This past week I remembered a mental trick or visualization that has always helped me in moments of crisis. I had forgotten about it for a while because, well, it’s not much needed in smooth and easy times. I hope this is useful to you, too.
Years ago, I learned to think of all my emotions as sparks of fire. I acknowledge every single one as real and valid, doing my best to feel them entirely; but then I decide whether they are emotions that should be fanned into true flames, and then into bonfires that can warm me and keep me safe, fires that can warm and feed my loved ones, or sparks that if left unchecked will grow into a dangerous, detructive wildfires.
The whole point for me is that every emotion can be fed or starved and has an end purpose, or at least potential. I get to decide, to an extent, the role they play in my life and in the world I share with my loved ones.
Okay, friends. No doubt about it, this past week has been hard. Not just in circumstances but in the emotional maelstrom that inevitably comes along for the ride. I have been fighting anger that actually qualifies as true rage. Then this rage sometimes drains out of my body and leaves a really cold, weird sadness, and I can’t stop crying. Shadowy details of our situation have twsited into very specific, painful fears that dominated my thoughts for a couple of days. I have definitely seen logical hope here and there, but I was having trouble feeling it most days. And I lost track of how to guide my emotions. I let a few sparks grow into fires when I should have consciously tamped them out.
This only happens in times like this, when our circumstances and life challenges are so bizarre that I don’t feel like myself. It’s insanely destabilizing. Emotionally, it’s a dry, windy, barren kind of environment that makes it so easy for sparks to become wildfires. High fire danger. No room for sloppiness.
A few nights ago, a new friend and one of Handsome’s colleagues texted me, just checking in. We traded updates then settled on a shared belief in this scripture:
“My grace is sufficient for thee. For my strength is made perfect in weakness.”
-II Corinthians 12:9
It was a fairly spontaneous exchange, and it set me gently on the path of renewing myself inwardly, though I had first quoted it (badly) with the intention of helping her. By the next day, I noticed that I was actually feeling better, fresher, more pliable, more alive in my thoughts and even in my body. I was no longer muscling myself into a positive attitude; the whole landscape around us seemed different. Green, hydrated, nourished. More than just hopeful, our entire world seemed to be brimming with promise.
As I write this now, I can honestly say that every single aspect of this situation feels perfect. Anointed, even. Of course there will be more hard days ahead, and there is plenty of mystery still. But that’s ok. I remember now to stay nourished and watered, so that my inner emotional landscape is never so dry and barren that sparks can fly out of control like that. And I remember to choose carefully which sparks get to be fanned into beautful, cozy, life affirming bonfires.
Thanks for reading, friends, and thanks for your messages and solid gold love this week! I hope this is helpful to you in some way.
“Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ.” ~II Corinthians 10:5
Thank you again for this beautiful reminder love.
Big fan so many bonfires that not only warm you, but those around you.
Don’t let evil rob that joy and spark.
ANF
Your words truly describe how we are in control of that fire inside us. I also see rage, anger, disappointment and sadness as stages of grief. Grief follows not just after a physical death but also a drastic change in our life/career/family/marriage that we did not initiate. I’ve been there and I do understand what you’re going through.
“anointed” — yes! This weekend I’m going to Tuttle to sit with my dad while we burn the old chicken house. I’ll think of you as I watch the sparks shoot from the fire and move upward. Love, Kelly
How beautifully written, friend, and what a great reminder for us all to decide where to focus our energy, and how we should be intentional in our decision of how we allow those sparks to affect us. So many of us are looking for strength right now, never fully understanding that when we eventually find it, it will have grown exponentially from these times of our perfect weakness. But as we lift each other up, each one of us grows stronger little by little, generating that spark collectively helps grow hope and before long, these thoughts of weakness will be long forgotten, but the people who helped us along the way will never be forgotten! 🩷
I am a little sad that chili dogs were not included in this beautiful story though…😂