Lazy W Marie

Carpeing all the diems in semi-rural Oklahoma...xoxo

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remnants, wabi sabi, fractals, & resolutions

This past weekend, everywhere I explored were fun little remnants of the holidays and of our recent winter storm. At public parks and in residential neighborhoods I saw half-toppled snowmen, dirty around the edges and facing more down and to the side than forward. (The snow around them mostly disappeared, these icy statues felt so optimistic. Very Oklahoman of them.) Brightly colored nylon cartoon inflatables, deflated for the season, hung over porch rails to dry. A few gates still boasted over sized evergreen wreaths with red velvet bows, but not many. We are well past Christmas now and facing Oklahoma’s own funny version of late winter.

After nine consecutive action-packed weeks (all wildly happy and rewarding and also exhausting in the best ways), I almost didn’t know how to approach a truly open weekend. Our work was caught up (except for a few days’ laundry, to allow the septic tank leach field to dry out a little), and we had nothing planned. Not one thing in stone.

On Saturday, I ran my miles in Choctaw then Handsome and I had lunch out together and did some exploring. We watched movies at night and slept like babies.

On Sunday we knocked out an errand to Tulsa and stopped at a few small town playgrounds on the way home. Klaus joined us for the drive and experienced his first merry-go-round, ha. He was very protective. I had to muscle myself into relaxation, though.


Three cheers for old-school public parks!

I can’t stop thinking of something.

My friend Kelley France (the Mathematician and Artist) recently recommended the book Wabi-Sabi Hospitality. I previewed it on Amazon and was immediately smitten. That sent me into a pleasant rabbit hole about wabi-sabi as a general aesthetic (not to be confused with general anesthesia ok), the Japanese acceptance of transience and imperfection. The most delicious takeaway for me so far is this:

Imperfection is a form of freedom.

This has helped me relax and breathe deeply this week. And it has braided together in fascinating ways with my morning devotions. I keep receiving these messages and scriptures about peacefulness, trust, leaning into my own shortcomings, letting God’s strength meet my weakness, keeping an open heart, finding His purposes instead of asserting my own, and more. Lots of guidance about surrendering control a little bit.

I had already chosen “cultivate” as my word of the year, and this helps. It helps me to remember that I can deepen and enrich both relationships and life experiences by accepting my limitations and imperfections, and by inviting God to meet me with His grace and power.

I will inevitably fail in the coming year, and I will get derailed by outside forces while pursuing goals and dreams. But breathing space and light and grace into every effort is a lot better than the dark, angry alternatives.

“Poppies” by Kelley. It’s a poured oil paint method, and watching it happen is entrancing.

I intend to step back and breathe, a lot. I will try to remember that a perfect plan can also be restrictive. And my freedom has already been purchased for a price. Not only can I relax; I should relax. I should be embracing my liberty and freedom, my flexibility and separateness from man-made structures and plans. And maybe this would help you too?

OSU OKC teaching garden

Fractals. Fractals are swimming in my brain again. The spiraling patterns that seem chaotic and random up close but are orchestrated into beautiful, purposeful masterpieces. Remember, from The Shack? Kelley and I touched briefly on Jackson Pollack, too. Being both an artist by vocation and a mathematician by trade, she had a lot of interest in this. I would love an entire afternoon to explore it all with her. I would trade lots of good things for that conversation.

Which reminds me to expound on another idea: JOMO. The Joy of Missing Out. This is the exact opposite of FOMO (fear of missing out) and suggests an infinite smorgasbord of pleasures. We just have to find those pleasures and values, savor them, magnify them. When I say “we” here, I am talking straight to myself. Reminding myself that life is a very long and ever-heightening Choose-Your-Own-Adventure story, and every single choice I make provides a trade off. The trick is to focus on what we gain, not on what we lose.

Imperfection. Freedom. Liberty. Focus. Patterns in the Big Picture. Choosing Joy. Gratitude.

Oh my gosh, and of course Brene Brown. The Gifts of Imperfection is still on my shelf. I love what this author and speaker as to say on vulnerability, too. Have you read either?

Sometimes in yoga with Tara Stiles, she says something along the lines of “find freedom in the form, in your movement,” and I just love that. Adrienne expresses it with her now very famous catchphrase, “Find What Feels Good.” There can be a depth of grace and freedom in all of our movement, in all of our routines and resolutions, our habits and hobbies and work and relationships.

My gosh yes, our relationships need and thrive on lots of grace.

