On Christmas morning, we stood outside in tee shirts and bare feet, marveling at the unseasonably warm weather. Sun shone abundantly, and a vivid blue and black butterfly landed on the northeast corner of our house, warming itself on the brick.
We had just enjoyed a sweet and festive overnight celebration with Jess and Alex, truly a glittery and affectionate family Christmas. This had followed a long and scary week with my Mom in the hospital, then a few days of intense last minute prep for the holiday. I was feeling both deeply satisfied and profoundly tired. Handsome was starting his week long vacation, and we were excited to collapse a little bit into some uneventful days, just resting and cocooning together.
The next day when our world threatened to fall apart, I thought of that butterfly. It had appeared almost exactly twenty four hours earlier, but it felt like a month ago. The butterfly appeared then in that reality, but that world no longer felt like ours.
The thing is, I am a sucker for a metaphor. My mind searches constantly for parallels and omens, messages and patterns in daily life. Hidden meanings. Usually this serves me pretty well, but for the past eight days or so, my thoughts have been so turbulent and my heart so hurt, I can’t quite get a clear picture.
This week I have typed out and deleted dozens of pages trying to explain what happened, how it affects us and why this feels like history repeating itself in new brutal ways, what sense I have managed to make of it all, and more. But none of it feels worth sharing. I just want to anchor my thoughts to the deep knowlede that God is in control. Remember that our peace is linked directly to how deeply and consistently we stay aligned with Him.
I try to remember the butterfly appearing out of context. Beauty where it doesn’t belong, you know?
I try to remember that Love does win, and this includes the private spaces of my own heart. I cannot afford to hate people, not even temporarily to soothe myself, ha. (Why does hate feel just a little bit good, for just a minute?)
I try to remember that truth has a way of coming to light. Sunshine sanitizes. And often the truth comes out with no help from us.
I try to remember the personal immense value of doing regular, daily work. Simple stuff. Meaningful, steady, physical work. As unto God, not for anyone’s approval.
I try to remember the importance of harnessing my imagination, which is really tough when your body is filled alternately with either rage, fear, or grief. But it does matter. Imagination is powerful.
I try to remember that miracles are happening all around us. And stepping out of our own storm to be aware of other people’s realities can be really helpful. My grandmother was so good at this.
I try to see the hidden answers, the gifts secreted to us in the midst of what we could curse as only a bad thing in life. We have endured far worse than this in our marriage, and we will endure this.
Thanks for listening, friends. Thanks for overlooking my lack of clarity and my failure to arrive at a great metaphor. Maybe the butterfly on Christmas Day was an omen of good and beautiful things out of the bue, maybe not. But it will probably live in my memory as an attachment to this bizarre chapter.
Order, Disorder, Reorder
~Dr. Richard Rohr
xoxo
I absolutely love this. I also believe this chapter will start a road to beautiful things out of the blue. We have been through worse many times, and face bigger challenges than this even today.
God has a plan.
God knows the tomorrow.
I look forward in living in the today with you ANF.
Your words are perfect for this time đź’•
God has you both in His loving arms 🙏🏼
I have so many thoughts running through my head after reading your post – so many that I wonder if I should just say “wonderful” and leave it at that. I know sometimes I can’t seem to get out of my own way because I really feel the need to make sense of the nonsensical. I also know that faith and hope provide opportunities previously unknown or unconsidered because I was focused on the present (or even the past). I also know that I have been blessed beyond my understanding, especially in my darkest moments. Keep your lamps trimmed and burning and a path will be opened unto you. We are here for a reason, a purpose. I have always believed mine was to serve others. I look forward to what God has in mind for that next chapter. You and Brandy positively impact the lives of people for whom you may never know the blessing you shared. You do it because it is right. It is in your heart. Because you allow for vulnerability by opening your hearts, the world is a better place and His light shines brighter.
Oh, Marie and Brandy, this gut punch feels so unfair. And we are living in some really strange times. I try to see the best on most days, to pre-condition with gratitude, but this is so hard when I see good people doing good work, targeted and removed from that role. It hurts. Unintended consequences feel intentional and of course there is anger.
Licensed childcare has just been targeted for an administration intent on inflicted harm on the most vulnerable in the name of waste and fraud. I’m personally affected as are my families and my staff. I’ve had an employee since Covid. I run a small in-home program and am able to serve subsidized families and offer the highest quality child care. But if they pull that funding, I will be forced to raise rates on working families or even let my assistant go. It is easy to be distracted by catastrophe. So I am choosing faith and hope, that god is good all the time, that all the time god is good. And this tells me to sit still and allow the butterfly to land. I choose to focus on the detail of her wings as she flies thousands of impossible miles on her journey. I choose to transform, and allow myself the grace to metamorphose into a whole new being.
I trust you and Brandy, led by love, will find even greater ways to connect and improve with good works, to transform this world with love!
In power, and peace, and love,
Deb💜🙏🏼💜
I wish I could hug you right now. Life has a way of throwing us for a loop when we least expect it. When I first met Tom he noticed that I was living with the fear of “waiting for the other shoe to fall”. In other words I couldn’t enjoy the pleasant moments out of fear that an unpleasant moment would follow. That’s how I looked at life. His advice has stayed with me throughout our marriage… bad/sad/unhappy times will happen no matter how hard I try to avoid them but don’t let them take your joy…things always get better. They will for you, & BW too! Better than before this nightmare.
Marie your words always so beautifully written even in the darkest times you still shine bright. My heart hurts for you and Brandy- you guys are good people- the best people. Understandably you are feeling so many emotions. They are all valid and deserve to be felt. Even the anger and hate- for they can only be released if they are felt. Looking for meaning, signs, metaphors and parallels will help you work through all your feelings. And love my friend remember you and Brandy are loved and love always prevails.
Hi. Just know I’m honoring any feelings you are experiencing. And that Virginia Satir’s theory of change has never failed me. My hope is that, with the forced exit of Brandy from his job, that also left a portal open for a while as he walked away…and with it, some big stuff leaked out before it closed. I’m going to sit back and watch to see if that’s true and what happens when others discover the big stuff. I love you.