Lazy W Marie

Carpeing all the diems in semi-rural Oklahoma...xoxo

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haunted farm (part 2)

November 1, 2014

read part one here

Where we left off, it was early morning the day after the event. I had just woken up to the sounds of my husband returning to our bedroom, not rising from our bed as I expected (remember I thought he had come upstairs sometime during the night and wrapped himself around me). He got ready for work, left without saying goodbye. The previous day’s thick tension swelled up again.

I moved through my chores around the farm, grumpy and indignant, refusing to be the one to break the silence. But as the hours passed it became increasingly difficult to ignore the eerie vision I’d had at the dining room window. I couldn’t shake the steeliness of that eye contact. I needed to talk to my guy about this but waited until the afternoon to even text him.

haunted farm, lazy w, ghost stories, haunted oklahoma
This is the door where around 10:00 the previous night I saw an unidentified man standing and staring at me.

When I finally did break down and text him I’m sure it was about something trite and petty, any dumb excuse to connect. Thankfully he answered and was in a similar state of needing to talk. As it turns out, his evening was no less bizarre than mine. We broached the topic casually, cautiously, not with the kind of gleeful delight you might have when telling a second-hand ghost story. The mood from both of us was very much I can’t believe I’m saying this but what happened last night?

To hear my husband tell his side of the story, this is what happened inside the house while I was simmering angrily outside:

After the fight, the fight about nothing, he set up camp in the greenroom downstairs and purposefully watched shows we both love, at full volume. He saw and heard me walk through the house toward the hot tub but remained stoic. This, folks, is how we hurt each other. This is about as bad as it ever gets.

To fully paint the next part of this picture, you have to understand that he is a creature of such unerring habit that the following details are key: He laid on exactly the same pillows as always. He arranged his three (why are there so many?) remotes in exactly the same order as always. And because he was downstairs there was no timer set on the television. There was no provision for it to click off at a certain time.

A little while after starting his shows and hearing me walk outside (in a huff, by his account), Handsome heard me come back inside and close the door kind of hard. I made coffee for the morning and marched upstairs. He loves to know he’s gotten under my skin, so surely this helped him relax. He fell asleep watching whatever.

Then.

At some point during the night he claims to have woken up to me pulling a blanket up over his shoulder. Our couch in this room is an L-shaped sectional, allowing for sort of perpendicular cuddling, and he says that I laid down on the opposite expanse from his, our heads near each other, and cuddled him. He reached over, thinking I had returned in love and that we were reconciled, and he stroked my hair.

Or so he thought.

to be continued

2 Comments
Filed Under: anecdotes, HalloweenTagged: ghost story, Halloween, haunted farm

haunted farm (part 1)

October 31, 2014

The Lazy W is haunted is a few ways, mostly friendly.
But a few years ago we experienced something not so friendly
and defying explanations.

haunted farm lazy w oklahoma ghost story
My friend Heather takes the most amazing photos, and she has a particular eye for the sky. Mesmerizing. This crescent moon from a few day ago reminds me a lot of the moon on this night in question.

I cannot remember the exact month this happened, but in my memory the weather was cool but warming slowly. The sky was cloudy but dry. This all started late at night, maybe around ten.

For some reason neither of can remember now, Handsome and I were in a pretty big fight. The angriest words were long over and we had moved into that simmering heat and silence. It was a standoff, we both remember that, but we really have no idea why we were fighting. Looking back, there was just a vague, oppressive tension that hung over the house, and we had both succumbed to it.

He set up his angry, silent camp in the green room downstairs, where we normally watch movies together, cuddle, and sometimes even spend he night. I felt so hurt and angry that I did something fairly radical and went out to the hot tub by myself. That may not seem like such a big deal to you, but around here we rarely, if ever, do this. The hot tub is an annex to our bedroom, the place where we start our mornings together with coffee, and just generally a special place. But so is the green room! And I kinda remember he was watching a show we usually watch together. Not cool. That was his big silent statement. So mine was to walk through the house in a just towel and soak in our hot tub alone. Simmering in every way.

