however you express that yourself, how do you actually go about doing it? What does surrender look and feel like? What are the dance moves, so to speak? And how powerful is the imagination, after all?

   I’ll eventually get around to writing a proper book review, but here are some of the quotes we shared with each other as among our favorites. All are directly quoted from the book and belong to Marianne Williamson:

I accept the beauty within me as who I really am.
***
That which is surrendered is taken care of best.
***
What we withhold from others, we withhold from ourselves.
***
We can’t really give to our children what we don’t have ourselves.
***
Faith is the acknowledgement of union.
***
We create what we defend against.
***
Sharing our gifts is what makes us happy. 
We’re most powerful and God’s power is most apparent on earth, 
when we’re happy.

   I love my book club so much. I love every single woman here and miss dearly those who have moved on. I love the community we have built. I love the growth we enjoy. I love the recipes we share. I love our mutual addiction to books and reading. I love that we all get excited when we discover a young woman wanting to start her own book club at school.

   The downstairs of our house is still happily littered with crumb-dusted serving plates, stacks of used books, a bowl of grapes, and a few empty glasses. The Apartment is still full of sleeping beauties. The red wicker lawn furniture is draped in damp beach towels and errant socks. At midnight I filled the dishwasher and ran it but didn’t have the heart to clean everything up. As always, the loving vibrations are too irresistible to swipe away so soon. I just want to wrap up in the feeling and find all of my people and wrap them up too. Especially my babies, my girls who are nearly women now. Please pray for them.

   Thanks so much for another invaluable night, friends. We have real love among us. I am still trusting that amazing miracles are in store for each of you. At the farm we are enjoying a return to love in so many ways, the biggest being the realization that Love never left us.

All You Need is Love
xoxoxoxo