I’d like to clear something up, and I will try harder than ever at brevity.
I have been writing for a few years now about choosing light, focusing on the good, and maximizing the best things, etcetera, etcetera. The idea has sometimes fluttered across my mind that this mantra gives me the appearance of being an ostrich, of burying my head in the happy sands and ignoring problems. Then I decide that really I care less and less about appearances these days. So I go about the business of choosing light, simmering in Love, and enjoying the life that has been given to me. And by the way… This life, with all its heart breaks and bloody, vicious, senseless battles, with all its difficulty and disappointment, is a wildly beautiful one for which I am deeply grateful. I know that my life is charmed beyond what I deserve, and I only wish more people I love could share in it. I wish they would choose to share in it.
Last night I was confronted with the fact that perhaps appearances do matter more than I have allowed. I have been living in a way that conceals my private struggles and pain so much that people might believe I have none. They also might believe I don’t care about their suffering, although that is a vast ocean apart from the truth.
This is not meant as a band-aid for some of my private, broken relationships. And they are so broken. But I do want to make clear with anyone who reads this blog that my ongoing efforts to choose to look on the bright side, as contrived as that sounds, started for my own survival. Focusing on Love is not an act of convenience; neither is it always an easy one. (Although once you settle your nerves into the decision, it is soothing beyond words.) Rather, it has become the way I can survive. Clinging to the force of Love is, quite literally, what has kept me from shriveling up in so many ways and just surrendering to the blackness.
But there’s more. I started seeing the effects of this way of life, and slowly everything that was black and ashy took on a new moistness, a trembling vibrancy. Everything edged toward Technicolor again, and miracles became the norm instead of the day-dream. I’m not imagining this. And now pain and blackness can only distract me for a few minutes at a time. I see into the future in ways that might make you think I am perfectly loopy. (You might be right, but not for this reason.) Love is worthy of all of my trust, all of my eyes-closed, heart-wide-open faith and confidence. The hardest questions really do have answers on their way.
So what will change? I will not ever again be a person who sits and dwells in negativity and steeps herself in anger, bitterness, and malice. There is nothing nourishing about that for me or my loved ones. But I will try to be more available to people who are hurting. I am praying for the opportunities to explain some things better. Mend these broken places. And I would appreciate your prayers so much.
Don’t give up on Love. You will suffer; we all do. And it will be overwhelming and crippling at times. But there is always, always an answer that is better than what you all by yourself can muster. Like these rose petals that folded into the shape of a heart without any guidance or suggestion from me, Love will make a way.
XOXOXOXO
Pain is real. Love is too. I have seen pain overtake our lives many times and in so many different forms, it is always there, just under the surface. The countless sleepless nights, rivers of tears, and weakened hearts are never easy. Heartache runs deep, but hope for a brighter tomorrow runs even deeper. The love we have for those around us is deeper still. We have tried to create a home of love, peace, and relaxation for all who need it. Those we love will share in it when the time is right. It is always difficult for us to fully understand each other in life, misunderstanding is a part of living. Beauty comes when we all have time to sit down together, share in reality, and live life for today and not for yesterday.
Love always has, and always will make a way, even when it does not come exactly when we want it too…..
I believe Love will have the final word. The painful misunderstandings in the mean time are the worst.
You create whatever blog world which represents your truth! Any person who thinks you have no pain or that you’re somehow a Pollyanna, is just reading your words and not truly seeing you. I had a paradigm shift recently…I haven’t written about it yet because it’s only a tiny bit ‘my story’ to tell but I promise you; I felt a grace from the universe that wiped away the past hurts for the moment when there was NO room for them in my heart. There was only room for compassion and love and empathy. I always thought that I wanted to witness an ultimate vengeance for all the wrongs done to me for so many years but the conscious choice of love was much more healing that any revenge could have been in that moment. Love ya girl and I’m always here to talk if you need an objective observer. ::hugs and kisses on the cheeks::
Thank you Rose. I identify strongly with something you said here… The choosing not to write about certain things because we only have partial ownership in the story. That is so true, and I stand by that out of love and respect for everyone else. But it leaves out possibly the biggest part of my life truth. As for Grace from the Universe, yes. yes. yes. That is all that comes sometimes, and for that I am so grateful. You might get a call from me soon for that objective listener offer! xoxo In the mean time, prayers for guidance on what to do are so appreciated. Love you too, thank you for reading.
Bless your heart. I will absolutely pray for you. I know what you mean about appearing to have no problems. I used to be like that. Now I’m more open to sharing my struggles bc if I don’t let it out, I will likely explode or go mad. I love reading your blog though bc it’s a great escape for me. Always be your lovely self and all will be right in the world. and when the time is right, He will give you the words to express whatever is in your heart. hugs to you.
Jeannie I am so touched that you join us here. I love the idea of being an escape, and thank you for the encouragement. I agree but love to be reminded that He will give me the right words at the right time. Thank you xoxo
When we hurt, those who love us also hurt. The corollary is also true; when those we love hurt, we ache deeply for them. We hurt for them. One of the things that strikes me so much about this post is that we all have baggage. Anyone who doesn’t realize that you also have baggage, that you make your life choices with your baggage firmly in your hands and in your mind, just hasn’t had their eyes opened yet. You have talked so much about the worry door, about leaving it firmly closed.
Love always wins, my friend. Sometimes it feels like it takes a maddeningly long time to us, but we are mere humans, yes? Time is nothing. Love always wins.
xoxo
You’re right… about sharing pain when we love people. Which is why I hate to display it. Why add to anyone’s burdens, especially children? I think you’re also right that love always wins, though. And lately holding this worry door shut has been only by hurculean effort. Like pushing against a tornado. Love you M, thank you for everything.
This is beautiful and so heartfelt Marie. I love your Pollyanna ways, for the record, and now knowing they come from a past of hurt, makes them all the more special to me. I applaud you for choosing light!
Katie thank you so much. The contrast between light and dark has become so much sharper through all of this. xoxo thank you for reading!
Well, my friend, you are the lightness and hope that many of us turn to for that daily breathe of freshness. Pain dwells deep within many of us, for some it’s unbearable. Its those of us that can learn to look beyond it that can truly create happiness. You are one of those who inspire us to choose love.
Heather, thank you. This amazes me because I write for myself and just enjoy so much the friendships I’ve been offered through the writing ( LIKE YOURS). As you know, I want this true happiness for my children too. So scary to say that aloud.
I wonder about this issue often, as well. There are things I don’t say because I would have to reveal too much about people who have not chosen to live their lives on a blog. Those things go into fiction. But as far as writing pain and happiness, the answer I arrive at is that writers have to write the truth. The very truth is usually not so great or so bad. Sometimes it is but usually it’s in a middle place. And I do know that writing about struggles can help other people who have been through those same issues–but of course, only if the struggles are written about honestly, and are not indulgent, which is not truthful. I’ve never managed to get it just right about certain things–not yet. Anyway, I appreciate what you do here, and I appreciate your generous spirit. You are oh so very generous.