Lazy W Marie

Carpeing all the diems in semi-rural Oklahoma...xoxo

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good news brewing

You who stop here and read my farm stories and book reviews and clumsy philosophy or spiritual meanderings, my running diaries, sporadic garden ideas and recipes and Ted Bundy memories, you are very special to me. You are friends who accept the crazy, irregular things I have to offer, and you often return the favor with so many beautiful thoughts and words of your own. While writing itself is cathartic, your support and affection truly nourish me. And I know you have hundreds of blogs available where you can spend your limited reading time. I know that. So I appreciate your attentive hearts all the more.

I like the idea of you sitting in my living room with your feet up, like this, dirty garden boots and everything. I just made you coffee and biscotti.
I like the idea of you sitting in my living room with your feet up, like this, dirty garden boots and everything. I just made you coffee and biscotti. We discuss everything under the Oklahoma sun.

In addition to being so generous, you have also been very patient with certain measures of ambiguity.

Over the years I have alluded to changing family dynamics and a deep grief I have carried for my children. Maybe you know part of our story, and maybe you don’t. But with few exceptions this blog has been a safe, prayerful, encouraging place to sort of synthesize all of my thoughts and feelings. Here, I get the chance to put into words not just what’s happening inside me or around me from day to day, month to month, but more importantly… the possible meanings behind things. Lessons to learn and hope to cement. And I know that usually sounds like stuff about the miracle of seeds germinating or the strength of a honey bee colony. Apparently this is the arena where God speaks to me.

God has been so good to us. He has sustained us over the years in amazing ways, and I try to celebrate that here and share it with you. He has been good to us in the garden, with the animals, and with our children, even (especially) when the pain has been excruciating, both for us and for them. And things have been hard. No doubt about it.

In recent weeks though, we’ve been more than sustained. Love is transforming things. As filled with miracles as our life has always been, this showering of grace and revelation is unprecedented. And resisting the urge to write about it all has felt unnatural, itchy. I am omitting the biggest stories in our life to talk about, what? What is more important?

So.

I’ll still be guarded with what I share, mostly because these stories are not all mine to tell; but I will begin to share some of the amazing things God is doing for our family. I owe at least that much. And honestly I can hardly hold it in any more.

joc sunset dusty

So this is me taking a deep breath and preparing to share some good news with you. Tentatively, with carefully chosen words, but still with so much unbridled joy!

Thank you so much for listening and praying.
You have no idea how much it means.
XOXOXOXO

 

low visibility

All week we have been wrapped in thick, wet fog. Cool, gray, drizzly, dense fog that keeps our vision close and our temperatures low. And for all the dreariness, it has been magical. Oklahoma rarely has this many consecutive foggy days. I find it perfectly enchanting.

Walking around the farm, the intense moisture slicks my eyeballs and makes my wavy hair curly. The ground is saturated. Spongy. We look for the animals around the farm but only see them as blue shadows and silhouettes emerging from the blurry distance. And barely a breeze moves the naked trees.

The Pine Forest is a still life of flat, sharp edges, a painted cardboard scene for a fairy tale puppet show. All dressed in that enchanted fog.

I can feel the clock hands slowing down under the weight of it all, and it is wonderful.

fog, lazy w, oklahoma, faith
Dulcinea in the denim blue, foggy twilight.

Of course driving in the heavy fog takes special care, too. You absolutely must go slowly, and your lights cannot be too direct, too far reaching. The fog draws us in, folds us over onto ourselves a bit, shrinks our vision. This frustrates some people, but it’s temporary.

Everything, after all, is temporary.

Mysteries that seem unfathomable are dissolved in the warm light of truth. Terrible walls crumble apart. People are reunited by Love in ways that no one might predict.

The fog eventually lifts.

So if you are feeling socked in by life, if you’re having trouble seeing very far into the future, take heart. Sometimes that’s just how it is. Take a deep breath then let it out, slowly. Be very still and quiet. Take a look around yourself, right exactly where you are. There is plenty to be done in this moment, and there is plenty to enjoy, too.

Don’t be bothered by the fog. It will eventually thin out and disappear completely. The horizon will be clear again, your vision full. Soon the sun will be dazzling bright again, maybe when you least expect it.

Until that moment, be here. Be very present and calm, very still and safe in this moment, and enjoy the world’s magical appearance. Soon the rest of it will be revealed.

Take therefore no thought for the morrow:
for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself.
Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof.
~Matthew 6:34
XOXOXOXO

what I learned in november

Hi friends! Welcome to Tuesday. For the first time ever I am linking up with Emily over at Chatting With the Sky. She is the sweet, smart author of A Million Little Ways which I devoured recently and have been pushing on my friends the same way I push food onto my daughter when she visits the farm. (Translation: So much and with gobs of effusiveness!)