I don’t think I want to strive for anything that hinges on perfection to be successful or satisfying. Partly because I already know I will never make it; also because I know more concretely than before that my freedom is already purchased, and I don’t want to surrender it.

This feels like great food for thought in January. This seductive month of newness and trailblazing energy.

Yes, let’s do better at lots of good stuff this year.

But let’s also hang onto the good from last year, the momentum we have already built, and the values that are ours forever. Let’s keep our priorities straight and strong. Our well being does not have a deadline. Our physical selves are only part of the story. Having room for improvement in character or goals reveals imperfection, which is a form of freedom. And regarding our true weaknesses? Let’s remember Whose strength meets those perfectly and fully.

I love structure. I thrive on systems and routines. But I can accept some wiggle room, too. It’s healthy and can also be pretty dang fun. I accept it all with an open heart and hope you can too.

Thank you, Kelley, for sharing your gorgeous mind with me.

Happy New Year!!
Happy Goal Setting!!
Happy Living (no matter what day it is)
XOXOXOXO

friday faves: snowy, easy beginning to the new year

Such a soft, gentle first few days of this new year. Here are a few of my favorite moments.

On New Year’s Day we luxuriated in having very little to do. The weather was quiet and wintry, but still dry, perfect for a little post-holiday cocooning, and we took the opportunity to relax. It was a much needed pause after so many busy, hard working, extra celebratory weeks in a row. Aside from a trip to stock up on horse and chicken feed for the month, Handsome and I thoroughly enjoyed having nothing to do and nowhere to go. I didn’t even workout on Tuesday, and it felt great.

Do you use the almanac to plan your garden?

On Tuesday and since, in stolen moments, I have been curled up with the 2019 Farmer’s Almanac. My gardening dreams are brewing again, and this year I plan to follow the moon more diligently than before.

For now, my indoor plants are growing well. The paper whites are still blooming and perfuming the living room. Potted rosemary, Christmas cactus, purple heart, and pothos are part of the fun, too. Sadly, I think mice have eaten my seeds in storage.

thank you Jess xoxoxo

Another book I’m loving this week is How to Be a Good Creature by Sy Montgomery. Jessica gifted it to me for Christmas, and it is gorgeous and wholesome. The book jacket, as you can see, is beautiful all by itself. I may end up framing it. She told us that the artwork is what first caught her eye. But the content … Oh my gosh. It’s a thick collection of casual essays about a woman’s lifelong love of and relationships with various animals. Really nice, if occasionally painful to read.

Wednesday was a wonderful mix of good things. I did some housework and fed everyone then grabbed 9-ish easy miles just to shake out my legs. It was the final day of Christmas break for my nieces, so I took them to our Oklahoma City Zoo for a few hours. We also had snacks and hot drinks at McDonald’s afterwards. We were numb from the cold but happy. My heart was so full listening to them, hearing them talk about their favorite animals and school and upcoming sports. They talked about their big brother who is at Basic Training right now. These girls show such sweet affection for each other and are both beautiful and unique. Close in age, but very different people. Though the family at large gathers frequently, I don’t spend enough time alone with the kids, so yesterday was a gift. As all children do, they are growing up quickly. It seems like the more we love them the faster they grow.

Kenzie & Chloe beneath the Asia exhibit prayer cloth walkway, OKC Zoo.

For most of Thursday, Oklahoma was cold and soaked, the front of a true winter storm pouring over us with heavy rain and sleet. But by nightfall we saw thick, clean, heavily textured snow falling in unbelievable curtains of white. Like an ocean of shredded cotton balls being showered on us, and just as quiet and comforting, too. When the sleet had begun, the farm was already saturated from recent rains, so by the time snow arrived, we were still nice and cold so all of it landed and stuck to every surface. Just unbelievably gorgeous. We took a moonlit walk (RUN) to see everything. Klaus lost his mind with happiness.

A little while later we were inside with the fireplace going, sweating every little power flicker honestly, and heard Meh making some bizarre noises. We checked everyone, they were fine. He was just not in the mood for Chanta and Dusty to share his hay that night, so we tromped around rearranging gates until the horses had their own separate, dry shelter with lots of hay to keep their bellies warm. Have you ever heard a llama scream? Ha! I was glad for the chance to see all of this in the dark.