So I was outside in the scalding, frothy water, maybe thirty yards from the house, on the edge of the south lawn. I remember lots of moonlight and clouds. The heat was helping me relax, but whatever anger I’d patted down began to resurface when I looked up. I thought I saw my husband standing at the dining room door and staring at me through the window. You know that feeling when, even at a great distance, you sense eye contact? I felt that. And it made me even angrier. I wasn’t surprised that knowing I was in the hot tub alone made him angry and prompted him to come see for himself; that’s pretty much what I was going for. What made me so mad was that he continued to just stand there and stare at me for about five minutes, just looking. Not coming to talk to me, no apologies (for what I still have no idea), nothing. Not even a hand gesture or movement. Just standing behind the glass pane and staring.

Then I noticed the silhouette wasn’t exactly my husband’s. The standing, staring figure was significantly taller than the glass, while my husband might stand right below it, just barely. And the figure watching me had shoulders much wider than the glass, too. The glass is almost three feet wide. Finally, what hair of his I could see was shocking silver-white. Moppy. This was not my husband, but he continued to stare.

I was instantly alert and wanted to scream but had that paralytic, wide eyed rigidity. I sat there with steam rising in front of my face, returning the eerie stare coming at me from the house. Somehow I scrambled out of the hot tub, wrapped up in my towel, and decided to run to the house.

Looking back I cannot remember exactly when I stopped seeing the figure in the dining room window, or why I felt safer running toward it than away, but all I wanted to do was get closer to my husband, this man I was who was helping me maintain the adolescent silent treatment.

Once inside the house, everything seemed normal. The television was still on but Handsome said nothing to me. I assumed he was awake and therefore choosing to say nothing to me, so I renewed my pout and walked upstairs. Going to bed alone is about as unheard of as hot tub soaking alone, so I was really laying it on thick now.

Once dry and warm and snuggled in bed alone, I started thinking more about the weird vision and wondered what to make of it. I consciously dismissed it and drifted off to sleep. Sometime during the night, I felt my husband crawl into bed with me, warm and strong, and wrap himself around me. Or so I thought.

The next morning I woke up alone in our cold bed to the sound of him walking into our bedroom, not trying at all to be quiet. He showered and dressed for work then left without saying goodbye. I was stunned. It colored my entire day.

to be continued

7 Comments
Filed Under: anecdotes, HalloweenTagged: ghost story, haunted farm, haunted Oklahoma, Lazy W

open letter to squash bugs

August 22, 2014

Dear Squash Bugs,

I hate you.

I hate you with the heat of a thousand suns. I wish you would die.

squash bug infestation 2013

No, wishing your death is too easy for you and too difficult for me. Because, as you probably know, killing you quickly and en masse could also kill my beloved and productive honeybees. Are you productive? No. Are you beloved? Not by a soul. Not by anyone who knows the real you.

So instead I wish you banishment to a land where no zucchini or pumpkins or eggplant grow. I wish you a new and unfamiliar home devoid of even cucumber plants.  Because apparently my abundant squash garden wasn’t enough for you, and you had to also decimate my raw pickles. 

Squash bugs, I hope that whenever you get dolled up and go out on the town, you unwittingly drag behind you long strands of filthy toilet paper from the public restroom stall where, ironically, there was no TP for you to clean yourself. Like you care. You’re so disgusting.

I hope that the cute doctor with whom you flirt shamelessly sees you to your dark, destructive core and gags when you speak. I hope people give bad Yelp reviews to the restaurants and hotels you frequent, just because you stink up the place so much.

And I hope that when you enter a public swimming pool mothers drag their children to safety and even apathetic teenaged boys are disgusted at sharing the chlorinated water with you.

In fact, I hope that one by one your supposed friends abandon you and are embarrassed to have ever been associated with you.  