Once a month Emily hosts a cool link up for people to share what they’ve been learning. Anything at all. Fun, right?  I know! So here’s my contribution for November:

 

what i learned in november

 

Baby llamas can flat-foot jump four-foot high fences. And it’s awesome. Meh, about five months old now, recently displayed a new talent. In order to reach Handsome on the other side of a four-foot predator fence, with no running start whatsoever, he just sprang vertically into the air and landed with aplomb on the earth not two feet away. Probably for a cookie. We were duly impressed. And now we have to keep the front gate shut at all times.

"Meh." xoxoxo
“Meh.” xoxoxo

Crocheting scarves is a great way to pass some time while watching Dexter with Handsome. I’m getting pretty good less terrible at a single-double chain stitch. Very relaxing and somewhat productive.

Hens are vain creatures. We accidentally left the front door open a few days ago and turned around to see Red Nekkid Neck hen and this gorgeous black hen exploring the living room. Just, you know, pooping on the wood floors. No biggie. The nameless black hen was perched on my favorite green chair, staring with deep and fascinated longing at herself. Do you have name suggestions for such a vain creature?

aww you sexy thang!
Aww, you sexy thang!

Mixing both sides of our family at a tenuous, change-filled season for everyone was at once genius and insane. We hosted our two nuclear groups at the farm for Thanksgiving this year, and we made a thousand memories and had a great time, truly. But I learned that spreading myself too thinly among people who have to make a great effort to blend with each other, well, it kind of leaves everyone feeling awkward. It is wonderful too, don’t get me wrong! But it was a learning experience. If someone ever asks my advice on this issue, I would say that overextending yourself in grief-stricken times, with limited hours available to spend with your loved ones, can leave everyone feeling a bit shortchanged. Sometimes it’s better to really water your families’ roots deeply. One at a time.

Listening trumps talking. And believing the best in people and in uncertain situations makes a difference. You know, faith is a force to be reckoned with. This past month I have literally fallen asleep giving thanks so many times. And my waking hours have been blissfully free of worry. It’s the most amazing transformation ever. I am learning the fruition part of the power of imagination, the potential of faithful prayers. How are you doing with this?

Adult footie pajamas are the bomb-dot-com. Have you seen them in retail land yet? Super cute. And even moreso soft and comfy. I can’t even tell you how fast you should go out and buy some for immediate cuddling, pretend flying through the air, and extended air-ninja-battles with errant poultry. We recently rearranged the living room, allowing for a long, wide path in the wood floor. Wearing my cool footie pj’s I can slide right down that slick alleyway like Tom Cruise in Risky Business. Not much less awesome that a jumping llama.

supergirl footie onesie pajamas

And it’s December! I am two days deep in decorating, organizing, fitness, reading great books, and generally loving life. Now I’m off to see what the other guests at Emily’s link up have learned. Thanks so much for stopping by! What are you learning?

“I am learning all the time.
The tombstone will be my diploma.”
~Eartha Kitt
XOXOXO

 

thanksgiving heart prep

With only days until Thanksgiving, my heart is shifting in miraculous ways. So is our life. Life is shifting in miraculous ways, and I feel it over and over again at the most unexpected moments. The more I consciously still myself and concentrate on that shifting sensation, the more it expands. And it feels wonderful. Unpredictable, a little scary maybe, but wonderful. Long-whispered prayers are being answered for us, out of the blue.

At the same time, loss that we would never have predicted is carving big holes in our bones. Loved ones gone, loved ones missing. All our traditions and routines are cast in a new light, and it’s not always pretty. Of course the holiday season brings all of this center stage.

Life, despite loss, is thriving. This holiday season will be much different from last year. Just as last year was much different from the year before. It’s this brackish water where we’re always drawn to swim, this deep pool, warm and salty like tears. But clear and sparkling in the sun. Both.

Sometimes in bitter moments I wonder if life sends us pain to temper the joy, to keep us humble. But in my heart I believe the opposite: That life sends us joy to help us bounce back from pain. To give us good things to reach for, people to actively love, instead of crumbling in around ourselves.

The Not Always Lazy W, thelazyw, oklahoma

This week we did a pretty silly thing. On a whim of decluttering mania, owed in part to the recent snow storm (cabin fever makes us want to clean) but mostly to a summer’s worth of collecting and indulgent fake decorating, Handsome and I sold a bunch of our furniture and put even more in storage. Dishes, too. The downstairs front room is pretty much empty now, vacant and echo-y like we just moved in. Pacino the parrot loves the new acoustics.

And it turns out we’re hosting Thanksgiving! haha, Haha, see what I mean? Shifting. Life is shifting, but it mostly gives me this effervescent feeling in my belly, and it warms my heart. Let’s call it… Emotional champagne. Okay?

lazyw, The Not Always Lazy W

Maybe because I’m a Pisces? I don’t know. But this back-and-forth swimmy reality, this brackish-water awareness that life is both grief and joy, both profound loss and shocking, blinding relief, it pleases me deeply. The balance keeps me upright and in the moment. Anything is possible. Both thrilling and terrifying, every day holds the potential for very real miracles.