I have also felt very thankful for good quality galoshes, jeans, and gloves to do my chores, ha. And the horses were very thankful that the core of a round bale of hay was provided. I think it must taste better? They get so excited. That unwrapping always makes me crave cinnamon rolls.

night snow, moonglow, & flashlight path

This morning Klaus and I walked around for the first time before daybreak. Then Handsome and I soaked up the first pastel moments of sunrise from the hot tub. Narnia, truly. Such a stunning way to begin a work day.

Yesterday, the pond was a high, glassy, unwelcoming winter mirror. But by this morning, the slush was frozen solid and drifted with pure white snow. After chores, I walked around for an hour holding back tears, it was so beautiful.

Throughout the ice and snowfall, our pines and red cedars have all knelt closer and closer to the ground, soaked to their bones and heavily burdened. We lost some big branches; we almost always do in winter storms. But we never lost power, and the farm smells like fresh pine form all of the torn lumber. And in the bizarre absence of wind we are enjoying, except for the gentle rainfall, everything has been so quiet. I know this word gets used a lot, but everything feels magical. Otherworldly. Those heavy-limbed trees lean forward and in on themselves, creating spacious little ice rooms, natural interior dome shaped shelters with red-orange pine needles for carpets. The warm color of the bark and pine needles on the ground contrasts against the blue-silver landscape and gives the illusion of candle-glow.

I hope your new year has begun in surprisingly beautiful ways. I hope your hard work is being tempered by pleasure. I hope you make meaningful connections on purpose and trust that Love is working on your behalf in a million unseen ways. Thank you for checking in!

“But very quickly they all became grave again:
for, as you know,
there is a kind of happiness and wonder
that makes you serious.
It is too good to waste on jokes.”
~C.S. Lewis, The Chronicles of Narnia
XOXOXO

friday 5 at the farm: busy, happy, thankful week

Last weekend was a long one for us, four days of much needed deep refreshment, and this work week that wraps up today has been solid. It was solid, happy, productive, and good in many ways. Last week’s extended recharge has been put to good use. Here are some headlines from the Lazy W!

001 Dad’s Birthday!

My Dear Ol’ Dad turned 61 this week, and last night we all gathered at home for his requested dinner of, “ribeyes and hot fudge sundaes.”  Yum! I took exactly zero photos because we were having so much fun and my hands were always full. My sister Angela and I shopped and cooked dinner, then seven of us (all adults this time, which is rare) sat around the dining room table talking about DNA testing, conspiracy theories, some wild family history, and more. Everything. We feasted on food and love and excellent conversation. Jessica drove over, too, and we all had such a great time. Laugh upon laugh upon laugh! Happiest of birthdays, Dad, we love you so much!

002 Batmobile Progress

This morning, between meetings and court and who knows what else at the Commish, Handsome stole some time at a very cool Oklahoma City business to help blow the “bubbles” that will crown the Batmobile. And he invited me last minute to watch! So I dropped everything at the farm and drove to town. I haven’t told you much about this project yet, but I will soon.

Short version: It’s a fun and labor-intensive old-car restoration that will play a big role in our community outreach hopes and dreams. And it becomes more fun and exciting every week. When I say “bubbles” and “Batmobile” in the same sentence, do you picture exactly what I’m talking about? Cool.

003 Halloween Vibes

Thanks to an attic full of Halloween decorations and some pumpkin fun with friends last Saturday night, our house is festooned with all the seasonal details. We love it. And we are living our best hide-pounce-scream-recover life, too, especially after dark. So fun. Even the gardens are in on the spooky mood, and I take every opportunity to walk around the farm in galoshes and sweaters.

004 Aprons & Organization

Domestically, I have been working steadily to empty drawers and closets, purge, reorder, clean, and hold space everywhere I can find a bit of congestion. I crave space physically and emotionally. It feels amazing, like the best precursor to nesting. It’s that deep-breathing, roll-your-shoulders kind of private survey I like to do just as the seasons really trade. It feels great, and every day I find new things to do around here.

This afternoon my plate was clear enough to sew two fun apron designs that have been swimming in my head. (This one is for a very special local podcaster!)

005 Fat, Fuzzy Horses

In keeping with the season change, our farm-ily is fattened up and beginning to retain a certain amount of fluff and fuzz. It’s definitely time. The horses are eating all the hay I offer them (so much), and the chickens are feasting on more than the usual amount of herbs, rose hips, and grass clippings, plus all the average fare. Fingers crossed that they soon decided to lay some eggs.