May you invite other insects to a dinner party at your new stupid squash bug house, and may they all accept with saccharine grins, but at the last minute everyone secretly coordinates to just not show up. So you have to do all the work anyway then just sit there alone, watching your candles burn slowly in the greedy solitude. You’ll have to eat all that food yourself, but you’re used to that, aren’t you? You didn’t prepare it with anyone else in mind, anyway. You’re so selfish.

I hope that every person who has endured your belittling, condescending, manipulative personality over the years will get to watch your slow, awkward, painful decline. I hope you starve and suffer no matter how many of our pumpkins you have stolen. And I hope that the pumpkins still in your grasp see you for the monster you are.

Is that why you do it, squash bugs? Do you know what a monster you are, yet you hate yourself for it, and your nastiness is a cry for help? Are you begging for attention, affirmation, acceptance?

You will never be accepted. There is no excuse for the things you have done so repeatedly. And any attention you get is, at best, pity.

You have hurt us for the last time, and the scars you have left will only cause us to fight back harder next year. Because you will not have the final word, not with my garden.

Squash bugs, you are just ugly, pathetic, desperate opposition to anything good and true and beautiful. 

And that eggplant makes your butt look enormously fat.

Run and hide. 

XOXOXO

Marie

Related articles across the web

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  • Last of the Summer Garden

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Filed Under: anecdotes, gardeningTagged: garden, pests, squash bugs

friday 5 at the farm: bison trivia

August 15, 2014

Hello friends! We’re winding down another work week, and to cap off all the chores and cooking and cleaning and gardening and errands and bee stings and intense office hours (not for me obviously) and general toil, how about a quick Friday Five?

It occurs to me that not all of you have visited the actual dirt-and-hooves Lazy W, so you don’t know all of our animals personally. Well, in the coming weeks I’m gonna try to fix that. They are each so lovable and interesting, and we have learned so much just by living with and caring for them.

One of the most unusual creatures here is a young male bison. His name is Chunk-Hi, and he pretty much has us wrapped around his little hooves. Here are five things you might not know about bison, as taught to us by Chunk.

Our beloved Chunk-hi, male bison, four years old in this photo. Gentle giant. xoxo
Our beloved Chunk-hi, male bison, four years old in this photo. Gentle giant. xoxo

 

And yes, for the record, we usually call him a buffalo. It might not be scientifically correct, but we don’t get too worked up over that. We have more important things to fret over, like the cost of sugar for the welfare bees.

Okay.

Bison-buffalo facts:

#1. They start off as calves looking completely different! They are born with a gentle little hump, but still their body shape is much closer to a traditional cow compared to how they look as adults. And bison calves are a golden, caramelish, yummy bronze color, not dark and nearly black like they are later in life (thought that color scheme is also striking). I’ve always understood this coloring would help the babies stay concealed from predators in the golden prairie grasses that grow in this part of the country, their native land. Seems legit. Calves are woolly, curly, and 100% precious. Those eyes! They stay like this for several months, about as long as they nurse their mamas. In Chunk-hi’s case, it was about as long as we bottle fed him.

Jessica was almost 12 that summer and indispensable in helping me keep the bison calves full of milk! They learned to love the sight of the big plastic bottles and would suck on our hands for a long time after each feeding. Very sweet bonding time.
Jessica was almost 12 that summer and indispensable in helping me keep the bison calves full of milk! They learned to love the sight of the big plastic bottles and would suck on our hands for a long time after each feeding. Very sweet bonding experience.