So I have learned to look neither too far ahead nor too far in the past, except to give thanks and ask for grace. This day, this exact moment, is more than enough. We are not alone, and no matter what happens we will be okay.

thelazyw, The Not Always Lazy W, oklahoma, faith, thanksgiving
dormancy and new life holding hands

Back to Thanksgiving prep! This weekend Handsome and I are recharging our batteries a bit. Hoping to spend some time with good friends and maybe our oldest daughter. Probably doing a little domestic rearranging, a little nest feathering. A lot of romancing.

As I type, the skies are bluish gray and pouring rain all over the golden trees and pale, dormant fields. Beats of thunder are rumbling gently. We are sipping perfect coffee and watching old episode of Rifle Man. Sifting though Pinterest boards to really zero in on Thanksgiving projects. Enduring the occasional outburst from our acoustic-loving parrot. Every moment is so full. Pressed to the edges with life.

Okay. Turkey Day.

If you’re like me you like to look around and see what the experts are doing to prepare for the holidays. I have found a handful of really stellar posts that have sent my hostess soul absolutely into the stratosphere! Please check these out, if you haven’t already…

  • King Arthur Flour offered a detailed outline of preparing the feast itself. Really detailed, practical, and customizable!
  • Speaking of detailed, of course, there is the queen of step-by-step, Oklahoma’s very own Pioneer Woman. This post from 2008 is great. And it’s illustrated!
  • Then the Nester wrote about hospitality and how she needed to offer it to herself first, to refill her well. Beautiful! Must read. I teared up a few times and craved a frothy coffee and decided that my newly emptied living room shall be decorated with all kinds of new texture. Go see for yourself.
  • Possibly my most beloved blogger, Edie, wrote an equally beautiful but more colorful post on her Thanksgiving prep. She always shares both the how-to and the why, and that’s why I appreciate her so much. My favorite part? Her admonition to cup our hands on the faces of our loved ones, make eye contact, and tell them thank you.

What treasures have you found to read? What’s happening in your heart this Thanksgiving? I hope you can see your blessings clearly, up close, and with the heavy weight of gratitude that also lifts your burdens. I hope you too can enjoy swimming in the bright, salty, brackish waters of life.

leaves

Happy weekend, friends! Much love from the Lazy W.

God has two dwellings.
One in heaven and the other
in a meek and thankful heart.
Izaak Walton
xoxoxoxo

 

worries melting like snowflakes

This morning Handsome and I crept outside for a later-than-usual Hot Tub Summit. The air was cold and gray, the sky already quilted white and releasing a slow, reluctant curtain of snowflakes. We soaked up both the cold and the heat and unbraided ourselves from sleep. With nowhere to go today and a blessedly short list of duties, we had a really easy time staying relaxed. Oklahoma weather teams have been preparing us all week for a snowfall today, maybe an inch. And while we never fully trust the forecast, we did get a little excited. If not for the cold (Handsome belongs only on the beach), then certainly for the unwritten excuse to hibernate. We are happily immersed in season two of Dexter right now. Plus, so much romance… We have lots of ways to pass the time.

While we were sitting in the steaming froth I watched several fat, lazy snowflakes flirt in circles in the cold air around us. They melted easily, even before touching our skin. The steam probably dissolved them. I closed my eyes and took a silent inventory of all the little dagger-shaped worries that have bothered me this week. So many small, panicky moments, so many sudden fears piercing my happiness. Mostly what-if thoughts about my children.

Phantom worries that never came to fruition.

I am so lucky to be nourished by crystal-clear scripture, good literature, the best of friends, and more than my fair share of Love. Basically, grace. Loads and loads of grace. Had those dagger-shaped thoughts landed on a cold heart they might have stuck. They might have pierced me through and drained me of all my life. But instead, they fell over and over again on a warm, healthy place. They melted before they really touched me.

I have nothing against the snow. It’s beautiful and muffled and rare. It is infinitely more pleasurable that ice, after all, so when we get a blanket of the magical stuff I don’t mind celebrating it. I especially don’t mind hibernating with my handsome husband.

In the hours since this morning’s hot tub magic, we have received much more than the single inch the weather folks predicted. The farm is heavily snowed under, thick piles of it everywhere. But the message is still clear to me: Tiny worries melt quickly in the heat of faith and Love. They can pile up too, if we let them.

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Please forgive my mixed metaphors, friends.

More importantly, feed your faith. Nourish you heart and keep it warm. Stay healthy and receptive to the best of things. It helps you resist worry. It helps you stay whole.

Signing off to count my blessings and go watch a baby llama play in the snow.

Thank you for stopping in, friends.
Much love and many melted snowflakes to you.
XOXOXOXO