Okay, that’s our little sum up from the week. Approximately one million other things happened, too, because life is full and beautiful. If our internet cooperates, I’ll have a post up sometime Saturday about what I’ve been reading, watching, and listening to. Good stuff.

Happy weekend!

Redeem the Time
Even the Weird Days & Moments
XOXOXOXO

 

 

 

 

motivation monday: 26 things we can endure

Happy Monday! Here’s a quick bit of motivation for your fresh new week.

As I was wrapping up my run this morning I was tired and hungry and honestly amazed by how drenched in sweat I was despite the cool temps. (Hashtag humidity)

I could easily have stopped right there at 7 miles to eat and rest but wanted very much to start the week with a good, solid ten miles, hungry or not. It just sets the tone for all kinds of productivity and high energy work at home. So I distracted myself thinking of how many things we can endure if we choose to.

Human beings can really endure some stuff!

Just for fun, here is a list of endurance trophies we can earn for ourselves. Most of them are running related, but not all. And as always the running lessons translate beautifully into the rest of life.

In celebration of Boston Marathon registration opening this week, I made the list exactly 26 items long:

  1. Hunger or thirst (just imagine that first drink or first bite, it will be so delicious!)
  2. Boredom (cultivate a strong, flexible, inventive mind. Put your imagination to good use!)
  3. Copious amounts of sweat
  4. Wet feet & slippery socks
  5. Chafing
  6. Sore muscles
  7. Sheer exhaustion
  8. Anger
  9. Sadness
  10. Stress
  11. Distractions (Practice new ways to slow down & focus.)
  12. Hot hot hot sun like it will kill you
  13. Rain like it might flood and also drown you
  14. Loneliness
  15. Self Doubt (long runs are excellent opportunities to prove yourself wrong about some insecurities.)
  16. Disappointments (“Sweet isn’t sweet without the sour.”)
  17. Shock
  18. Grief (Have you read the Buddhist Mustard Seed parable yet?)
  19. Tight finances & limited resources (Some of our happiest memories have been made when we were flat broke.)
  20. Awkward social situations
  21. Mondays. (Make ’em count!)
  22. Long drives through Kansas or the Oklahoma Panhandle (I mean probably)
  23. That awful pleasure-pain of a deep tissue massage
  24. Waiting for a prayer to be answered (Trust Him, it is worth it.)
  25. Listening to an ok writer try to tell a story verbally. (See #20.)
  26. Winter

Speaking of human endurance, when the time is perfect for her I will be so excited for you to read what my sister Angela has to share. She has endured far more than some hard miles in fancy shoes by choice. She is the real deal, and her life proves that endurance is vital and life-giving. We can absolutely survive more than we think we can, and it makes the other side of things so much more beautiful when we make it.

Hang in there, friends, endure it!!

“Endurance is not just the ability to bear a hard thing
but to turn it into glory.”
~William Barclay
XOXOXOXO

 

since yesterday

Hello friends and thank you so much for the love and encouragement you guys showed after yesterday’s post. Your comments here and on Facebook and in email all helped me feel very normal and not alone in the brackish water of life. We do all swim in a wonderful mix of good and bad. And you helped me want to write again, but more deeply, with more purpose. Thank you. 

You may have seen on Instagram later in the day that after that blog post, life served up another curveball. Sort of.

On one hand, it’s another emotional shock. On the other, it’s exactly the kind of thing that tends to happen just before a breakthrough, which I have been feeling was on its way. So, I actively choose to trust God. (What good is it for me only trust Him in easy, happy times? He’s got this, and so do we. We can do more than we think, and we can pray our way through any unknown, believing that His strength is made perfect in our weakness.)

Jocelyn has apparently moved back to Estes Park, or at least is traveling there now, we don’t know. As I told my husband, it hurts because I have already been missing her so much, even as nearby as she had been while living with her paternal grandparents in Oklahoma City. The physical proximity was slightly comforting, but our contact was limited and strained. So I just miss her so much, despite trusting God with her well being. 

By contrast, I remember feeling so close to her last September and all those three years leading up to that time. Just beautifully, intimately acquainted and well bonded. As I type this we are just past the three year anniversary of Joc moving to Estes Park for what was supposed to be a six-month YMCA experience. She stayed, obviously, and followed her heart in unpredictable ways. She grew and deepened and found herself, which I celebrated and shared sparingly here and there. We all just felt our way through every curveball, relinquishing control (which is an illusion) and grasping to our relationship instead. I visited her as often as possible and during those weeks we made thousands, millions, of beautiful memories. 