#2. Buffs (see? I call them whatever I want) are skittish. Despite their enormous size and mass, despite how dangerous they can be, these animals have extremely fragile sensibilities. You can hurt their feelings by looking at them the wrong way, and especially young buffs will jump and bolt at a sudden noise. Our Chunk-hi has stiffened his nerves over time, but still it is not unusual to see him running for his life, high speed away from Mama Goose, who is basically a mean and bitter old woman. You can tell a buff is upset by watching his body langiuage. For example, and I do not know if this is true for regular cows, a tail raised stright up in the air is bad. Real bad. I call it the exclamation point tail, and it means he is on high alert, and you should be too. Just give him a cookie and stand your ground. Do not run. Walk slowly away, sideways if possible, without giving the appearance of retreat. Which brings me to my next point of bison trivia…

#3. They love cookies. I mean, LOVE them. We have an inside track to rejected Nabisco product, so every few months the farm is restocked with about a million packages of Oreos, Triscuits, graham crackers, you name it. Once upon a time I would eat a lot of that myself, but you know… Running. So now they all belong to our animals. Chunk’s favorite is probably Chips Ahoy, and I don’t blame him. Even slightly out-dated, those things are good. I’d pay big bucks to see him use his hooves to dunk a sleeve of cookies into a big bowl of milk. Visitors to the farm are usually game for feeding him sweet, crunchy treats, and they always get slobbered (bison are profuse slobberers) and sometimes gently bit.

Nabisco, if you are reading this, would you like to sponsor our farm? Our buff loves Chips Ahoy. So much.
Nabisco, if you are reading this, would you like to sponsor our farm? Our buff loves Chips Ahoy. So much.

#4. Bison also love to be loved. Like any creature, they need loads of affection and attention, and they also thrive on good philosophical conversation. Chunk loves to have his fuzzy, oblong ears stroked and scratched. He loves to have his eyes cupped and play gone-gone peekaboo. And he loves to press his massive forehead against the wire fencing so you can scratch him riiiiiight there, thank-you-very much. It helps that a bison will eat a big meal then go sit in a sandy wallow to digest it and perhaps chew some cud, because this is prime time to chill with him and just talk things over. Get it all out, you know? Catch up with each other. He is not in a hurry during cud time, and he appreciates you not being in a hurry, either. Sometimes he even lets you paint his horns fun colors.

Handsome was working in his car shop one winter afternoon when Chunk was probably three years old. The overhead door was open. Chunk snuck up him and was rewarded with colorful paint stripes. The look on his face. I cannot get ENOUGH of it!! xoxo
Handsome was working in his car shop one winter afternoon when Chunk was probably three years old. The overhead door was open. Chunk snuck up him and was rewarded with colorful paint stripes. The look on his face. I cannot get ENOUGH of it!! xoxo

#5. American Buffalo are shed machines. Each winter they grow these thick, truly impressive, impenetrable manes and full body coats of water-resistant, woolly fur. It keeps them warm and indifferent to the ice storms and heavy rains. Chunk actually seems to enjoy snow. When he was a baby he would run and flip around in it just like a kid. But when the days warm up, of course, this incredible heavy garment is a problem. So starting in the springtime he begins to let loose the fluff and we find great big heaps of it all over the farm. He rubs against trees, fences, and horses, much to their chagrin. He lets me scrape him with a plastic garden rake. And it hangs in tightly woven, continuous sheets off of his barrel belly. Native American legends tell us that if a bison “gifts” you his fur, in other words, if he releases it to your hands easily when you have not sought after it, then he is lending you his magic. And buffalo magic is very special. I’ll write more about that another time.

Chunk-hi's first winter. He had just sprouted little tiny buffalo horn buds! When I first posted this photo to my private Facebook page, people didn't know what he was. Someone guess a groundhog. : ))
Chunk-hi’s first winter. He had just sprouted little tiny buffalo horn buds! When I first posted this photo to my private Facebook page, people didn’t know what he was. Someone guessed a groundhog. : ))

 

Bison shed
Bison shed

 

So there you have it! Five things you might not have known about bison-buffs. Do you know any fun trivia you’d like to share? Do you have any questions we can try to answer? Have you been to the W and taken photos with Chunk? If so I would be SO HAPPY if you posted those to this blog’s Facebook page. How fun. We love collecting happy memories.

Thanks for joining me today! I wish you a beautiful, restful weekend filled with exactly what you need.