In September of last year, Joc was still living in EP, in a new apartment with her two pups and her boyfriend at the time and sometimes another friend. She was working two jobs and loving life, beginning to consider some college classes. She had just celebrated her twenty-second birthday, and  I sent her a gift package including homemade granola. Pumpkin-spice with pecans and coconut. She said opening it smelled like home. I felt her love and believed she felt mine. We talked on the phone several times per week and traded notes daily. Whatever was going on behind the scenes, my husband and I were in that blissful ignorance of how everything was about to implode.

Back to yesterday. I cried for a while after hearing the news that she was gone again, but I was not terror-stricken like before.  Nor was I, really, all that surprised. Just very sad. She is and will always be my baby, as trite as that sounds. I love her name, her face, her skin, her voice. I love her taste in music, her passions, her athleticism, her sense of humor and her unmatched artistic talent. I love her dogs. (I miss Bridget and Bubbins so much I sobbed through yoga three days ago. Will they remember us?)

And yet, yesterday as we absorbed the news, God was physically in the living room with us. I felt that familiar glowing, insulating sensation He brings every time we grieve hard and deep. I knew He was aware of every detail, including the things we didn’t and might never know. This assurance slowed my breath and just kind of stilled everything.

He loves her even more than I do, and His power and protection reach all the way along the interstate through Kansas, all the way up that mountain, and into every cabin and restaurant, into every complex human condition which might affect her. He has always been with her when I wasn’t, and He always will be.

Life goes on, all around us.

Before hearing that news, Monday was fairly productive. Early in the morning, I did some sewing and ironing of BW’s work shirts. Then I wrote that blog post and did morning chores around the farm, indoors and out. The gardens were happily unharmed by the overnight frost, and I silently congratulated us for having brought the potted plants indoors and for making sure the flower and veggie beds had all been deeply watered and mulched ahead of the cold snap.

I drove to one of my nearby running spots and luxuriated in 8 easy miles on dirt trails, listening to a mix of Oprah’s podcats and Skrillex, then grabbed the few household supplies we needed from Walmart. You know, like clearance Easter chocolate.

And extra white thread!

The sewing projects I mentioned include curtains, aprons, and other kitchen treats for Jessica, now 20 and chipping away at some thrilling goals she has set for herself. She found her first (very tiny and extremely adorable) place and is moving in this week! We are so happy for her, so excited! This chapter of anyone’s life can be one of the most fun and most memorable, and she is on the right track to make it so. I’ll share photos only if and when she grooves it. Just know that she is as bright and beautiful and you can imagine.

This cheerful citrusy fabric is one of four or five she selected for her new home. I love it and cannot wait to see this apron on her! She is really excited to cook for herself.

Parenting note: I have had to make a conscious effort to limit how often I mention Jocelyn’s first apartment, which you might recall was that perfect, tiny cabin she renovated. Remember the blue kitchen and pegboard storage wall we installed? I understand now how well-meaning parents of adult children might accidentally frame little stories as competition or comparisons. That is never my intention. It’s all just part of my life. Has this happened to anyone else? 

Also on Monday, I received the most wonderful surprise in our mailbox. Rachel Forest is a mother, writer, and public speaker who also handcrafts gorgeous leather and beaded jewelry. Exactly my style. She and I met when we were on the same cast for LTYM, and for that, I am so grateful. Her story about redeeming motherhood was powerful. She sent me this gorgeous pair of turquoise earrings, very unexpectedly! And the handwritten note is so beautiful. The timing of her gift was perfect. To hear from a friend I made while sharing my motherhood story, on a difficult day in our ongoing parenting saga, had God written all over it. Thank you, Rachel. xoxoxo I can’t wait to wear these and will pay your kindness forward.

Tuesday should be full. I am headed out now to tackle The Big List, run slightly more miles than yesterday (plus hip strengtheners because it’s helping my feet of all things), and hopefully not get blown away by the wind gusts here. What does your day look like?

Thank you again for your loving words. I hope if we cross your mind for any reason you will consider praying for Joceyn’s safety and happiness, for her to hear God’s voice for everything she craves and needs. And for Jessica, that she continues to find her own footing and know how loved and supported she is at this exciting time.

You have our prayers too, any time you need them.

“A single act of kindness throws out roots in all directions,
and the roots spring up and make new trees.”
~Amelia Earhart
XOXOXOXO