Tune in next week for Marathon Monday stuff, an Alfredo recipe, a chicken photo shoot, and more.

“You can lead a buffalo anywhere he wants to go.”
~old adage we try to never forget
XOXOXOXO

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Filed Under: anecdotes, animals, Buffalo, daily life, Farm Life, Friday 5 at the Farm, funny, memories

A Few Animal Updates

November 28, 2012

1.   The llama was skunked last night. Or this morning. Or this afternoon. Or possibly all three, judging from his stench, which I caught on a stiff breeze while photographing him today. His pasture-mates are clean as whistles, though, so hopefully this means that Sir Romulus has finally accepted his role as varmint-dismisser. I absolutely swell with pride to imagine him scooping his long, noodly neck really low and trotting aggressively after a black-and-white intruder. Good boy, Romulus. Good, stinky, untouchable boy.

I can’t even cope with how beautiful his eyes are.

2.   The chickens still have not provided me any more eggs. Well, I have collected exactly ONE EGG this week. If by some chance you have been watching my little egg counter on the sidebar over there and wondered if I have just forgotten to update it… No. Just no eggs. Do you know how embarrassing it is to buy a carton of  snow white eggs at the grocery store? I feel like such a fraud. Like everyone there knows. Watching me examine eggs as if I have a choice. Judging me. Calculating in their heads how much money I have wasted on chicken scratch this month. Anyway, the feathery ladies do not appear to be molting; they have plenty of sunshine and fresh water; and only two roosters are around to “bother” them. Hubba hubba. So I know in my calcium-deprived bones that a giant clutch of eggs is somewhere on these nine acres. Somewhere. Not in the barn or the coop, but somewhere I will find them. Eventually. Or I will find a little nursery school of fresh baby chicks, which are only slightly less delicious.

An old photo, from more productive days…

3.   But Mia’s love is still going strong. I sat in the sunny front yard today and fed him and his downy compadres a bag of stale bread, and he cuddled and honked me properly. I happened to be listening to music via headphones at the time, though, and apparently he objected to this. He started pecking at my head and really zeroed in on my headphones, almost in perfect beat to Ice Ice Baby which is the song that was playing at the time. The thing is, Mia is simply too young to appreciate fake rap from that era.

Stop! Collaborate and Listen! Mia’s back!

4.   My friend, neighbor, and fellow book clubber Seri surprised me today with a tray of made-from-scratch sweet potato biscuits! You guys, they are so good. So soft and pillowy and sweet, just the exact thing I needed for an afternoon pick-me-up. But I tore off a little corner and offered it to Chunk-Hi and he not very politely refused. He really likes crunchy treats, we should always try to remember. Oh well, more for me. Thanks Seri!

Crunchy stuff only, please, Momma.

5.   Our parrot, Bobby Pacino, is not only learning new words lately; he is also assembling his growing vocabulary in terrifying fascinating ways. I knew it was coming, because in the days leading up to a burst of new words and phrases, Pacino always sits quietly on his perch, eyes lowered, one claw massaging his throat. I really need to write down every single thing he can say, because it’s pretty impressive. This week his new thing is “I don’t appreciate it, OK?” We’ve heard worse from him, unfortunately, but for some reason this sentence just cracks me up. The thing is, he says it with such appropriate disgust. His inflection, you guys, is spot on.

Someone told me… If you have a parrot 
and you aren’t teaching him to say
“Help! They changed me into a parrot!”
Then you’re wasting your time.

Oblah-Di, Oblah-Dah!
xoxoxoxo
 

6 Comments
Filed Under: anecdotes, animals, daily life

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Hi! I'm Marie. Welcome to the Lazy W. xoxo

Hi! I’m Marie. This is the Lazy W.

A hobby farming, book reading, coffee drinking, romance having, miles running girl in Oklahoma. Soaking up the particular beauty of every day. Blogging on the side. Welcome to the Lazy W!

I Believe Strongly in the Power of Gratitude & Joy Seeking

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